What are definite things to have before trying?

[Kiki1993]

Everyone seems to have different ideas of what is needed before trying. What are your guys must haves for having a baby and what are the things you don't see as important?

 

[Pearls18]

For me personally the only paramount thing more important than anything (including finances as I think finances work out in the end) is a stable and strong relationship. I know some people don't think you need two people to raise a child, which is their opinion. But when choosing to have a baby with someone I think it's paramount you've spent the time getting to know each other, had plenty of fun together, not using it as a band aid baby, not rushing. A strong relationship means a strong family unit, so many couples I know get to breaking point due to a child which I can only imagine how miserable that can make life and difficult, my DH is my ally, I couldn't have gotten through this journey without him, not happily. We struggled with money to start, but we worked ourselves out of that situation, I've had to retrospectively sort my career but I've done it, we'll own a house one day soon, but the one thing you can't earn or change is your relationship or parent to your child, it's important to choose the right person lol, the continuous stable has been us, and that has what got us to achieve everything else for our sons. Sorry if that's cheesy!!

 

[newmommy21]

Definitely finances. Not that we aren't stable, we are, it's just that we can not afford to have 2 kids in daycare at one time. So we have to wait until my DD is 2 until we try, which is next September

 

[Earthylove]

Good question! For me personally it has been important to 1. Be in a stable, committed relationship/be married to someone with whom I could see myself starting a family. 2. Have someplace to live that I feel comfortable and safe in. We live in an apartment in a big city right now and while I would like to own a house in the country, it's not a requirement for me to have a baby. Our apartment is good for now. 3. Be able to make enough money to comfortably afford rent and other necessities. Honestly, as long as we have a nice homey place to live, means to get around town, and plenty to eat, I'm good lol. 4. This might be a strange one, but another thing that is important to me is the desire to welcome a baby into our lives. I wouldn't want it to be something that throws off our plans or causes panic. I really want pregnancy/starting a family to be something that is purposeful, welcomed and celebrated. I've definitely moved from worrying about an accidental pregnancy to actually desiring and planning for one. I'm pleased with that.

 

[sherwood]

...

 

[apreslaube]

For me personally, I would say a strong marriage focused on God. We wouldn't try without being financially stable, but I do think that things like that aren't absolute. I think a stable and safe place to live is vital. Hmm. ... I think a desire to have a baby for the right reasons (not to fix a relationship or meet some time frame from other people, etc). Health needs to be stable - there can always be issues but do my best to have a body that is healthy and strong to raise a baby in. Those are big ones I guess.

 

[kksy9b]

For me personally the only paramount thing more important than anything (including finances as I think finances work out in the end) is a stable and strong relationship. I know some people don't think you need two people to raise a child, which is their opinion. But when choosing to have a baby with someone I think it's paramount you've spent the time getting to know each other, had plenty of fun together, not using it as a band aid baby, not rushing. A strong relationship means a strong family unit, so many couples I know get to breaking point due to a child which I can only imagine how miserable that can make life and difficult, my DH is my ally, I couldn't have gotten through this journey without him, not happily. We struggled with money to start, but we worked ourselves out of that situation, I've had to retrospectively sort my career but I've done it, we'll own a house one day soon, but the one thing you can't earn or change is your relationship or parent to your child, it's important to choose the right person lol, the continuous stable has been us, and that has what got us to achieve everything else for our sons. Sorry if that's cheesy!!

Perfectly said!!

My husband and I have always said that the core of our family unit is our relationship. As such, we put everything we have into making sure we nurture and care for it. Every other thing can, and does, work itself out. But if we are not firm and stable then the rest will fall apart. I have SO much respect for moms and dads who are single parents because I have no idea how I could raise my son by myself. My husband is my rock and greatest support. I know I would figure it out on my own but I would never want to. We are in it together and I don't want to be on this journey without him

 

[Kiki1993]

I agree with everyone really, thanks for the replies! I'm in that place where I have finally chosen the degree I like, it can be done working over 4 years or i could jump into the 3rd year. But mean I will be a student for the next four years (hnd then degree) and I will be 25-26 when I finish, add a year for getting work, and we want a mortgage (probably wont happen until our youngest is 5 as that is when i would return to work), we want to be married we want all these things but don't know what can and can't happen. Like we will be 35 by the time my ideal is prepared and I refuse to start trying that late on, me and OH will have been together 20 years by then and I'm desperate for a baby
Not really sure what is for best so trying to see others insights to see if it helps make up my mind!

 

[Eleanor ace]

1- A supportive partner
2- A safe place to live
3- A good degree of financial security (noting is guaranteed- people lose their jobs, massive house repairs come up etc. But I'd at least like to know that DH and I have jobs and that as things stand we can afford a child)

There are other things which would make it onto my "really should have but aren't absolutely essential" list but the above are the minimum.

 

[Kiki1993]

My want list is ridiculously long and would take us in the situation we are in until we are 30, maybe even 40 to completely finish.
Before a few days ago a degree wasn't essential to me but found a degree that is perfect for me, the rest were just degrees to get a degree that I had contemplated but started reading about this one and it is perfect, will take 4 years all together (hope I get funding) and will need to keep juggling work and college, and OH will need to stay in his job. I would LOVE OH to have a degree but he has no qualifications except maybe 5 standard grades at general level, he never tried at school and a lot due to his dyslexia but we can only afford one of us to be in education at one time (and building up student loan debt with me alone taking the maximum to cover bills and live comfortable) .. he would need to do a highers programme that could take 2-4 years, then he could consider university but he just is totally put off with education. It worries me because we want me to be a SAHM but if i'm the bread winner how can we do that? I'll be 25 when i finish my degree, need to start savings again, if we do decide o buy then at least a year of us both working to save for the house, 26/27, wait until i build my career a bit, so wont be pregnant until im like 28 and im kinda worried, by then i will have been on the pill for 13 years and it is kinda worrying me but I don't trust any other contraception!
I wish i could have known the degree i wanted to do at 18 like everyone else.

 

[tverb84]

Go on a vacation to New York City is my #1 to do before having children.

 

[loeylo]

For us, it was finishing my degree and starting work. I graduated in June 2013, and then had a years guaranteed salary which ended this August. I then have been in a long term sick cover contract, but it looks like I am getting something much more permanent as of next month. It was purely a financial decision as I have a higher earning potential than my partner, so he is likely to drop his hours rather than me.

Also, owning our own home was a big one as it would have been much harder for us to save for a deposit whilst having to pay rent in a bigger property, plus our mortgage calculation would be based on two full-time wages, and our outgoings would be lower.

Finally, making sure our relationship was solid was a biggie. We both come from really close-knit families (parents still married, no divorces in our immediate family) and we value how lucky we were to grow up in uncomplicated families where we lived with both parents. As a kid, my parents splitting up was literally my biggest fear, I used to worry about it because a lot of my friends parents had split and I saw how upset this made them. If my parents ever rowed, I would get upset and think they were splitting up, but they were able to confidently tell me that they wouldn't split up, they were just disagreeing over x,y and z. I want to be able to reassure my kids in the same way!

 

[sprite30]

I got pretty lucky in that dh is 6.5 year older then me so by the time we met he already owned his own home outright, was established in business and was mentally ready to settle down. I just needed to get my stuff together. Our number one priority going into marriage was that I was debt free. I had raked up student loans, car loan, credit cards and he just didn't live that way. Took me over 4 years but eventually we got there. Ironically we intended to ttc right away after marriage however we had issues getting pregnant and had I still had all that debt we wouldn't have been able to seek the fertility treatments we needed.

So # 1 great relationship with the same expectations
#2 financial stability, secure employment and debt free
#3 the same common goals.

I know so many people who decide later they that want to be a SAHM, yet they waste all they're time going to school, racking up debt, securing a job just to tell there dh that they want to be a mommy after all.

I decided early on in my eduction (way before I met my dh ) that My education wasn't important to me and I'd eventually want to be a sahm so it made more sense for me to get full time work not add anymore to the debt I had already started. Luckily overtime I worked my way up within the company got a nice promotion and they offered me a position working from home. So I've got the best of both worlds at the moment. And if at any time my job situation changes, well I'm debt free so I'm not stuck in a bad situation and just be the sahm mom I had always intended to be. And dh won't question it because that was the plan all along.

 

[skycastles]

"My children are the best thing that ever happened to me." A friend posted this on a social website and I told my OH that I don't ever want to feel that way. No offence to anyone because I do respect my friend's stance, but for me personally, as much as I would enjoy motherhood, I want to have also achieved some meaningful goal I deeply valued.
That was a few years back, and I am no closer to figuring out what that goal is exactly, though now I'm convincing myself I could have a baby first, and figure that out later lol.
More practically speaking, definite things are
- Substantial savings
- Time, cos we can end up working 14-hr days more often than not

It would be nice have a few more holidays, and I do prefer a Monkey baby to a Sheep one astrologically!

 

[sherwood]

...

 

[ariela]

"My children are the best thing that ever happened to me." A friend posted this on a social website and I told my OH that I don't ever want to feel that way. No offence to anyone because I do respect my friend's stance, but for me personally, as much as I would enjoy motherhood, I want to have also achieved some meaningful goal I deeply valued.

I'd love to be able to say that some day! I'm so boring I think that motherhood somehow reflects my meaning in life as well.
But I would never give up my role as woman, co-worker etc. just to be a mother. Children need a positive role model, and that's why it's important to continue to develop yourself in other life areas too! Compromising is always an option, but I've found such a big meaning in my life through my work, I wouldn't sacrifice it. I want my children to learn to be responsible, confident and that you should always live your life respecting your self-worth.

But to the question, I agree with most of you - you need to have a stable relationship and stable financial situation. Safe place to live is important, as you don't want to worry if your child is going back home in one piece or not, when playing out with friends. It's all related to your life situation however. Some would say you have to have your own house, some are happy with rentals. Some say you must have remarkable savings, some will manage with less. Obviously if you have to pay for doctor or schools, you'll have to have saved more.
And if there's anything to do to improve health, wtt-time is the perfect time to do it.

 

[loeylo]

See, I disagree! I think that children will be the best thing to happen to me. Sure, they are not the only good thing to happen to me - I have an honours degree, a "professional" level job which I love (which I had to work hard for) and I have had my fair share of nights out and carefree holidays, but I would always put children before any of this. I won't be givin any of it up to have kids, either. A agree with the pp who said that children need a positive role model. My purpose in doing all the oter things is to be a good role model for my future kids, so I can bring them up to appreciate what we have worked hard for, and teach them that they can achieve whatever they put their mind to.

 

[ottergirl]

For me personally the only paramount thing more important than anything (including finances as I think finances work out in the end) is a stable and strong relationship. I know some people don't think you need two people to raise a child, which is their opinion. But when choosing to have a baby with someone I think it's paramount you've spent the time getting to know each other, had plenty of fun together, not using it as a band aid baby, not rushing. A strong relationship means a strong family unit, so many couples I know get to breaking point due to a child which I can only imagine how miserable that can make life and difficult, my DH is my ally, I couldn't have gotten through this journey without him, not happily. We struggled with money to start, but we worked ourselves out of that situation, I've had to retrospectively sort my career but I've done it, we'll own a house one day soon, but the one thing you can't earn or change is your relationship or parent to your child, it's important to choose the right person lol, the continuous stable has been us, and that has what got us to achieve everything else for our sons. Sorry if that's cheesy!!

I 100% agree with this.

We've had all 3 of our kids in all kinds of financial situations, but that always works itself out. You have kids when you are in a stable relationship (religiously I believe marriage), and you are both emotionally and mentally ready and together on starting your family.

 

[sprite30]

See, I disagree! I think that children will be the best thing to happen to me. Sure, they are not the only good thing to happen to me - I have an honours degree, a "professional" level job which I love (which I had to work hard for) and I have had my fair share of nights out and carefree holidays, but I would always put children before any of this. I won't be givin any of it up to have kids, either. A agree with the pp who said that children need a positive role model. My purpose in doing all the oter things is to be a good role model for my future kids, so I can bring them up to appreciate what we have worked hard for, and teach them that they can achieve whatever they put their mind to.

I'm with you on this one Loeylo. A child will always be the best thing to ever happen to me because I know what it feels like to have fertility dangling just beyond your reach and see every single family or friends you have ever known to just be incredibly happy with their children.

A child doesn't define you, you can still have a very successful fulfilling life and raise babies and be incredibly grateful that you are able too. My husband is also the best thing to ever happen to me as well.

 

[loeylo]

Apologies for the dodgy typing, I didn't proof read!