What are you telling them?

[brownhairedmom]

Okay here's my story since I haven't updated on it in a while. My jerk of an ex boyfriend wants nothing to do with the baby. He didn't acknowledge she was born. I called him, left voicemails, left emails, everything. He didn't even have the decency to say "fuck off" or anything. Just absolutely zero response, like I didn't even try to get in contact with him. Same thing with his mother.

ANYWAY...for those of you in a similar situation, what are you going to tell your kids when they're growing up? Are you going to let them know they have a father and why he isn't part of their lives? If you get in a new relationship, are you going to tell them that your new person is their dad, or let them know that this isn't their biological dad, that they have a seperate father? Or like...I'm so confused. I know she's young but eventually she's going to realize that other people have daddy's and she doesn't I mean, do I show her a picture of him and let her grow up know that the person in the picture is her dad? etc...

 

[xXDonnaXx]

I've thought of this too. Same as you, My prat of an ex hasn't even text, phoned, or even come to my house to see his daughter. His mother is exactly the same. No contact, nothing. He hasn't even offered us a penny so I don't think anything of him anymore. I am going to tell her that me and her dad split up when I was pregnant. And I will tell her he never made an effort to see her/ask about her. I am going to show her 1 picture I have kept (for that reason ONLY....) And when I do get with somebody, I will explain that he is not her biological father. But is still her 'dad'. Anybody can be a 'dad' but it takes alot to be a 'father' I do feel sorry for my daughter having no dad. It is upsetting, cause I've grown up with my mum and dad. Who have been together for 23 years! So it will be hard seeing her grow up without a father like I did. But I will make her life the best I can make it, and hopefully she will respect me for doing such a hard job ha ha. Her dad is a childish little boy, and she doesn't need him afterall. I am quite glad he isn't in our lives. My daughter deserves better.

 

[Mummy&bump]

iv been thinkin about this since god knos wen n my baby aint even here yet! but i have kept a handfull of pics that i have of my ex even 1s that have both of us in it lookin happy coz i want him 2 kno tht we did love eachother at 1 point (or so i think on his behalf) and that he was never a misstake 2 me! i cud tell him all the horrible things he has said and done 2 me even all the nasty things he has said about his unborn baby but iv decided i wont unless he asks as its not goin 2 hurt him or me it will b my baby it hurts thinkin his own biological fater said those things about him b4 he was even here.
but i guess about caling another man dad it wud really depend on when i met sum1 else! but as donna has said any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy so il prob leave tht decision up 2 him but i wil tell him who his biological father is even if he is a prick lol

xxxx

 

[xarlenex]

I'm not in this situation, but if I were I think i'd always be honest and wait and tell my child that his father was better out of his life anyway. Only because you dont know when years down the line, guilt could catch hold and he could show up unexpectedly and you dont want your child to know you've lied about such an important part of their lives.

 

[LucyS]

echo Donna!

 

[Novbaby08]

Well I'm actually getting married next March to my high school sweetheart,
and he's planning to adopt Harley.
But I know someday she will find out he isn't her real dad, and i'm going to tell her the truth.
He left when I was 5 weeks pregnant with her, didn't talk to me the entire time, and when she was born saw her a couple times at the hospital, then I didn't hear or see him till she was a month old saw her a couple more times then stopped talking to me again, so I cut him out. But that I tried to get things to work out. I plan to tell her of all the time I spent trying to get ahold of him, all the times I called him, emailed him, trying to get him to come over and see her.
And I have pictures of him with her, so when I show them to her, I want her to know that I tried, that he never grew up. But to remind her, that she has a daddy, he may not be related to her by blood, but he's been her daddy from the beginning. And that she still has me, and my parents, and her Aunt, and that she hasn't needed him so far, and is doing fine without him.
I'm not sure how things will work out, but I'm hoping that when the time comes she'll understand.

 

[brownhairedmom]

See, I was talking to my mother and aunt about this. They seem to think that I should bring her up telling her good things about her dad

Their reasoning is that I should say good things or just like "he wasn't ready to be a dad" because then she won't think I tried to turn her against her father if he decides to swoop back in and be a prince charming father to her.

I think she should know that I tried and tried and wanted her to have a dad so badly, even though we weren't together. On the other hand, if I meet someone else I don't want to have the "you're not my father" issue either.

I just don't want her to blame me for him not wanting her

 

[nikky0907]

See, I was talking to my mother and aunt about this. They seem to think that I should bring her up telling her good things about her dad

Their reasoning is that I should say good things or just like "he wasn't ready to be a dad" because then she won't think I tried to turn her against her father if he decides to swoop back in and be a prince charming father to her.

I think she should know that I tried and tried and wanted her to have a dad so badly, even though we weren't together. On the other hand, if I meet someone else I don't want to have the "you're not my father" issue either.

I just don't want her to blame me for him not wanting her

I absolutely agree with you.

In my opinion, truth is the key. You don't have to share all the gory details but be honest.
Maybe when she's little you could give her the embelished version (depends on how old she will be the first time she asks) but as she grows older you can tell her the whole story... about how you tried to get in contact with him, how you let him know several times that she was born and he didn't return the calls.

You can show her the picture and tell her things about him.
It doesn't have to be all bad, you can share good things with her and how she was created while you two were happy and in love but he handled your pregnancy badly.

If he ever swoops back into her life , he'll have to explain to her and deal with the fact that he left her as a baby.
As long as you're honest with her nothing bad can come of it.

 

[Ju_bubbs]

I ran those questions through my head for a few years! I have a 5 year old, who'd dad hasn't wanted to know since we split up when he was 4 months old. The father of my 2 older children however is a very decent man, and altho we weren't together anymore offered to take my youngest on as his own, and treat him as he does his own 2... the offer was greatfully accepted! However that still left me with the question of when/if/how to tell him about his real dad! It turns out I didn't have to as my eldest son thought it would be clever to tell his little brother that his dad wasn't his real dad, which led to nathan (my youngest) asking questions! So I explained as best I could that his 'dad' wasn't his real daddy, but likes being his pretend daddy, which he said he liked too! He asked why his other daddy (real dad) doesn't come to see him, so I told him that he lived a long way away, to which my son replied, oh ok... can we go to the park now!
He's not really mentioned it since, every now and again he'll reffer to his real dad as daddy James, when he's bragging to his mates that he has 2 dads but tahts it!

I expect there will be more questions when he's older, but when the time comes I'll probably just give him his dads email adress and let his dad try and come up with some excuse!

 

[Novbaby08]

See, I was talking to my mother and aunt about this. They seem to think that I should bring her up telling her good things about her dad

Their reasoning is that I should say good things or just like "he wasn't ready to be a dad" because then she won't think I tried to turn her against her father if he decides to swoop back in and be a prince charming father to her.

I think she should know that I tried and tried and wanted her to have a dad so badly, even though we weren't together. On the other hand, if I meet someone else I don't want to have the "you're not my father" issue either.

I just don't want her to blame me for him not wanting her

Same here, but despite everything I'm tempted, to just tell her the truth when she gets older. How her dad wanted me to get an abortion, how he abandoned me and denied her and trashed me behind my back. Putting his family against me, how they investigated me! They treated me like shit, and I was still kind enough to allow his unworthy ass into see her after she was born, twice!!! how stupid I feel for doing so! How I even allowed him over to my house a couple times, how he ridiculed me on my weight, and how useless he was and how he lied constantly to me, and tried to get out of seeing her, how I finally gave up and cut him off! I want to tell her, but at the same time I don't want to be bitter. But DAMNIT I WANT TO! That shithead complicated my life. But then I look at it, and despite everything he put me through. I won. I'm the one who has the gorgeous, wonderful little girl. He's the one missing out. Not me.

 

[Monkeh]

I think she should know that I tried and tried and wanted her to have a dad so badly

I completely agree. I'll be telling my daughter how much I tried (when she's old enough to understand). I don't want her thinking I kept her dad away from her. She deserves to know the truth and then she can make up her own mind about him.

As for meeting someone else, I don't know what sort of relationship a new man would have with my daughter. He'd have to stick around for a long long time before I could accept her calling him 'dad'.

I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...

 

[captain-ally]

When my baby's old enough to know what a mentally unsound alcoholic is and what cheating is, I'll explain it to her in full detail. I'm not going to sugar coat it for her or anyone. I think if you do that, there's more chance that they'll go looking for their wayward father. I don't want him to hurt her now or later, anymore than he's already going to hurt her for not being there. It'll be her decision, but she'll go knowing the truth.

Until then, I'm just going to tell her that he left before she was born and I'll have to explain it when she's a little older.

 

[wantababybump]

Sorry hun just seeing this now. Havent been on much lately. Honestly coming from someone who has been in the situation (my bio father never raised me) I think you should tell her the truth about her dad. My mom NEVER kept the fact my bio father was exactly that from me and I am honestly glad she never did. I would have been so mad at her if she had of kept that from me.

My dad (step dad also my real fathers brother) raised me and I always knew him as dad but as soon as I could understand I always knew I had 2 fathers even if I always called my real father Douglas. The difference with my situation was that I was still raised around my real father because he was my step dads brother and he lived with my grandfather but we didnt have that father-daughter relationship, he was more like and uncle figure to me growing up until I was about 9 and wanting to have an actual relationship with him and then he passed away just after my 10th birthday. Haha sorry for the sappy story I guess the whole point of my story is that "he" is still her father and she will be quite upset if you didnt tell her growing up who he was. If she eventually wants to find him than that will be her choice and his choice whether or not he wants anything to do with her (I actually had a friend this happened to and he slammed the door in her face) but then at least she will know and wont be upset with you about it because it will be his fault. Sorry if this doesnt make sense my head is a bit foggy with this stupid cold. xx

 

[joeyjo]

I ran those questions through my head for a few years! I have a 5 year old, who'd dad hasn't wanted to know since we split up when he was 4 months old. The father of my 2 older children however is a very decent man, and altho we weren't together anymore offered to take my youngest on as his own, and treat him as he does his own 2... the offer was greatfully accepted! However that still left me with the question of when/if/how to tell him about his real dad! It turns out I didn't have to as my eldest son thought it would be clever to tell his little brother that his dad wasn't his real dad, which led to nathan (my youngest) asking questions! So I explained as best I could that his 'dad' wasn't his real daddy, but likes being his pretend daddy, which he said he liked too! He asked why his other daddy (real dad) doesn't come to see him, so I told him that he lived a long way away, to which my son replied, oh ok... can we go to the park now!
He's not really mentioned it since, every now and again he'll reffer to his real dad as daddy James, when he's bragging to his mates that he has 2 dads but tahts it!

I expect there will be more questions when he's older, but when the time comes I'll probably just give him his dads email adress and let his dad try and come up with some excuse!

Just browsing and I don't really belong in this part of the forum but I just wanted to say that your older ex (the one who is "dad" to them all now) sounds like a really nice guy and it must really help your youngest to be treated like the others.