What do i do?

[raychmumtobe]

So I have a freind that comes over almost every week.
Its the same thing everytime.
She'll come over and then spend the whole time here moaning about her mum and dad, about how she doesnt want to live with them anymore and dropping hints about how we have a spare bed.

Shes ended up staying over a few times, just through staying so late that she misses her bus home, despite me asking her over and over to leave as i want to go to bed.

Shes blatantly asked me multiple times if she can move in with me, and ive told her in the politest possible way that we simply do not have the room, that were getting married and have a baby, were a family.

I dont really know what else i can do to make her see that we simply dont have the room, and to be honest, dont really want her to move in anyway.
Its just getting too much! Shes been here since 3pm and only just left, after hours of asking why she cant move in with me and telling me how she has no freinds who let her stay over anymore, asking if she can stay over tonight, even after i said no like 6 times.

What do i do without being mean? I dont want to hurt her feelings, but she just cant seem to understand that i have a family and responsibilities now, im not a teenager anymore.

Any advice?

 

[meglet_nz]

Does she ring before she comes over? Could you say that you are out and have appointments so won't be home and then possibly arrange to meet her somewhere out so that she's not at your place? It's really hard and I feel for you. It was rather enlightening to realise that my childless friends have no idea the changes in your priorities and general day to day life! xx

 

[raychmumtobe]

Does she ring before she comes over? Could you say that you are out and have appointments so won't be home and then possibly arrange to meet her somewhere out so that she's not at your place? It's really hard and I feel for you. It was rather enlightening to realise that my childless friends have no idea the changes in your priorities and general day to day life! xx

She does ring, and ive tried making excuses and saying im busy etc, but she pushes and pushes, "what time will you be back in?" "Catey goes to bed at 7 so you'll be home then, ill come over then" and if i arrange to meet her somewhere else so were not at my house, she'll offer to escort us home, and then wont leave! No matter how much i protest that we dont need escorting home etc,she wont have any of it!

 

[tina_h75]

she is obviously very unhappy at home and sees your place as somewhere more comfortable. If she is so desperate to move out, why don't you offer to help her find somewhere ? If she could not afford a flat on her own, there are always rooms available for house share. Even though it may be a little annoying for you, take it as a compliment as she obviously thinks a lot of you for wanting to be there so much.

 

[raychmumtobe]

she is obviously very unhappy at home and sees your place as somewhere more comfortable. If she is so desperate to move out, why don't you offer to help her find somewhere ? If she could not afford a flat on her own, there are always rooms available for house share. Even though it may be a little annoying for you, take it as a compliment as she obviously thinks a lot of you for wanting to be there so much.

Ive helped her look for a place, arranged veiwings for her that she then didnt go to, even though i offered to go with her. She can easily afford to move out. She earns the same wage my OH earns and we manage for 3 of us.

Its not just the fact shes always asking to move in and stay over, she also uses my house as a meeting point when she goes out with guys, has them come here to pick her up, most of the time without even asking me if this is ok first.

She wont move out of her parents, simply because she doesnt have any bills to pay, they treat her like a princess, drive her everywhere, pay for her driving lessons, phone bill, food etc. The only problem she has with them is that they give her a curfew to be home by as they work early in the mornings.

Its just so frustrating that she wont listen to me when i say no!

A few days ago she missed her bus home so had to stay over, OH was working a nightshift, so i was going to be sleeping in my bed alone and she was going to sleep on the couch like she normally does, as the spare bed is in my daughters room and i dont allow anyone to sleep in her room.
She then told me that she was going to sleep in mine and OH's bed and that i should sleep in LO's room. She didnt ask me, she told me. Then wandered upstairs and got into mine and OH's bed! I honestly didnt know what to say so just got into the spare bed in LO's room and by the time i got up in the morning she'd left for work already so i couldnt talk to her about it.
Shes just really cheeky in my opinion, and i dont know how to get through to her.

 

[Raven24]

How about having your other half having a word with her so he looks like the bad guy

 

[kitkatwidget1]

id be asking myself how important the friendship is to you; i think you need to have a very upfront chat about how this affecting you and its possible that it may not be taken well. telling you where to sleep is her in charge and its YOUR home. sounds like your friend is jepordizing your friendship(whether she realises it or not) and the reality is that you have responsibilties to your family and if she stays over it should be because you invite her not because she is assuming she can.

its an awkward situation to be in and i understand shes not happy where she is but from what youve said you have been more than suppotive and with a young child and a family of your own its not unreasonable to want your home to yourself!

 

[DinkyDolly]

Sorry but im new! Can someone please tell me how to start a new tread?

 

[tina_h75]

Sorry but im new! Can someone please tell me how to start a new tread?

click in the rectangle box above the section heading (ie General Chatter) that says 'new thread'

 

[lovehearts]

I think I'd just have to be very blunt and to the point. I know you don't want to hurt her feelings but I think the only way your going to get through to her is by upsetting her a little. If she is a proper friend she will understand that your a family and you need your space. It sounds like she is very used to getting what she wants

Xx

 

[tina_h75]

she is obviously very unhappy at home and sees your place as somewhere more comfortable. If she is so desperate to move out, why don't you offer to help her find somewhere ? If she could not afford a flat on her own, there are always rooms available for house share. Even though it may be a little annoying for you, take it as a compliment as she obviously thinks a lot of you for wanting to be there so much.

Ive helped her look for a place, arranged veiwings for her that she then didnt go to, even though i offered to go with her. She can easily afford to move out. She earns the same wage my OH earns and we manage for 3 of us.

Its not just the fact shes always asking to move in and stay over, she also uses my house as a meeting point when she goes out with guys, has them come here to pick her up, most of the time without even asking me if this is ok first.

She wont move out of her parents, simply because she doesnt have any bills to pay, they treat her like a princess, drive her everywhere, pay for her driving lessons, phone bill, food etc. The only problem she has with them is that they give her a curfew to be home by as they work early in the mornings.

Its just so frustrating that she wont listen to me when i say no!

A few days ago she missed her bus home so had to stay over, OH was working a nightshift, so i was going to be sleeping in my bed alone and she was going to sleep on the couch like she normally does, as the spare bed is in my daughters room and i dont allow anyone to sleep in her room.
She then told me that she was going to sleep in mine and OH's bed and that i should sleep in LO's room. She didnt ask me, she told me. Then wandered upstairs and got into mine and OH's bed! I honestly didnt know what to say so just got into the spare bed in LO's room and by the time i got up in the morning she'd left for work already so i couldnt talk to her about it.
Shes just really cheeky in my opinion, and i dont know how to get through to her.

Thats different then. She is using you and your place because she can and has been able to do so before. I think its time to get tough and stand up to her. You might run the risk of offending her but if she does stay away for a while, hopefully it will get her chance to see how unreasonable her behaviour was. A true friend should see this anyway.

 

[blueskai]

Arrr I can't bear people like this. I had someone a bit the same, altho she wasn't asking to stay she would invite herself over for dinner when we would barely have enough food in for ourselves. In the end as bad as it sounds I got my OH to tell her my fone was broke, that was Apr 2011 and I haven't heard from her since altho she is OHs best friends gf.

She got really posessive and stalkerish, always going on how I was her best mate and that, just made me feel uncomfortable

xo

 

[raychmumtobe]

Arrr I can't bear people like this. I had someone a bit the same, altho she wasn't asking to stay she would invite herself over for dinner when we would barely have enough food in for ourselves. In the end as bad as it sounds I got my OH to tell her my fone was broke, that was Apr 2011 and I haven't heard from her since altho she is OHs best friends gf.

She got really posessive and stalkerish, always going on how I was her best mate and that, just made me feel uncomfortable

xo

This is exactly what she is like. She refers to me as her best freind, and it makes me and my other freinds uncomfortable. She even asked me why i chose the bridesmaid and maids of honour that i did?
I had a bodyshop pamper party a few weeks ago and she showed up, whilst the party was going on, some of my other friends were talking about getting cabs home etc, so i said to one of them, "oh, **** lives close to you, could she jump in a cab with you?" Thinkin i was doing her a favour, she then said "oh no its ok, im staying here." Then went into the bathroom and put on some pyjamas she'd brought with her and then wandered into my kitchen and helped herself to food from my cupboard and fridge, cocktail sausages, cakes, sausage rolls, biscuits and crisps! The whole party just went quiet and everyone was just looking at her like WTF! and it never even phased her! I had several witnesses to the fact i hadnt invited her to stay, she just decided she was staying. They have all since told me to tell her to leave my family and i alone and that shes a phsycho. I thought this was quite harsh and felt sorry for her, but it just seems shes taking advantage of me now.

 

[tinkerbelle2]

sounds like you are in a difficult place, I have not been in your situation so can't speak from experience, but I would like to think if I was, that I would be able to just turn round and be blunt and state you are no longer willing to be used, you have a growing child, who is need of space, routine and a family life, that is not disturbed by someone using HER home as a doss house as and when she wants.
If you lose her friendship, would you really be bothered? It depends on that, as to how you could deal with things.
If you want to keep her friendship, then make your OH be the bad party and get him involved

 

[raychmumtobe]

sounds like you are in a difficult place, I have not been in your situation so can't speak from experience, but I would like to think if I was, that I would be able to just turn round and be blunt and state you are no longer willing to be used, you have a growing child, who is need of space, routine and a family life, that is not disturbed by someone using HER home as a doss house as and when she wants.
If you lose her friendship, would you really be bothered? It depends on that, as to how you could deal with things.
If you want to keep her friendship, then make your OH be the bad party and get him involved

Im not sure how id feel about losing her freindship to be honest.
OH wont get involved though, he says shes my freind, my problem, and i need to tell her straight. Not sure what else i can do. I really dont like hurting people.

 

[tinkerbelle2]

Sometimes you have to hurt someone to get through to them, life is tough and there are times you need to put yourself and your family before others feelings, if she is a true friend then she will understand

 

[fifiO]

sorry that your in this situation, sounds like a toughie. don't want to risk offending her/losing her friendship yet it can't carry on the way it is. are you able to talk to her parents and see if they can suggest anything? if it was me i would tell a white lie and say that my oh has asked that she doesn't stay round anymore as it's affecting the family dynamics. hope you can resolve the situation soon

 

[baby D]

sounds awful hin xx

I do think bluntness is the only way though x Good luck x