What do you do when your mom calls your baby hers?

[Elisianna]

My mom keeps calling my baby hers. She is in Florida right now and I got a text from my sister that said, "Mom wants to know how her baby is doing (well, yours, actually, she just feels like it's hers.)" Before she left on holidays she said "Take care of my baby".

The part where she says it "feels like hers" makes it so much worse. I just cried like a big baby right at the office (and I'm a front desk receptionist!). It makes me so much more upset than I ever would have imagined.

I know I'm not unique in this experience. What do you do in this situation? I don't want to upset her or hurt her feelings. I am close to my mom and she is doing so much for me as she has always done, but I feel like I need to say something or I might start to resent her.

When we were siblings, mom wouldn't let anyone else hold us EVER. Even when she had twins, my dad RARELY got a chance to hold one. I find it odd that someone so possessive over her own children would not think about how I might feel when she makes those comments.

 

[MrsHippo]

Aww bless you I haven't experienced anything like this myself but have heard similar stories. I am guessing your mum is at at age or in a situation where she can't have more children? The only thing I can suggest you do is speak to your mum as soon as you can (as the longer you wait the more it will build up inside) and talk to her about how you feel. She needs to understand that this baby is yours... If she is like this now I can only imagine her to become worse once baby is born and it will only ruine your relationship.
I know it's hard to confront family as your afraid to hurt their feelings but this situation is definitely something you need to sort out now. Good luck though and hope it goes well xx

 

[doggylover]

Be gentle but firm. Next time anything is said about her baby just politely respond "I think you mean MY baby, your grandchild. You're going to be a great GRANDMA because you were such a great mum, and I hope I will be as great a mum to MY baby as you were to me." Lots of emphasis on the my, and just keep doing it until she gets the picture. If she doesn't, maybe a sterner word in the future.

 

[scotskid]

I find it odd that someone so possessive over her own children would not think about how I might feel when she makes those comments.

You actually missed your own point, I think. She does it because she doesn't realise it's having any effect on anyone else.

You need to bring it up to her. If it keeps up, she may end up interfering. I look forward to asking my mum for advice, but I wouldn't if it was like this.

 

[Kinoley]

Hi
I wish I could help but I dont really know! I know I would play her at her own game and be really possessive, tell her she cant hold the baby because its yours! I dont know if that is good or bad advice but its what I would do.
I do understand how you feel though. We are having our baby away from home and my MIL wants to come over to us for the birth. I feel totally territorial about it! I know I'll need help but I want it to be a special time for just me, DH and our LO. Im like 'back off, this is my nest!' lol

 

[Koukla]

My mom has called my DS her baby since he was born, which doesn't bother me- she says it out of affection and pride for being his Nana. I will say the "she feels like it's hers" bit is kind of creepy. If you don't want to hurt your mom's feelings by saying something outright, maybe try joking with her- say "But I thought I was your baby!" or, "great, if it's yours then YOU can have the labor pains!" and see if she gets the hint. If not, it might be prudent to say something before the baby is born and she starts overstepping boundries.

 

[Elisianna]

Thanks for the suggestions, ladies!

I definitely want to keep things good between the two of us. I'm even letting her be there for the birth (though to be honest if I knew she was going to be like this, I might have just told her I'd be more comfortable to do it alone with only my husband present...). She had 6 children and she really knows her stuff. I'd love to be able to ask her for help and advice, but if I feel she is getting too controlling or possessive, I might not have that option. I hope talking to her will help things!

 

[youngwife20]

My mom keeps calling my baby hers. She is in Florida right now and I got a text from my sister that said, "Mom wants to know how her baby is doing (well, yours, actually, she just feels like it's hers.)" Before she left on holidays she said "Take care of my baby".

The part where she says it "feels like hers" makes it so much worse. I just cried like a big baby right at the office (and I'm a front desk receptionist!). It makes me so much more upset than I ever would have imagined.

I know I'm not unique in this experience. What do you do in this situation? I don't want to upset her or hurt her feelings. I am close to my mom and she is doing so much for me as she has always done, but I feel like I need to say something or I might start to resent her.

When we were siblings, mom wouldn't let anyone else hold us EVER. Even when she had twins, my dad RARELY got a chance to hold one. I find it odd that someone so possessive over her own children would not think about how I might feel when she makes those comments.

i dont see what the big deal is. i call my daughter OURS. i dont mind if my mum were to ever call her hers. the baby is part of her. i think its so amazing that your mum is already showing how much she cares for you i believe its just part of the excitment hun when you feel your part of someones experiance you can take it on as your own. not intentialy she just is very happy and excited. let it go.

 

[sugaplumx27]

my mom and MIL do the same thing. (never said "feels like its mine") but always refer to bubs as "my baby". i thought that would bother me when i heard someone else say their mom was doing that, but it doesnt. i know how she means it, and i know shes not trying to claim ownership over my child, shes just overly excited to be a grandma.

take it with a grain of salt. until she starts telling her friends that SHE'S having a baby, taking you out of the equation or actually trying to steal your baby, then i wouldnt worry!!!

im sure its annoying (trust me, theres some things people say to me that make me BOIL) but dont let it get you too upset

 

[Lissidoll123]

my mum does the exact same, my mum is quite young and I think she and my dad are finding the grandparent thing a bit awkward! They're 45 and look like they're in their 30s! I've Come to accept that my mum has plans already to kidnap my baby every now and again and to be honest, I'm ok with that! She is mega excited and I'm sure I'll be grateful of the help once LO is here! Also baby is going to mums day care free of charge when I return to work so I want them to have a close relationship. As sad as it seems LO will probs see my mum more than me when I return to work

Try and embrace it and if your relationship is anything like mine and my mums I always tell her if she is being overbearing or annoying!

Good luck!!! Xxxx

 

[Amour]

I don't see the problem. I think your Mom is just happy, excited and proud. It seems that you are now showing signs of the same possesiveness your Mom went through.

Perhaps your upset comes from feeling your Mom will take over with her possesiveness?

In any case, rather than hint, joke, get upset or hide with baby from Mom - I would suggest you have a frank chat with her about how you feel. You may also get to understand her feelings as a Grandmother (which IMO is a very important role in a child's life).

Good Luck!!!

 

[_jellybean_]

Everyone is different, but my mom does it, and it doesn't bother me at all, because of course she knows he's my son. But she is such a huge part of his life. TBH, it makes me feel good that my mom loves my son so much. It takes a village, and if I didn't have her help, I'd be a mess.

I would talk to your mom about it if you're really bothered. It's a lot better than bottling emotions in, because then you can become resentful and angry.

I couldn't make this out in your post....Does she really believes that your baby will be hers? If so, then I think that's another kind of problem.

xx

 

[Elisianna]

i dont see what the big deal is. i call my daughter OURS. i dont mind if my mum were to ever call her hers. the baby is part of her. i think its so amazing that your mum is already showing how much she cares for you i believe its just part of the excitment hun when you feel your part of someones experiance you can take it on as your own. not intentialy she just is very happy and excited. let it go.

It's nice that you see it in a positive light, and I wish I could, but as my mom has always been extremely controlling and overbearing, I find it a bit threatening. When she called it hers the first few times I let it slide, but she calls it hers EVERY TIME and never calls it mine. My mom has told me she won't call my child by their name if she doesn't like it, she has said she will not babysit my son if he is uncircumcised, and these are all just attempts at her trying to control me. They are empty threats, but she wants to get her way.

I know she is happy and excited. I know she is not intentionally trying to hurt my feelings or make me feel uncomfortable, but truth is, it does. I don't want to tell her to stop because I think she's being bad, I want to ask her to stop because I don't want to have bad feelings towards her.

I guess I just mean to say it's a deeper issue for me than simply "She calls it hers and it is mine wah wah wah".

 

[Elisianna]

@Jellybean: No, I don't think she really thinks the baby will be hers. I'm not sure what kind of complicated feelings she has towards my baby.

Mine will be the first of all of her grandchildren, and probably the only for quite some time. Of course I have no idea what that feels like, it would be a good idea, as Amour suggested, to understand her feelings as a grandma.

 

[_jellybean_]

I think you need to have a talk with her about how you feel about everything. That's pretty crazy that she said that she won't call your child by their name if she doesn't like it. Wow. I don't know what to say. I think you should just tell her that she's making you upset so things don't get worse.

 

[20something]

Wow, wont babysit if he's uncircumcised!!!??? thats nuts!!

My mum has been getting very involved in the whole baby thing - even though she's interstate (this is the 1st grandkid). Ive always thought it was nice that she was so interested. The other day though, she was sending me baby name ideas (as she always does, and they always suck!) and i said no, i dont like that one...and she replied "well I do". And in that moment i knew i had to put my foot down and said "well luckily, its not your baby"...

I think boundaries have to be set. Even grandparents need to know where they stand.

 

[Here_we_go]

My mom keeps calling my baby hers. She is in Florida right now and I got a text from my sister that said, "Mom wants to know how her baby is doing (well, yours, actually, she just feels like it's hers.)" Before she left on holidays she said "Take care of my baby".

The part where she says it "feels like hers" makes it so much worse. I just cried like a big baby right at the office (and I'm a front desk receptionist!). It makes me so much more upset than I ever would have imagined.

I know I'm not unique in this experience. What do you do in this situation? I don't want to upset her or hurt her feelings. I am close to my mom and she is doing so much for me as she has always done, but I feel like I need to say something or I might start to resent her.

When we were siblings, mom wouldn't let anyone else hold us EVER. Even when she had twins, my dad RARELY got a chance to hold one. I find it odd that someone so possessive over her own children would not think about how I might feel when she makes those comments.

i dont see what the big deal is. i call my daughter OURS. i dont mind if my mum were to ever call her hers. the baby is part of her. i think its so amazing that your mum is already showing how much she cares for you i believe its just part of the excitment hun when you feel your part of someones experiance you can take it on as your own. not intentialy she just is very happy and excited. let it go.

I agree. My mom could careless about her grandson. We were on the phone the other day and she asked how the DOG was... I said fine..so is YOUR GRANDSON! Argh. Apparently she loves our boston terrier more than she does our son
I called my mom at 7 in the morning when I was in labor (went in at 3-4am). The only reason she arrived with my dad and aunt when she did (7 that NIGHT, I had my son around midday) was because my aunt made my parents take her to see me and her nephew! The excuse for not being there for me???? She had to do laundry.......

 

[lch28]

i think its wonderful shes so excited. my mom is just pissed at me for being pregnant and im terrified that will come out in the way she treats my child. she has 2 grandsons already, this will be her 3rd and im scared he will be treated differently. I think you may be overreacting a bit.. im sure she doesn't think its her baby. A grandma is such a huge huge huge part of childrens lives but its not going to take away the fact that you are the mother..

 

[Stelly]

i dont see what the big deal is. i call my daughter OURS. i dont mind if my mum were to ever call her hers. the baby is part of her. i think its so amazing that your mum is already showing how much she cares for you i believe its just part of the excitment hun when you feel your part of someones experiance you can take it on as your own. not intentialy she just is very happy and excited. let it go.

It's nice that you see it in a positive light, and I wish I could, but as my mom has always been extremely controlling and overbearing, I find it a bit threatening. When she called it hers the first few times I let it slide, but she calls it hers EVERY TIME and never calls it mine. My mom has told me she won't call my child by their name if she doesn't like it, she has said she will not babysit my son if he is uncircumcised, and these are all just attempts at her trying to control me. They are empty threats, but she wants to get her way.

I know she is happy and excited. I know she is not intentionally trying to hurt my feelings or make me feel uncomfortable, but truth is, it does. I don't want to tell her to stop because I think she's being bad, I want to ask her to stop because I don't want to have bad feelings towards her.

I guess I just mean to say it's a deeper issue for me than simply "She calls it hers and it is mine wah wah wah".

I can see where you are coming from.. no disrespect to your mom but she sounds quite manipulative from what you have said. It would get my hackles up as well. I think it's already causing bad feelings- her previous actions.. this is just the icing on the cake.

Hard place to be in I would just make a point to blatantly say " my baby" etc. She will get the hint.

 

[sethsmummy]

Wow hun, you seriously need to put your foot down with your mum. The calling it "my baby" is kinda ok as my best friend does that just now. But the whole "feels like its hers" and all that other crap is just not right. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that this is your baby, things will be done how you like it (name, circumcision etc) and she can either like it or lump it!

my mum half the time cba with my son (isnt too fussed about this baby either) as her favourite is my sisters first born, she openly tells people that she is her favourite and she is the only one that she will babysit regularly. my son is almost 3 and shes babysat him twice (once overnight at 2 weeks old as thats about the only time she gets excited.. when its a newborn. and once for a couple hours because my sister asked her to). As much as i would love my mum to take more interest i would not put up with her being like your mum is. My MIL was being like that and she got told to back the hell off (now has v little to do with me/my son but thats another story)

Good luck hun xx