What has happened to my 5 year old

[mumspider]

Hi all,

My 5 year old DD and I have always been very close since her birth. She is very much like me and although we have had a few ups and downs, we have always got along and she has always respected me.

She started reception last Sept and found it very hard to adjust. There were a number of bullies who targeted her and we spent the first few months working with the teacher to rectify the problem.

In the last few weeks I have noticed a change. She seems to dislike me being around her and never wants to be affectionate towards me (cuddles, kisses etc). She is being very cheeky and is clearly copying some of the language of her friends at school. The group of children she plays with are well known for bullying and now I am starting to see signs of my DD bullying her younger sister.

Now, I don't want to be a controlling mum and I have looked online for advice about how to deal with it all. I find it difficult sometimes to get things right with my children, so I can often be quite controlling/domineering, so I am not sure whether to sit back and accept that this is a phase and 'children can be like this' or whether to take it more seriously.

I know my DD is probably just testing to see how far she can take things, but she genuinely just doesn't seem to care if I am there or not and makes it clear she doesn't want to talk to me about school, her feelings etc.

What should I do?

 

[Quartz]

She is growing up its as simple as that.

With the being around you and not wanting to talk about school, she has spent all day at school around people and may just want time to decompress by herself. When I come in from work I dont want to talk about the ins and outs of what happened I want to chill out. You yourself say you are controlling and domineering so let her have some space. She will tell you what she wants. Its hard but its being a mum - letting them grow and become a person on her own.

The more you try and push it the more she might withdraw follow her lead. I would also caution reading to much into it that she does not want you there wanting her own space is not the same as not wanting you there if that makes sense.

One of the hardest things about being a parent is realising you cannot micromanage your children, they are little people in their own right with their own personalities.

That said I would tackle the cheekiness and language but that is a separate issue. I vaguely remember from another thread you are not that keen on her friends but we cant chose our child friends simply accept them.

 

[mumspider]

Thanks for your reply. I agree, I've pushed in the past, but these days I take a step back if need be. I'm not sure it can be summed up as just growing up though, mainly because her attitude changed almost overnight and yesterday her aggressive behaviour became too much when she started spitting in my other daughter's face. I called the school and was told that another girl (whom I've talked about in other posts) has been getting my daughter to physically hurt other children in exchange for friendship. The school have intervened already and have separated them!

 

[Quartz]

I think there are two separate things - a natural process of growing up, separating herself and becoming more autonomous and an attitude change.

Personally the first is fine and just take a step back and not take it personally. The second I think you do need to look at. Does that make sense? Some friendships can be toxic and it seems your daughter is in one. I would definitely keep an eye.

The difficult balance I think of parenthood is knowing when you just let them be and when you do need to pry and get to the bottom of a situation - anything that provokes a personality change needs to be sorted. I have learnt with my daughter the signs in terms of emotional cues and responses as to when her day is fine and she just wants to chill and when something has happened and she wants me to ask her about it!