What helps and what doesn't?

[SleepyBaby]

Im currently 23 weeks pregnant and my best friend was 29 weeks pregnant due 28th September but had her little baby girl Fri 13th July, baby was just under 3lbs.

I dont know much about baby as i don't ask to many questions, i know bubba was up for a heart scan today, had some kidney troubles and is still on the ventalitor so shes not having an easy time of it

the reason i'm posting in here is i was wondering if any one could tell me if there's anything anyone has said that has annoyed you, or anything anyone has done that rubbed you up the wrong way? or anything in general i should avoid?

i didn't know if this was right place to post this thread but i came to conclusion that its a forum for premature babies and mums, so maybe you could help me help her?

 

[confused87com]

she is probably going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now. When i was in her situation it was hard to deal with regnant people/ people with babie, so please dont feel offended if she pushes u away a bit ( altho she may not be like this at all!) Offer her ur support and let her know u r there, it is such a tough journey, just knowing that helps

 

[dizz]

We had a relatively easy ride through NICU - but I'm still pretty severely traumatised by what went on much later, 3+ months down the line - and no one seems to listen to that, they just fob me off with a "well she's here and OK now" - and inwardly I'm screaming - "but I'm NOT OK - listen to me!" But that's for later I guess.

While they're in the hospital - it might well be the practicalities - it was things like fetching preemie-sized nappies in for us, help sorting out things for hubby to eat when he got in from the hospital (I had to stay in with her - no luxury of choice in our place lol... although I needed help getting EDIBLE food - there were mealtimes I sobbed in sheer despair at what they were serving up), we had two dogs so people helping out taking them for long walks helped us a tonne, and later when she was out of incubators and jaundice lights - tracking down clothes small enough for her... to a large extent the emotional support stuff came later when the aftermath fully hit us (hit me like a freight train when I had to go back for the hospital for an appointment some clown moved to the room next door to NICU).

The other big one that upset me a lot - I was staying on a maternity ward while she was in NICU and I listened to couple after couple being brought onto the ward and congratulated on their new arrival... only ONE doctor ever congratulated us (and I wanted to snog him for it... the fact he was gorgeous had no consideration in this equation HONEST!) - people reacted to seeing her by crying, by freaking out about her size, by all sorts - and I just wanted them to react to her in a "this is your baby and she's gorgeous" normal way if that makes any sense at all.

 

[laura077]

If you've seen the baby tell her it's beautiful and congratulations. Regardless, tell her congratulations. It will be the best thing she hears.

I totally understand where Dizz is coming from. It's awful lying in bed for a week after an emergency c-section listening to babies cry in their mother's room while you wait for permission to TOUCH and HOLD your baby for the first time. My son will be 5 months old tomorrow. We've had a readmit to the hospital overnight and he's gone through casting and now bracing for a foot issue. Still waiting on a hernia repair and mouth cyst surgery. I've actually been told that I should "get over it." That is definitely never the right thing to say.

Just say Congratulations and I'm here if you need me.

 

[dizz]

Yeah the congratulations was the one that got me so angry - I did actually mention it to the hospital staff - that the preemie babies were AS worthy of the "congratulations awww she's gorgeous" as all the other babies and not doing that made me feel like absolute crap (the doctor who did come in and go, "first of all - congratulations" was adorable, and tasty - I could have quite easily taken HIM home as well if he'd fitted in my suitcase )... I had far too much of people gawking like she was a bit of a novelty, and my MIL bursting into tears melodramatically the first time she saw her - gah!

I also fell in love with anyone who came in bearing gifts of coffee and a sandwich - but that was our hospital catering being diabolical and if she's somewhere that views food as something to be cooked, and not beaten till all its nutritional content is obliterated that might be less of an issue!

If you can find anything - it might be nice to get her something in early baby size (I know Mothercare at least goes Early > Tiny > New in their sizes)... it kind of broke my heart a bit getting all these gorgeous newborn sized outfits... which it was a good month or so before she could fit into them - wheras the few dinky sized ones we had, albeit huge on her to start with, will always have a special place in my heart as being the "that was the first thing we dressed her in" type clothes... kept us going till we could wear all the frilly newborn stuff - not that she'll be able to dress her now, but it really really meant something to us the first time we could put her in her OWN clothes.

We're waiting to see what happens with our girl's hernia at the moment - we've been exceptionally lucky that it seems to be the worst she's come out of it all with - and I admit I did feel a slight dose of smug when she breezed through her newborn hearing tests, and all these full-term giants (they don't half feel like that when you get so used to looking at a little one - the first time at baby clinic I felt like I'd walked into some kind of realm of giant mutant babies!) were flunking out on theirs!

 

[AP]

she is probably going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now. When i was in her situation it was hard to deal with regnant people/ people with babie, so please dont feel offended if she pushes u away a bit ( altho she may not be like this at all!) Offer her ur support and let her know u r there, it is such a tough journey, just knowing that helps

I would agree with this too. I hated people expecting to see the baby too, everyone texted me saying "oh cant wait to come in to see her". I'm sure everyones different but there came a point where people started wanting to see the tiny baby, like some sorta circus show. I only allowed very close friends to see her.

Congratulate like you would any birth and offer an ear and some support.

 

[Foogirl]

Atomic. Can you find the "What not to say" thread and link to it. That's useful.

What I will also say is, be prepared for your friend not to want to see you. It is absolutely nothing personal but I would have found it hard in the very beginning to be around a friend who was pregnant. She will be mourning the loss of a pregnancy.

 

[meant2bamummy]

Personally, all I wanted to do was talk about my babies (twins). I wanted to tell people how well they were doing, because even though my babies were born early and tiny, they were doing so well. I was a proud mom. But every mom is different. The one thing that got me was people just assuming that they could come and visit. I even had one parent who was going to let their daughter take the day off of school to come and see them in the NICU. Luckily, in those instances, they had called my mom to ask for the babies room number and my mom made it very clear that they could not get in. I did get very angry at times, but I had to remind myself that not many people have experience with prems so they don't know that WE couldn't even hold them every day, or when we did, we could only hold them once a day. So, what I suggest is start off by asking how the baby is doing. Then take her lead. If she chatters away then maybe ask a couple questions. If she shuts you out, changes topic, etc, then just go with it. But I agree...some of the things I appreciated were the little things. Clothes that fit, food dropped off, a coffee, etc. Even an invite to ask us out for supper - got us out of the hospital for a couple hours. But that one is tough - depends on the momma!

 

[Foogirl]

And make sure you ask how she is doing too!

 

[lgc]

My 32 week baby was in hospital for 4 weeks and we've been home for a month. Although we had a relatively uncomplicated time I still found it (and still do) hugely exhausting and stressful. One of the things that got to me was when people would say things like 'oh it's tiring having a new baby isn't it' or 'I know exactly how you feel, I hated being in hospital' when they got to take their babies home on day 2! On reflection I now realise they didn't mean anything by it but it really got to me at the time.

Also people constantly telling me my baby is really small as if I hadn't realised - this is from dr's, nurses, visitors or just people who stop me in the street! I agree with a previous post that it's heartbreaking having lots of lovely clothes that they wont fit into for a long time. 'Tiny Baby' stuff is generally up to 7.5 lb, and newborn can be up to 10lb (my little boy is still only 4lb 8oz at term). Boots do some good small preemie stuff, and some Tesco's do up to 5.5 lb which he's wearing now.

In terms of support a quick text to let your friend know you're thinking about her is always welcome and maybe all she needs at first. It was nice having texts to reply to when you were kicked off the the ward because of ward round, or because they were having to insert a new drip etc. I decided to keep everybody updated on facebook but you could offer to be the person who emails out an update to selected people? I know someone else who asked a friend to do that and found it easier than doing it herself.

Another biggie is people presuming everything is fine and dandy now we're at home and putting pressure on us for them to come and visit. Yes he is now 8 weeks old but we've only been at home for 4, and we were having to deal with tube feeding at first, now bottle fed but that's brought a whole new set of issues (baby still too weak to suck on normal teats, powder formula blocks the small ones he can manage etc), he's stopped putting on weight, started with silent reflux, and were generally only getting about 2 - 3 hrs sleep a night. I think people who bring premature or sick babies home need a lot longer to settle in at home.

Sorry, I seem to have used your post as a way of venting some of my own issues!!

 

[lgc]

Oh and offering food for the freezer and nappies are by far the best things we received! Cooking is still pretty low down on the agenda and it'll be important for your friend & partner to eat properly so if you're looking to do something helpful I'm sure a lasagne wuld be greatly appreciated!

 

[SleepyBaby]

Thank you all very much for the advice and for sharing your personal experience, this thread has shown me i probably would have said and done the wrong things, instead i've seen my friend smile and talk about how cute her little one is, so thank you all

 

[AP]

Bless her - just take her lead i guess and look after her

 

[Foogirl]

I'll also say, she is lucky to have such a thoughtful friend. Especially as being second had in a preemie experience can be frightening for someone who is pregnant too.

You could also offer to take her out for lunch or dinner or shopping or something. I didn't have a massive support network near me and chose not to spend every waking moment at the hospital. Those times I was alone at home, it would have been lovely to have a friend to go for lunch with or something, just for some escapism. When my mum or sister came to stat, even just having them there to help me do some housework and stuff was great, not because I needed help but because it was someone to keep me company and stop me pondering over stuff.