What is He not telling me?

[loulabell]

Hey Ladies,

Me and my OH are suppose to be "trying" or NTNP from the end of April/beginning of May. And the closer we get the more I think he isn't ready but doesn't want to tell me outright. I have said that trying or not I'm not going on birth control after March when my implant comes out because I want to know how my body is with out any artificial changes. We are going to use condoms/pull out for 2 months. But now I feel as if we aren't going to try but when I ask him I don't get a straight answer out of him. If I say I want a baby he is anti baby and if I'm like we shouldn't have a baby he is like but " I want one" he always says the opposite of how I feel so I can never get a straight answer.

I understand if he doesn't want a baby yet, but I really don't want to get to may for him to say he isn't ready and never has been id rather him tell me now.

Rant Over ...lol
I don't really no if I'm looking for an answer or for someone to tell me there story if similar.

Thanks in advance ladies xx

 

[BB1982]

Oh yes, I know how you feel. OH was on board and made comments about 'trying' next year a while back, but then more recently it's been hard to pin him. He knows I'm coming off the pill at Christmas. Well saying that, I've told him a few times but I can bet when I tell him in a few weeks I've stopped he'll be surprised! Last time we tried to talk about it I got really emotional and we just went around in circles with him not really saying anything concrete!! I know he wants to be married first, but has made no effort to progress is towards that (no proposal). Clearly in my head I'm still planning on trying in the summer. I've spent that weekend looking at baby things, outfits, buggies, bibs, books etc online feeling I can finally after Christmas start to get a few bits organised. However, like you I have this nagging dread that once we get to next summer he'll pull the rug out from under me and drop the 'I'm not ready' bomb. I already know it will crush me if he does. I guess like you I've given up trying to discuss the matter, one because I get upset at not getting a set answer, and two, truthfully because I'm not hearing what I want to hear which is 'I want a baby too' and 'I can't wait' etc. I really hope you don't feel so alone, believe me, you are not the only person going through it. *hugs*

 

[RoseArcana]

My DF was the similar. Conversation would end with he doesn't want a child. We'd DTD - he wouldn't cover up (this continued for 6/7 months). He did it to make me happy, which I realise now. He wouldn't change a thing but now we're at loggerheads about #2 and going to counselling to deal with issues from last time. Think really carefully if your OH's are still unsure when the time comes... It is pretty heartbreaking to go through pregnancy and childbirth with someone who really wasn't sure about it x

 

[loulabell]

Thank you both ladies, although I'm not glad you are going through that, I'm glad I'm not the only one. It's so frustrating because he says "let's make a baby" when he's talking about having sex but he's only joking because I have my implant and when I ask he is like " I would have one now if we were ready" he means financially because we are paying off our credit card, but by May it will be paid off and we will have savings (fingers crossed/touch wood) and I feel like come may he will not be ready which I would never try if he wasn't, but I just want an honest answer on how he is feeling right now.

Bb1982 hopefully he is planning to ask you soon! Personally I don't think you need to be married, I'm engaged but I want a big wedding and it will be expensive so I'm happy to have kids and put it off until I can do it exactly as I want and save up, that's just me though.

Fingers crossed all our men get baby fever soon.

 

[BB1982]

Loulabell, I agree, I don't think you need to be married either, my parents had their first before marriage. My OH already has two from previous relationship, and although I know he doesn't regret that he wasn't married to her (would have been an expensive mistake!), he says he loves me, and for both him and me he wants to 'do it right next time'. I guess im happy that he wants to make marriage a priority, it's just we've not yet got engaged, and I really struggle to see how we'd afford a wedding. I have some dept from before we were together, and he is incredibly good with money. He really hates that I'm in dept but when we got together I got a loan to pay off all my cards etc and I work hard to not only make the regular payments but to overpay when I can. He says I can't go on maternity while in still paying it, which is true there is no way I could, but I've worked it out so I know the loan will be gone almost exactly when I'd be due (if we got preg right away at first try). That takes up every spare penny so there's no way I'd be able to pay my share towards a wedding. Isn't it sad to say I'd start resenting a wedding if it meant pushing my dream of being a mum even a few months further away. I guess it's harder as I'm already expected to be a step mum, so instead of nice romantic couples weekends away and holidays I get to spend my time going to indoor play centres and taking care of another woman's children. I feel trapped between two worlds!! I've explained how to OH how painful it is to constantly be at places where I'm surrounded by mums who have babies or are pregnant when that's what I desperately want but he can't change the fact he has kids and he's such a great dad. Anyway, I guess I'm left feeling like I'm not in control of my life anymore, I'm just plodding on month by month paying off dept and wishing my life away! As much as I seem to moan it's not all bad, I love him to bits and I've waited all this time to meet a person as wonderful as him I want to spend my life with, I guess maybe things get harder to wait for when they are so close to becoming a reality. Xx

 

[skycastles]

I understand how you feel..
I was supposed to be trying by now, but a few months before our agreed TTC date, I suspected DH was reluctant, so I confronted him about it. Sadly, he confirmed my fears that he just wasn't ready. Of course I was really frustrated as it was me who was anti-baby before, and DH who always knew he wanted children, but when my biological clock started ticking, he got cold feet.
After that, I let him sort his thoughts out for a few months without me bringing up babies at all. Then I requested we discuss our plans for the next 2 years - including when we would have a baby.
He offered Jan 2016 as a TTC date, but I knew he was doing it to please me, so I countered it with a date in spring instead which I feel was a pretty good move on my part because he's now considerably relaxed about the whole TTC thing. I feel so much happier with him being onboard completely this time round. While I have accepted I'm never going to hear comments along the lines of "I can't wait" from him - I guess some guys' emotions are built that way - he has been very receptive to informative baby talks and even reassures me on days I get uncertain. Even if we don't end up TTC come spring for whatever reason, I'm quite satisfied with where DH and I are at regarding the subject.
I guess what I'm trying to say by sharing all this is that you girls are definitely not alone and even if it takes a little longer than we want, there are happy outcomes! Lots of patience needed for me, but I'm glad I gave him the space until he was agreeable to a date that's just a bit of compromise on both of our sides

 

[MrsKChicago]

Sometimes men have a harder time coming around because they don't have that biological drive and babies are scary. Some men face a lot of pressure to provide when babies start coming and don't know if they can do it. The want a baby in theory but are struggling with the reality. We set a date to start TTC with our son and he totally chickened out the first month. He's head over heels in love with him now, and excited about a second, but admits he'll probably do the same when it's time again. He fully admits that he sometimes needs a push for these big life changes.

Just keep talking to him. Tell him you love him, you understand if he's freaked out, you're willing to adjust the timeline if he has reservations, but that you don't want to expect things to happen a certain way and get shocked at the last second. I hope he opens up to you soon.

 

[emicakess]

From my personal experience with my fiance, and this may not be the case with your OH... my OH needed me to take the reins. He was ready but his nerves would get the best of him. He would say he was ready then not, then yes then not yet.. He also was concerned about finances, he wanted to have X amount of money saved.. well we saved that much and he was still nervous. We were NTNP and he wasnt pulling out, so i just went ahead and made sure we DTD around ovulation. Now we have a beautiful 15 month old daughter, he is a great dad and is so happy with her. Now we want to try for #2 but again he is kinda back and forth (but more willing this time because he knows what to expect), yet he's always saying if we have another girl he wants to try agaun for a boy, then last night he said he wants 4 kids. Lol! I swear men just dont know how to fully commit.

But you know your situation, it may be different than mine!