what the hell should i do about my ex's mother wanting to see my son???

[lynne192]

Short history:
My DS is 4years 3months old. he was born premmie at 33weeks gestation and has some minor mental health issues. me and his father were together from when i was 13 i got into the relationship under stupid teenage hormones and he quickly became controlling and in the end became violent and meant i felt scared all the time, when i was 15 my partners split and for god knows what reason they both left, leaving me with my 19year old brother (will his problems) and my son's father, my son's father is 4years older than me, so he was already 17 when i was 13, it seems wrong now but at the time i didn't think about it like an adult. anyways trying to keep this short when i was 16 i had to almost run away to get away from him, but he had caused me to be scared to be alone etc and even though i got into a more health relationship it was long distance and he always hung around, one night stand i got pregnant (we had tried for 3years before we broke up) anyways the morning after he said "doesn't matter if you get pregnant you will lose it anyways" it broke my heart but i got pregnant lol fool him. i have not seen him since i was about 17weeks pregnant, i have wrote, texted called etc to try and get him involved against my better judgement and in the end gave up, about 4months ago i went to CSA to get money off of him as i was sick of him getting off scott-free anyways now DNA results are in.....

MY ex's mum now wants to contact me she got her daughter in law (my son's father's brothers partner) to contact me through a social networking site, she gave me his mum's mobile number and asked me to contact her to talk about james. but i don't know that its a good idea 3 years ago i had sent her a letter telling her what had happened....

i hate how things went down when i was younger but i will not let my son pay for my mistakes. i am not single i now have a lovely fiance who supports me and my son fully and he wanted to support us in our CSA battle but his family are james' family and bringing more people into his life with him mental health could cause problems....

anyways sorry if none of that makes sense none of it makes sense to me but i don't know what to do? i want to hear her out but i will not give out my numbers or address... how can i contact her without speaking to her on the phone and without her getting my numbers/address????

any advice would be great

even if i did decide to contact her her son will never ever get near my son the way he abused me and said he would slit james' throat if i told his mum james was his i am not going there.....

hope that all makes sense...

 

[lynne192]

really need advice ripping my hair out now

 

[dustbunny]

Tricky... why did it take 3 years for the Mother of the Father to get involved?? And I don't understand why she couldn't contact you herself instead of dragging other people into it. But anyway, think it might be best to contact her via the phone, worst case [and I mean worse case] you can change your number. Meet in a mutually agreeable but equally busy place for a talk, just the two of you. See what she has to say... that way you can decide what to do. If you don't feel its beneficial to have her involved then don't and if she takes it further you can say you tried. You would have to stipulate to her your reasons for not wanting her son/the father near your son. It will be a hard conversation but it is a necessary one I think.... sorry if its bad advice but hope it helps.

 

[lynne192]

Tricky... why did it take 3 years for the Mother of the Father to get involved?? And I don't understand why she couldn't contact you herself instead of dragging other people into it. But anyway, think it might be best to contact her via the phone, worst case [and I mean worse case] you can change your number. Meet in a mutually agreeable but equally busy place for a talk, just the two of you. See what she has to say... that way you can decide what to do. If you don't feel its beneficial to have her involved then don't and if she takes it further you can say you tried. You would have to stipulate to her your reasons for not wanting her son/the father near your son. It will be a hard conversation but it is a necessary one I think.... sorry if its bad advice but hope it helps.

i don't know why she has decided now i am guessing it has to do with the fact that her son just lost to the CSA he refused to pay so they demanded a DNA test, when they done that he was told if he was James' dad he would be changer the £500 it cost for the DNA test including the backdated CSA money, i only started with CSA a few months ago because i believe he should have to pay something out of his pocket.

so i am unsure why now when i tried years ago to talk to her and make things right and never took head of it. now this.

my sons father wants nothing to do with james he wants him in the ground dead. so safe to say i would rather not have my son around him he destoried me and my childhood i can not let him do it to my child you might say he wouldn't but he said he would slit his throat surely thats reason enough not to let him see James or let them know where i am? my family who live locally to him don't even know where i live my own mother doesn't have my address thats how worried i am. online i use a different name.

my son has extra needs too so its not as simple as a normal typical child, this could impact james in a horrible way and undo any developments we have made over the last few years.

sorry not ranting at you just trying to get all this out in front of me because i have no idea what to do.

apparently the brothers girlfriend contacted me when she was around at his mothers house his mother was stressed she had called every number i used to have and tried to get ahold of me (online using my real name) etc and apparently my son's father doesn't know she is doing this and his brother was worried i would think he was going to be attacking me (verbally) about the DNA etc i don't know

my partner and MIL said i should not entertain her i gave her many chances to get involved and suddenly she wants something? surely i can't accept that she would just walk in and out of his life as she pleases?

i dunno heads in a right mess... i usually talk to my partner about all this but his point of view is stuck and wont be changing so i am in this alone which makes it worse. my partner told me today if i let her see james i had no respect for him.

i have all the respect in the world for my Partner and MIL because they ARE james' true family they didn't need DNA tests to stuck around or go to hospitals with him visit him wipe his nose see his birthdays and christmas's its an emotional thing for me too and if i am getting this worked up i hate to see the effect it could have on James


sorry rant over lol

 

[Paton]

I think you really need to think about what YOU want from this and what is best for your son.. Don't worry about what she might be after or her motives right now... Just think about what u think is best for your son.

If you don't want her to have a regular contact with your son or even the odd contact then I can't see a reason to talk to her at all other than to say this to her. But if you feel that regular contact is something you could consider then it may be worth talking to her.

I think you need to have it clear in your mind what you want or would be willing to accept, before talking to her and it is very convenient that this is timed just after CSA have got involved so I would be cautious of her motives too. I think i'd also be wary of whether or not she is trying to build a relationship between your son and FOB by making this contact. Obviously you know her better than us but I can see why you are wary.

xx

 

[lynne192]

thanks i told the brothers girlfriend that i was not willing to talk to her just now that i needed to think about things etc and said i wont be giving out my address and numbers but if she wants a letter passed on then do so through this girl since it was her that got her involved. i want things visable so if needed i can use them if things go shit up i am scared useless of my Son's father and even if i did decided to let her see my son it would be with me there and nowhere near her house were my ex is. he wont be alone with her ever and if she tries anything i will happy disapear with james done it before when i was scared. i just don't know what to do. i used to think she was a lovely women she used to make sure her son treated me right and sh went through this stuff with her ex husand and her boys so i don't want to be too close minded i have no idea what lies my ex has been feeding her thats why its so hard i want to talk to her firstly to see what she wants and then to weight up whats right for my son i don't want to cut her down before i hear her out you know? i dunno i am so confused about it all i moved here away from everything to feel safe and worry that this is just to get me to come out of the wood work so my ex can get ahold of us but surely noones that evil and i am just worried for nothing i dunno *sigh*

 

[Paton]

Hun, it's not that she would be that evil.. she might just think she's doing the right thing by her son by getting in contact with you. She might believe that he's changed or will change and want to become a father to him. I don't know I'm just guessing. But even if her intentions are good, if it is not what you want then don't do it just because you feel bad for her.

I think you are wise to do things through letters as having it in writing is always a good thing.

Just strikes me that if, you've been scared enough to run away before then it's obviously something you really need to think about before you agree to it

xxx

 

[lynne192]

yeah thats why its so hard but its hard because my son has a daddy and family he believes to be his paternal family we are not lying to him and will explain in sensitve way details etc u know not going to say ur father's a *&*%&*& lol

i just want to think it through and offer a well rounded view and reasonable option i don't want to shut right down but at the same time i don't want to have direct contact with them either....

 

[Agiboma]

honestly i would tell them to get lost. After all this time they finally decide to acknowledge you LO existance. You have done fine without them so i would tell them your not interested.

 

[lynne192]

thanks hun said i need time to think.

 

[cluelessnow]

Take your time and think it through, especially if this impacts your relationship with your fiance. She'll always be there. Letter is good only if you don't need to provide your address or meet with FOB's brother's wife (that's if you don't want to) too often. I'd say open an random hotmail account and ask FOB's mother to write to you there. You'd get to know why she's contacting you faster and if you don't want to hear from her again, you can just shut the email account down and still have it all in writing. Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[lynne192]

i emailed them back saying i needed time they accepted this i then texted his mum making sure it was the right number from my work phone and never got reply she can't be that desprate to see james.