What to do? Fearing People's Opinions.

[sunnylove]

This is our first child and I really want a homebirth. I have no reservations or fears about this myself, I come from a family of homebirthers, know many who've done it etc. My family would be very supportive of it, but I know my DH's family would not be.

His mom used to be a nurse and had very complicated pregnancies, and both were pre-term. I haven't even broached the subject about homebirth with her yet, but I know she would be 1,000% opposed to it and make me feel like a horrible person if I decide to do it. Maybe some of you can relate. Not in a "blah blah blah, home birth is bad, but I don't really know what I'm talking about" kind of way. Like, she worked in obgyn. "That is a horrible idea, you're stupid for considering it, here's why, a, b, c, we are not supporting this decision" is how she would more likely react.

I have considered just not telling them we plan to homebirth. But of course she would ask what doctor I'm going to, what hospital, etc so that's basically a no-go (and we do live close to them so can't avoid them). Does anyone, PLEASE have any advice on what we should do?? I want to homebirth but honestly I think I fear her wrath more than I do the thought of labor itself!

 

[xsadiex]

I had my first at home. Some of my family were not keen at all! If she's so interested why don't you send her some articles with all the pro's of homebirths? Try not to worry about it, you can do it and prove her wrong

 

[flubdub]

I think you should just ignore her. My dad just said to me (about half an hour ago) "Why don't you just go to hospital and do it normally?"
I said "This WAS normal 100 years ago!"
And he said "But its not 100 years ago now. It's 2013."
I just ignored him. We get on very well and don't usually disagree on much. I know he's just worried for me but what can I do? If I took every negative comment to heart, it would never happen.
If she says she won't support you, say "ok" and leave it at that. She can't change your mind so there's no point in listening!

 

[aliss]

I just lied ... The birth of your child is far more important in the scheme of life then their opinions. Everything you do as a pregnant woman & then as a mother is wrong according to most, lol

 

[sue_88]

My grandad quizzed me on whether the hospital had all the correct facilities and good care and I just nodded along.

My mum knows I want a homebirth, and whilst I don't think she is 100% happy with that choice, she knows it's my decision.

She did say though "Well I did speak with Heather and she said they can be very dangerous, and you know she used to be a midwife."

The woman is over 80 years old...and used to be a midwife when she was 40

So I'm just avoiding the subject now, it's my choice & if my mum wishes to spread it round my family so be it, although I don't think she will. Luckily they live 2 hours away so I don't see my extended family much.

 

[Sam Pearson]

I''d not get into it with her. Surround yourself with supportive people and block the rest who are rude enough to offer their unwanted and unasked for advice. For the time being you can just say "we're looking into our options" then if you do let her know you have chosen a homebirth and she had negative comments just say "we've put a lot of thought and research into our decision and are happy with out choice, please pass the bean dip" and change the subject.

Also, this is your partners mother - if her comments are becoming too much for you to fend off explain how it's undermining your confidence and therefore preventing you from being relaxed and could also jeapordise your birth experience - the last thing you need now is the voice of a negative person in your head - and get him to speak with her and ask her not to talk about the birth unless she can respect and be supportive of your choice.

If she seems open to learning and accepting your choice you might invite her to read a book or two or even suggest she have a consultation with an IM who can alleviate any fears she has but at the end of the day whether she approves or agrees is irrelevant - she chose where she birth and you get to do the same and she has had her day and should let you have yours.

My mother was very negative so she didn't get to talk about the birth with me. I just said "yeah, enough of birth talk"and Id change the subject. In the end she was so negative I avoided talking to her altogether and didn't even bother telling her when the baby was born. My MIL OTOH was totally supportive and I invited her to our home a week before the birth and she was amazing and did all the cleaning and cooking and was invited to the birth and was wonderful - my mother was disappointed but birthing is not a spectator sport and only those who were respectful towards me and enhanced the experience were allowed in my birth space.

 

[lynnikins]

the data they give us in the UK says that in low risk pregnancies the safest place to give birth is at home, I dont fall into the low risk catagory but still feel that its safest for me to birth at home because the reasons im not low risk have not caused problems in any of my previous births

 

[aliss]

I agree with Sam, just surround yourself with those who are supportive. My mother didn't agree with home birth but she respected my choice, so I had no problems telling her and having her there to watch my toddler. If they are not "pro-home birth" that's normal - but don't allow anti-home birth crowd to constantly question you!

 

[fionar]

I made my mom talk to my grandma about it, haha. I thought she'd be super judgey, so whenever she'd ask where we were giving birth, I'd say "Oh, we haven't chosen a hospital yet..."

Finally mom said "Look, she's having a homebirth and she's really worried about you being judgmental about it, so stop asking her about hospitals and if you have anything negative to say about her choices, say it to me, not her."

...grandma was actually, shockingly, quite supportive and encouraging. Color me surprised.

 

[NaturalMomma]

I know my family was hesitant about it at first, but I answer all questions they had and they were put more at ease. I was just open and honest.

 

[misspriss]

I didn’t tell my MIL until almost 20 weeks. I was worried how she would react, DH was born by C-section and got an infection and was in the ICU for 10 days, and he was the only child she had. I was born at home, so I told my dad right away. Using the same midwife that delivered me helped, he remembered her!

MIL actually took it really well. First there was the “Wow….you plan to do what…?” kind of reaction, but they have been supportive. MIL knows I research the crap out of stuff, so I think she trusts I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t know it was safe.

If anyone gives you any crap though, just ignore them!