What to do if father wants access?

[Ju_bubbs]

Hey all, I'm probably worrying about this, far too much far too early! But just wanted some opinions on the situation, just incase!

As some of you may know my OH left me last week, saying he wanted our baby, but simply didn't want me anymore. It was completely out of the blue - as far as I was aware we were both really happy, and he seemed to be really excited about having our first baby together! But, yeah.. thats another story! Since then, he's just been really cruel to me really, saying things just to be spiteful and stuff.. and has asked me not to contact him again, EVER! I reminded him we were having a baby, and again he just repeated, not to contact him. (this was all by txt) So I've taken this to mean he's bored of the idea of being a dad already and wants nothing to do with baby.

I'm more than happy to bring this baby up without his support, if thats what he wants.. What I am worried about is, him suddenly deciding after its born that he wants to start taking him/her for afternoons/weekends, whatever.

Now I know that sounds like it would be a good thing, but I have reasons why I don't think it is!

Firstly, the way he's been with me, I really can't see him wanting to spend time with the baby with me there too. Now he's only 21, his parents already made it clear that they will have nothing to do with the baby, even before he left me, so they aren't going to help him care for it. You may think at 21, he's perfectly capable of looking after a baby, but the whole time we lived together, I felt like I'd gained a teenager, he can barely breath on his own without being talked through how to do it! I really wouldn't be able to stop worrying for a second if was to take the baby anywhere.
Apart from all that, I'd also be really worried that if I let him see the baby, he'd just leave again as soon as the going got tough, and I'd rather the child just didn't have a father, than get to know him then ahve to lose him if you get what I mean!

What would you do?

 

[lou_w34]

sorry about you ex, sounds like he doesnt no what he wants really!!

Ummm if he does decide when bubs is here that he would like some kind of access, it will have to be on your terms, with access that you are comfortable with. So if you want to start with access with you being present, then tell him that.

For now though i would just do as he says and dont contact him... if he really wants to know he will get in contact with you.


x

 

[scottishgal89]

try not to worry about this just now!
he sounds really confused, maybe he just needs some time to pull himself together or maybe his family have kind of brainwashed him in a way?!
as for access. thats a long way down the line. if hes not interested like you suggest then he might not bother. if he does try he cant just take the baby away anytime or place he wants. would be with you there until your happy to leave them alone together. if he wants that sooner than you then he can take you to court and you can contest it but dont start worrying about that please. thats WAY into it. my lo is nearly 6months and ive still not been taken to court
xx

 

[WhiteGeisha]

Hey hun, you situation is similar to mine - FOB hasn't had anything to do with this pregnancy and as yet has not paid a penny towards anything. I spoke to him a couple of weeks ago and he told me to take him to court for money!! He also started saying "you told me I wasn't having anything to do with the baby, so i'm not, good luck with the CSA finding me" (smart arse is in the British Army so not so smart after all!!)...anyway we only talk on text so I asked him to forward me the text in which I told him he wasn't having owt to do with LO - his reply "I am not wasting my time looking through my texts, I have wasted enough time on you already"....errr so that text doesn't exist then does it smart arse? No, didn't think so!!

He never wanted this baby, but his parents have been pressuring him to be involved, so by lying to his family telling them I have told him he is to have no contact they believe him and he is off the hook as his family would never speak to me to see if this is the truth!

I have been so stressed out about him not paying a penny then rocking up when LO is here demanding access (I would not stop him, but he has to pay for half of everything I have bought for LO before he steps in the front door). His family have £££ so I am so scared he will take me to court and win! I got so worked up I was so stressed and crying all the time!

My mum and stepdad told me even if he wants to see the baby he will have to see LO on my terms and cannot rock up and take LO away for the day etc as 1. he is not responsible enough and 2. LO won't know who he is as he will be living abroad now for the next 4 yrs and be back maybe twice a year if that so would be too stressful for LO going off with a stranger....thinking about it they are right and I plan to breastfeed for as long as possible so he wouldn't be able to take LO off far anyway.

His friends all drink, smoke and fight and he does that too when he is with them so he will never be spending time with LO around them - in court the fact he got banned for drink driving just shows how he can't not get off his face!

It's so stressful!! I can't even really enjoy my pregnancy for the worry!

Listen to the ladies above - they're right. Stop contacting him. Let him come to you now. That's what I have had to do because texting FOB and not getting a reply or calling him and him not picking up was stressing me out too much, honestly it's the best thing. I have done all I physically can to get him to be involved but he is just nasty and vile and causes me more stress than he's actually worth! Shut him out of your head and heart and concentrate on LO - face this hurdle when you get to it, if you get to it xx