what TOO say/do after someone you know suffers a m/c or loss

[Uvlollypop]

i just read through the what NOT to say thread and it brought back some awful memory's for me but along with those came some good ones.
people dont know what to say when a baby dies.

weather it be m/c missed/mc stillborn or otherwise its heart breaking and no matter what stage of the pregnancy/infancy they all are just as important and special little lifes to remember.

my skye was lost later on in pregnancy and i found that having someone to help/sit with me when i was ready to clear away her things helped the healing process.

people cooking meals and bringing them over then leaving me alone was a huge help -you dont think about eating and dont want a conversation

im sorry for your loss and its for the best because something may have been wrong with the baby are NOT kind words they haunt you as written on the other thread if you dont know what to say, say nothing actions speak louder than words- a cuddle a card giving space not pressuring normality speak volumes

people not invading your space- you need time to cry kick and scream to your hearts content

i had a friend who insisted on coming over to do the washing up...and general house work- again like eating something that wasnt thought about.

if you have had or know someone who is going through a m/c dont be expected/expect them to make big decisions/be 'normal' right away or even months after...it takes such a long time to heal mentally

i hope me starting this thread hasnt caused any upset and that someone finds it useful...and that other people can add to it


xxxxx

 

[cheeselover]

My best friend came over with a bottle of wine and a big box of chocloates. She didn't pretend to know what it was like, she just let me talk and cry. I told her beforehand I was quite irrational and she said 'bring it on' and 'she wasn't easily scared'. We got a bit tiddly and she encouraged me to keep on talking until I had gotten everything off my chest.

 

[Uvlollypop]

it sounds like you have a lovely understanding friend

 

[MimiUK]

my best friend turned up at the hospital whilst i was waiting for my surgery with every trashy magazine published in Feb/March and some really good books. She really helped take my mind of things with some great gossip on our chums.

 

[MimiUK]

oh.... and the best thing anyone said to me was from my amazing DP.
(our pregnancy wasn't planned)

when i was lying in the hospital bed he said to me "as soon as you are ready and better we can try for another baby if i wanted" and that he loved me very much.

This gave me such hope for our future, and that even though this baby would not be with us physically, she has brought us the biggest gift of love for each other making us realise that we will be great parents together.

in such a time of saddness this was the most wonderfull feeling of love from someone i have ever felt.

 

[Omi]

oh.... and the best thing anyone said to me was from my amazing DP.
(our pregnancy wasn't planned)

when i was lying in the hospital bed he said to me "as soon as you are ready and better we can try for another baby if i wanted" and that he loved me very much.

This gave me such hope for our future, and that even though this baby would not be with us physically, she has brought us the biggest gift of love for each other making us realise that we will be great parents together.

in such a time of saddness this was the most wonderfull feeling of love from someone i have ever felt.

I have to agree with this one... my fiancee was the same and i just felt like there was a future and that i was loved and taken care of. That meant loads as altho my parther isnt squeemish, i was a bit worried that all the goryness and pain of it all might scare him- ( its not everyday you see your girlfriend like that) But it cemented all my belief in him, and us and it HAS brought us closer than ever

I too, had a friend who came over w/things i cudnt have when preggers like wino and blue cheese.. also trashy mags and chocolate. But just knowing i had a few people who encouraged me to be me in the midst of what was a devastating experience, i think helped me getting back.

I wouldnt knock this site either.. i was lucky in that the friend that came over knew exactly what i was going though as she mc a month earlier..but i have still valued this site and all the kind words and advice from all the woman on here more than anything! THANKS!!

And thanks to Molly for such a great thread!! xxx

 

[MimiUK]

Ditto!!

here here for B&B

 

[Nic-Flowers]

After we lost our little boy my family came and cooked and cleaned for us, so we could focus on getting through things with no added stress on our relationship at the very sad time.

It was the kindest thing they could have done... I still get sad but it was nice knowing that they helped me so so much.

 

[Uvlollypop]

its nice to see that in a weird way there are some positives....

i aggree things like this happinging bring people closer.

 

[Gabi]

It's definately the actions that mean more to me than the words. When I went through mine I wasn't in the mood for everyone giving their 2cents worth.
I spoke alot to my husband but everyone else I shut off from until a good few weeks later.

My mom came and gave me a manicure the day after my D&C. Which I thought was nice since it was a bit of pampering and made my nails look better, thus making me feel better about myself.
If I started crying in the bedroom or bathroom my husband would leave me to it. He only comforted me when I cried near him. It may sound cold but actually being left to mourn by myself was what I really needed. I hated being smothered constantly.

The people who would chat to me about anything and everything other than my loss were the best! I made a really good friend shortly after the m/c. Not once was it brought up. My time around them has been one filled with constant laughter. For that I'll be eternally greatful to this friend.

 

[Sarah88]

I have never had a m/c but I just wanted to say what a great thread this is. You guys have wonderful families/ friends and partners, which I'm sure you are eternally grateful for.
I know when we thought I had a m/c, my cousin(worried-mum) just sat there and listened and comforted me. She had lost her baby a little under a year beforehand, she died after being in hospital for 3 months. She never once compared it to her pain or anything. I said to her at one stage that I couldn't imagine how much pain she had been in losing her when I felt horrible enough after only 8wks pregnant.
Some people are just made to be our saviours and friends during hard times. These people are the people we thank god about every day.
God bless you ladies for withstanding all that pain and still handling everything.