What would you do?

[LynAnne]

I'm just looking for your thoughts because, honestly, I can see the pros and cons of the following scenario.

My OH and I have been engaged for 20 months on the 1st of March. We haven't been able to particularly save for the wedding that we really wanted - nothing very big with maybe a maximum of 50 during the day, 80 at night. I wanted to get married this year but still we have no date. Frankly, my OH avoids talking about the subject because he knows how frustrated it makes me that we still haven't got anything sorted.

Anyway, I really want to get married to him and, whilst I'd love to have a fancy wedding day, the whole reason I want to marry him isn't for one day but so that we can spend the rest of our lives together and I can call him my husband. It's so much money to spend on everyone else when, really, I'm not sure i want to save to spend thousands of pounds. This got me thinking that maybe we should skip the whole wedding day thing and just go to a registry office to get married. I know that we'd both want our parents and sisters there (with their husbands and our one nephew). With just them that would be 16 people including me and OH! I thought with the small amount of money that we have saved we could cover the cost of the registry office, rings (maybe a new dress?) and even pay for a meal (or most of it).

The only thing is I think that this might upset a few people and I don't want drama. I hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs! OH has quite a large extended family whereas my extended family is somewhat limited. I know that not only would some of them be upset themselves I worry that his mum, in particular, would be upset and annoyed if they weren't included. Also, our respective two best friends since school and college wouldn't be invited and yes, this would be a bit sad. Also, the only thing I have for my wedding is my dream wedding dress and I would be a little heartbroken not to wear it. If it was just us and our family I would feel a bit silly for wearing a big proper dress for something so low key. Although, to be fair this isn't a deal breaker, just an upsetting extra thing!

I feel as though its a case of get married this year with just our immediate family or wait 3-5 MORE years to do a big proper wedding with cars, cake, reception etc. I'm not one for being centre of attention at the best of times so even if we did go for a "big" wedding it'd still be pretty small by other people's standards. I suppose at some time in the future we could do a vow renewal/party. I feel like it will put our whole life on hold if we keep saving for years. If we are saving for our wedding, we wont be able to start the family I so desperately want. What would you do if you were in my situation?

Anyway, thanks for reading.

 

[lozzy21]

If you just go to the registry office with your parents and siblings in 10 years time will you think it was a nice day or will you wish you had done it differently?


You dont have to do all or nothing. If you plan it right you can have a lovely day with out making too many sacrifices for not that much.

A registry office will charge the same for 17 people as they will for 50, so you could still have your friends and extended family there. Get married later on in the day, around 4pm and instead of paying for a meal you could hire a function room, a DJ and rope your family into helping you do a buffet. That way you still get to wear a nice dress but not spend a fortune.

At my daughters christening we fed 80 people a nice buffet that cost us £250, my two aunts made it. It could have been done cheaper too. The room was £70 and the DJ was £120 and it would have been suitable for a wedding with some decoration.

 

[emyandpotato]

It sounds to me that you would be happy to do a simple registry office, and your only qualms are what others would think, so I'd say definitely keep it simple and cheap and get married now! People will understand, and if they don't, so what?! It's YOUR day.

 

[Mummy May]

Rule number 1 - don't worry about upsetting other people, someone is always going to be upset at something you do, and thats their problem, its your wedding!! You could always have your little wedding and meal then throw a big party for everyone at night (in a legion or something?) and wear your special dress there?
Or do like what Lozzy said! I'm having a small wedding (50 in the day and 70 at night) and although weve spent very little (we wanted a budget wedding), we haven't missed out on anything we want... but its still cost a couple of grand. xx

 

[LynAnne]

After reading your replies, I put some real research into other ways to get married. I thought of a small registry office wedding that holds 40 people later in the day, hire the town hall, have a buffet and get a DJ. Still, I find that amounting to about £3k. We have only saved about a third of that and it is only going to get harder over the next wee while to save. That's with us skipping evening buffet, a photographer, cars and a honeymoon. So we are looking at at least 2/3 years to save that. There was an offering of money for our wedding some time ago but it has not been mentioned for a long time and I would Feel rude and cheeky even asking about it nicely. I've gone into it all in much more detail in my WTT journal if you are interested.

Anyway, whilst I feel that for the most part I'd be happy with the small day -What does it really matter? I'd get to marry the man of my dreams! - I get the feeling that it would upset my OH. He has a habit of going along with what I want rather than what he, or we collectively, want and not saying anything until its too late! I'd hate for him to feel upset/annoyed because I wanted to get married just with parents and sisters there. I know I shouldn't worry about what others think but, as I'm sure you'll agree, what he thinks matters a great deal! Ugh, so frustrating.

On the plus side all this thinking about weddings has made me set up a tumblr where I can finally put pics of what I want together so that's nice!

Thank you so much for giving me your opinions and stuff to think about, ladies!

 

[Mummy May]

Yeah my OH would go along with what he thinks I want too, bless them aren't they soft That said I've forced all things wedding on my OH so that he does actually pick things he likes/wants - and the 2 things he's wanted so far, he's got (they were 2 of the most expensive hahahaha)

How about maybe a garden party instead of hiring somewhere?! Get your cd player out - iceland do fab party food and get people to bring a bottle xx

 

[lozzy21]

We have not got anything saved at all, the joys of weddings is that people take a deposit and you dont need to pay the rest off untill a month before.

You need to sit down with your OH and work out what you have spare each month, if you had said to me that i could find 5k to pay off a wedding in the next year to get lost but when we sat down and worked out what we actualy needed to live on we have worked out we can put £400-500 a month towards it.

 

[LynAnne]

Mummy May- Unfortunately, a garden party isn't really possible. Plus living in Scotland I could never be guaranteed of any kind of good weather!

Lozzy- We aren't all that well off financially at the moment to be saving all that much. Most of our monthly left overs get put towards OH's car insurance and tax disc which gets paid in the summer so we don't have much left over. When it comes to his money though, sometimes I have no idea where it goes! On paper he should always have more than he does. I shouldn't complain though. I'm unemployed just now so can't "save" any of my own!

 

[lozzy21]

Mummy May- Unfortunately, a garden party isn't really possible. Plus living in Scotland I could never be guaranteed of any kind of good weather!

Lozzy- We aren't all that well off financially at the moment to be saving all that much. Most of our monthly left overs get put towards OH's car insurance and tax disc which gets paid in the summer so we don't have much left over. When it comes to his money though, sometimes I have no idea where it goes! On paper he should always have more than he does. I shouldn't complain though. I'm unemployed just now so can't "save" any of my own!

We dont earn a fantastic amount with me working part time but if you sit him down and work out exactly what he earns, what your bills come to, how much you need to eat you might be surprised what you have left over.

 

[bunnyg82]

Hi, just thought I'd add my 2p worth! My husband and I got married 11 years ago. We were 19 at the time, had no money and working out who to invite was a nightmare due to family issues. In the end we had a registry office wedding, with just our parents there. I think our wedding cost about £500 total (if that). I bought my wedding dress in the sale and hubby hired his suit, after the wedding we went to a local pub for a meal and we stayed 2 nights at a nice local bnb for our honeymoon. Although I look back and wish I had our siblings there, there's no regrets. 11 years on, we have the same result as if we had a big do - we're married! We felt in the end that we were getting married for the marriage and not the wedding - if that makes sense and it was a very special day.

We also decided that at one of our "milestones" when we were older and more financially comfortable, we could have a blessing/renewal of vows and invite everyone!

It is a decision that I am so glad I made as my dad sadly passed away 6 months later and if we'd waited, he wouldn't have been there.

Xx

 

[LynAnne]

We dont earn a fantastic amount with me working part time but if you sit him down and work out exactly what he earns, what your bills come to, how much you need to eat you might be surprised what you have left over.

I think I might just do this at the weekend. I know once bills are paid a lot goes on petrol which is pretty unavoidable! Prices are crazy. We don't spend an awful lot on food (we don't do takeaways and buy only what we need) but I'm sure we old save a few pound here and there switching to different brands or whatever. Thanks for the suggestion!

 

[LynAnne]

Hi, just thought I'd add my 2p worth! My husband and I got married 11 years ago. We were 19 at the time, had no money and working out who to invite was a nightmare due to family issues. In the end we had a registry office wedding, with just our parents there. I think our wedding cost about £500 total (if that). I bought my wedding dress in the sale and hubby hired his suit, after the wedding we went to a local pub for a meal and we stayed 2 nights at a nice local bnb for our honeymoon. Although I look back and wish I had our siblings there, there's no regrets. 11 years on, we have the same result as if we had a big do - we're married! We felt in the end that we were getting married for the marriage and not the wedding - if that makes sense and it was a very special day.

We also decided that at one of our "milestones" when we were older and more financially comfortable, we could have a blessing/renewal of vows and invite everyone!

It is a decision that I am so glad I made as my dad sadly passed away 6 months later and if we'd waited, he wouldn't have been there.

Xx

I know exactly what you mean by this. This is how I feel. I do worry what family members would say if they weren't invited though. I don't want to upset anyone, like aunts and uncles, grandparents etc. Plus, I'm starting to think that my OH actually wants a bit of a deal made of it and for us to have a "proper wedding". I think he'd feel like a man if he could provide something special for me iykwim.

 

[lozzy21]

When we sat and worked it out we realised we could spend £30 a week on going for coffee after work and on our days off, £15 on pop and £7 on magazines.

 

[LynAnne]

Gutted. Just found out that there has to be 100 guests for the town hall which obviously won't work as the registry office only holds 40. Back to square one!

 

[Mummy May]

Couldn't you just have close relatives at the registry office, then invite the rest to your party?! xx

 

[LynAnne]

"We do not charge for the Council Bar but i must state that you must have 100 people at your event and the bar must bring in £450 on the night, if not you would be expected to make up any shortfall. "

That's what the bit in the email to me says. Now I read that as we needed 100 people at the whole thing, not just for the proper evening reception. D you think that this is what is meant or just that i must have 100 guests at some point ie. the evening reception/party? 100 might even be a push then, if I'm honest! Although OH does have a lot of extended family...

 

[aly888]

First of all, do not worry about what people think.

If you want to do it on the cheap, why don't you rent a BnB on the coast or somewhere beautiful for a couple of nights, have a registry office ceremony and go for a meal afterwards at a nice restaurant. Just you, OH, parents and sisters! Ask your family to contribute to the meal as their wedding gifts to you, and the break away will feel like a "mini-moon". You've already got your dress. The only additional costs would be his suit (does he already own a suit?), your flowers, the accommodation and the meal. Of you've already got £1k saved (or near to) then you can very VERY easily do that with that budget.

As for extended family, don't tell them you're gettin married loads of couples get married without everyone there (we are saying our vows in front of just our parents!!). It's not unusual, and I'm my experience if anyone is going to have a problem with that then they will more than likely have a problem with whatever you do x