What would you have done differently?

[tasha41]

Hi all,

I am currently facing the very real (and scary) possibility that I may have to become a single mother. I don't want it to be that way, I'd love to be with her dad and be happy with him, and have a great partner in him, and get married and have another baby, etc.

Unfortunately, we are nearing our 5th anniversary and I feel like maybe 3 years ago we talked way more about weddings and babies. I stopped talking about weddings because he felt like I was putting pressure on him to get married; and I am not willing to entertain the idea of having any more kids until we are married, not that he talked about it constantly ever, but he's pretty much dropped it.

I started working full-time last April (only about 15-20 more hours than I had been working at the time). When I was part-time, cooking, cleaning, laundry were all things I felt I was able to balance on my own, though I hated OH's attitude about him working more/paying more so I should 'do more', it makes sense in a way. I think he failed to appreciate (and continues to overlook) the fact that my wages are the reason he can afford to smoke cigarettes or go out and do whatever, because I cover groceries, all the expenses related to our daughter (clothing, gifts, medicines, etc), and anything I personally require like shampoo or my school courses and books. I also make half what he does per hour. I don't think our financial arrangement is unfair, but I think his attitude stinks.

OH owns the house, and has allowed his friend to move into our basement. It's been about 4 months and our relationship is in serious crisis, mainly because having someone constantly there makes it difficult for any intimate moments, to carry on with regular family life & household activities (causing me to constantly feel frustrated), and we just aren't on the same page about it. I never wanted it to happen in the first place, now OH won't speak to him about leaving, and I've asked him to countless times, and he's agreed to speak to him sooooo many times before.

Also, we are moving into different interests. His are not interesting to me and I am frankly annoyed a lot of the time when he is bugging me to sit down and watch whatever YouTube video with him, totally oblivious to the fact I've been cooking, cleaning, tending to our daughter all day and he's just come home and plunked himself down on the couch, while I try to juggle dinner with our 3 year old and getting ready to go in to a 6 to 8 hour work night!

So, what would you do differently if you could go back.. I feel like speaking to him is like trying to talk to a brick wall.. it gets me absolutely nowhere except maybe getting called a nag or a bitch, or him just saying what I want to hear to end the conversation and get it over with.

I am staying at my mom's for a few days while he gets our furnace repaired and I've been here for like 3 hours, but I feel 100x better already, so much more relaxed and you know?

 

[dustbunny]

Sometimes people do grow apart and if you do end up splitting up it doesn't have to be in a nasty way, there is always the possibility of staying friends. I have been in a few relationships were over time they have fizzled and I have ended up seeing them as a friend rather than a partner. My main rule of thumb is if you are happier when you are not with them and begin to worry about them coming to see you or can think of excuses to put it off... tis the end of the road. I've been in too many relationships were I have tried to plaster over cracks for everything to fall down anyway.

With regards to my situation now I would not have done anything differently. At first I regretted breaking up with FOB but I wanted to see if he could man up and face up to reality and in breaking up with him he showed me this is not possible. I have given him so much rope I can't weave it fast enough, not only has he hung himself but he's tied himself in knots too!!

The best thing to do is talk to him about how you feel because the situation can't continue. You'll end up resenting him and everything about him and things will turn sour fast.

Hope you can sort something out, whatever the outcome may be. As for being on my own, I love it.

 

[LTEx]

I think that says it all that you've only been at your mums a matter of hours & you feel better. Does the LO pick up on the atmosphere between yyou both? I believe people should never stay together just for the sake of a child, as it can sometimes be more damaging for them as they pick up on absolutelyy everything, even when you think they cant hear.

I'm afraid i'm not much help as i've been a single parent since i found out i was pregnant, & i ended it as neither of us were happy together & didn't want to bring a baby into a family full of arguments. Then again me & my ex didnt have a house together, werent together 5 years so it's no douubt alot harder for you

 

[LTEx]

Edit: double post

 

[feeble]

I'm not a single mama but i just wanted to say;

I think you sound really reasonable, together and collected and i think your OH is a fool for not realising what he has got x

I DO think your financial arrangement is unfair, you should both contribute to things for your daughter!

It sounds like you do triple the work he does and he is stuck in some patriachal mentality where he believes that what 'he' does is more because its out of the home! You work all day and THEN go out and work at night, you sound like superwoman to me!

It sounds like you really want to give things another shot, but i would suggest you stay at your mothers, for a good few weeks, explain (in a letter) that you have found life much less stressful since moving out and why, give him some choices, like the lodger goes or you dont come back, like he contributes a bit and takes notice of what you do around the house...

If hes not prepared to do that then i would actually call it a day... I think the shared interest thing is important but could be worked on... you guys could find things to do but its about mutual respect and I think thats whats missing

You definitely shouldnt have to share your home if you dont want to x

 

[CupboardLove]

Hey...

Over christmas my partner and I decided to separate for a while, to see if we were happier apart - and I am so much more relaxed and settle and happy with my little one.

My OH thought he was doing all the work around the house but to be honest, I feel like I'm doing less around the house since he's been gone and yet the house is tidier, food is always done on time , etc.

With regards to the communication issue, we had exactly this problem and the reality is, you can't make someone communicate with you.

I would have done nothing different.

I am really happy at home, although I loved him, I wasn't enjoying the relationship when we were at home together because we weren't on the same page. at all.

Good luck, I hope you get happy, whatever happens