What would you have liked? What would you do?

[Torz]

Hi, I'm after some opinions/advise I thought it best here as you have all had your babies & been through the labour process.

It may be a little long & im sorry for that.

I met my friend 3 & 1/2 years ago about 6 months after we both had our second sons. We both have two boys each at the same age & in the same school year. We have become extremely close over time, our kids are very close & we have confided in each other with troubling issues over the last year or so.

We both feel pregnant at the beginning of this year & we have supported each other through this pregnancy best we can with the troubles we have had along the way. My friend has had quite troublesome labours in the past, she has big babies that are difficult to come out. She had a 4th degree tear with her first birth, an episiotomy with her second & both boys have had to have the ventouse to be delivered.

She told me how she silently suffered with PPD after her second son was born. It was quite a traumatic labour, she didn't get to hold him as soon as he was born & she struggled to bond initially.

She was really hoping that this labour would be more of a healing labour.

She had baby on Saturday after being induced & after talking to her husband in the school play ground this morning it was much more of a traumatic birth than the last two put together. She had to be cut again, ventouse again, the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck, arm & leg & it took them 2 minutes to revive the baby. There was 11 professionals in the room with her at the time & it's obviously not been the healing birth she was hoping.

Now baby has bad jaundice & may have to go back to hospital after being discharged yesterday. She is having to inject herself to prevent DVT (unsure why, you know what it's like getting stuff out of men), & she has to have reconstructive surgery down there as she has a prolapse too.

I've not been & seen her yet, I want to give her plenty of time to recover & I've asked her hubby to get her to message me when she is feeling up to visitors.

Firstly, I've bought some clothes for the baby but I really want to get her something too but what? I don't just want run of the mill flowers, chocolate etc. I know i can't take away the experience she has just had but I want to be able to get her something that's going to give her some pleasure. Maybe something with meaning. What would you have liked to have received after birth?

I know it's going to be a case of supporting her best I can. I'd hate for her to have PPD again & not tell anyone. I know I can't stop her having PPD but I'm hoping that if she does that she will tell me how she is feeling & not suffer alone this time. How can I let her know I'm there for her without being in her face? What's the best thing for me to do?

I've never been in this situation before & I know know if it's the pregnancy hormones making me worse but I don't want to over step the line with her & push her away/her not open up to me.

 

[LoveCakes]

Poor woman she has been through so much!

I'm not sure about the PPD as I've no experience of it but what about a voucher to get her nails done or a massage and for you to watch at least her 2 older kids. Or nice bath stuff for when she gets 5 min to herself. What she'll probably need most is just a friend to listen, sounds like you'll be there for her X

 

[Aliop]

I've lived through PPD and PTSD following my third child's birth.

In the fog that I was in I would've probably most liked someone to ease my day to day burdens; childcare, cooking, cleaning, washing, snacks. I just wanted to crawl in a cave and disappear, thinking of dealing with all the other needs was hugely taxing so I'd go with the basics. Perhaps even home delivery food vouchers or something.

Just being there and showing you care and can listen will be huge. You're a great friend for thinking of her

 

[jessmke]

Instead of giving her something could you do something for her instead? Maybe take her two older kids to the park in the afternoons with your children so she can get some extra rest (if you don't work), and when you go to pick the kids up do a small task at her house like loading the dishwasher or putting a load of washing on. I personally wouldn't want someone to stick around for hours cleaning my house, but there are a lot of quick little 10 min jobs that you can do that would be a big help to her. I've never been in her situation, but I can imagine that the best gift you can give her is a bit of extra rest and ease a bit of her responsibilities around the house. You sound like a very caring and loving friend, she is lucky to have you!

 

[MindUtopia]

I think let her know you're thinking about her, send around the things you have with a card and something nice for her too (a nice natural hand cream or foot balm or some natural bath soaks as warm baths will really help her with healing, just nothing too strong or artificial smelling). I'd also ask her partner if you are able to see if you could drop off a meal for them one day. I think those sorts of things are nice. And then just give her time to be in touch about when she's ready to have visitors. Ultimately, her husband should be the one who is keeping on top of her wellbeing and making sure she is getting any mental health care she needs, but I think gently letting her know you're thinking about her and ready to come keep her company when she feels up for it is nice too, along with sending over a few nice things for them. When she is ready for visitors, I agree with the suggestions to come over and clean up the kitchen or take her other kids out for the day to give her a break. Or hold the baby while she has a bath.

 

[Spudtastic]

Maybe Constance Halls book Like A Queen. I haven't read it but I follow her Facebook page. She''s an open, candid and funny writer about mummyhood etc. It could be worth checking out her fb page to see if your friend would like her style.

 

[Spudtastic]

Plus when I'm having a rough time I just want a friend to come round with cake and stick the kettle on. So that, with the book, and maybe some freezer meals would be great.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I have ptsd and have had pnd. What would helped me would be maybe a handwritten note saying I am here for you. It would mean I wouldnt have to have the awkward convo but would know you were there. Also things like park help, cooking etc all help but mentally a little card...cake and maybe a lil treat for mum xx

 

[PitaKat]

Maybe you could take the older kids for a bit so she can time alone with the new baby, or if she's the type that likes to get out and do things then maybe a gift certificate to a mani/pedi or massage (and an offer to watch the kids while she's out).

 

[LoraLoo]

I can't add to everyone else's suggestions, but just wanted to say what a kind, thoughtful friend you are x

 

[JumpingIn]

What a lovely friend you are!

I second doing something practical for her. Take her food that can be microwaved, offer to take her older kids do she can bond with baby. All new mums need those things and her experience just makes that need even greater. I do feel for her, I have had a very traumatic birth and I wouldn't wish that trauma on anybody.

Big hugs to you for being so thoughtful

 

[Torz]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I bought her some flowers & chocolates anyway as I knew she would appreciate them.

I've offered to have the older children for her & just offered as much support as possible. I know it's really her husbands job to support her but I know they have been struggling financially & he is a lorry driver who works on agency so he's not had much paternity leave. He's had less than a week & gone back to work.

I see her pretty much twice a day now our kids are at school together & we talk quite a bit in a morning & she has been down to for coffee & lunch.

I've offered to come & clean while she rests but she won't have any of it, I know she can bit a bit ocd about that so I'm not pushing it but I'm making sure the offer is still there. Baby is still very sleepy during the day so she's trying to rest as much as possible & she is still in quite a bit of pain.

When we have talked she has said to me that she feels really good so far & hasn't felt like she did after her last birth. I'm thinking maybe best thing I can do is to just keep talking & keep offering help with the older kids.

 

[themisfit]

I'm struggling with PPD and some PPA. Thinking back to the first postpartum weeks, all I really wanted was someone to help. Whether it was to cook a meal, or do the dishes... that's all I really wanted. It's a thought.