What's your partner's views on birth???

[chuck]

I had a good old chat with the health visitor today and she's right there's nothing I can do to make him change thats just him - goal orientated the journey is not important the destination is.

On one hand I want things taken out of my hands - breech baby or something so I have to have an elective but at least this time I can make it a good one and he might come into theatre this time. On the other hand I'm determined to do it right this time and no matter what do it MY way and make it something to remember for the right reasons.

I wish there was someone I could call on to be birth partner- the only person who would want to so it is a guy and he has a kid and a job and I don't think could drop everything to be here for me when I needed them and being a guy I'm not sure hubby would be comfortable with it.

There's a possible house purchase on the horizon and the car needs work and I know I cant save the money even for a trainee doula - not that hubby thinks that is a worthwhile thing even - a bunch of women getting paid ridiculous amounts of money for little training or something along those line, a TENS machine is expensive and a pool out of the question.

Ergh, the way I seem to hit a brick wall at every turn at home makes me feel like giving in going to hospital and having my child dragged form me like last time - and I thought it would be the NHS I would be fighting! So far everyone but the OB and VBAC clinic have been supportive of my HB choice.

 

[luna28]

My partner is not really interested in talking about the birth etc but having said that he is very supportive and trusts me to make the decisions regarding the birth as I'm training to be a mw so he knows I have been taught and researched and seen/facilitated many births. However I do need to have a birth chat with him regarding him advocating for my wishes in labour whether at home or if I need to be transferred.

 

[pinkmonki]

I had a good old chat with the health visitor today and she's right there's nothing I can do to make him change thats just him - goal orientated the journey is not important the destination is.

On one hand I want things taken out of my hands - breech baby or something so I have to have an elective but at least this time I can make it a good one and he might come into theatre this time. On the other hand I'm determined to do it right this time and no matter what do it MY way and make it something to remember for the right reasons.

I wish there was someone I could call on to be birth partner- the only person who would want to so it is a guy and he has a kid and a job and I don't think could drop everything to be here for me when I needed them and being a guy I'm not sure hubby would be comfortable with it.

There's a possible house purchase on the horizon and the car needs work and I know I cant save the money even for a trainee doula - not that hubby thinks that is a worthwhile thing even - a bunch of women getting paid ridiculous amounts of money for little training or something along those line, a TENS machine is expensive and a pool out of the question.

Ergh, the way I seem to hit a brick wall at every turn at home makes me feel like giving in going to hospital and having my child dragged form me like last time - and I thought it would be the NHS I would be fighting! So far everyone but the OB and VBAC clinic have been supportive of my HB choice.

I wish you were due first, I'd come support you in a heartbeat then

Try not to lose faith honey.

 

[chuck]

I'll cope...I have to LOL!

 

[kiwimama]

The words 'I dont understand why you dont all have elective C-sections and be done with it' have left my hubands mouth before.

Oh and when I was saying a few months back before I was pg that I still felt awful about Dewi's delivery he said 'well there miust be something wrong with you'.

Lets just say hubby does not and I dot think he ever will see birth as anything other than a procedure to just get through.

I don't think I'll ever understand how people can think that way.....

When my mum asked me why I wanted a homebirth, I responsed that I don't even remember Ella's birth properly because I was so doped up on the drugs they had given me, she said "I don't know why all women don't just go into the hospital and get an epidural straight off."

 

[kiwimama]

My OH thinks that doctors are a normal part of labour and birth. That interventions are only done for a good reason. He doesn't understand why I want a homebirth. He is supportive, because I'm the one giving birth, and he's a bit worried about what might happen. I asked him what he's afraid of and he said "what if someone goes wrong?" I ask "Like what?" And he said "What if the baby dies?"

 

[PeanutBean]

Well kiwi you know just being born at home means a risk of death!

I can totally see why people think that way though (men and women) because why wouldn't they? It makes sense to assume this is the 'right' way of doing things as everyone does it and doctors all only have our best interests at heart after all. It takes a special kind of cynic to think to look more at the situation I think. Once you start down the path it becomes totally clear that things are not as they should be but I guess challenging our assumptions and trust in medical practice is a hard thing to do.

 

[kiwimama]

Well kiwi you know just being born at home means a risk of death!

I can totally see why people think that way though (men and women) because why wouldn't they? It makes sense to assume this is the 'right' way of doing things as everyone does it and doctors all only have our best interests at heart after all. It takes a special kind of cynic to think to look more at the situation I think. Once you start down the path it becomes totally clear that things are not as they should be but I guess challenging our assumptions and trust in medical practice is a hard thing to do.

Of course it is. For every single other thing we go to the doctor for, they tell you what to do, and (generally) you go and do what they have told you, simply because you don't know any better (unless you have a medical background and then you might be able to question the doctors reasoning.) I figure most women treat their pregnancy and birth the same way, "the doctor knows best, I don't know any better, so I'm just going to do what they say, because surely they are doing what is best for me."

It's only us here in this section that have gone out and found that actually sometimes some doctors don't know what's best and that they don't always do what's best for us and our babies. Of course I don't frown upon the women who don't question their doctors, because before I found this forum, I didn't know ANYTHING of what I know now and my first pregnancy and birth I didn't question a single thing. This is why we need to get the word out, that there are other options rather than the ones given to you by your doctor!

Sorry that was a bit OT from the original post..

 

[PeanutBean]

It's interesting...I've never had any faith in doctors. When I had glandular fever and got a positive test the dr didn't believe the result. When I had a kidney infection the dr decided it was only cystitis and I didn't need the antibiotics. I had another bad experience I can't go into but was treated, at the age of 22 like a stupid irresponsible teenager the result of which left me fat and depressed from medication then I ended up with 2 years of cystitis with no cause (hormonal I think). When my last pregnancy gave me a septic ear piercing for months then grew a healthy lump it was clear the consultant I saw hated piercings, judged me badly and he insisted it was a keloid. It was a cyst and never grew back. He was vile. I self-diagnosed my husband with shingles and the dr didn't believe me and called in another for a second opinion who took one look and said shingles. DH was told Byron had a milk intolerance (which fortunately I knew was crap so took him to a different one the next day) when he was over-producing snot after a bad infection months earlier. My brother had ME for years and was treated abominably. Beyond antibiotics for tonsilitis I find GPs and most other doctors to be useless almost all of the time.

I should find it baffling that others think differently I suppose! For me I think I had unshakeable belief in mws so when they let me down last time that really knocked me.

Sorry, also wildly OT. I'll pretend to rein it in... DH had faith in medicine and being with me for a decade I think had begun to open his eyes to their guess work. Perhaps that's partly why he has embraced this so well.

 

[KandyKinz]

Chuck - If I were closer I would so so so offer to be your free doula! It breaks my heart to hear your situation.

Kiwi - My mom also has a very crazy outlook on childbirth.... She's repeatedly told me that she just doesn't understand why everyone doesn't go out and have elective cesareans. Yet strangely enough she's very anti-doctor, though I think her rationale is much different then my own.

And I honestly wish I could be more accepting of the woman who believe that doctors know best. I really really struggle with that. With my first birth, I didn't question anything. I read the typical 'What To Expect When Your Expecting' books but really failed to really look at the information. I fully believed that all doctors knew what they were doing and that because birth was a normal natural event the doctors would actually treat it as such. It turned out I was wrong!

 

[oread]

My husband is very supportive of what I want to do. I have been reading about childbirth a lot more than he has so he trusts my judgement and agrees that a natural birth is definitely the way to go. I'm glad that he has confidence in my ability to do it and will be firm with any doctors or nurses who offer me pain medication against my will. I do want to talk to him about it to make sure that if I do end up changing my mind for some reason or needing medical intervention that he won't be disappointed in me.

I think I would have to do a bit more convincing if I wanted to do a home birth. Right now thats not an option for me due to our medical coverage I don't really have any choice but going to the military hospital unless I wanted to pay for it myself and thats not going to happen. And since neither one of us really know what to expect and this is my first pregnancy I don't mind being in a medical setting. Although a birthing center would be preferable thats not an option either, but I'm impressed that the labor & delivery/maternity wards at the hospital seem very private at pleasant. When we eventually have our next child I would definitely consider a home birth, though I think it would make my husband a touch nervous, I think I could talk him into it.

 

[sophisticat]

My OH is also one of those people who thinks that doctors know best and any medical intervention is for a reason. He thinks that because I want a home birth that I'm putting the baby at risk and "he only wants the best for the baby" which is fair enough... but what about me? He says if I'm adamant about home birth then we can do it but he doesn't exactly fill me with confidence when he tells me I'll be screaming in pain and asking for an epidural (because that's what his best friend's girlfriend did, and obviously all women are the same!).