when is a good time to tell my son truth about why me and his dad divorced

[weebun]

Just wondering what is best time/age for my son to know the truth why me and his dad divorced. His dad will lie I know it, My son wants to know. I have told him I ended it because I couldn't love his dad any more because he had done too much to hurt me and I couldn't live the life and the situation he had put us in any more. The truth is that he took drugs, he drank too much, wasn't turning up to work, lost a job in the end after we split due to that. Had numerous jobs he could not hold down, landed me in a lot of debt, was having net chats and sex with numerous other women, was having texts of breasts sent to his phone, was harrassing one girl by text, and when the drugs he took and no sleep induced a break down, I had to be told that by this other woman..... even when I gave him a second chance he then went back on the recreational drugs , made a show of himself at my best friends wedding, ended up so drunk one night he turned the gas on nearly killing us, when I found speed one night he attacked me, I had been held by the throat and pinned down by the wrists on numerous occasions. He also sent anonymous texts to a work collegue of mine once really un-nerving her and upsetting me when it all came out embarrasingly at work. He robbed money off me, used to intimidate me and turn nasty and abusive when I didn't hand over money for cannabis.

I don't want my son to know all the gory details but I want his dad to be big enough and man enough to admit why I ended it. because he hurt me and made our lives difficult and unhappy. I couldn't take any more, or his abusive ways or mental abuse. I had no friends hardly, was miserable and un-loved physically and mentally, I was merely playing a part, as helping him portray a happy family but he didn't love or want me, he wanted his cake and to eat it.

I have asked my son to ask his dad to give his dad the opportunity to tell the truth.

I have turned our lives around, I am in a solid family unit, happy and ever growing, I am loved and my son is loved and feels loved.

just want to know if anyone out there has had similar issues xx

all advice would be welcome I don't want to hurt or upset my son, I just want him to have his questions answered so he understands x

 

[lesleyann]

I think at 9 it would be a bit too much however you can give him some details..


You dad was not being a nice person to myself or other people, he tooks things which did not belong to him, cheated and broke the law alot.. That covers everything..

Then if he asks again when older you can go into more detail... He took drugs weed,speed... He stole money and left me in debt... He sext other women and had sex with other women, He harassed a women and when I asked him about the drugs/women/stealing he violently attacked me. Be very factual do not do feelings just facts

 

[Lotiel]

OMG, what a truth to tell a kid. I doubt that any age is the right age to hear that. But I suppose the truth should better be told, we owe that much to our children...
My ex and I divorced when my son was 4, and I told him that dad and I didn't love each other any more, something like that. And I suppose, growing older and seeing his dad's actions (or absense of those), my son will understand what sort of person he is and make his own conclusions.
But I've been told recently that it's psychologically important that children should retain love and respect for both of their divorced parents, then the whole thing is less traumatic in the long run.
But how on earth can we do both: tell the truth and retain love and respect ? (just a rhetorical quiestion)

 

[weebun]

Thanks ladies, I don't want it to come between him and his dad, his dad is no where near as bad as he was, he just went on a self destruct mission from the time my son was 1. I coped with it for 3 years then ended it when my son was 4. He has changed a lot since, still issues but there always will be. I think he will learn the truth in the end about his dad, he already sees things in his dad that he struggles to admit. Its a hard one! Maybe I should just tackle each question as they arise. Go from there. Like when he asked why his dad had to give me money every month. he gets that now. and is fine.

 

[freckleonear]

Honestly I don't think he needs to know. It's between you and his dad, not him. You want him to know for your sake, not his sake. I think just answering questions as they come is a better idea.

 

[weebun]

yes having read your replies and given it some serious thought I think just each question as it arises is best. My son will find out in his own time and when he does I guess I just need to be there as his mum to comfort him if he's upset and be honest and truthful like I always have been in a way he will understand for his age. x

 

[suzib76]

Honestly I don't think he needs to know. It's between you and his dad, not him. You want him to know for your sake, not his sake. I think just answering questions as they come is a better idea.

100% this

 

[ajarvis]

Honestly I don't think he needs to know. It's between you and his dad, not him. You want him to know for your sake, not his sake. I think just answering questions as they come is a better idea.

Agree as well.

 

[RachA]

Personally if you are wanting to tell him the truth then you need to tell him sooner rather than later. You don't need to tell him everything at this point but the basic details. I think that if you leave it and he finds out at a later stage he isn't going to like it.

My sister has recently gone through a breakup. She wanted her ex to tell the girls why he'd left and wasn't coming back (he'd left for another woman who after a couple of months fell pregnant) but he wouldn't tell them - he just said him and my sister weren't happy (a lie). In the end my sister told them the whole truth surrounding it. Prior to knowing the girls were really struggling to come to terms with their dad leaving. Now that they have been told they are starting to deal with it.

I think it will hurt him more to be left not knowing the real reason and then finding it out later in the future. I don't think you need to give him all the gory details but i think he needs to know that he made your life difficult through drinks and drugs etc.

 

[weebun]

aww thank you ladies, x all your comments have helped heaps x very much appreciated x

 

[Milty]

Ok I am not divorced but I do have a boy who is almost 9 and I thought you might consider this.

Why not use this as an opportunity to teach your son on how drugs can change you as a person and make not care about the people you used to love. Maybe give some info like others suggested but not full details if you know what I mean. Then concentrate on what he lost from his bad behavior.

Maybe those how have been divorced can weigh in on this with their thoughts.

 

[weebun]

He has lessons in school on drugs alcohol and sex and birds and bees, it's a new scheme that has been running for a few years and piloted out to schools across the UK, and he has been really grown up about it all, cheeky at times but I have found it a huge help when it comes to answering questions.....and the last subject he touched on before the summer holidays was the drugs and alcohol subject so we have had chats about that and how they affect people and lives and health. but yes I'm going to stick to answering his questions by a way of teaching and I think I need to just concentrate on bringing him up and the rest well, it will fall into place and he will find out his answers in good time, age appropriate answers. x

 

[MollyMalone]

I come from a broken home, and to be honest I don't think your son needs to know all the details. Despite all the hurt his dad caused him, he is still his dad and he is only a kid...its only gonna hurt him and its not gonna make any other significant difference in his life.
On top of that I think he is way too young as well.

If I could travel back in time I would tell my mom that she shouldnt have leaned on me for support when my parents were still together. Knowing about my dad's cheating and lying is unecessary, it didnt benefit me or my sister in any way. I'm about to turn 24 now, happily married and expecting my own baby and I wished I didnt know about it all.

On the other hard though, you've done so well! I have to congratulate you for having the courage of leaving. My mom didnt do it until last year, but by then too much damage had been done not only on herself, but my sister and I as well.