When is it time to give up?

[Perdita]

I lost my baby girl at 34 weeks in november last year. Since then been trying again but nothing, my cycle has gone from 28 days before I was pregnant to anything from 14 days to this cycle which was 45, AF arrived today.
I so tired of it all. I had tried to get pregnant for ten years with my ex-husband and nothing then was shocked when found out I was only to have it end in the worst way. I'm 37 now and don't know how long I can do this for. I know this time has only been 6 months but it was 10 years with nothing. In addition to diabetes it was found at post mortem that the loss was due to a clotting disorder - I suppose it's possible I've been pregnant dozens of times and just never carried long enough to find out.
I just don't know any more. I can't think straight and feel so stressed all the time I'm messing up everything - I can't afford to take time off work but am struggling to get through the day.
I'm sorry ladies, it's just such a tough time and don't know where to turn.

xx

 

[Mamabel]

Hi, I have a girlfriend who is taking a two month break from TTC. Maybe that would be a good idea: take some time away from it all and see what that feels like. Watch...it's when you stop trying that it will happen. I don't think folks realize how extraordinarily stressful TTC is and what an emotional rollercoaster it is! Good luck with your decision, it's not an easy one.

 

[vickyd]

Im sorry hunn for all you are going through...I dont know what to say but maybe the fact that they found the clotting disorder is a good thing. If you start blood thinners now and do the heparin shots during the pregnancy you will probably have good chance of everything going ok...

 

[NatoPMT]

Perdita, Im terribly sorry for the loss of your daughter. Your name means 'lost' doesnt it? Im not surprised you feel that way. I dont want you to give up unless its the right thing to do

Can i ask what medical intervention you have had? have you been tested apart from for the loss of your baby girl? were you tested during the 10 years? As vic says, you can be treated for the clotting disorder, have the drs made this clear to you?

x

 

[Perdita]

They've told me that as soon as I get a positive test to start taking low dose aspirin daily and they'll increase the frequency of testing and if necessary move on to heparin later in pregnancy. The tests when I was with my husband all came back fine so there was no help there. I think a part of it is that I lost faith in the care I received when pregnant with Evie as it didn't matter what I said or what they saw on the scan screen I was told everything was fine and sent on my way - despite the fact my blood pressure was stupidly high and she hadn't grown for 2-3 weeks and at 33 weeks was measuring 30 weeks.
I'm going to see my GP who I do still trust and see what he suggests, I'm just ot sure how much more I can take - even considered asking about tubal ligation because I'm so scared I will get pregnant and even more scared I won't!! It may sound twisted but thought that if the chance is taken away at least something will be over and I can maybe move on.
Sorry if I sound weird and I know I shouldn't be so negative around you all who are trying and hoping so hard - just can't think who else to talk to about this.
xx

 

[vickyd]

You dont sound weird at all, and anytime you need support get on the forum and rant. Loss affects us in different ways and makes us doubt everything that was true in our life.
Just hang in there and dont loose hope!!!
We are here to listen

 

[NatoPMT]

It's hardly surprising youve lost faith in the team that cared for you.

My sister lost her first baby at 26 weeks, to something that should have been spotted much much earlier. Her second and third pregnancies were totally different because everyone knew what they were dealing with - her included - so she got more effective treatment and she had the ability to push when it was necessary as she had the medical history / information to back her concerns up. Sometimes they just dont listen. But should you choose to have a child, you will refuse to take no for an answer, and will get a second opinion if youre not convinced.

Im sure some of the other bumpers know more about this than i do, as i was happy with the treatment i received so dont really have the knowledge to give you proper advice

x

 

[JCIC]

Someone close to me had 5 (yes 5) rounds of IVF, all of which failed. She gave up, adopted a beautiful baby and within 6 months she was pregnant! I honestly believe that mindset has something to do with it. I know myself how hard it is not to think about being pregnant 24/7 but maybe you just need some other 'project' to work on. Not sure if this helps.

 

[NatoPMT]

I do see the value in that JC, but often to get to the stage of relaxing about it, it might mean you have to accept its not happening (when it it still could) and then go through the grieving that acceptance will require - thats a long, hard, and bleak process that i dont think anyone can go through unless they are sure they cant have children. Its just not a simple process to relax, and in your friends case, i bet she went through hell to get to where she is.

I think its possible that mindset has an influence, but you have to be able to control the mindset, and the experiences with losses and TTC can sometimes take away that ability

 

[Jaymes]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[JCIC]

Nato, I've had a mc too so I know all to well of the loss and pain that people go through. I know how difficult it is not to think about it 24/7,I know the empty feeling that you have when you lose your baby,the pain of seeing pregnant people and trying desperatly to be happy for them when all you want is for it to be you, I know the despair at thinking will I ever be lucky enough to fall pregnant again and day after day I know the heaviness that I feel in my heart and the wish that my life was just simple and I had my baby in my arms. I'm fully aware that you can't just 'relax' and thats not what I was saying at all. My point was that sometimes things happen when you least expect it and sometimes the negative energy that we all feel after a loss could be directed into something else and maybe one day dreams will come true.

 

[Mummytofour]

I'm so sorry for the loss of baby Evie. I simply can't imagine what that pain must be like.
I am blessed with four beautiful kids and thank god every day, (when they're sleeping), for them! LOL! So I found it so hard to have a MMC with my fifth when I had never had a problem before.
It has left me questioning whether I should be grateful for my family and move on, so I sort of understand your mindset a little iykwim?
I really hope your GP has offered you counselling and all the support you need in RL as you will need it?
Take care of yourself and take all the time you need to heal.

Btw...wherabouts in Fife are you? I used to stay in Culross!
<<big hugs>>

 

[FBbaby]

I do see the value in that JC, but often to get to the stage of relaxing about it, it might mean you have to accept its not happening (when it it still could) and then go through the grieving that acceptance will require - thats a long, hard, and bleak process that i dont think anyone can go through unless they are sure they cant have children. Its just not a simple process to relax, and in your friends case, i bet she went through hell to get to where she is.

I think its possible that mindset has an influence, but you have to be able to control the mindset, and the experiences with losses and TTC can sometimes take away that ability

I totally agree with this. I am in the same position of considering giving up. My mind is all over the place all the time on that matter. In one hand, I tell myself I am so lucky to be a mum of two already and to have met my wonderful OH with whom I am experiencing for the first time all the wonders of love and a secure relationship. I tell myself that my priority should be not only to be grateful of this, because I am everyday, but to devote myself to enjoying every minute of it.

On the other hand, there is that niggling feeling that I can't accept my OH not becoming a dad because he is such a wonderful person. He is accepting the possibility of it not happening much better than I am, but that's because he doesn't know what it is like to become a parent. When I fell pg, he was so over the moon, I know how much deep inside he really wants it.

Our situation is that we fell pg first month ttc, I had a m/c a couple of weeks later. We thought we would fall pg pretty quickly after that and I devoted my thoughts to ttc to maximise our chances. It didn't happen. 8 months later, we found out that OH SA wasn't good. All in a sudden, we were told that icsi was our only chance. This was such a blow when we'd managed to get pregnant so easily. We decided that since we would have to pay for it, we would wait for the results of a 2nd SA, even though we didn't think it would be any different. The only way to get going at that stage was to psych myself up to starting icsi. At our first appt with the FS, we discovered that OH 2nd SA had much improved. Count and motility fine, only morphology considered low, but noone seemed to agree on the impact of this. In the end, the message was that it would be possible to fall pg naturally. But add to that the complication of my age, 40 in 6 months, the fact that my fsh results were not optimal, nor were the antra follicular count, and we have no idea where it leaves us. Chances of success with IVF no more than 20%, probability of a natural pregnancy, possible, but percentage unknown.

I am so torn apart as to what to think. I wish I could totally forget about ttc, as in really get it out of my system (ie, not knowing where I am in my cycle etc...), but firstly I am not sure I would really be able to get there completely, and secondly, I can't help but think that if it would be better from a relaxing point of view, it can't be good in terms of maximising our chances. We normally bd about twice a week, sometimes more, occasionally less. One sure thing, no bd around ov, especially when SA is not optimal, no bfp!!! and with my age, I just don't have the luxury of time to lose chances.

However, no matter how much I tell myself that having a child is not a requirement to our happiness, how much I remind myself how lucky I am already, how much I try to distract myself from ttc thoughts, it is there all the time, with the 1ww taking over my life. Like many of us, when AF shows, I just want to give it up because the pressure of the 1ww has been too much, but I can't help myself starting all over again, convincing myself that I will NOT symptoms check, NOT count the days, NOT think of what it would be like to get a bfp... and inevitably fail every cycle!

Deep inside, I don't think I will ever be able to totally forget about ttc and therefore be totally relaxed about it, I am naturally too stubborn and a fighter to do so, plus, I am a believer that things happen to those who keep going, but I hope I can learn to find a compromise so that I don't get so affected by the whole thing.

 

[NatoPMT]

Im sorry to hear of your situation FB, i just googled how to take your mind off TTC and how to relax about it, and really, the advice i read was a bit crap i thought - i think the best practical way to reduce the stress surrounding your situation is to talk and communicate. Expressing emotions reduces them. theres a lot of value in 'a problem shared' type thinking

do you have an outlet to get rid of what's in your head? i think, as its such an isolating experience, forums are invaluable - its not often you have friends going through such specific problems as those youre enduring.

i dont know how much the relax and it will happen has an effect, but i think the amount of stress that you and Perdita are feeling is significant. I have worried, i am scared it will never happen, im 39, i fear recurrent mc - i have many many fears and dark moments etc but theres something inside me that keeps saying 'you'll be all right' - so if thats reckless or naive i dont know, but it stops me getting too low about the future.

If you dont have that 'i'll be ok, somehow' then i think whats going on is problematic, i dont know if its prohibitive, but its defo problematic.

i dont think relaxing is the be all and end all, when you hear about people relaxing and it just happening, if theyd been given a 5% chanceof conception for eg, they tried for 3 years - their 3rd year BFP might just have been that 5% coming up for them

worrying about worrying can cause you a ton of stress in itself and can also lead you to blame yourself unnecessarily i think. Pregnancy is a physical, biological function, and although emotions can have an effect on the physical, the egg and sperm meeting is a more important bit. If the sperm doesnt meet the egg, you have 100% chance of BFN, if the sperm meets egg and you are stressed, it might reduce your chances by (for eg) 10%

there's no contest.

 

[FBbaby]

Again, I totally agree with you, it is very difficult to link results with the choices we've made when they were the last resort. I've had experiences like that when something happened after trying something specific, but that could have happened naturally anyway because I tried it after quite some time elasping anyway (thinking of treatment for my boy who suffered from severe colic).

In terms of relaxation etc..., well, I consider that I've been through this already to a lesser extent after our first consultation when we were told natural conception was very unlikely. Even though I didn't give up totally, I was certainly a lot less expectant of a bfp and more focussed on preparing for the possibility of icsi. Still it didn't happen :laugh:

Also, when I was pregnant with my first I went through a lot of stress, especially towards the end. My midwife was horrified and warned me a number of times that the stress levels i was under would bring on early labour. I went with my gut feeling and in the end, my girl came 5 days late a nice 8 pounds happy baby!

I totally agree with you that even though I am keen to believe that stress doesn't help conception, I still think that insuring bd takes place at the right time is more essential. It doesn't have to be totally stressful, OH and I have always enjoyed bding, it's never been a chore. The stress is that he is a busy man, often away for work, so not always certain we will be cuddling in bed at the right time. Saying that, we have always managed it so far! It helps in my case that I am quite regular save a couple of days and can feel ovulation coming, so it's hard to miss!

I would love to be totally oblivious to the whole cycle. Before I met OH, I was single for quite some time so didn't care at all, and there were many occasions when AF totally caught me by surprise. It's hard to imagine now that I wouldn't have noticed the pain in my boobies, the streching sensations in my uterus and that I could have no clue whatsoever of the date of my last AF, but that's how it was! Now I can't imagine a second being that clueless. Amazing how the mind can affect the body!

 

[FBbaby]

I meant to say also that I assimilate my quest for a baby with my partner with my quest to find him! I was single for 4 years, and working full time and with no family help, I didn't have much opportunities to meet single men, so opted like many to try dating website. Other these years, I met a number of men like that, went through the highs and lows, excitment of arranging a date with someone who looked promising to ending up disappointed, or getting throught the date but then things not going any further etc...

After something like 10 dates and many mails from men clearly not for me, I had lost hope of ever meeting my prince charming. I became cynical about the whole thing and tired of the getting excited and as quickly disappointed. I reached the point where I was going to give up with dating sites, however, deep inside, I never lost faith that it would happen one day, somehow, somewhere...and it did. As I was about to cancel my membership, I got a message from my OH. I liked his profile, but not his picture. It became clear we had lots in common and the conversation flew brilliantly, but I was convinced I would be disappointed on our date. I so didn't want to go, it was freezing cold and we were meeting for a walk outside, but I didn't want to be rude. I thought I'd go and just get it over with... and then I saw him standing there and couldn't believe how different to his picture he looked! It was love at first sight. When I drove back home, I thought it was bound to be that he didn't feel the same and I wouldn't hear from him again, but I had a lovely text as soon as I got back and the rest... well, here we are, making a life together and trying to conceive a baby!!

So regardless of the trouble, the low statistics etc..., I know I won't give up trying until my body says it is too late and can't do it any longer but what we call miracles are only the right circumstances finally getting together to make your dream come true.

 

[Perdita]

Mummytofour - I'm in Dalgety Bay, it's not a bad place to live but not so great when you don't drive! Fortunatley I work within walking distance. It's a real dormitory town!
I don't know if any statistics exist about natural conception after attempts at ICSI/IVF but it would be interesting to see! There's always the anecdotes about it happening to a friend but nothing really numbers wise.
It is such a difficult place to be - especially with a loss on a first pregnancy and when there is no confidence in the care you would receive it's even harder to carry on. Because I'm diabetic I would be under consultant care and that is the bit that worries me. I didn't have a midwife I could talk to and no-one to tell me what to expect. I was 33 weeks pregnant and no-one had thought to tell me about ante-natal classes so I was in hospital, being induced and in labour for over 90 hours with no idea what to expect or what to do! The community midwives were great when I got home and I can only hope I get to go onto their books as well as the hospital. One of them told me that if I were to try again and get pregnant given what had happened, whatever I wanted I would get! From them anyway! That did make me feel a bit better and I can only hope I get to hald them to that promise one day!
I think the fear of not getting pregnant outweighs my fears of being pregnant as I know I can get more control this time and not accept the re-assurances if I think they're wrong. I'll be a complete pain in their collective backside but I don't care - I'm there to be looked after and increase my chances of a positive outcome - not to be popular!!
It's a hard road and just hope we all make it and come out with hope and hearts intact!
xxx