When kids make comments or ask questions

[SarahBear]

Hello,

As far as I can tell so far, I'm not the parent of a child with a disability, but I'm thinking about how to respond if my kid asks a question or makes a comment within earshot of a child with a disability. How would you hope a parent would react to her child in the following situations or others that you have faced:

1. A direct "why" question related to a child's disability.
2. Stating "That kid is weird."
3. Saying something along the lines of "I don't like that kid" (Violet will say something about not liking someone if there's something about them that makes her uncomfortable or if she's feeling shy)
4. Drawing attention to a visible disability by telling you to look at whatever it is that is different.
5. Saying something like "that kid is mean." Based on when she's said similar things, I could see her saying something like that if a person had significantly different facial features such as can happen with Craniosynostosis.

Violet hasn't come across too many kids with disabilities (that I can think of or that I know of) or kids that look significantly different, so I don't know how she would react. I think with open discussion about what's different, she'd be fine, but I'd want to do it in a way that felt respectful to the child and parent.

 

[annanouska]

My sons disabilities are not really visible with facial features etc but he does walk a bit odd at times. With mine you would likely notice strange behaviours eg licking or chewing things, OCD about things where they go (causes huge issues over sharing etiquette!), behaviours that may seem "naughty".

I have heard a few children say things like why does he put his hand in his drink (sensory thing he does) and the parents kind of change the subject. Last week a girl said loudly she didn't like him chasing her, he actually wasn't he was running in a group with them with is a huge achievement for him, mum told her not to play with him.

I'd be really pleased to hear a parent just be straight and say some people do things differently to you but that's ok we are all individual or something like that. I'd also have no problem with asking. Questions etc but I know others would really not like that.

 

[Reid]

I had it when my son was in mainstream nursery he's very speech delayed and another boy was talking to him he asked why doesn't he talk...I said it's not something that he's learned yet but maybe you could help teach him by telling him what you're doing or what you like.
I think as above just keep it simple xx

 

[mummy2o]

Hello,

As far as I can tell so far, I'm not the parent of a child with a disability, but I'm thinking about how to respond if my kid asks a question or makes a comment within earshot of a child with a disability. How would you hope a parent would react to her child in the following situations or others that you have faced:

1. A direct "why" question related to a child's disability.
2. Stating "That kid is weird."
3. Saying something along the lines of "I don't like that kid" (Violet will say something about not liking someone if there's something about them that makes her uncomfortable or if she's feeling shy)
4. Drawing attention to a visible disability by telling you to look at whatever it is that is different.
5. Saying something like "that kid is mean." Based on when she's said similar things, I could see her saying something like that if a person had significantly different facial features such as can happen with Craniosynostosis.

Violet hasn't come across too many kids with disabilities (that I can think of or that I know of) or kids that look significantly different, so I don't know how she would react. I think with open discussion about what's different, she'd be fine, but I'd want to do it in a way that felt respectful to the child and parent.

I am really pretty pleased that you want to teach your children that everyone is different, but you should treat them all as equals. This is very rare for people and I'm sure most of it comes from parents being uneducated on the needs of the child.

My child is older at 8 and has autism. He tries so hard to act normal and now as he's grown older its less noticeable whilst playing. However, when he was younger and still does now, prefer to play with younger kids. When he was 5 he followed a toddler around the park, making sure the boy was ok. I think the mother got annoyed and took her kid home, but I thought he was playing really nicely. One day he found a traffic cone in the park and was playing with that, he took it on the slide, managed to climb everywhere with it etc, but was having fun. Plus as kids I'm sure we used our imagination like he was. But the stares he was getting. At that point he was happy in his own world and didn't mind though.

I think from a parents point of view you can do several things. If your daughter wants to, encourage her to play with the child if he looks lonely as most people avoid different child like the plague. Plus she might find out the child is just like she is and have a great time.
Get information from the parent about the child's additional need and then you could probably explain to your daughter why the child is different, but they still have the same feelings as she does.
Most kids who look different are probably already use to the stares, but just politely remind her its rude to do so.

 

[Tor]

I think just explaining that they are not mean etc and that everyone is different and just a general kind of response would be good and if she continued maybe just change the subject maybe? idk.

My son is severely autistic and the other day a boy the same age as him kept looking over as we were eating and asking his dad questions and the dad just kept telling him to "stop staring" he didn't mean it in a bad way and I could tell his dad felt awkward at him keep looking at my son but the staring didn't bother me as kids will stare over anything (a bag they like/different hair etc) it did make me feel sad hearing the dad saying don't stare though.

 

[sequeena]

My son uses a wheelchair out I've often had kids staring and heard them ask their parents why he has a chair - the parents gets embarrassed and shoos them away but I would love someone to day I don't know why don't we ask? Or I don't know but how cool is his chair? Look at the stickers he has on it!

I've had kids ask if he is a baby because he is still in nappies (and when he had his dummy). I've also had kids ask why he can't speak.

The worst one that made me cry was december 2014 at My cousin's 2nd birthday party. Many of the kids were older 5+ years old. They were playing in the hall and Thomas LOVES kids but unfortunately he does not understand social cues and can't vocalise how he feels Or what he wants to do. So Thomas was trying to playing but in doing so he was pulling Or pushing the kids because he wanted them to chase him Or to go to a certain area. The other children said They would tell santa to take his presents because he was being naughty. I intervened whe ever he became too rough I can't explain how My heart broke in that moment and it still makes me cry.

I don't have much advice on how to respond to their questions but please try to be sensitive and encourage them to playing with disabled children whenever possible. It honestly does the child and parents a world of good.

 

[annanouska]

that's horrible sequeena. Should have told them they get a lump,of coal for spreading lies it's hard that kids don't get they are not being naughty.minfind this really hard. Like my expectations of what he can do isn't what another can do but others think oh he's just naughty sometimes when I feel mean I tell them he is brain damaged and thinks differently really bluntly and watch them squirm xxx

 

[PresqueVu]

Aiden has an invisible difference, as it's behaviour/sensory/emotional and we see the stigma of the parents who dub him just 'naughty' and won't interact with me or him and encourage their kid not to.Without that intervention, kids are massively forgiving and lovely.

but I would love someone to day I don't know why don't we ask? Or I don't know but how cool is his chair? Look at the stickers he has on it!

I've been afraid of imposing on people with that, although I've followed the cool stickers route before I have some difficultly with social cues myself, my son's additional needs are in the same spectrum as mine, although they obviously manifest differently. I'm afraid when I don't quite make the right eye contact/say the right thing or Aiden doesn't quite react how people expect (or worst case scenerio a violent meltdown!) that people who have their own challenges would see that as a reaction to them and be hurt. Rather than something we manage ourselves and that relates to everyone...if that makes sense?

I'm sorry to hear about your experience hun.

This is an excellent thread. Thank you all.

 

[SarahBear]

At what age do kids tend to notice when other kids are different? Violet seems too young because we were just at a gathering where a 10 year old kid had autism and Violet didn't seem to think much of it. I wasn't supervising Violet super close, so I didn't see everything that went on, but his mom came up to me later and commented on how patient Violet is with him. She didn't really play with him, but that's largely because the kid didn't want to play with other kids, but apparently she would ask him questions or say hi and wait very patiently for a response. So I guess she was just generally friendly and patient with him even though he wasn't interested in playing with her. A lot of autistic traits in older children are very similar to some very normal toddler behaviors, and I wonder if that's why they don't stand out to her. Perhaps she's not really old enough to realize that certain behaviors are normal at one age and "different" at another. When do kids start to really realize when others are "different?" Is it more in the 4 to 5 range?

 

[sequeena]

My cousin would tell Thomas that his dummy was for babies when she turned 3 but that's it so far. My 6 year old cousin has said a few things but as they're both brought up with Thomas it's not a big deal. I've had mainly 5 and 6 year olds ask why he can't speak or why he has a chair. The santa comments were from a 4/5 year old. You're right at toddlers they don't really notice but I've found they often avoid him as he is so full on.

 

[annanouska]

Thomas and Marcus would love causing chaos together. I'm afraid he's back to licking people again....only mummy and daddy, or the cat....but why do u need to tell him it's dirty and stop?! That's his own grandmother don't even go there !

 

[sequeena]

Do you know what I meant to tell you that Thomas has started licking me

Grqndparents eh.

 

[SoBlessedMama]

Both of our boys wear hearing aids--the oldest is 5, and the baby is almost 9 months. I love it when kids ask Denny what his hearing aids are. He says, "They're my robot ears and they help me hear better. I'm pretty much like a superhero or something." Lol one of his little buddies at church even went and told his mom that HE wanted hearing aids after talking to Denny lol.

I think kids can be very sweet and honest, and for the most part will accept someone even if they are a little (or a lot) different. Behaviors that involve excluding and being mean usually come after seeing it modeled.

What I've been surprised about is how little adults might understand--I've gotten some of the silliest questions.

"So, uh...do I need to like yell when I talk to him?"

"What happens if he gets water in his ears?"

"Does he read lips?"

Lol but each time they've been well-intentioned, and probably just curious. I know being hearing impaired and wearing tiny hearing aids isn't as severe or as noticeable as some disabilities. But, I really appreciate kind straight forwardness, and I think most other parents and kids would as well. : ) Of course some won't, but that's life.