When to stop TTC

[Sarah69]

Hi all

I haven't been on here for a little while. I don't want to sound negative but seriously need to think about whether or now we should carry on TTC.

Been TTC for over 5 years with a mc 4 years ago. We have tried Clomid & Tamoxifen. We have been told we have "unexplained infertility" as all our tests came back fine. We chose not to have fertility treatment such as IVF etc.

I turned 42 in May and my DH was 46 in June. I have been avoiding thinking about it as it makes me feel utterly gutted but I really have to think long and hard about whether we should carry on TTC or if we should set a date to stop and try to move on. My DH says he will support me in which ever decision we make. It just seems so final and I keep thinking, what if we'd tried a little longer? But we aren't getting any younger and it is taking it's toll on me emotionally. I would be devasted knowing we will never have a child but is it worth all this trauma?

So, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated. I'm not asking anyone to make this decision for me, just for some advice.
Thank you

 

[Ruth2307]

Hi Sarah

I'm really sorry you've not been able to get pregnant after all of this time and also that you've had a loss. That is painful beyond words.

This is a tough one. I know you don't want us to say 'it's up to you - only you will know' because you know that already. But I didn't want to just read and run.

I guess there comes a point when you have to accept that perhaps it's not going to happen for you and try and concentrate your energy and focus on other things. I remember posting once before about a site called 'more to life' which looked at exactly the issue you are facing. It made for some interesting and encouraging reading.

You need to weigh up the pressure of TTC and all of the associated trauma when you're unsuccessful vs accepting the possibility of life without natural children.

At 42 though I really don't think that you've reached the end of the TTC road and I'm hoping that you can perhaps adopt the NTNP route so that there is no pressure and therefore no expectations.

I hope what I'm trying to say has come across right because it's such an emotive subject to tackle via the internet.

We're all here for you though if you need to express yourself again.

All the best
xxxx

 

[onmymind17]

Honey i am so sorry that you have had to struggle for that long. I guess you have to follow what is in your heart. My DH and I have decided that if we are not pg a year from now (Julyish 2012) then he is going in to get fixed and we give up and move on, we just dont want to have to keep going with it, since its already been 3 years for us. I am sending you tons of hugs, and prayers that you have the strength and peace to decide what is best for you.

 

[Sarah69]

Hi to both of you

It is such a huge decision to make. I do still have a small amount of hope that we will have a baby but, to be brutally honest I think our chances are slim.

I think we do, like you say, need a deadline so we will have to decide when that is and make it final. We did this about this time last year but I was so upset and couldn't accept I would never be a mother that we carried on. But another year has passed and here we are in the same situation.

I know I need to face this and make a decision - we can't keep trying for ever.
Thank you again.

 

[Macwooly]

Sarah I am so sorry that you have not been blessed with a LO after so long trying and I am so sorry for your lose

I can only tell you what my DH & I have decided which may or may not be of help to you.

DH is 41 and I'm 40 (41 in Dec) and we have agreed not to have fertility treatment such as IVF either and we have agreed to stop TTC when DH turns 45. He will get fixed at that stage. And we will have been trying for nearly 5 years by then also.

It is such a difficult decision to make and DH & I have discussed it many times but we keep coming to the same decision. I know if we are never blessed with LO(s) we will be disappointed but we feel we need a time when we say enough and for us that is it.

I wish you well in your decision and I hope you can find peace and contentment in whatever you decided with regards to TTC

 

[FBbaby]

I am in a similar situation although I've 'only' been ttc for 2 1/2 years. I fell pg first month ttc, nothing since... In our case, besides my age (41 in Nov), OH came back with lowish SA, although still within the normal range. I guess the two together is why it hasn't happened.

We planned IVF when we found out about OH SA, but OH was never overly keen and after a few months of pushing it back, he admitted he wasn't sure about it. I think he would have gone with it if I'd begged, but I wasn't prepared to put all the money in and go through the stress if I couldn't have OH 100% support so decided to move on from it.

Since then, my emotions have been up and down. A few months I feel totally defeated and don't believe it will happen, yet still getting all wround up if I think we are missing on a bd session at the right time, other months I feel motivated again, and start taking vits, counting the days etc... I go from telling myself to just give it up to telling myself that I should never do... The emotional exhaustion that comes with it prompted me to consider putting a stop to it when I turn 41 in November.

Saying that, for the past two months, I have seemed more laidback about it all, letting things come normally, bding only when OH and I are up for it and not being bothered if it's only once during my fertile period. I am not checking signs to see if I ov and all in all, I think this could be quite manageable long term if I can keep the emotions on track!! One thing I am sure about is that I am not, and don't think I would ever be prepared to take actions to make sure a pregnancy is impossible. I still need to feel that a miracle could happen, even if it's against all odds, so I will try to stick to that compromise, not freak out if we don't bd at the right time, or I don't ovulate this month, but not prevent either.

Whatever choice you make, i hope it will bring peace of mind and a renewed sense of freedom and control

 

[sarahincanada]

Hi all

I haven't been on here for a little while. I don't want to sound negative but seriously need to think about whether or now we should carry on TTC.

Been TTC for over 5 years with a mc 4 years ago. We have tried Clomid & Tamoxifen. We have been told we have "unexplained infertility" as all our tests came back fine. We chose not to have fertility treatment such as IVF etc.

I turned 42 in May and my DH was 46 in June. I have been avoiding thinking about it as it makes me feel utterly gutted but I really have to think long and hard about whether we should carry on TTC or if we should set a date to stop and try to move on. My DH says he will support me in which ever decision we make. It just seems so final and I keep thinking, what if we'd tried a little longer? But we aren't getting any younger and it is taking it's toll on me emotionally. I would be devasted knowing we will never have a child but is it worth all this trauma?

So, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated. I'm not asking anyone to make this decision for me, just for some advice.
Thank you

big 5 years is a long time. Im almost a year of very actively trying and 6 months NTNP before that. the thought of someone deciding when to stop makes me very sad and I dont know how I will do that myself. So Im assuming you dont have children at all? I think this is even harder when you dont already have children (no offense intended for those trying for their 2nd, 3rd, 4th..). Perhaps you can ease of slowly but gradually doing less and less, for example if you temp stop temping, or stop ovulation sticks. Just Bd when you want, not within a set timeframe.

may I ask why you chose not to have fertility treatments? Im always interested to know why when I read people saying that. I understand IVF as its a big cost and toll on your body, but not even IUI? Im trying that right now, Im hoping it will be the little boost we need

 

[Sarah69]

Hi FBbaby

You describe very much what I go through each month

BUT I have also decided to lay off the OPK's (I really do know after 5 years when I ovulate!) and the stresses of trying to BD at exactly the right time of day, never mind the right day - it's exhausting, for me and my DH. It is an emotional roller-coaster each month.

I have serious PMT today also which doesn't help...............

I just still have hope as we managed to get pregnant even though it was 4 years ago this month and, of course, I am 4 years older.

It is difficult because you don't think you'll be in this situation, you think that you'll get pregnant. But, as has been proved to me, just because you want something that bad does not mean you'll get it.
xx

 

[Desperado167]

Hi Sarah,am so sorry huni for your loss ,and your story is heart wrenchingly sad,Its something that is so close to my heart and I know myself that I could never make that decision ,I have also been trying for just over five years and have suffered ten losses ,I am 44 and dh is 46 ,he is happy to go along with ttc but I know he would rather stop ,I am lucky that I have been blessed with four beautiful children and I thank god for them everyday ,but I feel my family isn't complete and I do believe in my heart that I will get that beautiful extra sticky bean.I hope and pray that u can be at peace with your decision and find the strength to carry on.you know that we are all here for you wotever decision you make,Good luck ,

 

[Indigo77]

I hope you find peace in whatever you decide....

 

[Garnet]

You know I was just thinking about that. I always thought that I would be finished with the baby making by the time I was 42. I had my last baby when I was 40. After 2 MC and the years seem to creep up on me faster as I TTC. Also after the last MC my body was tired and worn out. My husband and I haven't decided yet but we think at 45 will be the last year. Good luck with your decision.

 

[future_numan]

That is a really tough one..
You will know in your heart when it is time.. (((HUGS)))

 

[pdmcd17]

hon I hear you it is a tough decision and only you and your husband can decide when it is time to stop.

I knew going into ttc my time line and it was for my own reasons and we discussed it before ttc. There are days when af comes i feel im done i cant take the emotional tole it has on both of us, and i change my mind again. I do know each cycle it gets harder

good luck in your decision it is one of the hardest one couples can make

 

[lisap2008]

So very sorry for all your going though.I was sort of in the same situation last year I had turned 41 and after one M/C and TTC sence 2008 we decided to stop TTC , I stopped keeping track of when AF came stopped all supplements and just started focusing on weight loss and going out meeting new friends ,attending events. totally thinking it would never happen , then late october I started feeling really sickly and decided to test and got a BFP totally shocked, so sometimes just because you stop TTC does not mean it will never happen. we ended up with another early M/C but I am hopeful it can happen at my age I will be 42 in September . and we might stop TTC again if I am not pregnant by December but as my DH says even when were not TTC , its like we still are because we normally happen to BD during my fertile time anyway.
Good luck in whatever you chose.

 

[FionaJames24]

I'm glad I stumbled across this thread - It's a really difficult question but one that doesn't mean you won't conceive. I hear lots (and lots and lots..) of people fall pregnant a couple of months after they have stopped trying. It's actually really annoying when people tell me though beacuse I just dont' understand it.
A friend of mine was trying to conceive for 3 years (unexplained) and then said she had had enough of the stress, threw the ovulation sticks and vitamins away and then fell pregnant. It could be coincidence but I hear it too many times.

The only thing I don't understand is how people stop trying - I mean, I will always remember when I am ovulating and it will be natural I think for me to try to 'do the deed' at around the rime. How do people really stop trying..and therefore stop stressing...over it? Surely they must still get optimistic each month?

You could try to 'stop trying' if that makes sense, without doing anythign drastic like you or your OH having an operation to make it physically impossible. You could agree on a date to stop actively trying. Perhaps you may fall naturally after that - I am thinking of doing the same thing. I really want to not get so up and down every month. It's so heart breaking when the witch comes - maybe all the people who tell me to stop trying are on to something..if only they'd tell me how to do it!! xx

 

[FBbaby]

The only thing I don't understand is how people stop trying - I mean, I will always remember when I am ovulating and it will be natural I think for me to try to 'do the deed' at around the rime. How do people really stop trying..and therefore stop stressing...over it? Surely they must still get optimistic each month?

I've been asking this exact same question for many months I too can't imagine not knowing at least approximately when I ovulate or when AF is due. I know it is possible because when I was single and not getting any bding, I often got caught with AF having no clue I was due, not able to remember at all last time she'd come, but that was before ttc and I can't imagine getting back to that unawareness.

One thing I have noticed though is that since I have been relinquishing some control over the whole thing, my ovulation pains have been much less obvious. I assumed it was just a case of a not so strong ovulation, but I am now wondering whether there could be a psychological thing to it... I know from a previous experience that stress can trully induce symptoms that are real, but still stressed-induced.

I'm still struggling a bit with the concept of not trying to initiate bd around ov time because less face it, however much it becomes a miracle to fall pregnant when you've been ttc for many years, it would be one miracle too far to fall pregnant having not have bded at all My partner doesn't have a huge sex drive and in any case is often home late or too tired, so it's become more and more common we only bd once during fertile time. Saying that, I ovulated right in the middle of our last holiday and we were very active that week... still I didn't get pregnant, and that fact seem to have eased the urgency a bit. We've only done it once again this cycle, and that was my OH initiating it. I think this is the right balance for me, reducing the stress associated with regular and times bding, but not making conception ultimately impossible either!

 

[Sarah69]

I agree re the "not trying" as I am so tuned in to when I ovulate and when AF is due that I can't just "forget" when it's fertile time! And if you don't BD around that time you're not going to get preggers.

It is just so frustrating that some people seem to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat and others like me have to go through such stress and an emotional roller-coaster each month.

It isn't fair, but life isn't fair is it? I don't blame anyone, it's just the way it is. I'm on CD27 today and daren't test so I will wait it out and see what happens................

Good luck to you all and keep in touch

 

[babyforus]

Im so sorry your having a rough time. I can't imagine yet what you must be going through. My husband and I have just started ttc and I am 39. Will be forty in about 6 weeks. I bought an ov monitor and fertilaid right off the bat because I knew age was probably catching up with me but until I started reading I really didn't realize how much. I don't feel old so I am not sure how this has happened, lol. I just hope that things will work out for you in the best way possible! Maybe do some deep breathing when you get stressed. I honestly don't have many answers just want to encourage you! Good Luck!

 

[Wallie]

Personally if you are "unexplained" and everything seems to be in working order I would start to think is there a lifestyle problem? I mean could it be your health that's holding you back? I've read the Zita West books and she has a website and her clinic is very into getting back to basics, health, fitness, etc, etc. Maybe you could have one last look at the likes of that and then if you've not fallen pregnant by a certain timescale, then what will be will be.

Here's some dust for you though, good luck

 

[Spoomie]

What a wonderful and honest thread. It is a question/fear that grows in my head ever month and it is really helpful to read al your comments. I'm sure it is a concern for almost everyone on the over 35s board, so well done for raising such a difficult subject. I am so sorry for your loss and can't imagine the strain of ttc for all this time. I had a mc at 12+2 last November. We had tried for about 6 moths to get pregnant (trying for our second child with 2 mc before he was born - I'm clearly not very talented in this area!) and the month it happened I promise that I had begun to think, OK, so maybe this won't pan out as I would've liked, and there will be no sibling coming along. I was 42 at the time and our little boy was born in 2008 when I was 40. I have to confess that since the mc I have been increasingly obsessed with ttc again and it hasn't happened, I am now 43.

I also fear that this is a one way road and have wondered, how do we NOT use the CBFM, note CM, ovulation pain, symptom spot during 2ww etc etc. I'm thinking that the most gentle way to do this is to gradually ease oneself away from ttc because for me, a deadline would just make it feel more stressful and abrupt. I think it begins by allowing myself a glass of wine when I fancy one, focusing on my running again, and buying some new clothes instead of waiting, 'just in case I might need maternity stuff'. Not sure I've contributed anything new, just hope it helps you feel like you are as 'normal' as the rest of us! x