When to stop TTC

[readyformore]

Oh boy, I feel like an interloper but I'm responding anyway. I hope you can find my opinion useful as well. . . .

How do you decide if/when to give up?

Well, at 34, I've already considered the idea. It might seem really drastic for my age, but my situation is unique. I have only 1 ovary, I struggled with infertility in my twenties and now again, I have an elevated FSH and a low AMH, and I've been told I'll have an early menopause. So, with that being said, I'm pretty sure my body is going to give out on me early. My guess is I'm perimenopausal already.

I think it takes a really strong person to ttc for several years. Seriously. The emotional torment that we endure each month. . . . I don't know how you've done it for 5 years. That's some major perseverance and determination. I don't know if I'm strong enough to go on that long. I know that for me personally, ovulation is completely unavoidable. I know exactly when I'm fertile. There is no way that I could ntnp because I would know if I had intercourse while I'm fertile and therefore, I'd be hopeful I'd be pregnant. I've already told my DH that at some point (not yet determined) he will have a vasectomy because I will have to accept what my body is telling me and move on.

It's the hope really that kills you. Hope springs eternal! I had a patient once that had been ttc for . . .something crazy. . . like 20 years. She did fertility treatments and had her first baby at 42! Then. . . .she spontaneously conceived and delivered at 45!! Who is more fertilie in their mid-forties than any other time? Obviously, her story is very rare, but we all want to believe that it will happen to us. We all want a story book ending, don't we? It's these stories that compel us to move forward. But, reality? Reality is not very much in our favor. It's almost like you need to kill the hope to move on. How do you do that? I have no idea. . . . .

I do have children already and maybe that's a component to deciding. I don't have the same worries as others do. I know what it's like to rock my baby to sleep, teach him the ABCs, and send him off to school for the first day. But there is absolutely still a sense of loss. I envision this specific person that should be in my household. I look at my other children and think that there is a person that is similar to them, but different at the same time, and I may never meet him. . . . and just the thought of that makes me cry (literally, as I typed this).

Sorry if I rambled.

You are not alone. I desperately want a baby too, but at some point I know that I won't be able to handle the disappointment anymore. I know that even if I have another child, I will still be wanting more. For me it will never end. My body will give out before my desire does. I wish that there was a switch to turn off the desire. That would make things so much easier. . . .

 

[cndnveggie]

I just signed up for this forum so I could respond to this thread! I had done a google search about "how to decide when it's time to stop ttc", and this thread came up in the results. I identified with so many of the comments, I had to register so that I could respond and thank people for sharing their experiences.

A quick history about me: we have been trying for baby #2 for almost 3 years. We conceived our first child the first month we tried, so we had no idea we wouldn't be able to conceive our second child so easily. Both DH and I have had tests done, neither of us has any fertility issues. So we're dealing with unexplained secondary infertility. Like the OP, we've opted not to pursue IUI or IVF, and adoption is also not something we are considering.

Anyways, I've been doing acupuncture and working with a naturopath since the beginning of this year, so for about 10 cycles now (my cycles are on the shorter side). I was hoping that those would give me the little extra push I needed, since we were unsuccessful for the previous 2 years, and had heard so many positive things about them, but unfortunately they haven't resulted in a BFP for us. However, I do think they've been a good experience, and have made me healthier overall, so I would recommend both/either to anyone who has fertility issues. If anything, it made me feel like I was doing something proactive about our fertility problems. As we're nearing the end of our TTC journey, we decided to give Clomid a try. The first 2 cycles didn't result in a PG, so I'm about to start my 3rd and last cycle with it. If this doesn't work, then we might be at the end of our TTC journey - hence my reason for the google search

My situation is somewhat different than many of the others posted here. We do have a child already, and I think that changes things - I am already a mother, and so I don't have to choose between keeping trying or giving up my chance at motherhood. But I have different things I need to consider - how important is it for me to have a sibling for DS? What's the max age gap I'd want between kids? Is my stuggle with the emotional aspects of infertility affecting DS in a negative way?

But the thing I struggle with the most, and which I think affects everyone with infertility, is the uncertainty of what the future holds. I admit that I'm a bit of a control freak, and while I have been able to let go and adopt a more "whatever happens, happens" attitude about TTCing, it's still hard to think about and plan for the future when I don't know if there is another child on the way. Little decisions such as whether to keep or sell all the baby stuff I've accumulated over the past 4 years, to big decisions such as whether we should buy a smaller or bigger car, or if DH can think about going back to school (which would require me to work, not as easy with a newborn). I feel like my life has been in limbo for the past 3 years while we've been TTCing, and it's become very tiring and depressing. I'm so ready to just move on, but I worry that I'll regret that we gave up. I would love for DS to have a sibling. But on the flip side, the longer we go, the larger age gap there would be between kids, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I also really identified with the people who said they didn't understand how people can NTNP - I'm the same way, I am so familiar with my cycle and know when I ovulate and when AF is due, I just can't imagine not thinking about it. I mean, I could see not charting and not paying so much attention, I've actually done that several times throughout the past 3 years. But I still know when we need to be BDing, and there is a lot of anticipation during the 2ww. So I'm not sure how it would help? And besides, it doesn't really help with the uncertainty aspect of it all - if anything, it would make it worse. So for me, I'm leaning towards a more certain/permanent decision, once we decide we're done.

One option I am toying with, that my naturopath mentioned, was that there was an infertility study that showed delaying ovulation (using progesterone, or maybe BC) resulted in a high quality egg when ovulation was finally allowed a few months later, and fertility rates improved. The downside of it is that you have to wait a few months while you suppress ovulation, which is definitely not a pleasant idea when you've been TTCing for a long time. However, since we're thinking we're done anyways, I thought maybe we could take a few months off (with me suppressing ovulation during that time), to remember what it's like to DTD and not be thinking about getting PG. Then if we decide we're not done, I'll go off the BC and hopefully the egg will be high quality, and maybe we'll get lucky. I don't know, I have to talk to the naturopath about it, but I like this idea for a lot of reasons.

Anyways, I'm sorry to come in as a newbie and ramble on, but I really appreciated reading everyone's comments and just wanted to add my thoughts and experience. I would recommend acupuncture to people who haven't tried it - it has been shown to help improve fertility, and although it hasn't worked for me, I do know a lot of people that it has helped. It's also just relaxing and calming, and really has helped me feel more at peace about everything. Working with a naturopath was also really useful - she has helped me tweak some things that my regular doctors didn't catch (low testosterone, thyroid numbers were a bit off, irons stores were low, etc.), and I think that's good for general health, and should also help improve our chances of conception.

I know what a hard decision this is, I've been struggling with it a lot over the past several weeks. I don't know if there is a right answer, and I don't know if I'll ever feel totally happy with the decision, but I completely understand the need to make the decision at some point.

 

[Spoomie]

Hi cndnveggie, thanks for your honesty and for such an in depth post. It is a real help to read the experiences of others in this area. I agree that it is a blessing to be in this position with a child already, but equally I think it can be tougher to let go because you are plagued by the nagging feeling that it all worked out once before and maybe this month will be the month it works out again. I totally get the problem with what to do with all the baby stuff, I hang on to absolutely everything...'just in case'... I also worry about the impact of my stress/sadness on my DS. It is now 9 months since my last mc and when he celebrated his 3rd birthday last week I felt acutely aware that I have been sad for much of his past year. I determined that I must try to be, or at least to feign happiness for him. Your struggle with the age gap conundrum is interesting and perhaps I can add something from my personal experience; my sister is 7 years and 9 months younger than I. I love her dearly, but in many ways our childhoods were not spent as siblings, we had different music, different fashions, different TV programmes etc etc and now we are not terribly close. It doesn't mean it's wrong, just that it's not what we dream of for our child, we dream of a playmate for them, and that's why we press on towards the ultimate goal. Wishing you a miracle xx

 

[Indigo77]

I would be devasted knowing we will never have a child

I don't think you're quite ready to stop TTC...

When that statement changes to 'TTC is too devastating'....then I would say you're ready.