When will the heartache end 100%..

[Danie1stbaby]

This is sooo long,typing through tears...no one to lean on but you ladies right now

Can somebody tell me when will I be back to normal again? Been ok,then BAM,it's like it just happened again...feels like I passed away and waiting for my chance to come back to Earth again..

How can he sleep at night? How can he love this unborn that a teen escort is carrying over his own flesh and blood? How could his family accept her and not attempt to help me with my baby? Then there is a possibility the baby isn't his by the escort?

How can a human being toss a person away after 3 + years and her first child? How is that single mother...now me?

I fought so hard to be different and that thought..is keeping me from being complete or happy.I keep beating myself up about being what many women fear and I feared...a single mother.As much as everyone says "It will be ok" there are weak days,God did not intend for us to do this alone.I do not regret my daughter,but since I have met that man...I have HURT.So to see him put a effort in a female that sold her body to multiple men...hurts me to the core still.He is holding her belly at night,and when I called begging him to touch my belly..he made a joke of it and the escort made fun of it online...

What is wrong with my baby that he does not love her enough? People stop me over how beautiful and happy she is...and this man has not seen her in 3 months.He called only because I called and like I have for the past year,even while pregnant,I begged him to be a father.He took her on carriage rides for mothers day and didn't even say happy mother's day to me.He has treated me,the good girl like the whore and the whore like the good girl.

what triggered this tonight? His dad is friends with my mom on fb and the escort tagged him in her fb pictures.My fob was there,playing pregnant games,looking like a happy family...and she thanked his dad for paying for the caterer.my mom got so upset and called fob,he finally admits she is his gf,and he is still getting a dna from her.lies lies ,you wouldn't be at a babyshower or your dad wouldn't have paid a caterer for a POSSIBILITY BABY.His dad is a pastor at that,and asked to see my baby a few times.FOB said he wants to come see her tomorrow.He is a pcp user(supposedly not lately),and verbal/physical abuser.I have child support on him,he refuses to pay.........I just want him and his family to do as their doing,and leave us alone.I think it will hurt my baby more if he is in and out of her life.She is better off not knowing him at all,right?

It just hurts.even though I didn't see him for months,I called him to ask him to come to my babyshower months b4 I gave birth,he blew me off and changed his number.Even though I was high risk...he changed his number.I gave my life to this man,he took from me what I could never give another,my first child.I loved him more than me,I wanted him so bad I would ball up as my baby kicked.I blocked her out and couldn't enjoy my pregnancy.I was hooked to iv's to get nourishment,because I couldn't eat.My nerves made me sick.While I laid cold in that hospital bed getting fluids pregnant,he was posting nude pics of him and her online.Then he ran back to me and I read a text saying "I will pretend to love my child's mother,just to hurt you if you dont act right.I'm in love with you".A man I gave up my career for,left me in the dirt

I preach about how things will get better,but the process is long.My baby cried today because I was crying,and I felt awful.That is also why I want to relocate..I just want to go away.Why do we love men that just don't love us??

Why hasn't any man,even the guy I forced myself to date after him,love me or fight for me?? They always choose another woman.People always say how beautiful I am and now I am more social bc of my daughter...yet nobody wants to love me.Stems back from my dad,he provided for me,but when he left my mom...he left me..all to be with another woman.Now every man I meet,does the same thing.I am not clingy,I love others more than me.Not fishing for compliments,this is just a vent.

When will I be happy 100% and be like..whatever.My eyes are so swollen,I can't see good out of them.To see those pics as if my child does not exist.I don't want her to feel what I felt as a child...like I wasn't good enough for my dad to stay...I am a broken little girl that tried to love and force others to love me back.I'm so broken,how can I survive with such a shattered heart? How can a heart that's broken into a trillion piece still beat?

The advice I give to others up here is real,.but so hard to accept for myself.I have not enjoyed motherhood or being pregnant 100% yet,and to see this escort enjoy having a family rips my spirit out.Why do I still care? when will God stop this torture.I love my daughter more than myself,yet I am afraid of failing her and never succeeding.She has no dad...that scares me..a daddy is your first love...and before she took her first breath of life ..he walked away....she didn't deserve that...

 

[whatwillbe]

so sorry your suffering so much Hun, I still have all these thoughts, questions and feelings myself, I have good days, even weeks, then all of a sudden it come back to me , and I feel at rock bottom again, like Im not good enough for any body, like I'm ok for a bit of fun but not to be taken seriously, I really feel your pain, wish I could give you a hug
But you have to believe you are a beautiful person, and you are lovable and desrve so much better than him, try and take it day by day , hour by hour, it will get better, and try to think of it like this, maybe it's a blessing he's not in your daughters life, she needs a good role model for a daddy , to know how men should treat a lady the right way, and if he was in her life shed grow up to think the way he's treated you is normal, acceptable and would never expect any better for herself once she's grown up.
I know it's prob not what you want to hear, when you still have feelings for him, but you will meet a real man one day, that will love you and lo , and you will be happy again just for now try and be strong for you and lo, let the escort keep him, they deserve each other, you deserve much , much better x

 

[Calambria]

Please don't underestimate the power of being a single parent. We might need sperm/an egg(depending on what side of the fence we're on) to make it happen, but we don't HAVE to have both "owners" to raise and nurture a healthy and loving child.

I am the product of single motherhood. My dad passed when I was 14 months old. I have seen it, also, around me all my life. Whether it was through the death of the parent, abandonment, fly by night parents, etc. Most of my friend's came from single parent homes.

Yesterday I spoke to my social worker..I asked her, what do I just DO with all this anger I'm feeling, how do I cope with the fact that I'm pretty certain my son's dad is going to be a deadbeat. She said you have to be strong, for him. That doesn't mean you don't cry at night or that it doesn't affect you. But you are consistent, clear and stable in your delivery when your child asks you later on, "Where's my daddy", or "How come a Daddy is not in these pictures like other daddies?".

I always wondered about my dad, of course. I would have liked to know him, loved to. It's a little different when a parent passes... And of course I always wondered what the love of a father would have felt like. This does not mean I went "without". My mother gave me so much love, I didn't feel like I didn't have enough nurture and support. She was always so so strong for me. She fed my own strength that way. She inspires me on a daily basis. I am not the only one to talk like this. As I said many of my friends were also the products of single parenthood - Men and women alike, mostly raised by mothers but a couple single dads, too. As we've gotten older we've learned so much and gain newfound appreciations.

Nothing is WRONG WITH YOUR BABY. Something is wrong within him. Nothing is wrong WITH YOU. Of course you have your issues like the next person does, but you are not your daughter and your daughter is not you...It is he that can't differentiate and separate(I know this feeling). It is him who has to let the weigh on his conscience day in and day out. And a person who has the ability to walk away from their child is a sad and fucked up person. There's no way around that fact. Something is wrong with them. And they will come up with the most bizarre crap you've ever heard to justify their lack of involvement to themselves and to others.

You must learn, hun, NOT to internalize his behavior. I know this is far easier said than done, but you have to. The choices he makes in regards to your daughter are independent of you. They are his sole responsibility. It is a reflection of his own character. LET HIM LEARN PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. So long as you keep dumping it on yourself love(and trust me, he likes that. He eases HIS own conscience), you suffer and he waltzes off like daddy of the year(so he thinks).

You had a bad night. You experienced a trigger(stop looking at his FB. It will spare your sanity). It all seems a hell of a lot worse in the midst of one of those. I had one yesterday, myself. It still sucks today, but it's better. My head is clearer and I'm acting from a place more drawn off logic than emotion. It's simply a setback to your emotions - By no means does your shitty night define things as it's been, as it is, as it will be.

And frankly, if I can be blunt, he sounds really gross. An abuser, drug user, and he turns his back on his child. What makes you think she's winning? I think you are. Remember the social media sites, you get the opportunity to act as happy as you wanna. I can just simply think back to when I had a Facebook some years ago and the pics I had of me and my then boyfriend. We looked deliriously happy. People thought we were the sweetest couple and that he doted on me like none other. In truth we were on a downward spiral and we really weren't very happy at all. We get to pick and choose what we show the rest of the world. Happy pregnancy games don't mean all is well with the world.

Maybe you have a bit of abandonment issues. In some ways you sound a lot like I used to be and when I was like that, I put up with so much crap it wasn't funny. I did a lot to avoid being "left", forking out 2nd, 3rd, 75th chances on men who were never worth my tears to begin with. Let them treat me like shit because I felt faulty. Because I thought maybe I brought it upon myself. That maybe this was what a normal relationship looks like, that they DIDN'T necessarily mean respect...But they do, they always have, I just didn't give enough of a hoot about me to see that. Now girl, I leave. My husband wanted to reconcile soon after I got pregnant and I said nope. Get therapy(he didn't, of course). I am SO GLAD I did that. His true colors are becoming more and more apparent. I would have been a miserable bitch if I stayed with him.

We attract...that which reflects our own state of mind...I'm not saying this means you're a drug abusing, people abusing person...But I am saying that a man of that calibre is not healthy and the person who hangs around for that isn't either, in their own ways. The only way through it is THROUGH it. Taking an honest look within and asking yourself, "Why do I believe I deserve this? Why do I not strive for a healthy and WHOLE relationship? Why am I chasing a person(s) who has made their stance clear?". Self-affirming to yourself that YOU DESERVE BETTER. Fake it until it becomes a reality. Until those words start to click a bit in your head and you actually start to put a little bit of stock into them. Slowly but surely.

And maybe until you figure out how to nurture your own esteem, dating can be put on the backburner. I can see with certainty that dating while feeling really mentally screwy ends in heartbreak. You will attract someone of a similar emotional state.

The problem with guys like these...And I believe my soon to be ex-husband is one of them...Is that they do not differentiate between loving the woman and the child that is born unto them. Rather than see the child as an extension of themselves as well, they tend to see things in a very black and white manner - The child is an extension of that woman...And thusly, they either are absent or treat them like dirt. I talked to my ultrasound technician and she went through a divorce...She said her husband wants nothing to do with her daughter. Her daughter is a spitting image of her. It's all quite pathetic.

God god, I've rambled. You just remember this is his choice, and you stop taking it onto your shoulders. Should he never come to regret it, it still is, always has been and always will be, his problem.

 

[Ceejay123]

Wow I'm so sorry that you're going through so much. I hope that things start to get better for you soon sweetie, keep your chin up. You don't need him, as much as you may feel that you do sometimes. Be strong for your little one, things will get better, as they say, time is a great healer x

 

[Dezireey]

Your post just made me fill up, it rings so close to home and there were days in the beginning of my pregnancy where I wanted the earth to swallow me up. Lots of things you have said are probably true of lots of us 'single mums but not by choice ladies'.
The abandonment you mention and 'why doesn’t he love me?', the fact that he has taken away a precious moment in a womans life - to share her first born and her first experience of pregnancy with the man she loves. Sometimes some women who have loving husbands but treat them like crap don’t know how lucky they are.

But look sweetie, there are only two options that you have in life now, only two paths to take, you cant go back in time, you cant change things, such as never meeting him or doing things differently, what’s done is done. So your first path is to carry on like this, in misery, sadness and pain about this for the rest of your life, letting it seep into every pore until you wake up one day and realise that you have not been as supportive a mother as you would have liked because you have spent too many years getting upset and dwelling on your child’s father and what he’s doing and who he is with. You spend a long time being sad and unhappy and maybe missing precious giggles and fun with your child because you have found out the latest news about FOB.

......or the second and better path - Let him go, let the experience go and move swiftly forward. HE decided to do this to you, you didn't. Let his decision sit, let it be final, let it also be your wish that you have nothing to do with him again. If you convince yourself over a long period of time that you are happy, you don’t need him, your baby doesn’t need him, then eventually you will start to feel positive. You must make a better future for yourself and your LO and don’t let that horrible FOB take anything more away from you, such as your pride, sanity, happiness or strength. He took enough already and gave you enough pain. Don’t keep picking at the wound he has left in your heart, bandage it over for good and let it heal. If you are worried about your LO one day asking about Daddy, tell her what you think she should know but realise that your child will love YOU and will not punish YOU for this, they will love you even more that you struggled to get her daddy back, tried to make her daddy see sense. It will only strengthen the relationship you will have with your child.

I know its hard and I know its one of the most heartbreaking things to go through. But instead of 10-20 years of more pain you could cause yourself, give it only a year / few months and then vow to move on for good. You are not the worse off in this scenario, he is.

Look at what has really happened in your life. You have lost a complete loser of a boyfriend who frankly has no moral values, honour or sense of duty or even a shred of kindness to another human being (the escort can have all that, thanks) and you have gained the love of a child that is a great blessing and many, many women in this world would actually give up their partners in order to be mothers.

So we are luckier than some ladies with husbands out there, trust me. The fact that the only woman he can find to put up with his rubbish behaviour is a prostitute should tell you a great deal hun. Oh yeah, that relationship is going to be all smiles and roses. Do you think if he couldn’t cope with you telling him you are having a baby, that he is going to cope with actually being around one all the time?, one that’s possibly not even his?. I reckon he will do a runner on her too. That’s his modus operandi.

As far as the moniker 'single mother' is concerned, they are just words. And they are words coined by people living a long time ago when it was a sin and a scandal for a woman to be pregnant and unmarried. Today’s society doesn’t give a hoot about that, but for some reason the words have stuck. How can a woman whose just been left by her husband and he divorced her, be at fault? How can a woman whose partner has died, be at fault? And lastly, how can a woman like you or I be at fault if our partners just up and left us?

Be strong, be kind to yourself and most importantly find ways / methods to let this man go in your heart and head, its best for both of you.

 

[gracexxx]

I can relate to this so much, a lot of what you've said the questions youved asked yourself are the exact questions I've asked myself over and over
. I loved my pregnancy and was so excited until he left me at 7 months pregnant, then it was hell! I shouldn't stop crying I couldn't sleep, eat, and I could barely get throu the day.
Fob moved on very quickly after leaving me I believe it was under a week, and was posting pics on Facebook and updating his relationship status commenting on how happy he was. I felt like dying, and like you when I felt our unborn baby kicking, I'd curl up in a ball and cry, I felt I'd already failed her.
I hate him for what he's done and what he put me through, I feel like hes taken away what should have been the happiest time of my life and I'll never get it back
. I won't lie it's been tough, very very tough, but I honestly finally feel like I'm getting happier.
I've moved out of my mums were I moved back to when FOB left and lived there till LO was 8 months old. I think this has given me a sense of release. I feel independent and like I'm getting back to who I was. I don't and won't let that lowlife scumbag ruin my life, he doesn't deserve it!
I'm sorry for what you've been through, and what you're still going through him and his new gf sound like disgusting excuses for human beings! And you deserve so much better! Think about how far you've come already! People comment on how beautiful and happy your baby is! And just think that's all your hard work on your own.
Concentrate and yourself and LO, think how lucky you are to have LO she loves you unconditionally and that's worth 1000 times more than that vile Excuse for a man. I know it feels like a million miles away right now, but you will eventually begin to feel happier and more content with life, and get back to your old self... Eventually you'll realise you've lost nothing except a useless twat of an ex and gained a beautiful baby out of it xxx

 

[Danie1stbaby]

OMG I tried not to cry while reading these beautiful words you ladies typed to me,but I just cried like a baby.I literally had to walk outside to calm down and get some fresh air~I am so grateful for all of you ladies.I don't know how I would get through,if I couldn't chat on a site that didn't judge me.This situation hurts so badly,I don't know how to move on.There is a song that says something about the whole world's laughing at you,that is how I feel.He hid me and put this escort on a pedastal.My baby is the best and people are shocked that her dad treats her that way.I definitely need to stop reading facebook,I have found out 95% of things because of that site.Like today his brother commented on the pictures of the babyshower and said he is happy for them and called the girl his sister.I am so hurt and disturbed that his entire family knows her.He just met her months ago and was with me for years.He told me his family has issues so he kept me from them,yet he introduced this teen to them.I am so so hurt,when I cry my head hurts so badly.My baby is so happy and beautiful,I can't be sad with a happy baby and vice versa.I can't believe his dad who is a pastor,could glorify such actions.

Ladies,let me share a secret.I lost my virginity when I was turning 24,that guy left me too and is with a woman and he 3 children.I met my fob soon after~So all of this is a bit too much for me.I tried dating after fob recently and that guy is broken too,foster care and mother abandoned him...he left me for another woman too.See the pattern? It has to be something in me right? I am not the whiny type,or clingy,I am not bossy or too submissive.I am a lover and they all said I am too good and beautiful.really? when was that a bad thing? hard not to question myself.I am lost,don't know if I am coming or going.So easy to give advice and mean the advice I give.I am unsure of why my baby and I are not chased.I have accepted growing old alone.

 

[Dezireey]

There is nothing wrong with YOU it's just the choices you make are bad. I do it, I understand, I have never chosen wisely and just jump in to relationships head first without a single thought of whether the man is right for me or not. It's a habit and like any habit, you need to give it up and break it. What about counselling? some counsellors are great at analysing with you where you go wrong or 'self punish'. Sometimes you can be so low in your life or going through bad times with self image that you punish yourself because you hate yourself. Sometimes this manifests in choosing totally unsuitable partners. Not sure why but it could be something like- you know they are no good for you but you think because you are a kind, loving, nice person, surely this will be enough to make them love you back? or it could be that you refuse to see the bad in people? Try counselling hun if you haven't already, it will do you the world of good. xx

 

[Jennifurball]

You poor thing.

First of all, anyone who has the slightest connection to him on facebook, delete and block, then they don't have any other way of slipping through the net. That is what i did cos my ex is the type to dive in with someone else and I know it will get back to me.

Secondly, no matter how these men treated you, it isn't your fault. I have chosen horrendous men in the past but I know, looking back, that I deserve better. Any tiny niggly doubt in future and it will be a deal breaker. When I first met ex, he told me he 'had a bit of a drink problem' but for some reason pursued it. His drink problem escalated and he has ruined my life.

Well I thought he had ruined my life, reading these comments has made me stronger and realise he is the one whose life is ruined, he lost the best girl he will get and also a beautiful daughter.

Concentrate on LO and ignore facebook. As mentioned, you can make yourself sound and look as happy as you want on there. You are already better than her because you aren't a disgusting sex worker. That novelty will wear off for him once he is bogged down with a baby that might not even be his while she is out 'earning'.

 

[Danie1stbaby]

I read this thread over and over..and it helps me so much.My soul and heart is still aching.Everyday is a struggle...so here it goes..honetly what I have been doing..

I have created a fake profile on fb to read and keep up with the prostitute's page.I think I need to officially stop the torture....and deactivate the pages...so hard to do but I need to.To see his mother and her mother holding baby and smiling in a pic.To see him supporting her through labor.To see him and his mom smiling holding baby,I cried in my mother's arms.His mom has not seen my daughter since may~ What did I expect from a woman who has walked away from her entire family when they were kids? Yet,it hurts.I think he thinks that if he did right by that kid it he could make up for the neglect he has shown for mine.This young chick he puts on a pedastal,has been with old men,young men and other women...most for money.She even laughed and said her brother taught her how to screw.How crazy is that? It was my fault to get pregnant after all this man has done.Fact is,I was with him and he wasn't with me.He told me the other night that he was in a relationship..and it was his 1st relationship..so what was I? for 4 yrs..what was I? July 18th 2011 was when I found out I was pregnant and my life has been hell since.I am trying to enjoy my baby but how do you smile through a broken heart? I don't want to be with him,but all that this man has done is hard to swallow and accept.He asked me to forgive him tonight and to get over it...like it was a highschool breakup..wow.How can I get over a man walking away from my beautiful and innocent child to be a family with another? This is my 1st baby ,and I love her ...she makes me belly laugh every time I feel down.She is so happy,it's amazing lol I want my life back..I have been used and abused for the past 4 yrs...when can I be happy? I want a new heart...this one is broken..