When your child makes you feel like crap (long)

[_Meep_]

So my older daughter (3.5) had her first session at a playgroup/childminder's today. She'll be starting school relatively soon (either this September or next September as she is summer born and we may defer for a year), so we wanted her to start having a couple of sessions a week to get used to new routines and being looked after by other people. The person who runs it is a client of my partner's (he works with her two dogs).

I'm very fortunate not to have to work at all and have stayed at home with my daughter since she was born. Her sister was born 8 months ago.

We only went to look round today, but within two minutes, my daughter had overcome her shyness and was happily chatting away to one of the minders. When it was time to go, she said she wanted to stay, so we went off with the dogs for an hour and she stayed there. She is clearly so ready for it, and was so confident, which made me really proud of her, and we felt like we had obviously done the right thing keeping her at home for as long as we could.

Anyway, after we picked her up and we were chatting in the car about what she had been doing, she randomly said out of the blue, 'I want a different mummy'.



When I asked her what she meant she said it was just a joke, but I know it wasn't. She is a very perceptive child and could see that I was taken aback, so that is why she claimed she was joking. I know her well enough to know this to be true.

I'm not 100% sure why she said it, and I'm probably overthinking, but I have my suspicions. Since her sister arrived and even towards the end of my pregnancy when I was huge, it's been difficult to devote as much time to her as I could when she was an only child. The baby is at a very challenging stage - she is a. very clingy b. dangerously active/mobile and c. very nosey so it's really hard for me and my older daughter to play together like we did before. I do my best, but it's not enough. I know that. I also know it won't be forever, but being a small child, she lives in the moment and just sees a mummy who doesn't play the way she wants. I'm tired all the time too, so I'm not as patient as I should be, which doesn't help.

At the childminder's there were about 5 women split between about 7 kids, and one of them instantly connected and engaged with my daughter and obviously gave her the attention she has been craving.

It just makes me feel shit. Has anyone else had anything like this happen, or does anyone else feel the same guilt? Am I just reading too much into her comment? I'm 90% sure that what I have written above is why she said what she said.

 

[housewifey]

I obviously don’t know your daughter but I think your looking into it too much. My daughter has also made comments like this is the past and it’s djfficult not to take it to heart but I know it not to be true. It may have been slightly true in that moment as she got the attention she had been craving off of the minder, that was fresh in her head when she made the comment. She wouldn’t have actually meant long term she wants rid of you and needs someone else, she just doesn’t have the maturity yet so describe exactly how she felt.

I hope that makes sense, I’m sure your daughter loves you very much and it’s very common for siblings to feel slightly pushed out when your new little ones come along and your attention is shared suddenly.

 

[biglebowski]

I think our lo's know us so well they know how to push the buttons that hurt the most! I think you may have looked into the comment too much, BUT I think the timing of the comment is why. Its a huge transition for the 2 of you. You have been with your daughter 24/7 for so long it must be very hard to see her moving into this new stage where she will be establishing relationships with other caregivers. The fact she has clicked with a childminder is fab, but in no way could that replace the bond she has with you. You are your lo's world. Shes just made a flip comment to test your reaction. She may have coped wonderfully but its a massive thing for her too.
My lo says things like "I dont like you" or "you dont seem to love me" when he gets in trouble now. I try to remain very calm and tell him Ill always love him, or say I love him even if I dont approve of an action etc. I noticed if I have the comment too big a reaction he said it more. They are fickle little creatures. Shes most likely completely forgotten she said it to you!!
And try to drop the mama guilt you have for yourself. You are her mum, not her playdate 24/7. Its good for them to learn you cant drop everything constantly to entertain them. I only have 1 child so can only imagine how hard it must be juggling responsibilities of 2. But I work and have a house to keep. Theres always a million things to juggle. I used to feel guilty when I didnt play with my son constantly, especially when I went back to work. But I think its important they learn that they cant monopolise your attention constantly. Unfortinately life doesnt work that way!! You're a wonderful mum, if you werent her comment would have rolled off your back!! Take a deep breath and best of luck with this exciting new stage in your lives.

 

[Quartz]

Yep totally overthinking it. She may be a perceptive and bright 3.5 year old but she is 3.5 years old she did not mean it.

DS always tells me I am the world worse mum when I tell him off. After he calms down I am the best mum again

She enjoyed it and had fun take that from it.

 

[misspriss]

My son said almost the same thing right around 3.5. I believe he said he wanted a "new" mommy, or that he wanted MIL to be his mommy now.

MIL and I were having a huge altercation, we are still on civil at best terms.

I was pregnant unexpectedly with YDS and I just freaking lost it. I cried. I made DH talk to him about it, because it was too emotionally upsetting for me.

I felt the same way, MIL doesn't work so when she does see them she has no concerns with laundry or dishes or picking up or what not - she does that after they leave. So when Mommy has to make food, do chores, clean up, etc instead of "play"...well you get the idea.

He only said it a coupe of times. I'm not sure what DH said. It's a phase. It passes.

 

[Zephram]

Yep, don’t overthink it. I’m pretty sure every kid says something like that at some point. If I’ve had to tell my five year old off for something and he gets really grumpy he has said a couple of times now, “You’re not my mummy anymore”. I don’t react to it because I know he doesn’t mean it.

Your daughter might be bright but she is definitely not sitting there thinking of reasons she should have a different mummy. I think it’s just hit you hard because you’re finding things difficult at the moment. She loves you and she wants you, trust me!

 

[SarahBear]

I wouldn't take it too personally. You're probably right that she misses being able to play with you like she used to and that she had fun with the adults that were there, but that's perfectly normal. She just doesn't have the communication skills to put it more tactfully. Also, remember that if you're paid to work with kids and then get to go home and relax, you have more energy to be more exciting/fun. I've certainly had difficulty finding enough time for my kids lately. But you do what you can and squeeze time out of where you can. Making the switch from an only to a sibling is tough. She'll get through and so will you!

 

[CRWx]

I wouldn’t take it personally- I’m gathering that she had fun and liked the other women and as it was her first taste of that, she liked them a lot. At 3.5 she doesn’t understand the impact of what she said! My DD would probably trade me in for Minnie Mouse or a randomer on the bus some days

Your DD definitely didn’t mean it.

 

[SarahBear]

Haha, if we're talking about trading in, you should see my son. If we're out somewhere and there's another family and they're friendly, he'll go over to socialize. Then he'll start acting like he's with them instead of us. He adopts himself into other families all the time. My dog is the same way.

 

[minties]

You're way over thinking it. Kids say that sort of stuff but don't mean it, they just can't articulate what they really mean. It can be as something as simple as you said no to a treat. They don't hate you, or want a new parent. They are just unhappy about something that happened.

My son full on tells me he wishes I was dead, I know it hurts, I just smile and tell him I love him.