which is better? No Dad or PT Dad?

[44npregnant]

I'm in my 33rd week so I have some time but I know that the FOB is not going to be around much, if at all. He has said he wants to "talk" but he lives in IL and I live in TX. He has shown no interest in baby the entire time I have been pregnant. I'm not really sure what he wants to talk about but it has concerned me that perhaps he suddenly wants to have something to do with the baby.

I know that he was uncaring to me in our relationship and wanted me to have an abortion. I expect he will be unreliable and in and out of my life if I let him back in.

I feel as if my child would be better off to just have a happy loving Mom and no biological father until I get married some day to someone new. I don't see how having a biological father that floats in and out of your life would be beneficial at all.

For those with experience....I would love to hear how things have worked out.....

 

[Mummy1995]

I think it depends. Just because he was a crap partner, doesn't mean he'll be a crap dad, and that's an important thing not to assume.

I personally would give him a chance to be a dad when baby is here as for some they need the reality of the baby physically being there for it to click.

As for the distance, it'll be difficult to maintain a good relationship, but I don't think it's fair to use that as a reason. If he wants to be involved he can Skype/call your LO etc. and the fact that he wouldn't see him much wouldn't be something he could really decide. However, if you mean by part time, as he's given a chance, meets your LO once and then you don't hear from him for months and suddenly he's back and then off again. Then in my opinion that's very detrimental to a child's emotions, and so I'd definitely say in that situation that it would be better to have no dad around. Which is the situation for me and my daughter.

Hope that helps xx

 

[Yo_Yo]

I'll give you my input based on my dd1s dad.

He didn't see her until she was 3, after we split when she was born. She is now 8.

He was meant to see her once a month, and call once a week. This has dwindled down to nothing now.

But it became inconsistent-he only wanted her when a special occasion was on, such as a wedding or to impress his girlfriends rich parents with his great daddy skills.

My daughter started getting anxiety about seeing him. She wouldn't hear off him months, and this relative stranger was allowed to take her for the weekend.

Then he would reject her with no calls, letters or birthday presents etc. probably leaving her wondering what she did wrong

Anyway, he's decided not to bother for the last 8 months and she is the happiest she has ever been. She's stopped nail biting and mood swings.

I guess you will only know what kind of dad he is if you (rightly so) give him a chance, but if he is anything like my ex, put your child's needs first and see how contact is affecting them first and foremost.

Of course in an ideal world all kids would have two amazing parents(and consistent+ reliable) but if your child's unhappy you have to protect their needs.

Good luck

 

[Kate&Lucas]

It's difficult really. On one hand every child deserves to know their father, but then I don't think every father deserves to know their child.
Personally, I don't think a person can be a 'good dad' if they're barely in their child's life. In my experience, FOB has Lucas once or twice a week, one overnight at his mum's house. Lucas adores him and loves spending time with him, he's his dad and he's good for him, but I don't see him as a 'good dad'. Dad to me is the male equivalent of Mum - if I flitted in once or twice a week to see Lucas with the help of my family to distract him I wouldn't be a very good mum.

The key imo is consistency. If you're already anticipating him being unreliable and letting LO down then probably they'll be better without him. But I do think it's worth giving him a chance at least once.

 

[Dezireey]

If the father wishes to be very involved when baby is born, I think its worth just giving them a chance and seeing how it goes. The little one is none the wiser for the first few years up to about 3 or 4. I think that's plenty of time to see whether FOB is consistent or not and if he isn't, I believe that, to protect your child from getting hurt and emotionally affected, its best to try and cut ties until they are an adult and can cope better with a useless father. They can make their own decisions then.

For me, in my situation, I am glad now that my FOB doesn't want to know. He is such a useless waste of space and my son is such a wonderful kid, I don't want him influencing him or hurting him. I would have given him a chance in the very beginning but now, if he turns up, wanting to know him, I will fight it through the courts saying he is unbalanced, a risk and unable to take care of a child. If my son wants to see his Father one day, he can wait until he is an adult and can handle things.

It is such a vulnerable time when a child is growing, developing and forming their personalities at a young age. To have someone in their life that they believe is supposed to love them just letting them down and hurting them can do damage to their character, IMHO.

 

[lovejoy]

This is a tricky one, it sort of dammed if you do, dammed if you don't. If you don't give him a chance you'll always wonder, but if you do give him a chance and he messy it up, you'll kick yourself. People often day" oh give him a chance" but they forget about the child's emotional and psychological well-being is at stake.If the dad is constantly rejecting the child. and in and out, but others might argue that the child will still feel reject if. The dad is never around.

I was like many others ,and attempted to allow my children's father in their lives, even after he put me through a lot of stress and headache, I thought not the kids fault etc. it's the same story as many others, their dad was supposed to Skype call them once a week,as he moved away, was supposed to come and visit every few months. We didn't even talk about money, because I wanted him to develop a relationship with his children, but after a few months the calls became less and less, the visits turned into only on special occasions, I.e birthdays and then he stopped calling altogether. I basically had to email him and told him not to bother any more, then he called at Christmas ,probably because he was feeling nostalgic, but haven't heard from him since then.Feels like they erase the children for memory when they split from the mum.

 

[Ceejay123]

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[teal]

The only way you'll know is to give him a chance. I tried to involve my sons father but I received nothing but abuse from him on the phone.

My son has never met his father and he's definitely not missed out. I have a happy and confident little boy.

 

[44npregnant]

The only way you'll know is to give him a chance. I tried to involve my sons father but I received nothing but abuse from him on the phone.

My son has never met his father and he's definitely not missed out. I have a happy and confident little boy.

that's wondeful! I hope I am that lucky!

 

[sillysapling]

It really depends on how a dad is part-time. There are parents that have to go away for months at a time due to work (military, for example), and it can be rough on the kids, but they make it clear that they love the children very much and don't want to be away from them. Because FOB lives so far away, he'll have a hard time being around, but he could still make it clear to his child that the child is loved and the distance isn't the child's fault.

A parent who just can't be bothered half the time can be very damaging. It's confusing and hurtful, kids want the love and approval of their parents so when they aren't getting it, it causes serious problems. I know someone who's son has extreme behavior problems because his relationship with his dad has convinced him he's a bad kid. I really think that kids are better off with no parent than a parent like this.

However, this isn't something you can decide. Since you're in the US, there's nothing you can do to keep him out unless he actually abuses your child severely and you can prove it or he agrees to give up his rights to the child (this is a specific legal process, he can't just say "I don't want to be involved"). Even if he abuses the child, he may be able to get back in and get unsupervised visitation after he fulfills the court's requirements. If you leave him off the birth certificate, he can file for a paternity test and, once paternity's established, file for visitation and custody.

I hope that you do get lucky and FOB just doesn't bother. It will be very inconvenient for him because it'll have to go to his state, so he'll have to travel there for court dates, etc.

 

[Dream.dream]

I think if the dad is a good dad then a part time dad is better then no dad and I don't think you Should keep him away if he wants to be there . Children deserve to know who their dad is so long as they Arnt in danger . Also need to sort are your relationship with him from the one your cold will have with him, lots of men are crappy partners but can be good dads

 

[Ceejay123]

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[44npregnant]

After 6 months I saw the FOB and he is still sticking to the idea he wants nothing to with baby once it's born so I guess it doesn't matter. So sad for baby but perhaps he will be better off in the long run.