Which is harder, to hope or not to hope?

[Natsby]

I have been trying for two and a half years but the last two cycles we have known there is almost no way due to OH´s SA, and I honestly think it has been easier. Sure I get sad and have bad days, but the waiting and hoping before was murder! At least now I don´t suffer in the TWW, I don´t test. or wait for AF and I can get on with other things. I sincerely hope that we can still find a way to have a family, and I will try IUI soon, but in the short term it feels easier not to hope each month.
What about you guys? Is the hope keeping you alive, or stopping you living?

 

[anorak]

Oh honey, hope is keeping me going. x

 

[readyformore]

Hi Nats!!

Hmmmm. That's a tough one.

I am ttc, because I do have some hope. If I didn't I wouldn't be here.

But, at the risk of having rotten tomatoes thrown at me, I will say that I think that there is a balance between being hopeful and being realistic. I think that those that haven't been ttc very long are more hopeful, and those that are ltttc are considerably less hopeful simply because their reality isn't sex=baby.

At first, I was hopeful. Now, I'm thinking that it just might not happen. I am doing IUI. With my husband's count, my success rate is 8-10% per cycle. I will probably do 3-4 cycles, so my chances really aren't that good. I saw today a post that stated with his count, natural conception is 1% for me. So, the reality is not that great, and I need to accept it, because for me, the more hopeful I am, the harder I fall. I can't handle being crushed every month. So, if I am realistic and remember that my chances are very, very, small, it doesn't hurt quite so much. The same with fertility treatments; the more I invest into a cycle, the more the bfn hurts. Instead of a slow steady ache with natural methods, failed fertility treatments are more of a stab and free fall.

I shared this link in the ltttc thread. It mentions hope can sometimes be denial. I would agree. Especially when it comes to false hope and blind optimism.https://theinfertilitytherapist.blogspot.com/2010/09/negatives-of-positive-thinking-denial.html

I have a friend that has had 6 donor egg transfers, 4 failures, 1 miscarriage, and 1 live birth, (she had a son with her own egg, previous to her donor egg). Even with all of her hurdles, she still has hope that perhaps another cycle will give her another baby. I admire her. She says that it's easier to have hope and be positive, than to not. And while there might be some truth to that, I think that she needs hope to get her through the day, because in the end, she has a severly disabled child and absolutely cannot use any of her eggs to have another biological child, due to a genetic issue. I would never say that to her, of course. She is a dear friend. Her attitude works for her. She seems happy and is a good mother.

So, I don't know. I guess whatever works for the person. We all need different things.

 

[Jennifer01]

Well I can only speak for myself, and I think they both suck
When I first started ttc, I was hopeful but then sad every AF...it was such a letdown and more months went by I got sadder every time. Now, 30 cycles later, I feel like I don't have much hope left, I'm just going through the motions sometimes so that I can say I tried. And not having hope leaves you feeling very empty. Although I am don't know my ass from my head bc of ttc, and am liable to say the opposite opinion on any given day

 

[crystal443]

I come on here to talk about TTC but in my regular world I obbess about it during O time and then that's it

 

[drsquid]

meh, i know i havent been lttc. this is only cycle 2 but.. last month i was SURE it would only take one try. this month.. for some reason i feel almost hopeless. stupid i know but as sure as i was last month, that is how unsure (or sure in the opposite direction) i am this month. mind you i am in the wait for o rather than the tww but.. hrm maybe it is the meds (taking femara..)

 

[threebirds]

I agree its a tough one. According to one consultant we have something like a 2% chance of conceiving naturally and not much better with ivf with my eggs. Yet six months ago I was preg. So was that my only one in a million, never to be repeated chance, or do I take hope from the fact we got there once? (it ended in mmc at 13 wks)

Also, what about visualisation? I try to be positive, hopeful and yes I do use visuslusation but omg is that just making things harder if we are unable to have kids?

No answers sorry, but good question, and yeh I think everyone has to find their own way. Until it is clear things will not work for us I will have hope.

Good luck ladies, thinking of you all xxx

 

[NorthStar]

Oh honey, hope is keeping me going. x

This is your first cycle, right?

I think we all start out hopeful but as time goes by its not possible to keep maintaining a PMA.

 

[Natsby]

I agree as time passes we have to reign in the hope a bit, otherwise it is unbearable the highs and lows are too much.
I know what you mean threebirds, my chances are very slim of getting a bfp naturally, yet I have already been pregnant twice and lost both. So does that mean i had my chance or that the statistics are rubbish. I keep a hope for the future, that it will work out for us one day, but in the short term, month to month I don´t dare hope. Maybe a health mix is needed.

 

[NorthStar]

Yep ITA Nats and threebirds, if I got my hope up every month, now at the 18 month mark I'd probably be on ADs by now. But we still keep trying.

 

[Spoomie]

A thought provoking thread and a subject I have considered before. Me? I vacillate like a woman on the edge! .............

After 2 mc in 2007 I conceived and delivered my son in 2008 at the age of 40. In truth, and despite the mcs, it wasn't such a struggle to bring him to fruition, though at the time it felt like a bit of a roller coaster. Fast forward to August 2010 and after quite a bit more of a struggle (now 42), I was over the moon to be pregnant again. Fast forward to November 2010, just past 12 weeks, I lost our baby. Devastated does not even come close; were it not for our son, I dread to think what I might have done to take the pain away.... A GP told me that, given my past history, I must be very fertile, and I expected to be pregnant again within a few months. Big mistake. Nothing, 14 months later, 2 months away from being 44 and I have experienced the full gamut of hopeful and hopeless. Following my last mc I cringe to recall the pain and disappointment that every month brought as I hoped (and expected at that stage) that I would soon be back on a happy road again. When Af showed up, I re-lived the mc all over again for months. During that time BnB was an absolute lifeline and, while I withdrew completely from everyone in my 'real' life, my friends here totally 'got' where I was at and provided an amazing amount of support and understanding. Obsessively hopeful, I dotted every i and crossed every t in my attempt to bring about success - OPKs, CBFM, temping, supplements, herbalist, reflexology, acupuncture - hundreds if not thousands of £s. It helped me to feel in control, as if I could somehow influence the outcome. When you are living like that, watching your temperature tumble from 11/12dpo until AF arrives rips the soul out of you, not to mention those who have to live with you (how on earth I still have a husband I do not know). Although I will never know, I am left wondering if my stress and the pressure I put on myself in those months following the mc actually inhibited my ability to conceive, it certainly could not have helped! Gradually I have moved to a place where I believe that our lost baby was our last shot and I now have to tell myself that this is not actually going to happen for us, and if it does then it will be a bonus. I recall reading people express a similar sentiment early on in my quest, or saying that sadly, they were calling it a day, and I wondered how they could be so weak as to give up. Now, I find myself in that place and I realise that it is about self preservation, and that moving to a position of not getting your hopes up every 2ww is the only way that you can begin to re-engage with the life you have, rather than yearning for the one you want. I still want it, I still temp, ttc still occupies the majority of my waking thought time, but I am learning to let that run in parallel with the life that I have and to remind myself that it is a bloody good one. Despite my best intentions to remain level headed, every month I still have emotions ranging from hopeful to hopeless and back again. However, AF is no longer the train crash it once was, just a bit of a black cloud, so that must be progress.

Wishing a positive eventual outcome for all of you on your journeys, but don't forget to live the life you have now xxx

 

[Natsby]

Beautifully said Spoomie. So much in what you wrote I can relate to. As you say in the end it is self preservation which stops up from hoping quite so hard and getting on with life. Infertility at any stage, whether it is your first or third child, is like grief. I grieve the babies I lost but more I grieve the future I dreamed I would have and hasn´t come.
But I can´t grieve all the time, there is too much life left apart from TTC and if I don´t live it then I´m not doing anyone any good.
So on with the day and I hope you dream comes true, that all our dreams come true soon.

 

[Spoomie]

Natsby, thank you so much for your lovely comments. I didn't want it to sound like a mememe post but your thread really made me think on these things. I am acutely aware that my quest for a second child could seem like I am not grateful for my gorgeous son, I am more grateful than I can ever express. Thank you for acknowledging that it is equally as difficult as primary infertility. You are so right; it is grief. I mourn my tiny lost baby but much more I mourn the sibling my son will never grow up with. A friend said to me a while ago that at least I have one child. I wondered at the time if she would think it ok if one of her children died, just because she still had another one?! No one would ever say that to a grieving mother would they? My reply to her was that something changes when you have held your tiny lost baby in your hand and that got me thinking about mc and people's attitude to it. I'm sure that most people imagine it is just like a late, slightly heavier period, when in reality it is an emotional and physical trauma. I recall the porter who wheeled me to my hospital room asked if I had all my belongings as he steered me away. Only my husband and I appreciated the significance of what we had left behind.

I pray you find the strength to get through each day happily, co-existing with your ttc quest, and that your dreams come true.

 

[lunamoona]

For me the hardest thing is trying not to hope, I just can't stop myself!

It makes me feel so stupid when AF comes (as she has today). It took me 3 years of never missing a cycle trying, to conceive my son and I am so, so grateful for him. But, I am now onto cycle 10 this time round and 2 years older (42 and a half).

I keep telling myself that it only takes 1 good egg but that good egg never seems to be next in line as logically it should be. Surely the eggs I released at 37 when I first tried would have been in better condition than the egg that made it when I was 40 and conceived?

I'm sorry I don't post much but I often find it too overwhelming to talk about. I don't talk about TTC to anyone in my life. I am often on here lurking though and so admire you ladies for your courage and determination, I have often shed a few tears when you shared your disappointments and feel genuinely uplifted when the lucky ones make it.

Baby dust to you all

 

[Spoomie]

Hi lunamoona, so sorry she got you. I totally understand your logic that the next egg could be the good one. That's what makes it so frustrating and so hard to give up the fight. I also find myself feeling foolish when AF arrives. As Natsby and I said, it's just about trying to find a place for that desire to co-exist with the rest of our lives. It is so so hard isn't it? In trying to figure this out I once said to DH, if I found out tomorrow that I had 6 months to live I would be cross with myself for wasting so many months obsessing about something that I seem to have no control over anyway!

 

[heavenly]

I don't know really.

We have been TTC for 4 years, we don't have children and I have just turned 46. I know there is not much hope for me, unless we try IVF, which we can't really afford, so will get ourselves into debt and it may not work.

I used to be of the opinion 'if it's meant to be etc...' but now I see this year as our last chance saloon. I can't face the reality that we may never be parents, but I also can't be really positive and keep telling myself that we are good people so it will happen to us, as that will make it even harder to deal with if it doesn't happen.

This year is a huge year for us.

 

[Natsby]

Heavenly, I feel for you! I hope you find some resolution. I have the same problem, the government here has withdrawn all funds for fertility treatments and we can´t afford IVF. It is so sick that it has become about wealth and not potential to parent well.
What I think changes every day. If I knew I would never have kids then I could grieve and find a way to move on. But the up and down of TTC and cycles of hope and hopelessness is a killer. But I don´t want to give up hope either, that is too hard. It is so confusing!

 

[Spoomie]

Hi Heavenly

How amazing would it be if it was as easy as the good people get the prize (forgive my lack of humility that I consider myself to be one of those good person!) I am a teacher and for me the anger and frustration are at their worst when I stand in the playground at the end of the day and listen to the way some people respond to their children, then it can feel as though there is no justice. I remind myself that I should not judge because none of us truly knows the journey that anyone else has taken to arrive at the place of having a child. However, for a number of the Mums I see, children seem to be little more than an unfortunate consequence of having had sex (and several times!). Oh the irony of it that it comes so easily to those who don't necessarily want it and when we want it so badly it seems to evade us

 

[Spoomie]

I personally do not want to go down the IVF route although I totally understand people who do. However, if I win the Euromillions lottery I shall take all my BnB friends and we will camp out at the fertility clinic until we get our prizes!!!

BTW, I had been doing so well at limiting my time on BnB as a way of moving forward but this thread has sucked me back in

 

[NorthStar]

Another thing I cannot stand on this forum is people stopping by to "give hope" ie they're 35+ and have been trying a whole 3 months or whatever

I rarely venture outside my friends threads as these posts piss me off so much.