Why am I getting made to feel like the bad one?

[Laura--x]

Please be honest with me and tell me if i am being out of order in any way here... Its going to be long so be prepared.

Well i did another post a while ago about arrangments to do with Maisie and such. Basically ( for those who didnt read ). Me and maisies dad split up, after things settled down we decided ( well, i let him chose the days ) that he would see her of a saturday and a thursday. To start with, he had her on saturdays from 1-5, then thursdays just for an hour 5.30-6.30 because of work, but he lost his job after a few weeks so now its 1-5 on thursday too.

Well, at the start he completely took the piss with the arrangements. id get texts on the days he was supposed to have her, saying he couldnt get here till 2.30pm.. or hed come and get her earlier, or bring her back earlier, or even sometimes he asked to have her the day after because he was 'busy' that day! The first couple of times i let him get away with it because i didnt really think twice about it, but then i thought about it, and decided i needed to step up a bit and i told him straight. I told him, if he wasnt on time to get her ( id give him up to half an hour being late, which to me is too generous really! ) then he isnt seeing her at all that day. It happened once, so i didnt let him have her, but apart from that it was all good and she was collected, and home on time, every time.

Well, on wednesday last week, i spoke to him on facebook and told him i was going out on the thursday, so i said i wouldnt be here when he collects Maisie. I gave him the option, i said if you want you can come an hour earlier ( at 12 ) to get her, or you can just come at 1pm and my mum or dad will hand her over. At first he told me hed let me know on the thursday morning, but i told him id need to know that night, so he told me he'd get her at 12.

Well, thursday morning came, and at 10.15am i got a text saying ' i wont be able to get Maisie untill 1 today'. I text him back asking why, but he didnt reply. I sent him 2 more texts, which he didnt reply to any of them, so then at 11.45 i rang him to see what was going on.

He took a while to answer, but when he finally did, he sounded as if he had just woke up ( as if the phonecall woke him ). obviously, i cant know for sure, but it certainly did sound like it! Anyway, i said to him ' whats going on? and asked him why he couldnt come and get her at 12, and he replied with ' Cus moms still in bed so i cant get down there' . So i said to him get the bus or walk or even get a taxi down, your meant to get your daughter in 15 minutes but he came up with the excuse of ' he cant afford a taxi, and he needs the carseat to bring her home in and he cant carry the carseat aswell as the pram ( and this is complete bullcrap because they have a spare carseat at their house from his brother, which they've brought her home in before!. I was so angry i put the phone down.

He text me a while later saying ' the only reason your mad is because you cant go out on time', so i text back saying what a discrace he was, i said what kind of father doesnt come and get his daughter on time because he cant be arsed to travel down on his own ( he lives 20 minute walk away!) I know i should of probably kept my mouth shut but i couldnt help it. But anyway, in the end i told him he wasnt seeing her today and that i was taking her with me.

Then, around 1.00pm(ish) he phones me, but i ignore it. Then i get a message saying dont you dare go anywhere, im coming down. I hadnt left yet so i was still at home. He then rung me twice again and on the second time i answered it saying 'dont bother coming down, if you cant be arsed to get her on time your not seeing her at all'. Then 5 minutes later my doors getting banged... i ignore it for a bit but then i answer it and hes demanding to have her. I tell him no and basicalyl keep repeating myself of how he doesnt deserve to see her, and from now it all just gets a bit mad. We start shouting at each other, my dad gets involved and his mum gets involved. Them both saying how unfair im being, how hes her dad and he has a right to see her as much as i do. Ive told them a thousand times before, i will never ,ever stop him from seeing his daughter. But when he tells me he cant get her because he cant get down, thats just taking the piss! Anyway, we argue more and more then his mum says ' we'll have to take it to court then'.

So in the end he didnt have her, but yesterday he had her as normal and brought her back and got her on time, which like ive said before, as long as he does that then i dont mind but at the end of the day he is not going to keep messing us around.

Now, reading that back, have i in anyway been out of order? If things did go to court, what sort of outcome will happen? Will he get more access to her?

Sorry if it all sounds a bit muddled up. I just dont know what to do nomore. I always think every decision i make is whats best for my daughter, but i get made to feel like im being selfish by not letting him see her. I feel like i cant win whateever happens!

 

[KaeRit21]

to be fair, he was the one being the arse and it sounds like he just wanted to make life difficult for you because you'd asked him to come earlier (but u DID give him the choice)

i wouldnt accept him messing you around either, its not him that will be left to deal with maisie when shes bigger and asking where he is when he shows up when he feels like it.

it doesnt really have anything to do with his mum or your dad, and as for her threatening to take it to court, i doubt she'd actually do it

do what you think is right for you and maisie, its not fair if she starts getting messed around

xxx

 

[Ash_P]

Hey I cant speak from myself as baby aint here yet, but from my sisters experience I can tell you what way they do it.
Her and her Fiance split at xmas, there son is 6. They argued constantly over visitation etc and she tried several options but he was just awkward and refused her offerings. So he took it to court. He was granted every other weekend from a friday til a sunday. (although bare in mind, jack is older than ur wee daughter)
He is meant to collect Jack at 3pm on a Friday and leave him home at 3pm on a Sunday. He is meant to collect him on his own - no1 else must be with him, and he must stay at his dads house. Not the grandparents etc.

Jack came home one say saying that his dad had plans one nite so he stayed with his grandparents while his dad went out, so the next time he was due to go, she stopped it. 2 weeks later she agreed that he could go on the grounds he stuck to the conditions settled in court. that went well for a few months.

Then he landed at the house one friday with his girlfriend in the car. My sister calmly told him to go away and not to come back unless he was on his own, he needed time to spend with his son as its once every 2 weeks, girlfriend can be seen every day.

They have now reached middle ground, he understands that if he breaks conditions he doesnt see his son. He has to drive 78 miles to see him. They do re-arrange and are both agreeable to it, depending on reasons.

Halloween my sister told her ex she could have him during the week rather than weekend, as she was planning a party for his school friends. Her ex agreed.

Sorry I dont know if this is any use to u at all. I dont think u are being unreasonable at all. Fathers should walk through hell and high water to get to see their children. Courts will side with the mother (unless seen unfit) and u could make life alot more difficult for him, so he really should play ball with u. Sorry for long reply, just trying to give u a wee example. Hope it helps hun x

 

[Laura--x]

Do you think its worth ME taking him to court?

 

[Ash_P]

if u think there is no other way then yeah. set ground rules, times days etc and if he isnt in agreement then defo.
This is my plan with FOB i am going to set days and times, if he disagrees or lets baby down by not showing or being late etc then off to court i go.
Im very reluctant to let FOB take child away from house at first cause i can just see him ans his new bird playing happy families with my baby, and if i find out she is near my child il ring her neck!
If thats the case then il take him to court and request supervised visits, that way I know exactly what he is doing with my child and I know that my child is being looked after 100%

Do u trust FOB with the child on his own, or is he normally with his mother when he has her?

 

[Laura--x]

if u think there is no other way then yeah. set ground rules, times days etc and if he isnt in agreement then defo.
This is my plan with FOB i am going to set days and times, if he disagrees or lets baby down by not showing or being late etc then off to court i go.
Im very reluctant to let FOB take child away from house at first cause i can just see him ans his new bird playing happy families with my baby, and if i find out she is near my child il ring her neck!
If thats the case then il take him to court and request supervised visits, that way I know exactly what he is doing with my child and I know that my child is being looked after 100%

Do u trust FOB with the child on his own, or is he normally with his mother when he has her?

Hes literally ALWAYS with his mum when he has her, or if he takes her out, hes friends always goes with them!

 

[lou_w34]

I dont think you were out of order.
It seems to me you are being more than fair, he has plenty of options and he should stick to them. end of.

Im not sure, but because of your babies age, he would probably only get one visitation a week, maybe only every other week, as the courts generally take the view that small children need to be with their mothers, so if he wants to take it to court, let him, he will only be screwing himself over in the end.

Sorr that wasnt much help

 

[sweetlullaby]

I don't think you were out of order either He should stick to set times etc and make an effort for his daughter! It unsettles your wee one if he keeps showing up at all different times etc.

I think you're being more than fair as well and if it was took to court he would possibly get less than what he's getting now! Thus as others have said screwing himself over!

Im dreading all of this...I feel that FOB in my case is not going to agree to anything i say and will make life hell for me when LO is born But we gotta set the ground rules and if they constantly break them or dont agree to what you set then court or an agreement through a solicitor is sometimes the only way!

 

[woadie]

He hasn't particularly had much consideration for you in any of this. His behaviour was selfish but your was just frustrated. You kept calm and you were level headed and straight about things.

I think he's been really unfair on you and I hope that he can start to see that his behaviour has been less than responsible towards both you and Maisie ... with a bit of luck he'll start to see the importance of sticking to arrangements and save a lot of heartache x

 

[Ash_P]

if u think there is no other way then yeah. set ground rules, times days etc and if he isnt in agreement then defo.
This is my plan with FOB i am going to set days and times, if he disagrees or lets baby down by not showing or being late etc then off to court i go.
Im very reluctant to let FOB take child away from house at first cause i can just see him ans his new bird playing happy families with my baby, and if i find out she is near my child il ring her neck!
If thats the case then il take him to court and request supervised visits, that way I know exactly what he is doing with my child and I know that my child is being looked after 100%

Do u trust FOB with the child on his own, or is he normally with his mother when he has her?

Hes literally ALWAYS with his mum when he has her, or if he takes her out, hes friends always goes with them!

If u dont want this situation hun, u have a rite to do something about it. I know in my sisters case she refuses to left him have jack unless he is on his own. She doesnt mind him taking Jack to his grandparents for a few hours etc but as long as thats all it is, Jack cant stay with them and his dad must be with him at all times. He cant even have his friends with him etc. Its hard cause Maisie is so young, Jack is old enough to tell his mum what they did, who they saw etc etc and with a young child its hard to know exactly what is going on when ur not there.
But u can demand that he needs to spend time ON HIS OWN with her, after all, he does need to bond with his daughter, and hacing a load of different people with him will make that difficult.
know if the show was on the other foot, I wouldnt want anyone else with me when I was seeing my child, Id want to soak up as much time as possible with them, but then again men dont really think the same way as us.

 

[woadie]

know if the show was on the other foot, I wouldnt want anyone else with me when I was seeing my child, Id want to soak up as much time as possible with them, but then again men dont really think the same way as us.

I'd love to know what men do actually think. I suppose they do feel 'hard done by' in cases like this, simple minds breed simple hearts lol. The thing is, how many single Dads are here in the single parent forum?! None! They don't come here to fight their own corner or lament their own issues, or to gain advice about access or relationships. Not even to offer any advice across lol...

That in itself speaks volumes about how they 'think'. I don't believe many of them have the capability to go further than feel and act with themselves in mind . But meet a single Dad and you'll often hear the violins playing over what a rough deal they've had with their children...

I don't like 'men bashing' and never have done, but I'll be frank and say they don't do themselves very many favours with their behaviour and attitudes. Sometimes its understandable why they're seen in such a poor light in cases like this, when you look at the decisions they make and how they behave....

 

[xxannxx]

You did absolutely nothing wrong, he had made arrangements to pick LO up at 12pm, and if he wasn't there on time, you have every right to not let her go. I doubt they would take it to court, if he has access theres really no point, and no solicitor is going to take him seriously, when he explains that the only time he was denied access was because he didn't show up at arranged time, especially as he only lives 20mins away. I think you did the right thing standing up for yourself, now he knows that if he doesn't stick to arrangements he doesn't see LO which is completely fair.

 

[starbucks101]

You didnt do anything wrong hun! Let him try and take you to court, they will see the access he has as fair and more than most cases get anyway, it wont even get to court unless his solicitor is trying to scam them out of money as it would be laughed out.

You need to be firm, and set the rules. He c*cked you about the other day and got some reprocussions for it, looks like he's altered his behaviour temporaliy (cant spell) but no doubt he will need a kick up the bum again soon!

Keep your chin up hun!

(also following on from another thread of yours) courts wont make you spilt xmas day, you'll get xmas he'll get boxing! xxx

 

[babybaillie]

You want an honest answer. I feel u were slightly contradicting urself. You were saying he needs set times and needs to stick to the set times. Then u decide to change the set time. I think these things have to work both ways. And there needs to be a bit of come n go on both ends. If your gonna encourage him to stick to it, u need to do the same. I dont think it was fair u saying he should come an hour earlier or get her off ur parents either. As i wouldnt be happy to collect my LO from her gran etc. I always think access should be between the parents.

Just try speaking to him and say theres been trouble between him chagning times etc and from now on u need regular access that u will both stick to. Dont let urself down by changing the times even if u really do want to. As if he takes u to court it wont make u look to good, tho if it did go to court its ur word against his and vice versa for everything thats happened so far.

 

[tinkabells]

I swear i just wrote an essay and it didnt put it here, i dont think you were being unfair, he seems to chop and change, you have made it very clear and h's the one who messes it up, let him take ya to court, they always say this, as they think it'll scare us!!Be strong love, were all here for ya xxx