Up until I got pregnant I always said I would never BF. I thought it was horrid, and coudn't stand the thought of a baby on my boob; not because I consider them sexual, but because I just hate anything about my boobs. I should add that other people BF never freaked me out; it was just
me BF that I had a problem with
When I started talking to people, they told me there were so many benefits to BF, and then I read up and was persuaded to try. As I got nearer to the birth I was actually excited about trying it. When LO was born, I was BFing, but obstacles came on the second day, and it only got worse from then on. I had milk, but I didn't realise that LO had to latch in a certain way, so I spent 8 hours trying to get her to feed, and ended up in tears because she was hurting me and she was screaming with hunger. The MW only ever said "just keep putting her on", and then I was left to it. You can't keep putting them on and expect to get results if you're not putting them on correctly, so in the end I just gave her a bottle.
Once I got out of hospital I tried to reinstate and found I didn't have much milk left. So I tried to boost my flow, all the time topping up with FF. The same week I had a family emergency that lasted a month, during which my time was taken away from LO, who was being FF by my OH, and I ended up only being able to BF about twice a day, and only having a little bit to give. I would have her on the boob for over an hour, and she would still be ravenous, but I was empty on both sides, which meant I had to top up with FF; but an entire feed's worth; it was like she got
nothing from me.
In the end I was stressing so much, and LO was getting lazy and reluctant to feed, I was starting to resent her for it, even though none of it was her fault. I also realised that I wasn't bonding with her because every feed was a fight, and when she was a month old I made the switch to exclusive FF, and have continued that way since. People say you shouldn't, but I feel like a failure because of it. Everything was working against me, and despite everything I can honestly say I tried. Sometimes I look back and think I could have tried harder, but at the time I remember thinking I was trying my hardest, so I have to keep reminding myself of that. At the end of the day, she's happy and healthy, so that's all I could hope for.
With the next baby (if there is one) I hope to be able to give it more attention than poor Chloe had. She didn't get a full day with me until she was 6 weeks old