Why do I always feel like the bad guy?

[baileybubs]

Hi everyone

I'm a single mum of 2 toddlers, me and my ex split 10 months ago when my son was just under 2 months old. He makes very little effort to see his kids, doesn't seem interested in them apart from when it suits him, and has only just started giving me any money towards them only because I contacted child support services.

So why do I always feel like the bad guy?? At first I used to drive my kids to see him once a week, at his convienince, at a time and day of his choosing. We live about 30 mins drive away from him. But he wasn't giving me any child support and wouldn't even give me any money towards petrol for the drive, so I said we had to start alternating. One week I'd drive them to his parents (his house is an unsuitable environment) and the other he'd get the train and he could have them at my house. I thought this was very fair. Anyway he started cancelling the visits to mine at last minute, or being late, but then still expected me to drive them to his on his weeks. So after a couple of months of this, plus still no child support despite him earning more money than me, I told him he had to prove himself a good father and stop cancelling visits and being late, so he had to always come to mine. At first I felt harsh but I felt he needed to be a father who wanted to see his kids, not just had them because I brought them to him iykwim?

A month after I said that was the last time he saw them as he just stopped coming. I kept asking him week after week if he was coming and he always had an excuse "I dropped my last £10 out of my pocket when I was at the pub last night and didn't realise", "I must have eaten something dodgy coz I'm sick" "I missed the train so there's probably no point getting the next as I have to be back here by 3pm" etc
I started feeling like the bad guy coz he kept saying that if I would just drive them to him then he'd be able to see his kids. But shouldn't he be willing to walk across coals to see them?? Shouldn't he want to do everything in his power to see them?

So after not even sending a card for dds birthday 3 months ago, just a FB message wishing her happy birthday (she's 2!) he then tried to invite himself to my sons birthday party which was with all my friends and family at my house. He hasn't seen the kids for 5 months and decided that he was coming coz his parents were. I told him and his parents that he wasn't welcome at the party.
I also said he could come down earlier in the day or another day no problem, but he has chosen not to because that would involve spending money on the train fare (and believe me he earns enough to be able to spend £10 on the return ticket he just chooses to spend it on himself and his addictions).

So why am I still left feeling like the bad guy all the time? I have basically begged him to be a father to these kids but unless i deliver them to his door, with all the items they would need he won't see them.

Does anyone else feel like this? I just think my kids deserve a father who can be bothered, not one who will only see them when it suits him!

 

[Feff]

I know the feeling 100%. It's getting better lately but it still makes me annoyed that I feel bad for my daughters dad not making an effort lol! He never asked about her or never saw her until she was about 17 months old and then he only started seeing her because I got in touch with him first. I took her to his house, took nappies, wipes, a drink, food because he never offered her anything but he never gave me a penny. He was useless, rarely even spoke to her just chucked her on the settee and put the TV on for her. I told him he could go to a contact centre to see her after about 4 months of me doing everything for him to see her, not getting a penny off him (not that I wanted his money but the offer would've been appreciated). The last straw was he had time off college and said in front of the baby he would see her in the week (after I dropped him off when we took her to the cinema) and he didn't see her. When I asked him why he said that he must have forgot.. that was the last time he saw her, about 4 months ago I think? No card or present or even a text on her birthday either.

Sorry for the essay lol just showing you however much effort we make we still feel like the bad people! We just want the best for our kids and if what we think is the best, like them seeing their dads, doesn't happen then we feel bad. I know a lot of people who feel the same too sadly! But it does get better, it has for me definitely!

 

[baileybubs]

Thanks Hun, it doesn't help me that I still try having conversations with him and expect an adult answer, he still believes his excuses are valid and that its ok to not see your kids coz you haven't got money for train fare (yet he still smokes and most likely still drinks). And then he makes me feel bad because I don't drive them to see him (mainly because I don't have the spare money for petrol seen as I support the kids on my own!).

I just feel bad for my kids and don't want them growing up to think their dad doesn't care about them, truth is he's just lazy and selfish, and he thinks that I should be helping him to see his kids when he can't be arsed making any effort himself.

I think what I need to do is just stop entering into conversations with him unless absolutely necessary or just to tell him that the kids are fine whenever he does bother to ask. For a month or so he was out of work so used that as an excuse not to come and see the kids (apparently if I wasn't so "hell bent" on getting petrol money from him he'd be able to see his kids!). But he's been in work again for a month now yet hasn't even mentioned coming to see them.

I worry about when he finally decides he does want to have them and look after them by himself, because I won't allow him to take them away now, he hasn't seen them for so long he won't know how to look after them and they won't know who he is! If he ever seriously does want to make effort I'm going to tell him he has to see them with me here once a week at least for a couple of months so they get used to him again. But again then I feel like the bad guy coz I will be telling him he can't take his own kids.

 

[baileybubs]

It's sad isn't it that we try so hard to get them to just be a parent, but they just aren't interested or want everything doing for them. I'm sorry your ex is the same as mine, and that you feel like the bad guy at times too.