Why do women fall pregnant when they give up trying?

[BBgirl]

I've read so many stories of women falling pregnant shortly after they give up trying. What is it about "trying" that makes it so difficult to get pregnant? I fell pregnant so quickly at 39 and 40, each time only taking 2 cycles. We just assumed it would work and were pretty relaxed. Sadly we lost both to miscarriages. Now, at 41 I feel that we're trying so hard it's affecting every aspect of my life. I'm using the opk's and preseed plus trying to do it every other day from day 6 plus the smiley face plus day after smiley face. But no joy. I'm starting to realise we don't get everything we want in life and I'm breaking my heart. So I am on the verge of giving up. We were thinking to try IVF in the spring, but I'm scared to go through more heartache. I wonder if the trying is affecting my hormones or my OH's sperm count when we bd? Any ideas?

 

[40yearoldmum]

God I could have written this post!! I'm trying to chill the same. Have gone back to every other day BD even with the positive OPK. Next month I will not do Opks either just check my CM and temp rise then leave the thermometer alone too. I've just raised enough dosh for IVF so maybe jan we'll do that, I feel the same as you though if IVF failed I would be really low. So I wonder whether not to bother. I have this thing in my head that yes, we are old Im 41 may. So it will be harder but its not unlikely either its just how long it takes, I sort of on good days think that IVF will pull out say, 9 - 10 eggs so that's 10 months of eggs!!! Then I think oh just leave it!! Nightmare isn't it. I feel for you, your pain and post makes me feel saner, like someone out there is going through the same. Not that I'm wishing it on you, it just gives me compfort that I have similar feelings to someone else and I'm not a maniac!!
People will keep saying oh relax it'll happen and yes I know they are right but how can we do that...we know so much about our cycles, even if I din't count days I'd know just by the way I feel!! I wish I din't know all this, its like smoking (I gave up five years ago) I still want one now and again and sometimes feel resentful that I gave up, now if I'd never smoked I'd never know how it feels to miss a smoke.
Bex

 

[Pixxie]

It's the stress that stops you but it's hard not to stress when you want it so badly! I fell pregnant the month after I gave up xxx

 

[FutureMommie]

I think when you really really give up trying then you are no longer stressing, or counting days, temping, using opks so that is why it happens. Those people that say don't stress have no idea how easy it is to say that but when you are the one going thru it no matter how hard you try it's almost impossible. sometimes I think it consumes my days.

 

[NickyT75]

the worst thing anyone can say to you is "dont stress & it will happen" etc... coz you feel like its the ONLY thing that matters in your life so how on earth can you possibly "put it to the back of your mind" ???

I know this from experience & honestly felt like killing the next person who told me to "relax"

it took me almost 5yrs to be blessed with my little girl & im 35 so believe me I know how it feels to think your biological clock is ticking away like a time bomb...

but I NEVER EVER in a million years thought id be one of those annoying people who started spouting the same stuff that drove me crazy *sorry* but the truth is... after suffering unexplained infertility & then having problems with low sperm count we were told we'd need IUI but as im overweight we were not entitled to any help from the NHS

our marriage was suffering so devastated we decided to stop TTC & booked a holiday to Ibiza last summer to unwind & let our hair down as we'd given up pretty much all of lifes pleasures in a bid to get pregnant

and guess what????

I got pregnant naturally before we went (the holiday was awful as I had the most horrendous morning sickness for the entire time which was diagnosed as hyperemesis when we got home but it was definately a price worth paying)

I wish you all the luck in the world ladies I really do

but remember that stress is your worst enemy right now xxx

 

[Dollface]

I understand how stress can affect ttc. Trust me. But when you not only HAVE to opk, and get the timing perfect, you have to make sure your donor is available, then the ways to actually GET the swimmies in there... Then all you can think about is hoping it worked this time, and are you feeling a symptom, what was that "twinge". It pretty much becomes ALL you think about. There is no relaxing, and letting it happen naturally. It gets so scary! ARRGH!!

 

[seoj]

I feel, no matter what the situation, there is always going to be a level of stress that comes along with TTC Regardless... BUT... for some woman, they can become consumed by the process. Which can affect not only your mental health, but that it turns affects your body. It's all connected. I've read posts from plenty of woman who conceived while actively trying... so I think it just all depends on so many factors.

But if TTC has become your world and it's pretty much all you think about, I do feel this can affect you- Mind over matter and all that. It's hard to find a good balance though... we are women, we want to feel like we are doing all we can... but to the same extent, we need to let the rest go. There is only so much control we have over this process. Most is just timing or what have you...

After being so sure we'd done it last month- I struggle with how much I want to "try" this month. LOL. I don't want to NOT try- haha, but maybe we just ignore the OPKs and "best time to DTD" and just do it enough to cover our basis and let everything else go... with the Holidays and family and friends and my bday this month- I just don't have the energy to think about everything!

Maybe I take up meditation more this month... read a good book... just live my life and enjoy all the wonderful things I do have. When it's my time, it WILL happen.

Best of luck to all you ladies... may all your Christmas wishes come true!!!!

 

[FBbaby]

I could have written this too! I fell pregnant first month ttc, I was trying then because I was already using the CBFM, but I had no expectations at all to fall pregnant that cycle. I had it in my mind it would take 6 months or so, so was totaly gobsmacked when it happened then. Unfortunately, miscarried, went into obession mode afterwards and... 18 months later, still not one bfp.... we've found out since that OH SA is not optimal and there is of course my age, but still not explaining why 18 months later it still hasn't happened again.

This stress business is really interesting. If I can definitely say I was on a mission when we first started again, after at least a year, especially after our first FS, I did really start to relax. I gave up the monitor, the thermometer, stopped getting all anxious when OH gave up his vits or when he had a few drinks, didn't panic when we only bd once around ov, but still it didn't happen.

The problem with this giving up malarky is that when you get to the stage of being aware that it could happen after you give up, do you trully stop believing that it could happen? You can only really give up if you trully believe your chances are totally gone. I have tried so many times to convince myself it was time to give up, but never managed it, even got to the point of begging myself to be there rather than to fall pregnant without success, but I think I might be on the edge of it. For the first time since ttc, I feel I am ready to turn to ntnp, and really ntnp and feel that this not out of desperation (or another tactic to try), but really wanting to. I don't believe it will help me get pregnant, let's face it, we are not 20 any longer and unless we think of baby making, bd regime is about once a week, so chances of getting a bfp whilst ntnp are going to be even lower, but I am finally accepting that ttc didn't do it for us anyway and at leat with
ntnp, i hope to drop that weight I have been carrying on my shoulders for way too many months as all ttcers do.

I've read all situations going on, some who trully gave up ttc and fell pregnant then against all odds, those who continued their battles with ttc and fell pregnant after years of it, suddenly, even though they did nothing different that cycle, and those who continued and those who gave up for whom it just never did happen. In the end, I think Mother Nature has a lot to respond to....

 

[mrsessex]

Its just a conception lottery

Stress or no stress has nothing to do with it

If the conditions are right inside the woman and the sperm is determined... bingo

Sounds basic ...but it is what it is

 

[BBgirl]

Thanks girls for all your kind words. It helps so much to realise I am not alone with this struggle. I gave up my career because the strain was getting too much after my second miscarriage. I'm going to try and retrain in something else now to try and take my mind off it a bit. I think timing has so much to do with it, but also we can't guarantee the outcome even with perfect timing. It is a lottery because it depends on there being a good egg on the cycle that has perfect timing...I have had a few funny periods, they came several days early and were much heavier than usual, whereas last year I was regular as clockwork. So maybe sperm is meeting egg but egg is a dud! The fertility consultant said that 60% of eggs at my age are abnormal (I'm 41). I am sending you all Babydust for Christmas. We're going to get a kitten when we move house in the New Year xxx

 

[aob1013]

Maybe because they aren't so focused on getting pregnant anymore? So the body and mind relaxes.

 

[sarahincanada]

hi everyone
ive also heard that same thing, so I believe stress does play a part. my best friend had a miscarriage at 6 weeks when she was 37, then tried for a full year for another. She decided to have a break and that was the month she conceived. her baby was born in august.
im 38 and we have been loosely trying since feb, but only the past 3 months I have been tracking my period and using the ovulation tests. I dont feel stressed, even though I want to have a baby Im not obsessed over it at all. I have my first appointment with a fertility specialist on monday, we both did blood tests for our appointment so hoping something will show up if theres something amiss. I think I may have low progesterone as I spot for a couple of days before my period, and have heavy clotty periods.
good luck to everyone trying

 

[BBgirl]

Do cats get along with Jack Russells? That amazes me! I've got 2 cats too and we'd like a dog too, we thought about a spaniel.

 

[mamamay]

I was TTC for 2.5 years and me and my OH had two months off from our busy stressful jobs, spent some time enjoying ourselves and just worrying nothing else and I fell pregnant at the end of those two months, I really believe that the reduction in stress and not planning my life around Ov days and waiting for AF to arrive helped a lot! xx

 

[FBbaby]

that's brilliant news mamamay, congratulations. Just one question, how did you get after all this time to trully forget about it. Did you really had no idea when you were about to ovulate, and/or didn't feel the urge to still bd at the right time, and did you really not know why AF was due?

I so wish i could let go and trully not think about it, and before AF comes, i do feel that I am ready for it, then AF comes, and I just can't let go. I know exactly when I am due to ovulate as I am very regular and get strong ovulation pressure, so can't imagine not bding then, when in any case, i always do enjoy it anyway!

Is there something we can do beside hitting our head with a hammer than can really make you forget about your cycle?

 

[xMissxZoiex]

i really think that it is simply stress relief when you stop trying and stressing ever 2 miins about being pregnant! but it is super super hard to do when all you want is a baby! x

 

[Mellybelle]

Its just a conception lottery

Stress or no stress has nothing to do with it

If the conditions are right inside the woman and the sperm is determined... bingo

Sounds basic ...but it is what it is

I agree. Earlier this year I lost my brother. It was the most stressful time of my life, I didnt eat or sleep, just drank and smoked. Obviously I still ovulated 2 weeks after his funeral, because 3 weeks later I noticed my period was late and tested and BFP. Just like that. Unfortunately, baby died at 14weeks.
Now I dont smoke, rarely drink, and am actively TTC. 9 cycles in and nothing. Heres hoping we all get that winning conception lottery ticket this month!

 

[BBgirl]

hi Mellybelle. I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. It sounds like you've had a really awful time of it. I also don't think stress impedes conception from a female perspective: I was off work with stress the two times I conceived at 39 and 40 and I remember feeling dreadful at the time. I'm having a harder time conceiving now though after the 2 miscarriages. I used the Clearblue digital ovulation kit the previous 2 times and conceived after just 2 cycles of trying on each occasion. I do wonder though if stress affects a man's sperm count more, because that could explain why couples who take a break from TTC get pregnant so quickly, i.e. if it's the male effect. Because my OH notices the difference when he's better rested and more relaxed, plus I've read that when men provide sperm samples after masturbating in a clinic the sperm has poorer quality and quantity than it has during bd. I've had a break from opk's but at 41 I think I need every bit of help, so am back to Clearblue opk and first cycle of trying Preseed. Next cycle it's epo. We're only trying for 3 more cycles then it's IVF, but it's £3000 a go and has a poor success rate at my age. It's so depressing, I wish I hadn't met my OH so late because all the time I had a great career I was really only wanting to be a mummy!

 

[sarahincanada]

Do cats get along with Jack Russells? That amazes me! I've got 2 cats too and we'd like a dog too, we thought about a spaniel.

hi sorry just saw this!
we have 3 cats and 3 jacks! jacks do have a natural drive to run after anything thats moving, but for the most part they all get along great. We've had a few incidents where the cat has been running fast as the door bell has rung and one of the jacks goes after it, but the jack usually stops once the cat swats it.

 

[TaeBoMama]

I haven't read any replies, but I don't believe the stress of TTC is what is holding most folks back from conceiving. Stress can have an affect on ovulation, though. But if you ovulate and the sperm are deposited at the right time, I don't think the sperm are going to swim up to the egg and say, "I can't penetrate the egg because its owner is probably stressing about it." I think we hear a lot about people conceiving after they give up, because pregnancy has a higher chance of happening the longer we have unprotected sex (whether we're "trying" or not), and so by the time they have given up, they are getting closer to that BFP.