Why does it do this??

[Cassie10]

I haven't posted much over here so the short story is I lost my little girl on June 30 at 14w3d due to Turner's Syndrome.

I have been doing so well here lately. I have been in therapy and I feel like I've made tons of progress in healing.

Then this morning I wake up crying. I had a dream about Brailynn and it is like I am right back where I was 2 months ago. Everything I've tried so hard not to think about has just crashed right back into my head.

It is so unfair... and I'm so angry right now. I would have been a great mother to Brailynn. I would have showed her more love then I can even explain... but that chance was taken away from me.

I feel so incredibly empty right now... I feel like I am back in the doctor's office hearing the horrible news for the first time all over again.

Sorry... I'm just rambling now. I just wanted to know I guess if it is normal for it to all suddenly come back and hit you like a ton of bricks? Because I don't feel very normal right now...

 

[daopdesign]

Hey hun, I know how you feel. I have days where I just burst into tears and there have been some mornings I wake and start to fill up because of my loss. Let it out, it's the best thing to do than keep your feelings bottled up. It does get easier with time but it will always be with us and something we will in time, learn to live with. I'm sorry for your loss I hope knowing others have been through a similar situation helps you, even just a little xx

 

[Cassie10]

Thank you... It does help knowing there are others I can talk to about this. It breaks my heart at the same time though. I hate that anyone has to feel like this.

I feel like everyone around me is tired of hearing about it. I know that may not be true because my husband is amazing and would let me talk about her anytime I wanted but I just feel like this is my problem and I don't want to bother anyone else with it. That's why I mostly keep everything in.

I'm just having a hard time keeping it in today... and I'm stuck at work until tomorrow morning so thank you for listening to me and letting me get it all out. I really do appreciate it.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Thank you... It does help knowing there are others I can talk to about this. It breaks my heart at the same time though. I hate that anyone has to feel like this.

I feel like everyone around me is tired of hearing about it. I know that may not be true because my husband is amazing and would let me talk about her anytime I wanted but I just feel like this is my problem and I don't want to bother anyone else with it. That's why I mostly keep everything in.

I'm just having a hard time keeping it in today... and I'm stuck at work until tomorrow morning so thank you for listening to me and letting me get it all out. I really do appreciate it.

Reality is this pain is never going away My husband and I had a fight this morning, i know he loves me and I know he means well but he just feels like I should have moved on more within these 6 months and that kills me inside/ We said mean things to each other this morning. I called him cold and said he didn't love Ava as much as me cause i go more to her grave then he does I know I should not have said that but I wont lie it is how I feel. People don't understand that life yes goes on but it takes time a lot of time for us to move on with it, I think if one more person tells me how I should feel i am going to flip the F out Believe me it creeps up on you this pain just when you think you have had a good day, i am so sorry you are going through this, i really am

 

[daopdesign]

I know how you feel. Although I had my family around me I don't know what I would have done without this forum. My partners great to, I mean he went through the same thing with me but I can't express myself to my family because I know they don't really wanna talk about it. But that's fine with me.

It's an awful upsetting thing to go through and I don't think anyone truly understands unless they have been through a similar thing.

We do just have to move on and try to look at the future with a positive eye. For me, I am just content with hoping I get pregnant again. It hasn't been an easy ride but I can't give up. After my loss I thought the big ugly cloud hovering over me would never go but it has done and I am coping well. You just have to don't you xx

 

[collie_crazy]

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this - its so unfair we have to feel like this

I think there must be something about today because from reading the forum there have been a few of us having a really bad day - me being one of them.

Its 6 weeks today since we said goodbye to Emily and I had thought that I was 'coping' better day to day. I think in reality what is happening is that I am getting better at putting a brave face on and infact getting so good at it that sometimes I can fool myself when in reality I am still torn to pieces inside and eventually that just has to find an outlet. Today I feel like I am right back there - 6 weeks ago and its been like a huge slap in the face.

I went to the cemetery today and sat there for ages just properly sobbing -then an uncontrollable rage came over me. I dont understand! Why us? We would have loved our babies - more than words can even express - so why did this have to happen to us? What did we do? What did our babies do? So innocent so unfair

And I dont know. How do we get over this? Do we keep going on 'coping' pretending that everything is ok? Until eventually we do believe it? I feel like I am going insane sometimes.

I feel that I cant talk to anyone about anymore. My family have stopped mentioning it and seem to cringe when I mention Emilys name or that I was at the cemetery. For them - they have moved on. They have other worries now. Even my sister wont mention her name - she had spoken before about buying a nice windmill for her grave but when I mentioned it today she tried to change the subject. They just dont want to talk about it. My partner does still - I know he still hurts. And I'm sorry if this sounds horrible or mean of me but I dont think the dads really go through the same as us mothers - I think they bond more with their children when they are here - when they have something physical they can hold. But for me my bond started the minute I got those 2 lines on that pregnancy test. I carried her for 17 weeks and constantly thought of her. I dont suppose its the same for the dads. Oh I dont know. Maybe they do hurt just as much but try to be strong for us? I just look at my OH sometimes and think he is getting on with it much better than I am - putting it behind him and I just cant

I would be lost without BnB and all you lovely ladies - as much as it breaks my heart the reason we have all been brought together - I couldnt be without you all

 

[Imalia]

It's completely normal. We're almost 14 months on from losing our angel at 20 weeks, and there are still some days when out of the blue it hits me like a ton of bricks and I'm a complete mess.

 

[kiki04]

Thank you... It does help knowing there are others I can talk to about this. It breaks my heart at the same time though. I hate that anyone has to feel like this.

I feel like everyone around me is tired of hearing about it. I know that may not be true because my husband is amazing and would let me talk about her anytime I wanted but I just feel like this is my problem and I don't want to bother anyone else with it. That's why I mostly keep everything in.

I'm just having a hard time keeping it in today... and I'm stuck at work until tomorrow morning so thank you for listening to me and letting me get it all out. I really do appreciate it.

Reality is this pain is never going away My husband and I had a fight this morning, i know he loves me and I know he means well but he just feels like I should have moved on more within these 6 months and that kills me inside/ We said mean things to each other this morning. I called him cold and said he didn't love Ava as much as me cause i go more to her grave then he does I know I should not have said that but I wont lie it is how I feel. People don't understand that life yes goes on but it takes time a lot of time for us to move on with it, I think if one more person tells me how I should feel i am going to flip the F out Believe me it creeps up on you this pain just when you think you have had a good day, i am so sorry you are going through this, i really am

Me and OH had a huge fight today too Then he told me he doesnt wanna have another baby and that was the only thing I was holding onto for hope and something to look forward too. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes not knowing if he said it out of anger, said it to hurt me, or really doesnt wanna try again People just dont understand what losing a child does to someone!!1 It has changed my marriage and not for the better... I thought I was doing better but then BAM! I fell right back to as low as I can get I know just how you are all feeling and I too am so sorry you ever had to feel this pain cuz it is absolutely the worst pain ever and no one should EVER have to go through this I need counselling.. I know this now

 

[Cassie10]

Gosh... I am so terribly sorry we are all having such rough days! Today has by far been the worst one I've had since very early on in this nightmare.

I think it is true that maybe I'm not truly feeling better... I am just getting better and better at putting on a happy face and maybe sometimes I even convince myself I am ok.

But I am definetly not ok... I had a full blown panic attack earlier. It was horrible but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop thinking about her and the pain I feel all the time. I constantly have this feeling in my gut that something is missing.

I'm sorry also for you ladies that have had disagreements with your OHs. I know none of you need any added stress right now and arguing definetly brings on some stress!

I think that they hurt just as bad as we do but maybe in a different way? My hubby even told me that he hurts but that he knows it is more difficult for me because I had to go through all the physical part and I actually carried her.

I just sincerely hope that one day we all can find some kind of peace. I don't think I can handle many more days like today.