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Why does this upset me so much...

Spudtastic

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I live in nz. I'm from England. I don't get to see my parents often so I love it when they come to see me

I had my second baby 11 days ago and i also have a little bit of the baby blues. My parents arrived last week. They're great because they play with dd1 but they don't do much else, cooking, cleaning etc. This morning I'm trying to settle dd2 with a list of cleaning to do whilst they are waiting for me to be ready to go out.

Then this is the bit that makes me want to cry....I'm on the sofa cluster feeding my little one and my dad asks if he can use the eggs I bought. I say yes. He cooks my mum and himself some boiled eggs for breakfast whilst I'm sat on he sofa. It didn't even cross his mind to ask if I wanted some. I always ask him if I'm making breakfast.
I can't say anything because my dad's response would be 'I'm going back to england'. It's the same with lunch and tea too. I've just had a baby so I thought now they'd think of me.
 
Oh Hun, hugs

That does sound really hard. If you don't feel like you can say anything to them how about next time responding with something like "sure, while you're at it can you do one for me too"

You're right, you shouldn't need to ask but that might be a way around it?
 
I was about to say what the above poster suggested. Men do not think like women and he won't have even thought about you. If they make food again just say mum/dad will you make me some XXX whilst you make yours. Not that it's an excuse but I bet they think theyre on holiday too so dont have to do the usual chores etc. When your not feeling as emotional maybe ask your mum for some help too with whatever it is you would like them to do. I know my mum works best if I say can you do ....whatever it is I want doing!
 
Thanks jodilee. I may try that.
I know when I was a teenager living at home and it was my birthday my dad asked my younger brother if he wanted an omelette. I then said I'd like one too and my dad said 'I wasn't asking you'. So we'll see. It sounds terrible but he does care really. But not in these ways.
 
His behavior can not be excused. That is beyond rude and inconsiderate. And most men DO know common courtesy!

"I then said I'd like one too and my dad said 'I wasn't asking you'"

This is not a normal response. I suspect there are other issues going on here. You have every right to be upset, and I would definitely speak up. You deserve respect.
 
It upsets you because it is at the very least thoughtless and at the most rude.

Are they staying with you? If they are they should be doing the cooking and cleaning and looking after you, you've just had a baby, you shouldn't be hosting guests who are being a burden and not a help.

Hell, if you live anywhere near me I will come and vacuum your house!
 
I would be upset too. It was very inconsiderate and very rude :hugs:
 
Thanks ladies. Baby blues are terrible. I cry at a lot of things at the moment. Yes my parents are staying with me. I had a chat with my mum and suggested she cook for three nights a week (which is the arrangement we had last year).

Zephrem - yes please I'd love you to vacuum lol.
 
I don't think that is just down to baby blues. I'd be seriously pissed off at that and couldn't help but say something! How's he suppose to change (and stop being so rude!) if he doesn't know he's doing something wrong? His loss if he wants to go back to England.

I'm sorry you're having to put up with this with a new baby :hugs:
 
I don't keep much in so I'd probably be like 'oh thanks for asking il just sit here and feed my baby starving' then I'd probably make everyone feel awkward.
You are his child no matter what age so it doesn't matter if that offends him a little you are giving him hospitality and he should be helping.
 
Oh my gosh, if they are staying with you, they should be cooking every meal for you and they should be helping with tasks around the house. They aren't there to be entertained. They are there to support you.

I'm in a similar position in terms of living far from my family. We live in England and my family is in the U.S. Generally, when they come to visit (when I haven't just had a baby, I should point out) I do all the cooking (mom is a terrible cook!) but my mom cleans and helps out around the house with anything I ask. When I just had my daughter, they came out when she was 6 weeks old. On our request, they stayed at a holiday cottage in our village rather than with us because it was just too much to have longterm house guests with such a small baby. They came to visit during the day. I think my mom made us lunch most days and she cleaned and then when it was dinner time, they went home to their own house down the street to cook for themselves and leave us alone to have dinner and go to bed. One night they also invited us over to their house and cooked us dinner and we didn't have to do anything. It really helped.

It's so hard to have a new baby, be so tired and overwhelmed and to also have to take care of other people. They should know that without you having to tell them. But if they aren't working it out for themselves, do pull your mum aside (or your dad, whoever you feel you can have that conversation with) and be honest that you are really exhausted and struggling at the moment and you really need extra help. And then give them a specific list of things to do - go do food shopping and cook meals for the next two days, take your older LO to the park to play so you can rest in the afternoon when baby does, clean the kitchen, do the wash, make sure the dishes are done. They might feel like they are overstepped their bounds by taking charge and doing these things without being asked, so tell them. I would imagine they'll want to help if they know what to do. If not, then next time, when they come to visit, they need to stay elsewhere to at least give you some space so you don't have to entertain them.
 
They are being incredibly selfish. I was in a similar situation as yourself. From the UK but was living in the USA. I purposefully told both sets of parents we were not hosting visitors until the six week mark because I wanted my own space to bond. Both our mothers came out at different points abs they both helped, cooking, some cleaning, minding baby so I could nap. My Mil has Ms and she even found thngs to do to help even if it was just sitting peeling potatoes.

Honestly I'd point them in the direction of a hotel.
 
Sorry - my mom is exactly the same! Does pretty much nothing, and, if anything, complains about being bored/us not entertaining her. She has also told us NOT to come visit them as it would be too stressful (so we haven't been in 2 years). My MIL, on the other hand, does help a lot when she is around (every 1.5 yrs on average only however). FIL does nothing.
 
I live close to my parents so we had visitors most days, I just outright asked people to do things. I made a rule that no one could visit unless they did one small task - maybe making a round of teas, changing a nappy, and I always sent my parents away with a bag of washing!
 
I almost had a breakdown when I had ds and my mum came to stay. I had a 2.5 yr old and a 2 week old baby after a cs. Mum didn't do a lot to help while she was here. Just said to me several times a day I'll have another coffee when you're ready. Spilt a cup of coffee on the cream carpet and said I've spilt my drink can you clean it up? When you're ready of course. So there I was 2 weeks post cs on my knees cleaning it up with a bowl of soapy water nearly in tears. I had a newborn, toddler, myself and my mother to look to after and after 4 days I broke down in tears in a supermarket car park with dh and said enoughs enough, went home and told her I was ok now and didn't need any more help so she could go back as I wanted to get dd back to her play groups and seeing friends ie her usual routine. She took it ok and left the next day. Not the experience I was hoping for. A bit of tlc would have been quite nice but not to be. She did hold the baby which was helpful when I wanted a shower or something so it wasn't all bad.
 
Wow, that is absolutely shocking! If I were you, I would be putting my parents in a cab and sending them off to the airport to go home.
 

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