Why I Was Honest with My Kid About His Friend's Bad Behavior

[Wobbles]

"For starters, the kid acts like a preschooler even though he's in first grade."... to read the article click HERE!

Would you handle the situation the same or differently?

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* This article is written by blogger bad sandy!

 

[MommyJogger]

I'd have to know what the behavior was to know for sure, but I'm going to go with probably differently.
Kids mature at different paces, but one of the important ways they learn appropriate behavior is through varied peer interactions. Her kid would probably be annoyed by any actual inappropriate behavior, and he would later decide not to behave the same. His friend would likely pick up on the annoyance and naturally adjust his behavior to win the favor of a valued peer. But no one learns anything if a parent is sitting there vetting who her child gets to play with and picking only kids that behave to her (likely unreasonable if 6 is considered an "older kid") standards.
I don't believe in picking my kids' friends. I believe in building a strong foundation for my kid to build his own choices from and desperately trying to keep open communication so that they feel like they could talk to me about a problem they need help with and don't feel they have to hide their behavior. (The day my mom told me it was inappropriate for a girl to play kick ball with the boys was the day I stopped telling her about what I did at recess. It became a habit and I naturally gravitated to telling her about only the least interesting things that happened at school.)
If I'm not allowing a 6yo to play with a friend he likes because of the friend's developmentally appropriate behavior, how can I expect the 16yo to be open with me about the behavior of all his friends when they're too old for constant supervision on their "playdates"?
I also think it's important to give kids frequent opportunities to exercise their judgement about a changing situation so that they develop a toolbox full of techniques to gracefully exit or turn a situation around. If I surround them with people who play by strict rules and never step out of line, they will eventually face a situation with someone who pressures them to take part in something stupid and they won't have that valuable experience. Saying "No thanks, let's play this (safer) game instead of beating the crap out of each other with plastic golf clubs" is a good warm-up to "No thanks, I'm not (underage) drinking tonight".

 

[Bex84]

Like pp I would want to know exact behaviour. There is behaviour of friends children I don't like but I wouldent stop my daughter from playing with them (or son when he's older) I would rather teach my child even if someone else does something wrong they can say no and that's what will give them the lesson of how to say no to peer pressure. A friends little boy tried to encourage my little girl just turned 3 at time to run in road. He was 5, my daughter did not as she knew was wrong. I think if you keep children stimulated as well in play dates there are less issues. I set up activities. Does the author even know if reason for behaviour. I would also say there is a wide range in age. For example when my daughter starts school she will have turned 4 shortly before where as her peers could be turning 5. My son when he starts school will turn 5 on first week back. A year makes a difference

 

[Tiff]

Its tough for us as Claire's Autism prevents her from understanding social cues/behaviours. Unfortunately, I've had to tell her that she can't play with certain kids because they're just downright mean to her.

She doesn't see it, bless her heart. But I do, and it very much bothers me. And until she can learn the social cues when someone either doesn't want to play with her or the behaviours they're doing aren't nice then personally I feel I have to intervene.

She's had kids be physically violent with her, and she still doesn't pick it up.

I don't believe in picking a kid apart though. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. But I do tell her that sometimes people's personalities clash and that doesn't make anyone bad/mean... just means you find friends who you mesh with better.

(In kiddo terms, of course. And as much as she can understand that with her Autism).

 

[Bex84]

Its tough for us as Claire's Autism prevents her from understanding social cues/behaviours. Unfortunately, I've had to tell her that she can't play with certain kids because they're just downright mean to her.

She doesn't see it, bless her heart. But I do, and it very much bothers me. And until she can learn the social cues when someone either doesn't want to play with her or the behaviours they're doing aren't nice then personally I feel I have to intervene.

She's had kids be physically violent with her, and she still doesn't pick it up.

I don't believe in picking a kid apart though. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. But I do tell her that sometimes people's personalities clash and that doesn't make anyone bad/mean... just means you find friends who you mesh with better.

(In kiddo terms, of course. And as much as she can understand that with her Autism).

Your poor daughter. It broke my heart other day when we took daughter to a party and she tried to dance with another little girl and the girl kept pushing her away and pushing daughter out of group play. My daughter could not understand when she was being nice why the girl was being horrible as she wouldent do it to another child. I can understand saying not to play with children in those circumstances. Kids can be mean and my daughter sees best in people. Did anyone watch secret life of 4 year olds on CH 4 it was very interesting in social dynamics

 

[Tiff]

Aww Bex, that's heartbreaking too!!! None of us obviously want to see stuff like that, its gut-wrenching.

I'm not across the pond, so I didn't see it... but I wonder if I can find it online. Might just do that tbh. I don't doubt it in the slightest, I've seen things with my kiddo that have floored me and been sooooo upsetting.

At her birthday party this year, one of the kids invited got angry when told they had to play with her (she wanted them to). Like really? You're okay to come to her party, have fun with the stuff we've planned, eat our food but mad that she asked you to play with her?

Then they got mad that I wouldn't let them eat the fondant characters from her cake. They're Claire's. Not anyone else's. This was after the whole irritation with being told to play with her (not by me mind you, by this kiddo's mom).

And yet she still desperately tries to play with them anytime she sees them. She just can't see the bad. Its awful.

Woah, went off on a tangent there. Sorry.

 

[Bex84]

My daughter is same she just doesn't see the bad (she's not autistic but seems to inherited my slightly socially awkuid genes I think). I recognise myself so much and remember the rejection. It hurts to see them hurt and you see those cliques forming early. My daughter will stick up for any one whose been hurt, is younger or needs help. I worry as I don't want her to be unhappy at school and pushed around but on other hand I'm proud she is kind to others and has a sweet nature.
Kids like you just describe do my head in, I taught reception and year one (4-7 years) before had my eldest, and there were some children that were horrid to others. I gave up most of my lunchtime everyday to go play playground games and teach kids how to play nicely as there was a little group of very dominant children who like to exclude others. I am happy my lo will play with anyone.
Your poor daughter at her party. I do think girls can be worse than boys

 

[jd83]

I think to me, it would very much depend on what behavior was deemed as "bad", and something that should have been progressed from. If its just playing roughly, being a bit wild while playing, no, I would not keep my child from playing with his friend. Unless the child was playing rough enough that it continuously hurt my child while playing.

However, if the behavior was being mean to other kids, hurting other kids on purpose, the way toddlers/preschoolers sometimes do to get what they want, they yes, I would intervene and say that's no the type of friends we need to be having. By school age, if kids are still acting that way, it can easily become a bullying problem, not just preschooler behavior of wanting an item right away, so taking it from others.

It's hard to say one way or the other without having an exact scenario of what was deemed too bad of behavior for her child to play with. But yes, I would say I do plan to keep my kids from playing with kids that behave like bullies, hurting other children intentionally. That's not acceptable, and not a trait I want my children thinking is okay. So if it were something like that, yes I would agree. But if it were just general rough-housing play that was just too much for her to handle, no I think that's overstepping a bit to keep them apart.