Why the obsession with gender?

[Persephone]

I don't get it, people keep asking me what gender I'm hoping for etc, and I have to say, having thought about it I honestly couldn't care less! Someone said to me the other day "that'll be because you've had a miscarriage [I only told people about the first of our losses, I couldn't face it after that] - people who have miscarriages don't care what sex they're having as they're so worried about the baby dying".

Aside from the fact that I was more than a little taken aback at the abruptness of this person, it made me wonder - do people who haven't had a loss care more about what gender their baby is?

We're not going to find out at any of our scans and the surprise some people have expressed (bordering on outrage in one case) really shocked me. Honestly I could not care less what gender our baby is, I am just thankful that we have managed to get this far!

What are your thoughts on this?

 

[hb1]

I think a majority of people just work thru the stereotypical cliches when talking about pg, how big or small you are, if you're tired "just wait till the baby's here" or "how are you going to cope when the baby's here"!!, if you're eating chocolate or snacks there'll be comments on that, if not there'll be other comments, whether you'll pop early or late and of course gender - whether you're finding out or not - whether you're right to find out or not, if you're not finding out ( or running up to your scan ) loads of guessing if it's a boy or girl and what you would prefer - I think it's just a case of ignoring it or it will really get to you - I don't think folk can help themselves!!

I did find out and I got a lot of "wouldn't you like a surprise" and expression of what a shame it was that we were finding out - you really can't win whatever you do!!

As for the person who brought up you mc - that's extremely insensitive - would've had a hard time biting my tongue with them!

I don't know if having a loss has impacted me gender-wise - even with my first pg I think I would've been happy really either way - would've still found out at my 20week scan but that's an inability to keep a secret - v much like that when giving people presents at christmas - just can't wait for them to open them!!

hx

 

[Kess]

We wouldn't have really cared on our first pregnancy either tbh. My SMIL asked us what sex we wanted, and I said I don't care. She wouldn't believe me, but I wouldn't be pushed into an answer. Tbh part of me would have preferred a girl (and maybe still would) but I'll be over the moon either way, and there was no way I was telling my SMIL anyway as it might be "accidentally" told to the child when s/he's older.

I think I care slightly less this time, as a living healthy baby just seems so much higher a priority. I think perhaps it is a common thing when we have been faced with tragedy to have "healthy and living" further forwards in our minds than "girl or boy".

I still really want to know, though, as a way of bonding more and so I can settle on he or she rather than it. And so if it's a boy we can get on with the naming arguments now, because it's going to take an age to agree on one, whereas we've picked a girl's name!

 

[kimbotrav]

hi im the same i have had 4mmc and i really dont care what the sex is as long as its healthy and we manage to get our lil miracle......people are so narrow minded sometimes or jsut maybe a way of making conversation i supose...who knows lol xxxx

 

[Starry Night]

I don't care which gender we end up with but I'm still excited to know. It's an exciting part of pregnancy. So people ask. I think knowing the gender makes it seem more real to people--especially those not as attached as the parents. I have been asked if we were going to find out and the people who asked are simply interested in us and it's how they can be involved in our lives.

 

[FierceAngel]

everyone kept asking what i wanted and i can honestly say i dont care!!!

the only reason we found out the sex this time was because i needed to prepare if it was a boy.. in my mind after losing charlie.

we have made a descion not to tell people bar our parents what we are having as i dont want people to forget charlie if you know what i mean x

 

[Starry Night]

Yeah, I do dread people making the remark about this baby replacing the one I lost. I don't know if anyone actually would say it, but it's something I fear.

 

[Perdita]

When people say 'don't you want a suprise?' I'm kinda wondering why will it be more of a suprise at the birth than at the scan???
I had assumed I was having another girl so was pretty suprised when told having a boy an didn't quite beleive it despite the fact he has taken every opportunity since to show off his bits to to the midwife doing the scan!
I wasn't disappointed, just suprised, nothing more or less than that.
The thing I found odd was the number of people who assumed I'd be relieved to be having a boy after losing Evie. Why would I be? Then the others that thought I would be disappointed because not having a girl. Again, why would I be??
You ca't replace one child with the next but then I guess until you've been through it it's difficult to understand how it changes how you think about so many things.
If you want to know then find out, if you want to wait then wait - and anyone with an opinion can just keep it to themselves!
xx

 

[Tegans Mama]

I've had two losses and one baby with a disability and I think people are flippant about what the anomaly scan looks for and focus on gender. They don't realise that the scan is done to check for things that may be wrong and not to check if baby is a boy or a girl

 

[hb1]

I've had two losses and one baby with a disability and I think people are flippant about what the anomaly scan looks for and focus on gender. They don't realise that the scan is done to check for things that may be wrong and not to check if baby is a boy or a girl

Very true - this does get forgotten too much

hx