Worried and scared!

[RachA]

Before i start this can i just say that this isn't a discussion on smacking and if it's right or wrong, or whether i did the right or wrong thing. I know i did.


Yesterday i told Daniel off and he had a smack for him behaviour - this was after continual bad behaviour. He carried on and he had another smack. I must of just caught him in the right way or something because now he has a noticeable mark on his face. I know i was wrong in smacking him the second time - i should of just taken him out of the room - but i did.

Now i'm really scared that i'm going to get a call from his school or social services and that fact that i've smacked him is going to put him on some sort of at risk list

 

[smelly07]

IF he tells a school teacher what happened, they have a responsibilty to note it and take what ever action they deem necessary xxx

 

[Feltzy]

Hope everything went ok today. I've lost my patience and smacked Evie's bum a couple of times and I felt sooo guilty after so I know how you feel.

 

[Lucasmum]

Hope its all OK hun, you wont be the first and certainly not the last, we are humans not perfect robots and boy do these kids no what buttons to press at times, Lucas has had more than what smack on the bum and I can promise you that if he continues with the hideous behaviour we have been getting there will be more to come!

 

[kerrie24]

You didnt hit him on his face did you?
Not sure if I read it right x

 

[julietz]

I personaly dont believe in smacking, i have 3 kids and i never smacked 1 of them, i find the taking things away and sending them to their room works best, but im not going to get into it, your only hope is that your child does not tell the teacher because yes they would be concerned and ask you about this, then every time they see a bruise etc they are gona question him, patience is all it takes to deal with a childs behaviour.

 

[freckleonear]

Hope everything is okay. Obviously it is illegal for smacking to leave a mark, so if he mentions it or they notice the mark then it will be considered a safeguarding concern, especially as the mark is on his face. Whether they decide it is significant enough to make a CYPS referral is difficult to say, but if you are asked about it then it's really important to tell the truth.

 

[RachA]

Thanks all.

We are meeting with his teacher tomorrow. We haven't been ask to but we decided, on advice from my brother who was a teacher here for several years before moving abroad to teach, that we aught to talk to her and address the issue head on. It's not going to be easy but we feel it's the right thing to do. I have been in tears pretty much the whole time since yesterday afternoon as i am devastated about what i've done to DS.

While i obviously can't ever justify leaving a mark on DS, and i also don't think that it's right to, i can say that we have honestly tried every method of discipline with him and nothing has ever worked. He doesn't care if he has things or privileges taken away from him, rewards don't work, time outs never have any impact on him and being sent to his room doesn't either. The decision to use smacks wasn't undertaken lightly and i am the first to admit that i've made a right mess of it all.

We are also looking into medical intervention as i am not exaggerating when i say that when DS has a 'meltdown', 'tantrum' or whatever you'll like to call it, nothing will snap him from it. On Monday when all this happened he was throwing things off the sofa and i can honestly say that i think he would of carried on with this behaviour and more than likely broken the tv etc if he had carried on. Although he is only 5 he is the height of a 7-8 year old and when he gets into one of these frenzies i am unable to restrain him by holding onto him (again i am not defending my actions, just saying what he is like). My mum has had 4 children, 2 of which were very difficult children and she's said she has never come across a child who is as willful, strong minded and unresponsive to any form of discipline/positive reinforcement as DS is!

Anyway i will stop digging my own hole now.

 

[Feltzy]

Don't feel bad, you're doing the right thing. Being a parent can be really hard work sometimes, especially when it comes to discipline. Its what I struggle with the most

 

[sophxx]

I won't comment on the smacking and leaving a Mark as I gave really strong feelings about this and have come across children put on the at risk register for this. There are alot of children who have such full on melt downs and it jut about coping strategies do you have a safe place you could put him where or could you make space where the only thing for him to throw is soft and there's not breakable or hard in that area? Have you looked on the sensory websites as there's lots of things and advice that might help. It's awful having a high needs child but you loosing it and smacking him is only reinforcing that it's ok to lash out. You news to try and keep calm. Could you keep a diary that went to school with him to and see if you can see what the triggers are for his melt downs?

 

[freedom08]

sorry did i read that rite that you smacked him on his face

How my lo is only 8 months so i don't know anything yet about the subject but i don't think smacking a child on the face is rite.

NO NO NO but thats just me

 

[julietz]

I am not sure of your sons behaviours in fully, but maybe worth talking to your gp asking him to be refered to a pediatrition or child psychologist, i did it with one of my twins who we struggled to understand for years his symptoms and behaviour, autism was suspected and we went through the whole process, at least rule it out because if it is anything like autism, ADHD, or even learning difficulties, it will make him frustrated and he will feel alone, like he is different and become very stressed, you will be able to understand him and help him better if you know more. gl

 

[RachA]

Thank you all.

We have been to speak to his teacher today and also the deputy head was there who looking after Safeguarding in the school. They were both really helpful. Things have been duly logged and we are being sent info regarding some sessions we can go to to help us deal with his behaviour. We have also booked an appointment to see a Dr that he has seen before who will hopefully be able to help too.

I think finding somewhere that he can go to in order to calm down is a great idea but in our house i am struggling to think of anywhere. We have used his bedroom before but then i worry that if Esther is asleep then he'll just end up waking her up and if she doesn't see her sleep out she can be a problem. But we may just have to live with that.

We have been told today that at school he is amazingly well behaved so i think the trigger for his behaviour is intense tiredness brought on by keeping himself on a tight reign while he is at school. Not really something that can be worked round lol.

 

[sophxx]

Could he maybe have down time when you get in from school make it like a game close tge curtains dim the lights and play one of tge children's relaxation CDs? Even just 5 minutes to start of then he can carry on what he would usually do after school then build it up to 10 minutes. Do you have a spare cover in a room you could make safe when he is having a melt down move him there a places cushions around him and just say mummy is here when your ready and calm. X

 

[sophxx]

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1901923894

Something like this you could web buy him a small pva lamp or bubble tube that's used just for when your all relaxing might help you be calm aswell. I've sone it with lo since he was born as soon as is play the music he just calms down now we do it at bed time buy also during the day if needed. X

 

[babyhopesxx]

Hi i've just seen this thread and i can sympathise with you when the usual time outs, rewards, privaleges taken away etc etc don't work. It's very hard not to get very frustrated I'm glad the meeting with school went well and i hope your now able to get the help you need to help your DS. Good luck

 

[RachA]

Thanks Soph - i like those ideas and will see what we can do. I have in the past tried to encourage him to have down time in his room when he gets home but it's not worked. But i will try and see if i can make it a fun thing to do. Up until Feb this year he was still having a 3 hour nap most days after school and then would still sleep 12 hours overnight too, so i know he is struggling with being tired.

 

[Feltzy]

Being tired is the thing that triggers Evie too, she gets completely irrational through tiredness, my hubby says she gets it from me

The things Soph suggested sound good, maybe if you took him shopping with you to pick out some things he likes then he would get quite enthusiastic about it.

 

[Lucasmum]

Glad it went well the school, hopefully you will have a successful docs appointment

 

[LaDY]

I think you are really brave for making the appointment to see the teacher xx