Worried that somebody I know might be struggling with PND...

[kit603]

Hi ladies,

There's a girl that I used to go to school with who has just had two babies very close to each other and i'm worried she might have PND. We're not exactly close, in fact i've hardly spoken to her since I left school a couple of years ago but I felt like she was reaching out to me tonight on FB because she perhaps doesn't have anybody else to talk to I'm hoping that someone here might be able to offer me some advice...

Basically, in her last year of uni she got pregnant even though she had an implant. She didn't find out she was pregnant until she was about 5 months as she'd still had light bleeds and didn't think she could be pregnant because of the implant. Once she found out she was pregnant she kept it to herself until she was nearly 7 months and then her parents encouraged her to keep it to herself as it was "embarrassing" for them.

She was devastated as she hadn't been with her boyfriend very long and she comes from a very religious family and is quite religious herself. She kept the baby and FOB stayed with her and supported them at first but she didn't tell anyone outside of her family that she was pregnant, she didn't share the news when she'd had the baby (I only found out because a family member posted congratulations on her wall on fb, which the girl promptly removed) and she never ever mentions the baby unless asked directly - it's like she is ashamed of the baby.

She didn't tell people at church that the baby was hers for several months, she came up with all sorts of excuses like telling pepole she was just babysitting etc. When it eventually came out that the baby was hers she just brushed it all off and acted like this was all normal...

Also, about 3 - 4 weeks after giving birth to baby #1 she left the baby with her mum and went on holiday for 2 weeks, where she managed to get pregnant again by the father of #1 This time she hid the birth right up until she went into labour... at which point she was kicked out of her parent's house and basically disowned As soon as FOB found out she'd had another baby he left her and said he wanted nothing to do with her or his children, her parents and siblings stopped talking to her and people at the church were very ... not very sure of the right word... critical? of her.

She's now a single mum with two babies that are about 11 months apart, she has no job and she's living in a council flat on her own with the babies. I think that baby #2 is about 3/4 months old now.

I don't doubt that she looks after the children in terms of food, clothing etc but she definitely resents them and she was telling me earlier that she hates herself because if she'd been more careful (even though she had an implant) she'd be a graduate now with better job prospects and she'd still be with FOB. She just randomly started talking to me out of the blue on Facebook and telling me how lonely she is etc

Is this possible PND, attention-seeking... just trying to make friends??

I'm not at all close to this girl and I must admit that I do feel a little like she's dug her own grave to some extent especially after the first accidental pregnancy. However, I know what its like to be depressed (albeit not PND) and I wouldn't wish that on anybody. I really feel for her because I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to lose everything (family, friends, support of her church, her education, her BF etc) and gain two children that she doesn't know how to deal with.

What can I do to help without butting my way into her life?

(Please only genuine responses, I don't want to hear that she should have used contraception etc etc I just want to help her if I can)

 

[JayeD]

Well, it does sound like she has sort of dug a hole for herself, but there isn't anything she can do about that now. She has to deal with her life as it is. Maybe once her babies are grown up a bit more, she will love her children dearly. PND doesn't last for years. Hopefully her family and the FOB will come to terms with her decision and realize that it's not something she planned on. Let me tell you, I found out I was pregnant at 6 months, even with taking birth control, so I know how she feels about that!

I don't know how involved you want to get with her life, because as you said, you haven't really spoken to her since you left high school. Listening is a good thing. I'm sure she needs to vent a bit more. Maybe suggest to her that she does co-op babysitting? She can get out and have some "me time" while someone watches her children, and when one of the other mothers needs a break from their children, she can watch them for an hour or so. Keep in touch with her to see if there is any way you can help her out by pointing her towards certain programs, anything to help make her life easier. Maybe suggest taking her babies to a "mommy and me" program where she can meet other parents.

If you want to be a little more involved, whether right away or in a couple of months, I'd recommend maybe doing a bit of babysitting here and there (if you live close enough to her), but don't always jump at the chance because she might take advantage of our offer.

 

[Floralaura]

Well, it does sound like she has sort of dug a hole for herself, but there isn't anything she can do about that now. She has to deal with her life as it is. Maybe once her babies are grown up a bit more, she will love her children dearly. PND doesn't last for years. Hopefully her family and the FOB will come to terms with her decision and realize that it's not something she planned on. Let me tell you, I found out I was pregnant at 6 months, even with taking birth control, so I know how she feels about that!

I don't know how involved you want to get with her life, because as you said, you haven't really spoken to her since you left high school. Listening is a good thing. I'm sure she needs to vent a bit more. Maybe suggest to her that she does co-op babysitting? She can get out and have some "me time" while someone watches her children, and when one of the other mothers needs a break from their children, she can watch them for an hour or so. Keep in touch with her to see if there is any way you can help her out by pointing her towards certain programs, anything to help make her life easier. Maybe suggest taking her babies to a "mommy and me" program where she can meet other parents.

If you want to be a little more involved, whether right away or in a couple of months, I'd recommend maybe doing a bit of babysitting here and there (if you live close enough to her), but don't always jump at the chance because she might take advantage of our offer.

Yes it can without the right support
If it were me I would ask if she fancied some company one day, meet up with her..maybe she just wants adult company. I was alone with my DS1 and I could go for over a week without speaking to another adult. It was the most lonely and sad time of my life. She may already be feeling down about everything and then to have no one to talk to will make it a lot worse, she may just need a friend x

 

[kit603]

Thanks for the advice

I've arranged to meet up with her for a few hours next week to catch up so hopefully that will get her out of the house. Hopefully a bit of adult company will cheer her up and give her the opportunity to vent. With any luck, she'll not be as bad as i'm thinking and she'll just be a little lonely rather than having PND.

She used to go to school with my OH as well, so i'm sure he'd like to catch up with her too. She's actually a couple of years older than me but I used to hang out with them both at school. We wouldn't mind babysitting for her at all - i'm at home all week as I only work weekends and, as i'm TTC, i'd definitely welcome the opportunity to learn and get some more baby experience but I wouldn't want her to then depend on me as you've suggested.

I think i'll probably just hang out for a bit before I suggest anything more involved like babysitting.