would you feel patronising?

[BabyMamma93]

A few things?
- do any of you feel patronising when you give someone advice thats older than you, esp if they didnt actually ask you for advice?
- or would you feel patronising telling someone older than you, that you may or may not know well (old friend, family member), that you are proud of them?

whenever (on here or in person) a person older than me asks for advice (on here) or mentions something that i can give advice to, i feel quite patronising for giving advice, i feel as though i cant possibly give someone older than me good advice and maybe they will look at me like im silly, or think im being silly for thinking my , young, avice will actually help them.

secondly, i have a friend im not really close with, she was told her baby wouldnt be alive when born, luckily he was, but a week later sadly passed away, i was telling her im proud of her but then felt a little patronising after..
same again my cousin was told her body is starving her baby of oxygen, she could carry on with pregnancy and risk the baby dying later on, or she could abort and labour the baby. she chose the latter, understandingly she messaged me a few week back saying shes sorry she hasnt seen my baby but she is now ready, i was telling her how proud i am of how strong she is, and shes a inspiration, again i felt so patronising shes like 10 year older than me and i just felt silly..

 

[jd83]

No, I don't find it patronizing. I think its not an age thing, its an experience thing. Sometimes they just get confused, or meshed together. You don't necessarily have to be older to have experienced something and be able to offer advice on it. There are many moms on here younger than me, and I certainly don't find it "wrong" or patronizing of them to offer me advice if I could use it.

As far as your cousin, I think just giving her time to work through her loss obviously, and keep offering condolences, and encouragement. I'm so sorry to hear she lost her baby. One thing I will offer, as I also have a close friend who lost a child, is to offer to let her talk about it. Some people don't want to talk about it, but some do. Some NEED to talk about it, to get it all out there, and they resent that people would rather avoid the subject of loss. My friend is this way, even a year on from losing her son, she really needs to keep talking about him to keep him fresh in her mind, and to be able to work through all her emotions. I think offering your cousin your ear to any emotional outlet she may need is the best thing you can do for her right now.

ETA: One other thought as I was just thinking about it...Maybe rather than telling her how strong she is and how proud you are of her for being so strong to get through, try the opposite. Let her know its okay to be herself, to be as emotional as she needs to be and to talk about it if she needs to. When my friend was first going through the loss of her son, I know it was really exhausting for her to constantly put on a "strong" front. She didn't want to be strong. She wanted to just let it all out. And have someone there to care that she was letting it all out. So many people just expected strength, and made comments about strength to get through it, that she often felt like she had to put on a "strong" front, when that's not really how she felt at all. anyways, just a thought.

 

[BabyMamma93]

i dont find it patronising if someone younger than me offers advice, like you say its not about age its experience, IDK i sometimes just feel, 'can i really give advice to them when they are older than me' especially when its someone on here that is a second time mum, i know we all forget but i feel silly for trying to give advice cos most of the time its probably wrong, the thing with me, i over think things far too much..

i totally agree with the part where you said letting them know they dont need to be strong. in regards to my friend when i said to her im so proud of her because yes she is very upset i mean i couldnt ever begin to imagine what she went through and is still going through, and yes it is probably a front but she is still living her life, not locked in her house all the time, thats what im proud of, but when she repies 'im not as strong as people think' i let her know she doesnt have to be, it has to be one of the worst things ever, to bury a child, and like i say i couldnt ever imagine what its like, same with my cousin, when she messaged me, i mean i was in tears reading it when. she said to me 'i just had to get over the loss of my little boy before holding yours' i told her i totally get that, and thats why i never invited her to see him, i told her she doesnt have to be strong and if she totally cries her eyes out when she sees my little boy i totally understand, i dont blame her, i dont expect her to be all smiley laughy and jokey, she wasnt when i was pregnant, infact she totally avoided me, i felt awful for it bcos we fell on a few weeks apart, and as i was excited about feeling him kick, she was organising her little boys funeral, its so hard and heart breaking, and i know its not my fault she does too, i understood exactly why she avoided me and i totally accepted that and i told her this too. i told her no matter what im here for her wether she wants to blank me, or speak to me. But then i dont want to feel like im, not rubbing it in her face, but cant explain it any other way. i know she wouldnt feel that, but IDK its hard..

anyway this has turned into a threat about my cousin and it seems ive come to realise while writing this, how much i needed to get out about it, and its not even me that suffered the loss..

phew!! that was pretty long

 

[jd83]

i don't think she'd feel like you're rubbing your baby in her face; she knows other people have babies too, and its just one of those things that will take her time to readjust to being around as she grieves. My friend who lost her son, her sister had just had a baby right before the loss, so kind of similar. I know she had a hard time being around the baby at first, but at the same time, her sister's baby was family that she loved. I think over time, its been really good for her, as she's spent more time around them. I would jsut keep doing what you are doing. keep offering support, and keep letting your friend and cousin know you are there for them.

Sorry to have sidetracked your thread, those issues just stood out to me more than the patronizing part. LOL

 

[BabyMamma93]

that probably could have been more the issue, like i say i didnt realise how much i needed to talk about it myself until i started typing. i might be seeing her this weekend at a family get together, we will see how it goes x

 

[sbl]

No not at all!
Lots of older mums ask for my advice at work.
I try not to give unsolicited advice to be honest.
As for saying your proud of someone well I think that's a nice thing to do.

 

[seoj]

^^exactly! I do feel that the longer we live the more "experience" we may have (generally speaking)- but not with every thing! I was 32 before I got married and became a step-mom to my oldest, and 37 when I had my LO. I had my own opinions on things- of course- who doesn't- but experience may negat what you think you know! I'd for sure ask someone for advise on something if I needed- and I'd never think not to just because they are younger... ALL my friends are younger than me! And they have NO issue giving me advise when asked I never take it as anything but helpful- even if I don't agree, it comes from a good place.

As a sidenote (although I know it's not the same thing)- none of my close friends had ANY issues getting prego, even those that weren't TTC per say... but I did for a long time. And although it was hard sometimes to see so many of my family/friends conceive while I was still waiting... I was never anything but happy for them. I can't control what good or bad comes their way- or mine. It's life.