1 month after the lost of my baby girl at 20 weeks

[Stardom]

Hi all, never had I wish to post in this part of the forum but sadly, this had became a fact.

I was 20th weeks and on 070712, I went for my normal routine gynae check up and everything was fine and gynae confirmed the gender of my baby, a girl.. Me and my hubby were over the moon. On 120712 we were scheduled on a detail scan check at the hospital for the organs and growth. Where we were informed that growth and organs of our girl is perfect, just that there wasn't a heartbeat. We were both shocked. How could that had happened? We just see her few days ago, moving with a strong heartbeat. How could that happened in just a few days? From heaven to hell? Just the previous day I was telling my friends how thankful I am for god had given to me so far. I was married for 3 years but only started to TTC, and conceived after 3-4 months. We were really thankful, but why did god decide to take everything back from us after he had given us a gift that we both treasure so much?

We went for 2 more ultrasound and confirmed that there wasn't a heartbeat. My gynae asked me if anything happened during that 2 days because right after my routine scan I still feel movements. So it could happened in these 1-2 days. He asked if i had felt down, or sick or bleed.. Nope nothing happened.. He was puzzled too and tell me he cannot find a reason. We both can't accept this 'reason' that there's no reason. He checked my report, my previous scans and blood test, he said everything is fine with me and baby. Even said baby was growing well for 20 weeks.. And how can that happen?

I was hospitalised and induce the following day. Process was short and I did not went to the surgery room, when i was given the pills, i went to the toilet thinking it was diarrohea. But everything just came out at the moment. I thank my baby for making this horrible process short and bearable for me. She's sucha sweet and considerate angel

Right now I am back to work, my co workers are very considerate and nice. But some gave me weird stares as I came back with a flat tummy.. It's a hard process.. My hubby had been very strong and positive for me, supporting me. I guess I would tide through this. Be strong and hope for a rainbow baby soon.

I miss my girl, so so much...

 

[mhazzab]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It is hard, to accept there is no reason, I didn't get one either. In some ways it's good, as it means it is no more likely to happen again, not something that needs to be fixed before you try for a rainbow. But on the flip side it just leaves you wondering what on earth happened and whether it was something you did or could have changed. (it wasn't, don't ever feel guilty)

I glad the birth process was relatively easy for you. You have gone back to work fairly quickly, are you sure you are ready? Don't rush yourself or be afraid to get signed off, if you need it. I was 'lucky' to qualify for my maternity leave as one of my daughters was born alive and i took the 20 weeks off...I could have gone back sooner but took the time to find myself again and learn some new hobbies. I really think it helped.

When you feel ready to try for your rainbow, just know that It is scary when you get that BFP, but just take each day as it comes, and it is possible to have a happy ending. And theres lots of lovely women in here to support you xxxx

 

[Stardom]

Hi mhazzab, thanks for your comforting words.. I do think very hard what I have done that 2 days or anything I can prevent, or what I ate. Sadly, I have no answer. I have taken 4 weeks off and just returned back to work this week. It's hard to take the first step to work but luckily it wasn't as tough as I thought.

We opted for a PM but have not get back any results. My Gynae told me high possibility it will back as no reason as well. My gynae is very conservative and told us to try again in Dec. Dec seem so long, i read and usually people say it's ok to try after 3 months. What do you think?

Till now I still get the 'why me?' questions. Everyone around me are expecting smoothly and I thought I wil too as I have passed my first trimester fairly easy too. I understand that first trimester loses are common but why me at 20 weeks?

 

[mhazzab]

It was nothing you did, sometimes these things just happen and medicine just isn't advanced enough to tell us the reasons. My daughters were perfect, no problems with them on PM and no problems with me, it was 'just one of those things'. It's easy to tell someone else not to feel guilty but hard to listen. I felt terrible guilt, but over a year later I can say I have accepted that it was nothing I did or didn't do.

I seemed to be surrounded by pregnant people when it happened, and of course they all had girls. I kept thinking why me too...it's not that I wanted it to happen to someone else, just not me. And I desperately wanted someone to understand how painful it was and is. That's why this forum was a blessing, I met so many good friends here who felt the same.

As for trying for a rainbow, my consultant said 5-6 months, my GP said 3...other people were told they could try when they felt ready...I came to the conclusion there was no standard advice or reasoning for a set time...just when I felt physically and emotionally ready. We waited three months but only because I bled all this time, and luckily I fell pregnant then...it made me feel like I could deal with the world again. Of course, with it came a whole load of fears and crazy emotions but it was worth it. Xx

 

[Stardom]

Yes.. I have done all google online and there's nothing i can find. How can a heart stop beating like that? I do not have cord/placenta/cervix issue. One of the sonographer consoled me saying may be the baby's heart is already weak and therefore stopped. And it's better to find out earlier than later. I appreciated her comforting words.

I am feeling better recently, I am trying to let go bit by bit though my angel is never going to be forgotten. It's tough, but I am trying to be strong so that when it's time physically and emotionally ready, we will try for a rainbow baby.
I can't imagine how paranoid I will be for my next week. My previous pregnancy was rather stress free and happy everyday. Every visit to the gyane was full of anticipation and not scaring myself. But i doubt it will be the same for my next one.

It's hard to tell my friends who knew I was pregnant. I receive some messages asking me if I had a boy or girl. I don't know how to reply to the messages. When I open facebook I will see pictures of pregnancy, babies, news of people getting pregnant. All the why me come again. But I believe everything is fated. If it's not meant to be it will not be. Just hope my fate with my rainbow baby will come soon.. I will treasure my rainbow baby as much as I ever could.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your baby girl..

I also lost my little girl at 20 weeks. Everything was going good and i went in to do Amnio ( I was 40) and before Amnio they did a sonogram . The girl that was doing the sonogram ran out of the room and my best friend ran after her screaming where are you going. Even at this point i did not realize something was wrong, the doctor came in and continued with the sonogram and then said those words : " I am so sorry, there is NO heartbeat" My world just ended that day I gave birth to Ava in my bathroom at home , it was just meant to be this way. I was set up for a D&E but when i got home and googled D&E ( I did not know what it was) I could not go through with it so i waited for labor to come and i stayed home and Ava came into this world the way I wanted her to. We then went to the hospital and held her for awhile, I was released after 3 hours. We buried Ava on
3-11-2011. Ava was my surprise at 40 yrs old, I already had 3 boys 21, 18 and 12, we were not planning on anymore and then she came into my life. I am still not ok, I cry a lot and I miss her ALL the time, this pain never leaves. I will not be trying again, I am 42 and to scared of something going wrong . I just wanted to say I am always around if you ever need to talk and I hope things are gentle on you.. You do get through it just never over it.. XOXO Andrea

 

[Stardom]

Hi Andrea, I am sorry for what happened to your girl as well. I guess the worst time in our lives is when the doctor told us 'we couldn't detect the baby's heartbeat' it felt like the end of world.

Thanks for your comforting words. I am sure your little girl is watching over you, somewhere out there.