16 weeks and no HB

[Mahoghani]

I went in for my 16 week OB appointment today. Was so excited... The nurse couldn't find the HB with the doppler so she called in the nurse practitioner - who couldn't find it either. I was smiling, thinking this kid was ornery like his or her big brother. Then she pulled out the ultra sound machine. I was excited to get to see an ultra sound as one wasn't scheduled for today. Never occurred to me anything was wrong. She still couldn't find the heart beat though she was able to zoom in on the face... Which I guess should have worried me. But it didn't. So they called in the OB on call. Who probed and pushed on my pubic bone til it hurt. But I kept straining my ears, eagerly awaiting that sound, not caring about the mild discomfort. When the doctor turned to me and told me that she couldn't find the heart beat... and that there was no movement... That she had to confirm with the ultra sound department but it looked like the baby had "passed"... I didn't see it coming. At all. I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I just slowly nodded like it was someone else's head bobbing up and down. It wasn't until I was sitting in the nurse practitioner's office, hearing her ordering an ultrasound to "confirm fetal demise" and calling my husband to leave him a voice mail that they couldn't find the baby's heart beat, and though it was dead, that I started to cry. And as soon as it started, it didn't stop. Now, hours and hours later my eyes hurt and my head hurts and I can't sleep.
I finally did get ahold of my husband. About three hours later. Of all days, today his phone died and he couldn't charge it. I stayed with a friend until he finally got out of work and my friend's husband went to get him personally for me. Good friends...
I haven't told anyone except my husband and of course, the friend who was in the waiting room with me. I think he's still in shock too. We talk but I don't think either of us hears anything. I've avoided my son all night. He's 8 and I for the life of me don't know how I am going to tell him. He was so excited... and every time he sees me he wants to "hug the baby." I just can't stand it.
I feel dead inside. Just formless and lifeless and shocked. I have an appointment with the doctor on Thursday to "discuss my options." I don't know exactly what that means. I don't think I want to think about it right now. I want them to tell me what happened, if I did something wrong. If I killed my baby somehow. I want to ask questions I'm not sure I want the answers to.
I'm not sure if it's normal to feel this way... but I just want the baby out of me. According to the ultrasound tech the baby's size indicates it "stopped growing" almost two weeks ago. Two weeks. I can't believe I had no idea. Two weeks I've spent talking to it and lovingly rubbing my belly, the whole time not knowing. I just feel... I don't know what. Betrayed maybe. By who I don't know...

 

[shirlls]

I have no words that will make you feel better. I wish I did, and I wish I could make things ok for you. AllI can say is that I am so so sorry for your sad loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers

xxxx

 

[SassyLou]

 

[donna79]

 

[MumToEva]

So sorry Hun! Big

 

[Beaglemama]

Mahoghani I am so, so sorry. 6 weeks ago I lost my little girl at 20 weeks along. We went in for a heartbeat check, and there was none. Then we had two ultrasounds to confirm she had passed... it's horrible. There are just no words and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

My daughter had also stopped developing 2 weeks prior to her passing away. It's such a shock. I understand how you feel, it's almost an "out of body" experience. When we first learned something was wrong... I don't even like thinking about it. The Dr came in and started talking about chromosome disorders and termination - I just stared at him. I heard someone saying "No" over and over again, before realizing it was me saying it.

I'm so sorry. But you're not alone. And how you feel, about wanting the baby out, is normal. As soon as we found out Madison had passed, I was given 2 options: go home or go to the hospital. I told the Dr I just wanted her out of me, I needed that. I had to. I love my daughter, our first child, more than anything, but knowing she had passed made it too painful to have her inside me. And it's just so unfair. Please write or private message anytime. Ask questions, vent, whatever you need to do. There's a lot of support on this forum and we're all here for you.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I had almost the same exact thing happen with me. I went in for my amnio, I was 40 at the time already had 3 boys 21, 18 and 12, this pregnancy was a complete shock for us definitely unplanned, we were done we already had 3.. But then we found out it was finally our little girl, Ava. Before the Amnio they gave me a sonogram and that is all i hear no heartbeat. When she first put the machine on my it turned blue and red, I still had a big smile on my face, had no idea something was wrong, then she ran out of the room to get the doctor, still I had no idea, thank God my best friend was with me that day. My best friend ran out of the room after her screaming what is wrong, still had no idea, I was telling my friend maybe she saw something and had to get to the doctor, my friend just stared at me with a blank face, she already knew what I didn't. the doctor came in and picked up the machine and tried 2x and said I am sorry the baby is gone. I screamed so loud and just was hysterical. I then had to go to my OBGYN that same day within the hour i went and they tried again 3x and he said I am sorry she is gone.I was 20 weeks. They set me up for what is called a D&E, I had to wait 3 days for the procedure all the while with Ava dead in me, it was horrible. I didn't make it to the hospital, i went into labor in my home( Which is what I wanted) I gave birth to Ava in my home went to the hospital, we held for some time , I was released after 3 hours, she was my 4th child and my labor was maybe 3 hours. We buried her on 3-11-2011. It has been a year & a half and I am still not ok , this has been the worst pain I could ever imagine. I am so deeply sorry this happened to you. it breaks my heart every time someone new comes in these forums If it was not for the beautiful women in these sections , i don't know what i would have done. Please know we are here for you anytime, day or night, just shoot me a private message anytime and I will talk with you. It wont be easy the days ahead, so try to be gentle on yourself, you did nothing wrong , you did NOT cause this, with Ava they said it was most likely a chromosomal abnormality, they tested her cells I waited for 6 weeks, only for them to tell me her cells did not grow. So really i will never know why she died. My heart aches for you, cause I know what you are going through and all you will go through, please let us help you in any way we can. All My Love, Andrea

 

[VSubasic]

So sorry for your lose hun

 

[confused2011]

I am so sorry to hear your loss. Its been a week since I Had to deliver Daymian. My situation seemed to happen because I was infect with paravirus B19. I was 24 weeks and 5 days when we found out Daymian no longer had a hard beat. There is no handbook to go through things like these, so take it each day by each day and handle it any way you can. I miss my lil Daymian every day that goes by. Thankfully they had started the delivery process mear hours after we found out. God Bless you and your family

 

[sharan]

Oh Hun, I am so sorry

Nothing I say at this moment will make you feel better. I just wanted to give you a
If you need to some support and comfort please turn to one of the lovely ladies here or myself. I found the love and support here gave me the strength to see each day through as hard as it was xx

 

[Mahoghani]

Thank you all of you. For your stories and your hugs. Yesterday, for brief moments I almost felt normal. My husband has been so wonderful. He hasn't left my side for a moment. I think he knows it isn't a good idea to leave me alone. He alternates between letting me talk about it and cry on his shoulder and trying to distract me to give me a break. Some how he just knows what I need even when I don't.

We still haven't told anyone. Except of course my boss, and since my husband is in the Army you tell one person and everyone he works with knows. But not family. I'm generally okay, can hold it together unless I have to say it out loud... so I just can't bare the thought of having to call my mother and my MIL. I don't think I can handle their grief coupled with my own right now.

On the other hand... When I went to pick up my son from daycare yesterday one of his caretakers made a comment about how I was going to have a hard time bending over in a few months. I haven't told my son yet. It was all I could do not to burst into tears in front of him... She didn't know but... It just made me realize how many people there are to tell. That I am going to be hearing things like that over and over and have to find a way to deal with that. It isn't their fault of course... But I can't help but feel resentment.

I go in to talk to the doctor today. To find out what happens next. I keep having night mares when I try to sleep. About what miscarrying will feel like. Empty. I want to see the baby. I feel like it might bring me some sort of closure. But I'm afraid to. I don't even know if they will let me. If I was far enough along... They told me they won't be able to do a drug induced abortion because I'm too far along... So I'm not sure what the other option will be. I want to get it over with, every time I think about the baby being dead inside of me I feel like I am going to throw up... and have once or twice. Still, I am dreading whatever I am going to hear today.

 

[Stardom]

I can understand that hun, having baby inside you knowing that baby is dead is a traumatic feeling. Like you want to get baby out soonest feeling.

I hate that part about telling people. It's tough. But you will get there. I dread going to work and even thought of quitting as i fear to face people. I already had a baby bump as i was 20 weeks. Everyone will be shock to see my flat belly when i return. but we all have to face it sooner or later and when it comes, it's not as tough as I thought.

I hate to inform my MIL too. We waited almost 2 months before we break the news to her. Get sorted on yourself first, give it a step by a step, we just have to be kind with ourselves. We won't get over for sure but we will get through! Be strong honey. You still have a son to look after It was my first baby though, but I am determind to ttc again

 

[BlessedWomb]

I am so very sorry for your loss. It's a really hard life journey that we have to go through. I hope that you have the strength to keep going. Take it one second at a time because sometimes a day can be too much. God bless you.

 

[nicksi27]

Im so sorry that you are going through this. No woman should have to hear those dreaded words at a scan, I know what you are going through and its the worst pain in the world. i hope you find some comfort in the coming weeks. sending you and your little angel lots of love. im sorry there are no words to take the pain away xxx

 

[dizzy65]

 

[Mahoghani]

The doctor's appointment was... I guess awful is the only way to put it. The OB I spoke to is an active duty doctor. Which means she was professional and informative... but had very little in the way of tact. She went into details about each of my options that I didn't want to hear. I suppose perhaps I needed to hear it, to make the right decisions but she was sort of cold and as-a-matter-of-fact about it all. She said they could do something called a D&E (dilation and evacuation). The second option is inducing a chemical miscarriage with drugs. The first she made very clear would be dangerous because I'm so far along and because I am over weight. The second... She actually wanted me to go home and do it alone. This after telling me all about my risks of bleeding, infection, and the fact that the baby could come out in pieces (sorry to be graphic). But she scared me off of the D&E, also the procedure sounds barbaric to me. So I took the drugs and warily went home. On the way she called to tell me that she'd checked with the labor and delivery department and they said I could come in and do it there, so that they can monitor my bleeding and make sure nothing went wrong. She said she could tell I was afraid to do it at home and thought I would be more comfortable in the hospital. Which was true. So I told her we'd be in that night, around 6 so that we'd have time to talk to my son.
My son took the news like an adult. I can tell he's upset but he doesn't want to upset me. He's so grown up for an eight year old. We left him to stay with my friend who was at the ultrasound with me and headed to the hospital.
When we got there I was told they didn't have room for me that they would call me the next day around 11am. I wasn't pleased to feel like I"d been brushed aside but honestly I was a little relieved. I want to get it over with but I'm afraid and anxious about the actual process and possibly seeing my baby... Another thing the doctor told me, once again in a very clinical tone, we most likely won't be able to tell if it was a boy or a girl. The baby is just barely not far along enough. I was devastated by that. I think I thought if I knew, if I could give the baby a name I would feel some sense of closure. Now I'll just always wonder... She also kept saying what felt like over and over that losing a baby at 14 weeks is "not normal." Not normal... I don't know why but those two words put together just make me feel like a freak. Like there is something wrong with me. Like I did something wrong...
At one today we called the hospital to find out why they hadn't called us yet... they'd forgotten about me. Apparently the night shift doesn't talk to the day shift and they had no idea who we were or why we were calling. My husband left them our number and they said they would call when they had a room, "hopefully in a few hours." It's been 3 days now since I found out and the waiting is starting to make me feel sick. I can't eat, I have trouble sleeping and I've been sick to my stomach all day. I just want to get it over with and I feel like the hospital doesn't think I matter because my baby is dead and they have so many live babies to concern themselves with.
I am so upset and so exhausted. Waiting is torture. I wish they could just understand that. Or care maybe...

 

[shirlls]

You poor thing, I don't know what to say. I am thinking about you and sending you lots of love and xxxxxxxxx

 

[Warby]

I am so, so sorry.

 

[Mahoghani]

My son was born yesterday, September 22 at 6am. And though he will never open his eyes, take his first breath or speak his first word, I love him with every fiber of my being. We named him Silver... I'm not sure why but it seemed appropriate for him. We haven't given him a middle name. We asked my son to choose his middle name and he still hasn't decided... He says it has to be just right.

They aren't sure what happened... what went wrong. We will know more after tests, the doctors say. They think that it might have been a chromosomal abnormality called Trisomy 18. From what I've read about it online... I try take comfort in knowing that he will never know the pain and difficulties that a life in this world would have brought him. I need to believe that he is happier where he is now than he ever could have been here on earth with me. Still, I miss him and always will.

I wanted so badly to get it over with... to get him out of me. And now, home from the hospital and beginning to heal physically... I can't help but hold my belly where he used to be and wish he was still there. I feel empty and weak and listless... Like I know I want something but have no idea what that something is...

I spent the day today with Caleb, my eldest. My first... I can't bring myself to say my only as though Silver never existed... Caleb and his father have been so good to me through out this. My husband hasn't left my side for more than a few minutes since we found out that Silver had passed. And my son is so careful about what questions he asks and how he speaks to me. So eager to do anything that he thinks will make me smile... He really is too grown up for an 8 year old... All day I've been stroking his hair, holding his hand, kissing his forehead. Staring and just marveling at him. He is so perfect and so amazing.

I know there are many ways I could be feeling right now. I feel all of them one moment and none the next. Sometimes I just feel numb like I need to slide out of myself for a moment so that I don't go crazy... I don't know which is the right way to feel. Or if there even is a "right way." I've never felt a loss like this. Nothing even close to it... So, I am choosing to feel grateful. Or at least to focus on that as much as I can. Grateful that I have an amazing husband who takes such good care of me and grateful to have a beautiful healthy son, both of whom love me and care about me so much.

My heart aches to read all of your stories. I thank you all for posting them here to bring others feeling the same loss comfort. This forum has been a source of strength for me these past couple of days. When everything is less raw I hope I can bring others the kind of comfort you've all brought me. Thank you.

 

[confused2011]

If you ever need to talk, Im here. I delivered my son ten days before you delivered yours. I went in because I hadn't felt my son moving in 2 days. We soon found out his heart had stopped so I was induced and had to push my son out on the 12th of September. He was only 11.8 oz and 10 inches long. The only thing they can find is that I was infected with paravirus B19. I too have done reading up on what happens to babies exposed to the virus and I find great relief that the good Lord took him home to wait for me. I know the pain you are feeling.