16 year old caught thieving.

[Tryinfor4th]

Hi Everyone
I never thought this would happen to us, but it has
Yesterday we were woken early by a police officer informing us that our daughter who is 16 has been taking money out of the till at her part time job over a period of 6 months amounting to $2200.

We confronted her, she admitted it, the money's gone, spent on junk,
She had no need to do this, no drink/ drug issues, everything's fine at home.
My DH and I are still in shock and trying to make sense of it all
The store owner has agreed not to press charges as long as we pay back the money.

My question is do you still buy her Xmas presents with a $2200 unexpected bill that we the parents have to try to find?

Yes we are making her do chores and work it off helping us at home out but that doesn't produce cash

We have two other children 14 and 4 how do we sit and watch them open presents and leave our daughter out?
But at the same time what are the consequences??

What would you do???

 

[hattiehippo]

I said no but I'd actually get her a very small token present so she had something to open still but no more as at 16 she's old enough to be helping you pay back her debt.

What a horrible situation for you all

 

[Natasha2605]

Yeah I'd still buy her presents ( If you can afford to), although no 'main' presents.

I know she's done wrong, but it's still christmas and I just couldn't leave her out.

Can she sell things to pay some back? She must have something to show for $2200.

 

[housewifey]

oh my, does she anything worth of value to show for like did she buy an ipod or a phone with the money? Make her sell it to pay back some of the money.

With regards to the Christmas presents, yes I would still buy some things, you don't want the whole of Christmas day ruined because you are upset that your daughter doesn't get to open presents when the other kids do and she will probably sulk all day thus ruining Christmas for everyone. I wouldn't get anything big or expensive but just things like pyjamas, underwear, socks, books, clothes, cheap jewellery etc. Not getting any main presents might make her see the consequences of what she did.

 

[Tryinfor4th]

Thank you everyone, she didn't buy anything salvageable with the money, I didn't see anything new come into the house, she said she spent it on eating out lunchtimes treating her friends, cabs when I couldn't drive her to friends houses,
She does have an I pos but it has a huge crack on the screen ,

Her cell phone is on contract and for those of you in the Uk that means you pay off the phone $4 per month, it's not given free , it was a $400 phone she's had since January so very little is payed off and selling it wouldn't produce enough to off the phone let alone the debt,
That's the other kicker, because she lost her job we are also stuck paying her phone contract $50 a month,
She's agreed to sell het betty boop collection that will help a little ,
I'm just so sad, I don't even want to put the tree up this year but I know that's not fare on my other children, why oh why would she do this , I just can't understand.

 

[HBGirl]

I would get her a token gift or two. But, she would be dropped off at a soup kitchen or the like for the day and spend her Christmas helping others. Then she would get another job and every penny would go towards paying the bill back.

 

[Creative]

She is 16 and she made a huge mistake. I bet she feels just as rotten as you do, but I would only buy her a small taken gift or two.

I would make sure that she is really part of paying back the debt. Her working towards itm baby sitting etc, and being very aware of how much is owed and paid off written in a book or board somewhere so that she can't just move on.
Each time some of the money is paid off, she should write it down so that the full responsibility weighs on her. School trips etc should be forfeited unless essential for curriculum, nights out should be few and far between until the debt is paid.

Hopefully once it is all sorted you will be left with a very sensible daughter!

 

[aimee-lou]

Very good advice given above. I would definitely be trying to work out a way to get her to help pay the debt off, or at least pay her own phone contract....taking on odd jobs, dog walking, baby sitting, cleaning neighbours houses. She needs to take responsibility, but also she should feel full weight when it's lifted too. This is a valuable (if not a little expensive) lesson to learn at 16, and as such he Christmas should be a token one, with a couple of small gifts and the day off. She's old enough to know just how much she messed up and she'll be mortified by it.

 

[SerenityNow]

I think you should carry on with Christmas the same way that you would if this hadn't happened, or if you had found out about it in August or not until March. Christmas gifts are given to show our love. You still love her. Show her that.

She made a terrible mistake. You are in good company as the parent of a teenager who has made an awful decision. The fact that she was taking small amounts over a long time and doing little things like taking cabs or going out to lunch really indicates to me that she wasn't plotting to take advantage of her employer-- she did some horrific problem solving, i.e. I'm hungry and don't have any money for lunch, or I need to get home and don't have money for a cab. What she did was selfish, impulsive and stupid-- all developmentally normal for a 16 year old! I have a teenage daughter and many times my 9 year old is more mature and conscious of her actions than my teenager.

This is all very new for you. You just found out about it yesterday. Give yourself some time to wrap your head around it, be furious and be hurt and worried and everything else before you decide what the next step is. But ultimately 16 is still a child, she is responsible for her actions but she needs to be parented through this with love so she learns to make good decisions when she is an adult. Paying the money back, earning back your trust and dealing with this black mark on her employment record are the natural consequences. The only purpose for leaving her out of Christmas or only given token gifts would be to make her suffer, but she would be suffering because she feels like she isn't loved. That's not going to teach her to be trustworthy and responsible.

 

[seoj]

I actually just experienced our first real disappointment with our 16yr old recently too- not stealing or anything like that, but a bad judgement call and police did get involved (not specifically because of her- but another girl) - but because it happened at her work she was called in to see if she knew anything and we also got called in-- and it still get's under my skin she got herself in that situation. I'm glad she's OK and she came clean (although she kept it from us for months prior)-- but in the end, we had a very long talk with her- and grounded her for 3wks, and she has to earn our trust back in steps. She agreed and didn't fight anything we asked of her because she knew she messed up big time. Overall she is such a great kid though- and prob why this was so shocking to us. Although I can put myself in her shoes and understand WHY she did what she did- but she still should have known better.

Long story short- if I were in your shoes, I'd for sure forgo any big Xmas gifts. And my kid would have to work HARD to pay us back- with chores or whatever else we could think of. As well as yes, watch her siblings open bigger gifts. Maybe still stocking stuffers and a few small things- as I can imagine how tough that would be-- but I think it also depends on how sorry your kid is. Does she truly "get" why what she did was so wrong- what prompted it in the first place- do you feel she's learned a valuable lesson or is she blind to why it's not Ok? Depending on all that- I would think the punishment should fit the crime. so to speak. With our daughter she has to earn back our trust for sure. She knows this. She also knows we love her (no matter what)- but that trust is something you can't mess with. Even if she messes up in the future, I would hope she'd still come to us. Because what hurt me most- was not what she did- but the fact she kept it from us when we have a very open and honest line of communication. She has never lied to us like this before- so that was tough to move past. But we have- and she's building that trust back up and doing everything right (now).

Best of luck!

 

[cookette]

Absolutely not. Christmas isnt about the gifts! Obviously you still celebrate it together, but I cannot wrap my mind around still buying her a gift. Include her in everything, but why on earth give her a GIFT when its truly YOUR GIFT TO HER by helping her pay this off!? NO way!

 

[Marie000]

not an expert on teenagers, but maybe you could explain to her in advance that you will not be getting her a big gift and will count that money towards her debt? Or at least reduce the Christmas budget for her by a certian amount and count that towards the money she owes.
She might be mad now, but at least it wont come as a surprise on Christmas day. I agree with giving her small gifts so she can have some fun, but no big gifts.
She is old enough to know where gifts come from. It's not like depriving a small child of gifts from Santa Claus.

 

[Foogirl]

I would absolutely not be buying a Christmas present and this would also be the case if she'd been discovered in March or August.

That is a huge amount of money for her to steal and I'd say she is lucky enough to be spending Christmas with her family and not in a detention centre. The phone would be taken off her, whether I was paying for it or not. Check with the provider you might be able to cancel and return it to them.

As a sixteen year old she has a huge lesson to learn and to me "not fair" doesn't come in to it. She stole money, that is a huge deal and the consequences should be severe enough for her to think about not doing it again. If it were my daughter she would be sent out to get another job and would work at that, and for me, paying off the debt.

 

[Eternal]

Given the HUGE amount she had stolen no, perhaps a stacking with a few token bits more so the others kids don't get upset, but really nothing expensive. I'd be tempted to do nothing, she really doesn't deserve it and it's not about love, her Christmas Gift is that you have agreed to pay it and not send her to jail.

When the flip was she eating to get though that amount of money? And clearly this wasn't a one off thing, which makes it all the more serious. If personally take her phone too. I would seriously question where all that money went though, even with taxis and meals out! That's a huge some of money to get through without buying anything physically.

Don't feel guilty yourself though, it could happen to any of us. Hugs, this must be really hard on the family, I hope she realises know lucky she is for you to not have left her to have changes and what that would have meant for her future.

 

[aliss]

Mistake? $2200 out of a till over time is not a mistake, it is a repetitive action, an intentional one at that. Thank goodness she was busted for this, she could have gone to prison had she kept that up long enough.

I agree with those who say no gift, not even a token.

Not trying to harp on it, but working in policing 10 years, that is not a common teenage mistake incident. That's actually quite high on the scale for a 16 year old and I would genuinely be concerned about hammering down the consequences NOW before she gets a lifetime attitude about embezzlement. Just IMO. Sorry your family is going through this.

 

[lindseymw]

I'm going to agree with the above few posters here.

There is no way I would be buying Xmas presents for a 16 year who stole over $2k. The amount and length of time means it was a calculated decision which she made over & over again.

She is very lucky she has not been prosecuted considering the amount.

I would be explaining fully to her why she would not be getting a god damn thing!

 

[LaughOutLoud]

I agree with above posts, no gifts and no tokens. She is old enough to know that are actions were wrong. In my book, its pretty serious and so the consequences would be pretty serious. It wouldn't matter if it was a bday or xmas. The money has to be paid back and Id be making her start paying it back asap, in every way possible. Sorry, may be im just more harsh than others but I just don't condone this type of behaviour and my DD would need to understand that.

 

[SerenityNow]

Honestly, you should get advice from a professional counselor. Understanding how teens think and act and how to respond to them is seriously complex. People whose kids are 3, 4, 5 years old simply have no idea what it is going to be like to parent a teenager. It is a delicate age, all the more so because you only have a few years left to parent them. It's terrifyingly high stakes. I really feel for you.

IMO none of the money should be repaid by you as a "gift" to her. Therefore how you treat her at Christmas is unrelated. I'd remind her that she has the option to return or sell her gifts. Personally, I think all the money should be repaid by her in cash, not chores, but you know the situation best and it may not be possible for her to earn cash. I understand that it is probably necessary for you to pay her boss back right away so technically she is paying you back, but I would really try to work out a way for as much of the money as possible to go directly from her to her boss.

Leaving her out at Christmas sends the message "You have messed up so badly we are no longer treating you the way we treat the rest of our children." Is that a productive message to send her? I think you run the risk of her giving up on herself and making "being a bad person" part of her self-image. I've been a mentor for homeless teens, you do not want her to give up on herself. You want her to understand that she is better than how she acted and empower her amend for her mistakes. And yes, it was a mistake-- a serious mistake with life altering consequences, just like using drugs, having unprotected sex, getting into a car with a drunk driver and a dozen other serious mistakes teenagers make everyday because they lack the neurological maturity to understand the gravity of their decisions.

I really urge you to get some outside support from someone with professional expertise working with teens. This is such a difficult situation, you owe it to yourselves to get some help with how to deal with it.

 

[Septie]

I would give her a few token gifts, but not a big gift. And talk to her about it beforehand. But IMO that's the wrong question to agonize over. The main question is how to prevent something like this from happening again...
Is she remorseful at all? I would be incredibly worried, and try to get professional help. It is such a huge amount, and over such a long period of time. She is almost an adult, after all. And I would not trust her for quite a while, I am afraid. I would check if she steals at home, I would not trust for her to go babysitting/cleaning elsewhere, nor give her access to another job where she can "help" herself to anything whatsoever - unless she is truly remorseful, what's there to stop her from doing it again? The punishment right now, even with no presents, is rather minor and does not fit the crime.

 

[Foogirl]

Honestly, you should get advice from a professional counselor. Understanding how teens think and act and how to respond to them is seriously complex. People whose kids are 3, 4, 5 years old simply have no idea what it is going to be like to parent a teenager. It is a delicate age, all the more so because you only have a few years left to parent them. It's terrifyingly high stakes. I really feel for you.

IMO none of the money should be repaid by you as a "gift" to her. Therefore how you treat her at Christmas is unrelated. I'd remind her that she has the option to return or sell her gifts. Personally, I think all the money should be repaid by her in cash, not chores, but you know the situation best and it may not be possible for her to earn cash. I understand that it is probably necessary for you to pay her boss back right away so technically she is paying you back, but I would really try to work out a way for as much of the money as possible to go directly from her to her boss.

Leaving her out at Christmas sends the message "You have messed up so badly we are no longer treating you the way we treat the rest of our children." Is that a productive message to send her? I think you run the risk of her giving up on herself and making "being a bad person" part of her self-image. I've been a mentor for homeless teens, you do not want her to give up on herself. You want her to understand that she is better than how she acted and empower her amend for her mistakes. And yes, it was a mistake-- a serious mistake with life altering consequences, just like using drugs, having unprotected sex, getting into a car with a drunk driver and a dozen other serious mistakes teenagers make everyday because they lack the neurological maturity to understand the gravity of their decisions.

I really urge you to get some outside support from someone with professional expertise working with teens. This is such a difficult situation, you owe it to yourselves to get some help with how to deal with it.

I might not have a teenage girl, but I remember being one and for sure, I would not have expected to receive any gifts if I had done the same. There are ways to remind that child that you still love her without giving a gift at Christmas. I do agree that counselling might be a good idea for the girl as I do wonder what led her to do it.