2-y/o Only Listens When We Shout

[RJsMum]

Try as we might to keep our tone low, and steady...DH and I (moreso DH) almost always resort to shouting to get DS (almost 25 mos) to do as he is told. We know he understands things to a certain extent because he can follow simple instructions that we give him...but when asking him to "come to Mommy" or "come to Daddy," he runs the other way or even flat-out ignores us.

I'm also finding it difficult because I feel like DH doesn't have as much patience as me...so he expects things done *like that* while I try to consider DS's age/abilty. Then when DS doesn't listen, I will try to issue a warning before a timeout, using simple language and DH instead will drone on and on like a lecture to a teenager...and DS just doesn't understand that. I also carry out timeouts but DS giggles the whole time and thinks it's a game.

Yesterday, I told DS to stop trying to stand and walk down his slide. I gave him a warning, explaining he could get an "ow" (he understands this means hurt) and that if he did it again, I would take the slide out of the room. DH then proceeds to watch him the next time and not follow through, and when I went to remove it he told me not to and instead shouted at DS to stop or he would never get it back again.

ETA: Today, after I got out of the shower I brought DS into our room and put a DVD on for him while I got dressed. I permitted him to sit on our bed (as he often does) but told him he must sit. The first time he did frog leaps across the bed and before I could get to him he lept off the edge. He cried a bit and said he was hurt, but went to climb onto the bed again. I thought surely he learned by getting a little hurt this time, so I re-stated he must sit. He started to jump 3 minutes later and as I was going to him again and saying "stop jumping" he fell again, this time ON his head, getting a rug-burn! (The child has NO fear!)

I suppose I have two issues then, really...a hubby and a child that don't listen to me, hehe.

I realise this *IS* age appropriate...for selective hearing, so for parents who have had this issue before...what did you find to be most effective to get through to LO?

 

[RachA]

This sounds like us with DS. He's 4 1/2 now and looking back i don't think we handled it well at all (although that is after having a second child who seems to be responding to our different methods but maybe DS wouldn't of anyway).

You need to speak to speak to OH first and try and sort out how you are going to discipline your lo.
Then you need to pick your battles as it were. Not everything is worth a time out etc.
When you want lo to come to you, maybe go to him and get down on his level and ask him to come with you. This works better than shouting from another room for him to come here and when he doesn't you get annoyed etc.

 

[JASMAK]

I would get his ears checked...but instead of shouting...why not implement a consequence. Shouting is hard on children, and you. I hate shouting at my kids, and when I feel like I am doing it all the time...I usually get more strict with the time-outs (our main form of discipline) and that usually nips whatever behaviour in the bud.

Also, pick your battles. Is it really a big deal your son did leap frogs on the bed...and falling off..natural consequences. If you are constantly nit-picking, he is going to feel like he is doing nothing right.

 

[hivechild]

Oh gosh, the selective hearing is so trying at times!

I had a 'conversation' yesterday with my OH about dealing with the monkey when he's acting out in typical toddler fashion.

What I have found works for me, and Ronan, best so far is to do my best not to raise my voice. I try to speak clearly, calmly, but firmly.

I remove other distractions, such as muting music/pausing a movie etc. and then get down to his level, in front of him and make eye contact.

I try to give him time to process what I am saying and to respond (unless he is in a dangerous situation at hich point I immediately intervene to remove him from it). Sometimes he needs 5-10 seconds before he responds.

I ask him to do things, rather than to not do things as often as possible. Instead of 'don't jump off the couch,' I ask him to please sit down as couches are for sitting on. I ask him to stand back away from and to stay clear of the oven and stove, because it's hot. Dangerous. Those two words he understands mean not to touch. If he throws something, no sense scolding him not to do something he has already done, so I tell him calmly that he needs to help me pick up whatever he has thrown and to put it where it belongs. Then I tell him that we don't throw things and if he does it again, I will put it away.

Even if I am furious inside and want to scream, I try to be polite. When he responds positively to my corrective action, I thank him for doing X and I tell him that mummy likes when we put rubbish in the bin, when we pick up the toys and put them in the baskets, and that it makes mummy happy when we put our plates in the sink when we are finished eating, etc. I also tell him that I don't like when food is thrown on the floor, when he tries to feed trash to the dog, and that it hurts when I trip over the toys left on the floor as I think it's important to be honest about your feelings. I even tell him when mummy is really angry that there is milk spilled on the carpet, and she has to clean it up now, but then I have him help me clean, as well.

Is it foolproof? Of course not, but it largely works, and more and more I see him responding positively this way. Who knows if it will continue to work as he gets older, but right now, I am happy to continue! My OH seems to think that Ronan will walk all over me and get away with murder, but I aim to be calm and consistent, not permissive! I most certainly don't let him get away with behaviors that I don't approve of, but I'm not trying to win against my child, and I don't want blind obedience!

 

[hattiehippo]

I would def avoid shouting as much as possible as you will end up having to get louder and louder to get a reaction as he gets older. And I find shouting just gives me a headache tbh.

With Tom I ask him to stop doing something and then tell him to. If he carries on then I tell him that IF he carries on doing X then Y will happen and then carry through straight away if need be. He understands this really well now but does still choose to carry on sometimes or to ignore me. So for example today Tom was sat up on the kitchen worktop watching me cook his pasta from a distance - he kept going to edge towards the pot to put his car in even though we'd talked about 'hot fire' and 'owww' etc etc so I told him if he did it again then he would go on the floor. He edged the tinest bit, I put him on the floor, he cried briefly, I said I told you mummy said she would put you on the floor and he then got over it.

I also count alot with him - usually to get him to do things....again that will normally be I'll ask him to do something like clean his teeth with daddy and when he ignores me then I tell him I'm going to count to 5 and then I will take him to daddy for teeth cleaning. He runs off into the bathroom by about 3 now.

Also like Hivechild I talk alot with Tom about how things make us feel and I always tell him if he hurts me or if something he has done makes me sad. It seems to be working so far but he has been pushing the boundaries alot more since turning 2.

 

[OmarsMum]

Sounds likes Omar. He doesn't listen full stop. When he's in a "normal" mood, he will do whatever I ask him to do, like get me something, or go to the bathroom as it's time for a bath, clean up time etc. But when he's in a "naughty mood" he will not listen. For example, he knows he's not allowed to jump on our bed, but as soon as he gets up the bed he says "see mummy, I'm going to jump on the bed", I give him warnings, then I make him sit, but he keeps on standing up & jumping while laughing. He's not bothered if I count & he starts counting with me. When I'm not around he does not jump on the bed. The same with climbing the TV cabinet, then reaching the sofa arm & walking on the sofa on tiptoes! He fell once & he was hurt but he wasn't bothered. If he's alone in the living room, he will not even try to sit on the sofa & he will play without trying to do something that might hurt him.

I noticed that he only acts this way to get some attention especially if he's bored from what he's doing. He only acts this way around me & around DH. When he's with my parents he doesn't act this way & he always listens. I shouted few times only but it didn't make any difference. So now when I'm getting dressed for example, I make sure to dress him first then turn the tv, give him the iPad to distract him then I go to my room to get dressed. or I ask him to choose something for me to wear & it always occupies him, when I put on my make up, I give him a clean brush to put make up on his face.

When we are at home & he starts to act this way, I bring a toy he didn't play with recently & I put it on the floor & I ask him to come & play with me. once he's occupied with something else, he forgets about what he was doing.

I also try to explain things to him in a calm firm voice, then I ask him to tell me what he wants to do now other than jumping on the bed, climbing on the sofa, etc. I also give him options, like we will go to your room to jump on the trampoline or colour instead of jumping on the bed, or we can sit on the sofa to play with the iPad or read some books.