23 weeks - anxiety about herpes/cold sores

[Rachel320]

Hi ladies,

Looking for some honesty and advice. I have read SO many horror stories about relatives with cold sores/herpes who kiss babies on the face and pass the virus to the child, which can be deadly.

My mother and sister in law both get cold sores (infrequently but still) and I am honestly freaking out about it. I will be sending all family a text a week or two before my due date about photo/social media etiquette when she's first born, and am thinking about also asking everyone in that text to not kiss my baby on the face due to the possible transmission of deadly viruses. That way it's the same rule for everyone, and keeps things safe.

What do you all think??

I get so worried about it that I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it xx

 

[katlin]

I get cold sores I've never been warned about this I've always kissed ny babies

 

[justplay91]

Definitely put that in the text. We have always asked that family not kiss the baby. If you'll be having the baby at a hospital and family will be visiting you there, you can also put a sign on the door that reinforces that rule so hopefully they'll take it seriously.

 

[cleckner04]

Can it pass without an open sore there though? My ex husband got cold sores and just didn't kiss either me or my first DD when he had an outbreak. I've never gotten one from him and I was with him for 10.5 years before we split. DD doesn't get them either. It's your call you are the mother. If it's keeping you up at night than it's a very real fear and your wishes should be respected but I do think it may cause some upset for them. Maybe you should ask your Dr and see if it helps alleviate any of your fears.

 

[Moom7900]

It's only a risk when there is an outbreak, just like when kissing anybody else. My ex suffered with cold sores occasionally and simply avoided kissing the babies anywhere when he had an outbreak - I believe it can pass to other areas of skin too, not just the face? The rest of the time he kissed them as normal and none of us ever picked it up.
I do understand the worry though, in case somebody was silly enough to kiss them without thinking while having an outbreak. I'll be reminding all relatives who suffer to be extra vigilant.
Try not to overthink it all and look after yourself xxxxx

 

[2have4kids]

There's nothing wrong with asking those with colds, flu or viruses to avoid the baby party for obvious reasons. You then cover your butt in other ways as well. Herpes is highly contagious and just because someone hasn't caught it in 15, 25, 40 years or kisses their babies all the time with open wounds, doesn't mean the science is incorrect. It is dangerous to infants and people shouldn't be kissing your baby for other reasons too. They have no immune system and no vaccines, it's just bad ettiquette to be kissing newborn babies and if someone doesn't know this you can just keep your baby close and let them know personally, beyond the note in your invite.

 

[Jessicahide]

Its true it can be deadly to little ones, if they have a sore then they shouldn't come near baby off their own backs, so dangerous!

Send the text and don't feel bad about it!

 

[Rachel320]

Thanks to everyone who replied. A few of you have mentioned that it's only a risk when there's an outbreak but I read that it becomes contagious from the first tingle someone gets ie before the actual red sore appears. That worries me because some people might not realise they're about to get a sore.

Do you think it's fair to just make a blanket rule for all family that they can't kiss the baby, only cuddles? But then what's the timescale for a rule like that!?

I've drafted part of the text I would send - 'We ask everyone to please not kiss [insert name] on her face because this can pass viruses that are harmless to adults but deadly to children onto her (cold sores in particular). We have been told about too many sad stories, so cuddles will have to suffice!'

Thoughts?

 

[M&S+Bump]

Anyone who gets cold sores can tell one is coming well before it becomes a sore, and unless your family are completely brain-dead, I think a text like that is likely to cause more offense than good.

I would stop reading horror stories on the internet and have a word with your doctor to hopefully put your mind at ease.

 

[03babysquish]

I think that sounds reasonable. They even tell parents not to kiss baby if you have one. A think a blanket rule would be better then telling particular people they can't kiss baby. I think it would just makes them feel less crumby about it.

On another note, I wouldn't worry an awful amount. Anyone can contract cold sores at any time. You could get one very easily, and not know. Or your partner could. The way they are passed is from the fluid of the sore. So, if they do not have an open sore it would be extremely rare for them to pass it. I am not saying it doesn't happen, and you shouldn't be proactive. I am just saying I wouldn't over worry, there is a larger chance your baby won't get it, then they will.

 

[2have4kids]

'We ask everyone to please not kiss [insert name] on her face because this can pass viruses that are harmless to adults but deadly to children onto her (cold sores in particular). We have been told about too many sad stories, so cuddles will have to suffice!'

Thoughts?

The sore needs to have broken open to be contagious. Why are you only paranoid about cold sores when whooping cough and other viruses are out there? I'd remove the last line but keep it to cuddles only please. It makes you seem irrational and paranoid when you tell ppl you've heard too many sad stories. It sounds more professional and assertive when you keep it simple.

 

[x__amour]

The highest risk is when a sore is right about to appear or in the beginning stages. DH received cold sores as a child from a family member and passed it along to me. We both get cold sores 1-2x a year and we're just safe about it. No kissing anyone, no sharing anything, etc,. I'm fairly confident someone who is experienced with cold sores would not kiss your child.

That being said, I would STILL request baby not to be kissed. I think the line, "'We ask everyone to please not kiss [insert name] on her face because this can pass viruses that are harmless to adults but deadly to children." is very reasonable to say.

 

[Rachel320]

Have actually already taken the sentence about 'sad stories' out! It sounded a bit crazy when I reread it. 'Cuddles only' is a much better idea.

Someone mentioned anyone can get cold sores at anytime, but that's not true unless I kissed someone with the herpes virus and contracted it which would be impossible because I'm married. Neither my husband or I have the virus so there's no way we could ever have a cold sore from the herpes virus.

2hage4kids, of course I'm paranoid about whooping cough etc too! Anything that can potentially hurt my baby is my concern. Only reason I'm specifying cold sores/herpes is because I know people who have it who will be interacting with the baby. Also, when someone catches the herpes virus there is no cure.

 

[x__amour]

Cold sores can be transmitted with no symptoms showing at all. It's scary how contagious it is.

 

[Rachel320]

The highest risk is when a sore is right about to appear or in the beginning stages. DH received cold sores as a child from a family member and passed it along to me. We both get cold sores 1-2x a year and we're just safe about it. No kissing anyone, no sharing anything, etc,. I'm fairly confident someone who is experienced with cold sores would not kiss your child.

That being said, I would STILL request baby not to be kissed. I think the line, "'We ask everyone to please not kiss [insert name] on her face because this can pass viruses that are harmless to adults but deadly to children." is very reasonable to say.

Thanks for the advice. Are you 'safe about it' even when you don't have an active cold sore?

When you say you're confident that someone who is experienced with cold sores wouldn't kiss a child, do you mean you don't think they'd kiss a child even when they didn't have a sore? My sister in law almost took for granted that people kiss her baby on the lips when saying bye etc which I always thought was so crazy. Some people just don't think about it, even if they get cold sores throughout the year!

My opinion is that if you're not the parent then don't risk it with grandchildren etc. I'd much rather cause a little bit of offence than have my baby contract the cold sore virus.

 

[2have4kids]

Here are the facts about when cold sores are most contagious:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cold-sore/basics/causes/con-20021310

I wish you all the best with your shower/meet n greet, have fun!

 

[x__amour]

Thanks for the advice. Are you 'safe about it' even when you don't have an active cold sore?

When you say you're confident that someone who is experienced with cold sores wouldn't kiss a child, do you mean you don't think they'd kiss a child even when they didn't have a sore? My sister in law almost took for granted that people kiss her baby on the lips when saying bye etc which I always thought was so crazy. Some people just don't think about it, even if they get cold sores throughout the year!

My opinion is that if you're not the parent then don't risk it with grandchildren etc. I'd much rather cause a little bit of offence than have my baby contract the cold sore virus.

We've had the virus for so long we know before it forms so other than that, it's like we live without it. We've never had an issue but that's just us.

I mean if a sore was present not to kiss a baby. It would be so odd for me though for anyone to kiss our children on the lips. If that's something you also wouldn't want, I would express it as well.

 

[03babysquish]

You don't just get cold sores from kissing. You can get it from sharing a glass with someone, using chapstick, using the same utensils, and a million other ways. They are less common ways, but it is possible. Also, most people actually have a strain of herpes and don't know it. You can have it for years with no outbreak, and then one day four years later and get it. That goes for both cold sores and genital herpes.

 

[Rachel320]

Thanks for the advice. Are you 'safe about it' even when you don't have an active cold sore?

When you say you're confident that someone who is experienced with cold sores wouldn't kiss a child, do you mean you don't think they'd kiss a child even when they didn't have a sore? My sister in law almost took for granted that people kiss her baby on the lips when saying bye etc which I always thought was so crazy. Some people just don't think about it, even if they get cold sores throughout the year!

My opinion is that if you're not the parent then don't risk it with grandchildren etc. I'd much rather cause a little bit of offence than have my baby contract the cold sore virus.

We've had the virus for so long we know before it forms so other than that, it's like we live without it. We've never had an issue but that's just us.

I mean if a sore was present not to kiss a baby. It would be so odd for me though for anyone to kiss our children on the lips. If that's something you also wouldn't want, I would express it as well.

Thanks amour. Do you think I need to specify that people don't kiss my baby on the lips (which hubby and I won't even be doing) when the text will say 'cuddles only'? Here's my redraft of the sentence -

'We also ask everyone to please not kiss [name], as this can pass viruses that are harmless to adults but deadly to babies and children, onto her. Cuddles only please.'

I think if my mother or sister in law came to visit my baby for the first time (or even just when the baby is so young) with a cold sore I would FREAK OUT. But they could safety visit with an active sore so long as they don't kiss the baby right?

 

[crazy4baby09]

Just be prepared for the reactions that some people will have to your requests. We set the same boundaries you are for the same reasons (we have several family members with cold sores) plus we don't want anyone to kiss them on the lips (we don't either). I will say that my inlaws fought our decisions and threw tantrums about it and overall have tried to make us out to be horrible parents because we wont let them do what they want. There reasoning is that they are grandparents so we shouldn't put restrictions on what they can do with their grandchildren. We have a torn relationship with them now and because of their behavior we no longer trust them. I will also say that we didn't expect this type of behavior from them it totally came out of left field. So just be prepared for how people react. I hope that it goes over well for you and that your family has commons sense to respect your wishes regarding the safety of your child! Good luck!