28 and a half weeks. Now single and dont know what to do

[sherelle]

Hi Everyone.

I have been looking on here and reading people's stories and its helped, so i thought i would join and introduce myself.

My name is Sherelle, im 23 and 28 1/2 weeks pregnant. I have been/was with fob for 4 1/2 years.

So this is my story. Fob and i werent getting on amazingly when i found out i was pregnant but we had been together 4 years and i just assumed it was a little phase like before so i was really happy when i found out. He was a bit aprehensive at first but then quickly came round to the idea and was happy too. Everything was going fine, we argued on occassion (but doesnt everyone). When i was about 3 months pregnant i was at home on my own one day and i looked at his emails (i dont know why, i just got it in my head) i soon saw that he had been emailing a girl from work and she was telling him that she was really bummed out that he was going to be a dad etc, his replies werent that flirty (from what i could see) but i was still really upset. I confornted him when he got home and it was turned round to me "overreacting" and apparently she was just his friend and someone else had given her his email address. We were still arguing and he dropped the bombshell on me that he wasnt sure if he loved me anymore and he was "confused" and needed time to think. We talked and agreed that when i moved out we were going to just see how it went but would not officially be broken up. I looked in to moving and worked out that i couldnt really afford to move out til when i started getting SMP and would get some extra help towards rent etc so we agreed that i would continue living here and we would still be a couple as i do not feel comfortable with sharing my bed with somebody would isnt my boyfriend. well since then its been very up and down, when its just me and him we are the best of friends, we get on so well and are the perfect couple but when it comes to his work friends (which largely consist of alot of women around our age) he changes into a totally different person. He thinks it is acceptable to have women from work txting him loads and if i say anything im being "paranoid". When he goes out with them he thinks its ok to come home at all hours even though he doesnt actually go clubbing. Recently he had stopped going out as much and we were getting on really well. But the final straw was Friday night, it was his last day so a load of them were going out to the pub. When he got home after work he showed me his leaving card and one of the girls he worked with had written something flirty in it so i wasnt very happy. He went out. At 2.15am he still wasnt home (the pub/bar he went to shuts about 1am) so i txt him asking where he was. He txt me saying he was walking home with a load of people and that he lost his house key so i would have to let him in when he got back. He turned up home at 3am! baring in mind he knew i was up waiting to let him in he still (with 2 other blokes) walked some girls home (including the one that had written something flirty in his card) went in to theirs and ordered a taxi home from there!? why couldnt he have just got a taxi straight home?! especially as he knew i was up waiting to let him in. Iv tried talking to him about it as i dont want an awkward atmosphere as i have to still live here for another 8 weeks but all i get is "i shouldnt have to have a curfew" "i didnt come home earlier cos i was still having fun and wanted to stay out" and "if its that much of a problem next time ill sleep at my mums" It seems like he has absolutely no consideration for me whatsoever, he doesnt think he should have to come home at a decent time baring in mind he wakes me up when he gets in because the only bed we have is mine and theres just no need to be out til all hrs anyway. When he isnt going out we have absolutely no problems but as soon as he is out he turns into a completely different person. So i told him i was fed up of it and that i was done. The only thing is that im still stuck here living with him in the meantime, there's only one bed and whenever i say you can sleep on the sofa he refuses and says if i dont let him sleep in my bed he will kick me out (he pays the rent, i pay other bills)

I dont know what to do. I have said we are broken up but i still foolishly love him and just wish he would change. Why cant he just think of me and the baby first for a change. I dont expect him not to go out but i think if he isnt going clubbing why does he need to get in past 2am when he knows i cant sleep when he isnt there and even if i am asleep he is going to come in and wake me up. I am still working full time at the mo so need all the sleep at the weekends i can get. I also think i might be a bit anemic (had bloods done Thursday) so that doesnt help.

Any advice extremely welcome

Thanks

Sherelle

 

[xxfluffyxx]

heya!! wow you are going thru alot!! My story is quite similar(with the guy 4years,werent getting on that great when I fell pregnant,great for the first 3months,nights out began etc...) and then BANG!! things went from bad to worse and now im completely alone!! terrifes about labour etc...all he does is party and go out and put pics of his fun(in other girls company) all over facebook!!! while I sit here heartbroken trying to get things ready etc.......... anyway I think it is harder for you that everything is so up in the air!! I know you love this guy and are carrying his child and feel he should be more considerate,which he should..but things are ALL OVER THE PLACE!! you need to get out of that house NOW!! your putting yourself thru more misery and heartbreak by staying there!! try and see can you stay with a friend or family member or evn see can they sumhow financially help you at work!! If your not"together" then im sorry to say it but hes entitled to go out until whatever time he wants to and it does sound like you are smothering him a little!! ( i did it too as it hurt and frustrated me that he could have no responsibility and go out ALL THE TIME!! while I was left out of the equation at home carrying BOTH of our baby () I understand where you are coming from...honestly!!...........you never know,maybe he is just getting scared as the time approaches nearer the birth etc....and he wants to get it off his chest and get all the nights out out of the way b4 the baby arrives!! you need to give him space!! .....at the same time dont be a doormat! let him miss you and see what he does.look after yourself and your bump!.I dont know the guy or if he has cheated on you b4 but to me it sounds like he is just out having fun with his friends and is been a jerk in a sense that he is not considering you,waiting up to let him in,coming in at all hours etc....what did the card say??...if you have any kind of relationship with his mam mayb you could have a whisper in her ear so she knows where your coming from and myt tell him to COPP on!! .........best a luck!! xxxxxx add me and message me netime k?

 

[sherelle]

Thanks xxfluffyxx i totally agree with what you wrote.

I know i am probably too harsh on him sometimes but i really dont wanna feel like im being treated like a mug.

I dont really have anywhere else to live at the mo couldnt even really move in with my parents because i dont speak to my dad. I know its making it worse by still being here but at the mo i dont really have an option and even though its rubbish at the mo sometimes i still wanna be around him

She wrote something like "what will i do without you, who will wash my hands for me?! luv naomi" probably doesnt sound v flirty to you but alot of when his talking about work involves her like she is always hanging around and im sure he has got a few txts from her aswell. I dont think he has actually physically cheated but i think he probably acts with her in a way that would upset me and he is overly flirty.

Its just such a complicated situation because until it comes to going out and his friends we get on so well

Sorry to hear about your situation sounds similar to mine in alot of ways.

I think as soon as we have our babies and hold them for the first time nothing else will matter and everything will fall into place things happen for a reason

xxx

 

[gemabee]

i completely agree with what fluffy says!
it sounds pretty much like u still think of u both as a couple... whereas he likes to have the best of both worlds... havin u part-time nd his single life part-time.
this isn't fair on u at all... nd ur hangin onto him for dear life when what u actually need to do is cut loose nd move on!!
is it his flat? or both of ur flats... because he should be the man nd move out... ur the pregnant one... u need a home for u nd ur little one. nd it needs to be seperate from this loser!!
please please please jus get out of this situation... u may think he's out of order for the way he's actin... when he's really jus actin like a single man nd thats what he wants to be.
u need to jus be strong for u nd ur baby... nd forget bout him. trust me... i know its hard... everyone in this forum has been through / is still goin through what ur goin through. but take all the support u can nd move on.
xx xx

 

[xxfluffyxx]

i completely agree with what fluffy says!
it sounds pretty much like u still think of u both as a couple... whereas he likes to have the best of both worlds... havin u part-time nd his single life part-time.
this isn't fair on u at all... nd ur hangin onto him for dear life when what u actually need to do is cut loose nd move on!!
is it his flat? or both of ur flats... because he should be the man nd move out... ur the pregnant one... u need a home for u nd ur little one. nd it needs to be seperate from this loser!!
please please please jus get out of this situation... u may think he's out of order for the way he's actin... when he's really jus actin like a single man nd thats what he wants to be.
u need to jus be strong for u nd ur baby... nd forget bout him. trust me... i know its hard... everyone in this forum has been through / is still goin through what ur goin through. but take all the support u can nd move on.
xx xx

THIS LADY TALKS SENSE!!!!!! I am going thru it RIGHT NOW if someone thinks you are not worth the time and effort when you are doing something so beautiful and precious and isnt willling to give you the love and support you need THEYR NOT WORTH IT!!!
be as strong as you can!!!! let him go!! f*ck him!! if hes in any way worth it he may copp on and see sense!! the only way is if you stop lettin him have any kind of an advantage over you and let him know your serious,wont stand for it and let him miss you!! and if not..............well you wiill be 100times better off and stronger!!.....you deserve an asset,not a liability! xx

 

[gemabee]

i completely agree with what fluffy says!
it sounds pretty much like u still think of u both as a couple... whereas he likes to have the best of both worlds... havin u part-time nd his single life part-time.
this isn't fair on u at all... nd ur hangin onto him for dear life when what u actually need to do is cut loose nd move on!!
is it his flat? or both of ur flats... because he should be the man nd move out... ur the pregnant one... u need a home for u nd ur little one. nd it needs to be seperate from this loser!!
please please please jus get out of this situation... u may think he's out of order for the way he's actin... when he's really jus actin like a single man nd thats what he wants to be.
u need to jus be strong for u nd ur baby... nd forget bout him. trust me... i know its hard... everyone in this forum has been through / is still goin through what ur goin through. but take all the support u can nd move on.
xx xx

THIS LADY TALKS SENSE!!!!!! I am going thru it RIGHT NOW if someone thinks you are not worth the time and effort when you are doing something so beautiful and precious and isnt willling to give you the love and support you need THEYR NOT WORTH IT!!!
be as strong as you can!!!! let him go!! f*ck him!! if hes in any way worth it he may copp on and see sense!! the only way is if you stop lettin him have any kind of an advantage over you and let him know your serious,wont stand for it and let him miss you!! and if not..............well you wiill be 100times better off and stronger!!.....you deserve an asset,not a liability! xx

hehe... love you fluffy!
seriously to the op tho... the ladies on this forum have got me through a lot... nd have always been on hand to talk to me when i've felt down... if u ever need someone to talk to i'm here (so's fluffy) nd so's the rest of the ladies on here xx

 

[BButterflies]

I disagree with those who say you should leave him. He seems very honest with you; he showed you the card, you knew where he was when he was out, he was with other guys and not just girls, he wasn't ignoring you and text you back etc. Sometimes men get scared they will loose all their friends and opportunities to go out when they become a Dad, I'm sure he is just making the most of his 'freedom'.

Remember for Dads they aren't a parent until the baby is born but for mothers, they are from conception. I doubt he feel like he has any responsibility yet because the baby isn't here yet. It is difficult to grasp something yo can't see/feel yourself and I think that is what it is for men.

I do know how you feel though. I hate it when OH tells me he will be home about 12 and doesn't come back til 2. Drives me mental but if you trust him then try not to make him feel like he always has a kerfew etc. but still let him know that he needs to be considerate.

Hope it works out, it would be silly to throw a family and 4 years of relationship away because of a few nights out

 

[emme]

hiya hun, seems like he's not ready to be a parent, let alone be in a serious relationship, where do you live? you will get help if youre a single parent, go and see citizens advice and explain the situation they will tell you your options, if you ever need to talk just pm me ok xx emma xx

 

[gemabee]

I disagree with those who say you should leave him.

but she has said they have already broken up nd that they discussed it... he said he didn't think he loves her anymore nd that she was to move out...
he's already made it obvious to her that he doesn't want a relationship with her... she needs the courage nd support to get away from this distructive 'relationship'.
he needs the space to grow up nd accept his responsibilities... then if they come back together again that will be awesome... they will both be strong nd mature individuals which is what their child needs.
i don't think u should be tellin her that she shouldn't be throwin this relationship away... because its him that has done that nd not fair to put it on her when she has tried nd tried to make it work when it still isn't goin anywhere.

any updates sherelle??
xxx

 

[popples]

Hi,
I'm new to this site and I am surprised at how tolerate women are when men are behaving badly. I know when you love somebody and you are carrying their baby emotions are running high and as women we do make excuses for our men but if a man is not showing you the respect you deserve you need to seriously think is he worthy of your love? Sherelle I agree that you should have finished with him. Why should you tolerate him coming in late and telling you that you are being paranoid? You will have a baby to bring up and you don't want to be bringing up two. Yes fatherhood is a big thing for men too and it does appear that men take longer to grow up then women but why be miserable in the interim? You set your boundaries about what you are prepared to tolerate and you stick to them. In my experience if you are with someone who pushes you to get what they want, in other words, a selfish man then you will continue to forgive unacceptable behaviour and where is the incentive for them to change? Some women can turn a blind eye to almost everything for the sake of keeping the family together but are they truly happy and what example does this set for their children when they grow up? I strongly believe if more women had the guts to go it alone when they are being messed about that men would realize that they can't have the best of both worlds. I loved my partner after he left me pregnant at 12 weeks, then found out he was with his ex who was also 35 weeks pregnant. I contacted her to tell her he had been in a relationship with me for the past 6yrs and what happened? She turned against me as if I am the whore of babylon, he is forgiven and I haven't heard from the pair of them since. I am now 32 weeks pregnant and happy. I don't love or even like him after all the lies and I feel as if I've had a lucky escape. I don't understand women who turn on other women without knowing the full truth but I'm sure he has manipulated and lied his way out of the situation. I'm sure he will cheat on her again once he feels it is safe to stray again. His own childhood was messed up, he clearly doesn't know the difference between doing right and wrong and what happens he's forgiven! Lesson learnt - zero! He planned our pregnancy knowing his ex was pregnant. Some men are brilliant at making sure their needs are met regardless of who gets hurt along the way and I'm sorry treating them like children is not going to help them learn.
Having a baby is a marvellous thing and for all I've been through I wouldn't change my situation. Love for a selfish partner soon diminishes when you are facing the responsibility on your own and having no contact with them. You realize its not true love and what is the point in loving someone who is incapable of loving you back. Sherelle you and your baby deserve the best. Go it alone, get your dignity back and met someone when your ready. If your boyfriend promises the world, you tell him what you expect from him and dont forgive him if he lets you down.

Good Luck
X

 

[Broody85]

hi, iv never posted in this forum before but i like to stalk once in a while as i broke up with my bf of 5 years in july. i find that reading some of your stories helps me put things into perspective and helps me realise im doing the right thing and that there are other women out there going through the same thing....im not alone. although i do have to add that im not a mummy or mummy to be (hope its still ok to post here)

Anyway, to sherelle.

My situation was pretty similar to yours. We got on great when it was just the 2 of us but as soon as other ppl were involved (girls) i turned into an obsessive/paranoid woman! I admit i just cant handle him being friends with girls where flirting goes on. i understand that men need friends and they should be allowed friends who are girls, hell i have plenty of male friends. i also understand that a little bit of flirting can be healthy. but like you i found msgs from 1 girl reading...and i quote

"Sorry for how nervous I was today, i had sweaty palms, that means you're nervous dont it? Twas fun though, nervous but fun.

I was gonna come up with a rhyme for you, i was thinking bout it on the way home but i could only think of rude ones... well here goes

roses are red
violets are blue
i would quite like to have sex with you
it would be great
we'd be up til late
you know that you want too

haaar funny meeeeeeeeeeeeee.

well have muchos fun at foosball dont twist a hip or out like that!

big love xxx"

this was in febuary and it still makes me feel sick reading it back. like you he fobbed it off as being nothing and told me they had went to town looking for valentines presents for me and her bf! however, this really made me lose a lot of trust in him as he was living away from me at the time and i just found it very hard to trust him after this.

anyway things slowly got worse. i have always hated him going out and especially when he doesnt get in til 5am etc. but then you have to think...why not? its his life. if you wernt pregnant wouldnt u be doing the same? i no i do when im out and i do exactly what i hate him doing but it is all very innocent. when you have had a few drinks you tend to lose track of time and just dont care as much....however i dont feel that has a reflection on the way he feels about u. its just how things are iykwim. im in no way sticking up for him here. im just trying to see it from both sides of the story. Also when you say he talks about her a lot when he talks about work. i heard that that means nothing is going on. think about it. if he felt guilty about anything then he wouldnt even mention her?!!

having said that, i still broke up with my bf over similar reasons to you and i truely feel it was the right decision for me....although i do still find it very raw and hard to come to terms with and like you say "sometimes i still wanna be around him " but hun, its not healthy. i think time away from eachother is key here to really work out what you want...maybe go "on a break" from eachother. oh also the im not sure if i love you comment happened with us. i cant imagine going through this and still having to live under the same roof let alone sleep in the same bed whilst carying his child. my heart goes out to you, but you can do this.

sorry for the massive reply that probs doesnt make a whole load of sense but please know your not alone and please be strong for your own sake. at least until you know exactly what you want. My view as well is that he also needs to know what he wants. do u really want to be with a guy who is unsure how he feels about u? no! u want a guy who is going to treat you like the most important thing in the world!

sending hugs your way x