3.5 year old not listening..

[Brightxeyes]

I'm getting myself worked up over it now, as I'm pregnant and worried every time I'm getting stressed out, it's stressing out the baby.

My son won't listen to me. I have to repeat myself.. 20 times.. I end up having to ask my other half, or whoever else is with me, to tell him, and most of the time he'll bloody do it. But even then, he's also started to be very cheeky with my other half too.

Like at first I thought okay he's just taking the mick with me and pushing his boundaries.. but it's getting past a joke now. It's upsetting me. I can't say I've enjoyed being a parent since before he was 2, because he just ends up getting me so upset like I'm just a really crap parent or something.

His room, it's totally covered in toys, he breaks his toys because he's rough, I mean it's not like he's totally nasty, but I tell him to calm down and play gently with cars or whatever, breaks the cars and doesn't learn from it.

I say don't do something, and he will then do it on purpose, no matter what the punishment is. I've had to drag him up to bed crying, and he just gets over it so quick it's like he's not understanding that hey I should stop doing what I was told not to do.

He's also having problems with socialising at nursery, he's never been around kids, I don't have many friends and don't know anyone with kids even close to his age. No cousins etc either. The times I have took him out for little play dates, I've ended up crying in the car on the way home because he actually turned into a freaking demon child shrieking when it was time to go. He horrified the other kids. So I avoid it entirely. The looks I get from the parents I just can't take anymore. I don't RSVP to the birthday parties he gets invited to at nursery.

He's started throwing at nursery, and pushing, smacking, snatching. Seems like they've given him chances to stop while he's at nursery, but he's still not getting it. He'll say, repeatedly, that smacking is naughty, that throwing is naughty, snatching is naughty, but he won't follow through with it. The repetitiveness of everything he says is also a worry too. He'll say the same thing, even though you reply, or acknowledge what he's saying, you can even ask him to stop saying it, to the point where you have to tell him off to stop him saying it for the 50th time. I see the other kids at nursery and they seem to be having more conversations than he does.

He's even having like a support teacher help him with that side of things, but god knows if that'll help.

Just worried that I'm upsetting the baby, and that my son will absolutely hate change and hate the baby, or hurt the baby because he's throwing things.

I've tried the naughty step, tried no treats, no youtube, no toys, straight to bed. Everything. My other half has even taken every single thing out of his room before, because he's wound both of us up so so much.

I'm sick of shouting. Really sick of shouting. I never wanted to be a shouty parent, but there's only so many ways you can ask nicely and be patient, and try distractions to get him to behave. By the time I get to the point of shouting, I want to cry, I'm borderline panic attack, and then I just worry that I'm hurting the baby somehow?

I'm just so fed up.

 

[amytrisha]

To start with your not hurting the baby!

It’s such a tough age, I’m seeing so much improvement with my DS recently. He doesn’t listen to his dad much but seems to listen to me as I’m much firmer.
What is he doing when your asking him to do things? Like if he’s watching tv and ignoring you do you turn it off or remove the toy he’s playing with? Have you tried saying ‘in one minute I’d like you to do this xyz’ so he knows he only has a minute left of whatever he’s doing?
If he ignores you, take his hand and guide him to where you want him to go (this is what our sons nursery have done since the age of 2 and we ended up incorporating it at home too).

If he’s breaking his toys, ask him to put them in the bin when broken. If it doesn’t phase him then fair enough but don’t replace them, the way I see it is they’re his belongings but once they’re broken they’re gone.
Obviously if he breaks your things that’s a different story.

For discipline shouting really doesn’t work for us, I getndown to his level and explain I will count to 3 and if he doesn’t stop or doesn’t do xyz then he will have to go into the other room til he is ready to stop or do as I’ve asked. I don’t even get to 3 anymore.

Different things work for different people but please work with nursery! Speak to them and make a plan between you all and just stick at it.

I’d say try not to isolate yourselves due to his behaviour, kids are assholes (sorry not sorry) so don’t be embarrassed! We’ve all been there! When your leaving make sure he know he’s got 2 minutes left or one more turn on the slide for example. Also leaving to do something else can be helpful like ‘time to go and pick daddy up’ or ‘time to go are you going to help me wash some dishes with the water?’.

Obviously you’ve probably tried most things, I’m surprised I’ve still got hair so I know how you feel but it does and will pay off you won’t see any instant changes that’s for sure but be persistent and try so hard not to yell, even if it means giving yourself 5 minutes breathing time elsewhere.

Big hugs xx

 

[BabyBlondex]

I’m so sorry your going through this, I have a 3 and a half year old that has now finally calmed down. But he was the baby as he has an older sister so I found myself a lot more relaxed with him, if he was TERRIBLE then obviously I’d intervene but if he broke something of his I’d just be like oh well it’s broken now! He still has his moments specially when tired, the other night he was really tired and would stood on his iPad and would not listen to my partner, we were both telling him calmly and he wouldn’t budge, so I got down to his level and explained how sad he would feel if it broke and he got of instantly, I guess they do just get on with it in time and I guess as your having a new baby he might be aware of these changes? When I was pregnant with ds, dd then 19 months - 2.4years changed from angel to demon, but it was only over time i realised it was her own way of expressing she needed a bit more attention, and it is kind of hard to when your pregnant and all you want to do is rest (&#128542 the guilt. But both kids corrected themselves and right now touch wood, their both amazing! Dd is now 6 and ds is 4 soon and they are so well behaved right now, except when they decide to play up and tag team against me so I find myself flipping at the two of them and they think it’s highly amusing which in the end sends us all into fits of giggles!

I think just persevere with what your doing chick, he may change when baby is here, or he may just come out of this awful stage on his own.

Sorry I’ve got no real advice but I’ve been there, I just left them to it and they were fine in the end, and don’t feel so guilty about not wanting to go on many more play dates of parties, but try and keep taking him as the more he goes the more he will learn off others to communicate in the correct way. He’s still young and still learning to express himself I guess!

Your doing fab though I know how hard it is being pregnant with a young child to look after.

💕

 

[Jesse7]

I feel you, i have recently had a rough time with my 3 year old, i think its a tough age. Personally i think i have been a little two relaxed with her, my first child has been so easy that i never had to discipline him that much. i guess i was caught off guard with my strong willed little 3 year old girl. i have started setting strong boundaries and i make sure that i follow through with what i say because unfortunately in the past i would warn her and then not follow through so often she wouldn't take me seriously. It definitely helps to be consistent and strong! good luck!

 

[jessmke]

I would stop telling him 20 times to do something. I tell my 2 1/2 year old daughter to do something once, if she doesn't listen I tell her what the consequence is for not listening, if she still doesn't do what I asked then I follow through with the consequence. For example I'll tell her to clean up her crayons/put on her pajamas/stop hiting her brother/etc, if she doesn't do it then I'll tell her that if she doesn't listen to me then her crayons will go in the garbage/she will go to bed without stories/she'll have a time out in her room/etc, if she continues to ignore my request then I immediately follow through with the consequence. I rarely have to follow through with the discipline anymore because she now does what he is told immediately or after I remind her of the consequence.

How much outside active play is he getting? I find my toddler is like a dog, her behaviour is so much worse without adequate outdoor exercise!

 

[Brightxeyes]

Sorry I've not replied earlier! Thank you for your comments!

I am going to try the whole 'ask them once and if not, naughty step' rather than asking several times, or more, and then naughty step.

It's a bit difficult as sometimes I'm juggling work inbetween keeping everything else in the house going. I make wax melts at home, my partners had to take over the making, but I'll sit with a big box at the table and label while my son is making a train track on the floor. My partner's business is struggling, so under a lot of pressure to get my to do lists done on time so I have time to market my own business and make it grow incase his really does bite the dust.

A lot of my concerns with his behaviour, I google and it always comes up with autism, but I don't think it's that. But yesterday I came across an article on asperges at 3 years old... and a lot of things do add up. I'm also thinking possibly ADHD (his Dad was the same) they both fidget a lot, they cannot keep still. Cuddling on the sofa to watch a film is rare! Sometimes he'll sit for fifteen minutes then he just wants to do something, but I hear a lot of other moms having a nice film and cuddle! There has been a few rare times, with certain films when hes sat practically the whole way through.

His repetitiveness when talking, I think that is a little bit more beyond 'normal toddler repeating themselves'. He'll say 'what are you doing?' and you'll answer him, and he'll keep going, until you almost have to tell him off for him to stop, it's not just like 10 times, it can be up to 100 times if you don't get him to stop.

He has intense interest in cars and trains. Knows a lot about parts and things. He's very intelligent and knew his ABC's, numbers, colours, shapes very very early, and he can read smaller words, and even give bigger words a good try and be nearly right. I read reading words early can be a sign, but not really understanding some words.

When it comes to social interactions I don't think he's having a proper conversation with other kids at nursery, or us actually. I'll ask him what hes done that day and he sometimes won't answer or he'll only say 'played with cars and trains' or 'painted pictures'. Where as I see other kids talking their parents heads off about what theyve done that day.

I'm worried that my social awkwardness has rubbed off on him too, and I am hoping it's just that and he'll improve with time.

He has had a support teacher organised for him, so I'm going to ask for an update on Monday. I think they're looking out for any potential problems socialising.

We don't get opportunity to socialise with other kids that much as I don't know anyone.


The other day I could have cried when one of the kids from nursery waited for oliver, held his hand and said 'you're coming to my house to play with toys' (we didn't, his mom had no idea haha but obviously they wanted to invite him over) the kid was saying what toys he was going to share with him and called him his best friend.

So that was a little ray of hope and I did say to the mom 'aww we'll have to arrange a play date'.

I just think his talking isn't coming across very well, and maybe his understanding of when I'm talking to him isn't going across to him either, and maybe thats why he won't listen?

Obviously sometimes hes just stubborn, but yeah.

I'm rambling some more. I just hope that he likes the baby too, and I am hoping that it'll improve his social skills too, having a sibling.

I am going to push myself to take the baby to a baby play group or something, because I feel like my social anxiety has just messed up the social skills for my son. Like if I'd have taken him out more often somewhere would he be better with other kids and generally more well behaved?

 

[BunnyN]

My 3 year old seems to struggle with processing when I tell him to do things. I find general instructions like pick up your toys don't really work. He gets overwhelmed and starts messing about acting cheeky and naughty. If I say something more specific like put that car in that box he doesn't have a problem. I praise him and ask him to do another task. It makes him much happier and generally better behaved once he feels like he is being good. Of course being firm and following through is very important but I find I have to make sure I do it in a focused way. Being specific about things I know he can cope with and following through after. Now I try only to tell him off for things I have just clearly told him and he has understood. I find it important not to tell him off for things that are not deliberate. It easy to start telling him off for everything like knocking over that box, spilling the milk, making a mess with his toys but that just winds him up and makes him naughty. If I just explain gently explain to be more careful and then ask him to help me pick it up etc it works better. Once he feels like he is naughty he has no reason to behave or listen to anything I tell him and it's hard to get him back from that state.

That is just my 3 year old. Every child is different so none of that might be your issue bit I thought I would share what has worked for us incase it helps.

 

[jessmke]

I totally agree that being very specific with your instructions helps a ton! My DD is expected to put her toys away every night before bed. It has taken a year for us to just be able to say "go put your toys away" and have her listen to us, even now if there are tons of toys out she needs more specific direction. It's like she gets overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start and gets distracted. So we'll tell her to go park her cars, put away your books, etc. Often we will organize the toys for her, we'll put all the blocks together on the floor, stack the books up for her, etc which really seems to help, so when we tell her to put her blocks away she can find them all in one place instead of having to search around the room for them which almost always ends up with her getting distracted. She knows that if she doesn't listen when we tell her to clean up that she won't get a bath before bed, and if she continues to not listen then she will go straight to bed withou stories either.

As far as not being able to sit on the couch to watch a film and cuddle, my DD won't do that either. She's younger, only 2.5 years old, but she has a very short attention span for just sitting and watching tv. We've never really tried to watch a film with her, but she has watched a tv show occasionally and gets bored after 10 minutes. The only thing she can really pay attention to on tv is Cosmic Kids Yoga because she is doing the yoga poses while listening to the stories.

When my DD starts asking questions over and over and over I distract her by asking her a question, or I'll say "listen, I can hear your baby crying, I think she needs milk" or something so it shifts her focus to something else. It drives me crazy when she asks what I'm doing a million times, especially when she is looking right at me and she can see exactly what I'm doing!

One other thing that has really helped us is to make sure we focus on praising her good behaviour as much or even more than we scold her for bad behaviour. I noticed that we were quick to discipline bad behaviours, but when she was being good we never really acknowledged it. So now if she cleans something up without being asked to, or shares a toy with her brother, does something immediately when asked, uses manners without being prompted, etc we make a big deal to tell her what a good girl she is. That has made a massive difference in her behaviour, and you can tell from her expressions that she is really proud of herself.

 

[Brightxeyes]

I'm trying my best not to get stressed out taking him out, like today, it took me a thousand times longer while we were out, and he still flipped out over things he wants while going to a few shops. Luckily the shopping centre had recently added this kids ride on train that goes through the whole centre so I could distract him with 'shall we go see if the train went this way?'

Trying the distraction technique for everything today. Luckily I wasn't in a hurry, as I'm trying to get every important errand done while he's at nursery. It's never enough time some days though! But I didn't feel stressed out myself today, so I'm happy about that.

Really curious about this assesment at the nursery (think its through SENCO as they dont think his social skills are where they should be) but it doesn't sound like he's been assigned anyone yet to come see him. I'm double checking tomorrow as the teachers seemed rushed today.

I do try and break down tasks, like pick up the trains, then the track etc. I try to only let him have one box of toys down to play with. So he has to put away his cars if he wants to build a train track etc. He was really good at tidying at one point but lately he seems really cheeky when saying no.

Its just frustrating how he can have a super good few weeks or months doing things or progressing with listening and then he'll become worse all of a sudden.