39 yrs old, scared, alone and pregnant

[AtATotalLoss]

Please can somone offer me any advice. To cut a long story short, I fell in love with a guy who I beleived felt the same way about me. However, I discovered the other week that he only used me for my money and that he never loved me and has been seeing other women, particularly his ex girlfriend, behind my back. We are not together any more as he assaulted me and has tried to steal my identity by opening up accounts in my name (that's another story!). I found out early this week that I am expecting his baby though. I hate this guy and want nothing to do with him. My dilemma is I have always wanted a child but not like this. I always thought that I'd be a partner and in a stable relationship and have never wanted to be a single parent as I don't know if I will be able to cope on my own. I have little support around and my folks are in their 60s and have said that I will have to move out if I have the child. My fear is that I am 39 years old and that if I abort I may not have the chance of having a child again. But I don't want to be on my own though. Please can anyone offer any advice as I'm at a total loss. This guy in question is utter scum which I found out too late, and has totally ruined my life both financially and emotionally. Thanks. x

 

[mummy3]

You should be careful discussing abortion here as its against the rules. I have a daughter who was the product of an awful relationship, I went through most of the pregnancy alone and met someone new when she was 2.
It sounds like you very much want this child, your child.
There is help out there, Im sorry you are in this position, would your parents not come round?

 

[dom85]

You've said that you always wanted a child, and if that's still the case then the cirsumstances dont really matter.

I know it's scary now as its so new so dont do anything until you're absolutely sure.

I can understand some of your dilemma, I was told that I wouldn't be able to conceive without medical help, but I did, and not in great circumstances. I think the only regret that I'll ever have is that when I found out I was pregnant my first thought was s**t and not absolute elation as I always thought that it would be if I was lucky enough to get pregnant. I was also still living with my parents and in a bit of a mess financially because of debts I'd racked up as a student.

Honestly, Brady has been the making of me. I got of my a*se and sorted out a plan which means I'll be debt free in 5 years, I saved every single penny I could, moved out of my parents, and learnt to drive while still working and dealing with a complicated pregnancy on my own. Now I have the most amazing baby boy and just thank my lucky stars that he's in my life.

I'm an eternal optimist and think there's always a way around something and a way to get what you want, if this is what you want then you can make it happen. I'm not going to say that it's not hard at times, but it totally worth it.

 

[suzanne108]

The best piece of advice I ever got was this...

You might regret not having children, but you will NEVER regret having them.

Doesn't matter what the circumstances are, you'll find a way around it xxx

 

[sweetlullaby]

Agree completly with Suzanne

Things happen for a reason and we can become better people because of it!

 

[lou_w34]

Deffinatley agree with suzanne!

xxx

 

[2nd time mum]

Your child will be there for life, but men aren't always there. Even people who are married etc. can end up single parents.

Think about what you really want. How would you feel not going ahead with the pregnancy? A baby although hard work is a beautiful gift aswell. They can be so fun.

Good luck with your decision

 

[babyjay]

Im 39, pregnant, single and due in afew weeks. Your situation sounds very simular to mine. I try not worry about loosing the house because there are so many options to make things work. I have no idea how i managed to stay calm but most of it is because i work things out before the problems arise and have afew back-up plans. If you have a house like me the worst that can happen is you have to sell it and buy again later. I dont have any family and few friends that i want to bother with my situation. If i can do it so can you Just think things through and you will be fine

 

[lushious09]

At the end of the day whos to say you wont find someone new and better... its your baby nothing and no one will change that, been a single mum isint the end of the world and at 39 i would have thought ud be moved out anyways...

 

[Laura2919]

In an ideal worlds we would have kids with the same man and we would grow old together.
Its not always the case as so many of us here know. There is a lot of women on here who are pregnant and on their own, You can do it.
I dont really have any advice because my situation is completely different.
Hope things work out for you

 

[jenni44]

I am in such a similar situation. The father took off after trying to conceive. Anyway, I had all the same thoughts and fears and struggled for a month or more trying to decide what to do. The unknown is so scary. What it came down to for me was I had to eliminate my fears...I had to stop worrying about what others would think...and I had to look at what I could live with. Could I live with the loss...and more importantly being responsible for making the decision to have a loss? When I thought about what I could live with...I knew that I couldn't live with the loss...not when my heart was wanting the baby so much. Yes, the challenges we have to face are HUGE...but that is something you can DO something about. I looked at it like this...I will be working everyday toward making a good life...its a challenge but totally acheivable and the reward every day will be loving my baby and raising my child. The alternative seemed empty...and full of regret.

I'm now 3 months along and working towards ensuring I have a good place to live (so if the loser comes looking for some type of custody) I will be equipped to defend my desire for sole custody. He may never ask, but I dont want to take any risks.

 

[Maybe1stBaby]

Have you reported the physical assault and identity theft to the police and proper authorities? Perhaps your bank and the credit bureau will expunge this from your record if you explain the situation. At the very least, you will have documented evidence against him that he is abusive, if you decide to continue this pregnancy. You want to ensure both your safety and the safety of your unborn child, and statistics show pregnant women are more vulnerable to abuse.

I agree with other posters that you might regret not having children. You're 39 and you said yourself you have always wanted a child. Your parents might not support your decision if you keep it, but in doing so, you might gain your independence. It sounds like you want the child, but you're like a deer in headlights with the current circumstances. I know you can't foresee the future, but if you have always wanted a child, can you imagine a future for yourself and it, even though its conception was less than ideal?

It sounds like this is an overwhelming situation for you right now, and that's okay. Pregnancy in the best scenario (with 2 loving committed partners) can be a very emotional uncertain terrifying experience, and it sounds like you don't have to make any decisions just yet. I would write down a plan for your life, how it will change if you keep this baby, and what you want to accomplish and if you can figure out a way to be financially solvent without a partner.

There are plenty of decent men out there and you will find someone else with or without the baby. It's really up to how you want your life to turn out. If you can live with yourself at the end of the day, then whatever you decide will be best for you. No one can tell you what's right for you, but reaching out for support (in your community, online, through doctors/therapists, nonprofits, church) will help you realize you are not alone.

 

[Mummyplus3]

Although it's difficult to offer some adivce on the emotional aspect of what you are going through, I was in a simular situation, pregnant from a terrible relationship, identity theft, £1000s in debt no home etc...

It may help if you let us know whether you are in the UK or US etc, as we may be able to offer some practical advice on your situation so it doesnt seem like such a mess!

 

[Gossamyr]

Hi I am 27 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My "boyfriend" and I had been together for seven long years. I am currently pursuing a degree and my boyfriend - being the happiest man alive when we found out we were pregnant is unemployed with no health benefits whatsoever. He lives with his old man who doesn't have much either. I have already broken up with him several times before because of this (I always end up paying for everything including his bills and was also obliged to provide food on the table) and the last time we broke up, (I spent three months rejecting his reconciliation schemes and then one day gave in again after being promised the moon and the stars) I got pregnant. Here's one more thing, he is unemployed because he does'nt have a diploma..he's like always waiting for help from me and my Mum, he said that if I want him to get a job I should help him since he does'nt have anything to start with. I tried..really.. but he's always underqualified (he has tattoos in his arms and both sides of his neck). I feel so bad not being able to "help" him but somehow I know in my heart that I probably wouldn't feel as depressed as I am now if I dont take charge of our relationship too much. The other day he called me in school asking for money and since I just paid the utilities, I told him he has to wait a couple more days while I try to make some money. Then and there he just snapped and told me that I am just like those other people who doesn't give a damn about him and that he'll one one day make his own money and when that day comes he's not interested in sharing it with anyone..I reckon that includes me right? He also told me that I didn't have to bother coming home to his place (I moved in with him years ago).
It has been days since that awful conversation and he still hasn't called. I am currently staying with my mother (I'm an only child and was raised alone by my Ma) and is bombarded with academic exams with my little unborn child quickening more often than before. I miss my father's child but I knew ever since that he may not be good for me - what I cannot understand is why I keep putting myself in situations like this. Now I guess I don't really have a choice, unless I want to have a broken family even before I have one.
Anyone?

 

[whatwillbe]

Hun, he sounds like a replica of my fob, he is scum and you and your baby will be so much better off without him, you will cope because you have to ! Its not an ideal situation to bring a baby into but imagine what it would be like to be with him and have to cope with a baby too? You can do this, just try and keep strong for you and babe