4-5 year age gap

[Talia12]

All being well, my baby is due when my son will be 4 and a half years old. Me and him are so close, I was a stay at home mum to him until he started half-day school a year ago and then I became a work at home mum so I still had all the rest of the time with him. I've started to be scared of how he will feel when the baby comes. He's wonderful with babies and so affectionate, and it's not his reaction I'm worried about so much, more just his feelings. I know that everyone in my family, including (or especially) me, will be so careful to make him feel included and wanted when the baby comes, but he will still know that I'm not only his mummy any more and I'm so scared he's going to be sad. Tears are running down my face now just thinking about it (stupid hormones, ha).
I wonder if it's a difficult age to have a new sibling as most people I know have a smaller gap so their children weren't so aware of things when the new baby came, OR I know a couple of people with a bigger gap, like 6-8 years, where the older child didn't feel encroached upon by the baby. I've got myself in a state thinking my son might ever feel sad for a second thinking maybe I don't love him as much as before just because he'll have to "share" me a bit.
Does anyone else have children with a similar age gap, or had similar worries, who can share some honest experiences with me? Good or bad. And any advice you can think of. Thanks ladies.

 

[Zephram]

Aw, I had all these same thoughts when I had my second! Their age gap is 2 years and 8 months but I felt exactly the same. Welcome to a new dimension of mummy guilt.

I felt so guilty leading up to DS2's birth and the first few months after because DS1 was going to go from having 100% of my attention and being one all the time, to having 50% of my attention and coming second half the time. I still feel guilty about it in some ways as I miss that special time we had together when it was just us. The amazing thing is that what they lose with you, they gain in their sibling. My boys have each other now too, which more than makes up for it.

There will be an adjustment period for you all. I think a 4 year old will be better equipped than my 2 year old was to handle it. We had some very rough days where he just didn't understand and I don't think he liked his brother at all in the beginning. They are best mates now though and so sweet to each other (when they're not fighting over something ).

My DS2 will be about 2 years 7 months when our baby is born, so roughly the same age gap. I'm dreading it because of how DS1 reacted and looking at my 4 year old now (he'll be 5 when baby is born), I think it's going to be a great age gap between oldest and youngest as he's so much more mature and reasonable than a two year old!

And don't worry, many kids adore their siblings from day one and adapt well. They really only gain from it in the long run, even if it's difficult in the short term.

 

[Berri]

I think it's a normal feeling regardless of the age gap - figuring out how your family is going to look when your baby isn't your only baby anymore is really tough but everyone works it out (kids included) and before too long you'll wonder what you were worried about!

 

[WackyMumof2]

I've got 21 months between my first 2. I can't recall ever feeling guilty about a second child joining our family. Mind you, I'm the kind of person that deals with it when the time comes. But, in saying that, we always took DS1 to all my midwife appointments and ultrasounds as well as let him help with the baby laundry so he didn't feel he was any less loved. The day DS2 was born was a different story. He wasn't resentful but he wasn't quite so sure what to make of him but he was all over him the day he came home - and it stayed that way until DS2 turned into a pain in the butt around 2.5 years old.

There's 8.5 and 7 years between my first 2 and DS3. DS2 has ADHD so I think a baby brother has really, really helped him control his outbursts and actions because he's more aware than he could hurt him so as a result, he is really protective. He gets so angry at his older brother for touching him. DS1 on the other hand, doesn't really care too much as he's a 'been there, done it before' kind of kid but loves DS3 all the same.

Just keep your little guy in your world in preparation to the day baby arrives then make sure you give him those special 'big boy' jobs that only he can do for baby when he's home - such as picking out baby's clothes each morning or grabbing the bits you need for a nappy change. Let him help with bathing too. I think that was how we got around it. We never really thought about it how to prepare him for the arrival of DS2 at all to be honest and it never caused any issues - except when we wouldn't let him have the baby.

There is 21 months as well between my douchebag brother (that's a different story) and I, 3.5 between me and my younger sister then a huge 6.5 between me and the baby of the family. With the exception of my first sister who was just an irritable pain in the butt for everyone and was often in tears because she'd been thumped by one of us other 3, there were never any issues with any of us when Mum brought home my younger siblings. In fact, me and the baby of the family have always been very close and I remember that Mum couldn't get anywhere near her if I was at home. It will always work out.

 

[worrying]

There will be just under 4 years between my two and I'm viewing it as a positive. At this age they are so much more able to understand. We've been bigging up how much of a wonderful big sister she will be and showing her scan pictures. She is the one that has been telling people the babies sex. She also sings to my bump which makes baby kick. I tell my eldest it's because her baby sister loves her already.

There are 5 years between my brother and I. My mum had a home-birth and I met him moments after he was born. I have no memory of resenting him or feeling sad. I do remember holding him, when he learned to crawl, and his first steps though. x

 

[Talia12]

Thank you so much ladies!! Hearing all your experiences has put my mind at rest so much. I'm trying to remember that at the beginning newborns barely need any attention beyond being fed and changed, so I'll still be able to fuss over my son, and definitely I'll ask him to help me out and do big brother jobs. I feel much better about this now although no doubt I'll have another hormone attack soon haha.
Thanks

 

[annio84]

I have a very similar age gap to you. DD will be almost exactly 4 and a half when this baby arrives. I never intended to have this big a gap but with one thing and another this is how it's happened. I also never intended to have them one on top of the other. I do worry about it, especially because she's starting school next week and that's going to be a huge change for us too.

I just keep telling myself that I have to remember to give her attention just for her, and even though I want to do for baby what I did for DD I will have to step back and leave hubby with baby to give Grace some mummy time. I don't think I'll have much choice really, DH is really excited to be getting a boy.

 

[060509.x]

My DD will be one month off of 6 when this one is born. I plan and hope to keep her involved as much as possible as I do worry about her feeling pushed or left out. She has already said she will feed baby and help look after them. I've been telling her that she is going the most amazing big sister.

I just hope we can get into a routine where I can still give DD as much attention as she needs, it'll probably mean a later bedtime.

 

[Sarahcake]

I'm also viewing it as a positive. My son will be 5 when baby girl comes and he understands what is going on and is very excited for it all to happen.

I think the gap is nice as he wants to help with baby instead of feeling jealous of baby when she's here. And during the day, he will be at school and I'm home from work with baby and when he gets in from school, I can make a massive fuss of him and spend some one to one time as my partner will be home from work with the baby.

I think the older the are, the more they just get it and they are less emotionally driven to be upset and more driven to help and be good siblings.

 

[MissCherry]

I'm in the same boat. Son turns 4 in November and I'm due in Jan. I'm a sahm too and apart from the 2 hours he has at nursery he's always with me. Nervous of how he's going to react about going from only child/grandchild to having a sibling!

 

[Talia12]

All you ladies plus me giving it some more thought have led to me deciding that my idea that this was a bad age was just my guilt and anxiety, and I would've decided the same thing whether it'd been a 1, 4 or 7 year age gap haha... Him being at full time school by then will mean I can devote time and attention to the baby while he's there, with no guilt because he won't be there, and then give him as much attention as I can when he's home.

 

[MissCherry]

All you ladies plus me giving it some more thought have led to me deciding that my idea that this was a bad age was just my guilt and anxiety, and I would've decided the same thing whether it'd been a 1, 4 or 7 year age gap haha... Him being at full time school by then will mean I can devote time and attention to the baby while he's there, with no guilt because he won't be there, and then give him as much attention as I can when he's home.

This is the same mentality I have. By the time the newcomer is 8 months Ds will be in full time school leaving me with enough time for everyone. I think it's quite a nice gap just worried about the adjustment for my son mainly x

 

[waveforwellne]

My son just turned 4 and I'm due in January so they will fit right into the age gap you're describing. He's incredibly excited about his sister to be and already very protective. We'll see how that goes once the baby actually arrives and he loses a lot of the attention he is getting now but I'm pretty optimistic so far.

 

[Talia12]

My son just turned 4 and I'm due in January so they will fit right into the age gap you're describing. He's incredibly excited about his sister to be and already very protective. We'll see how that goes once the baby actually arrives and he loses a lot of the attention he is getting now but I'm pretty optimistic so far.

Me too really, but like you reserving judgement until baby comes...! People keep asking if he's excited about the baby and when I say he is they kind of go oh well you're great then! And it's like hello he is 4, there's a big difference between him thinking "yeah, baby coming, I totally get it" and the actual reality of having to share me and his dad! But I'm thinking even if there are a few difficult moments to come, the happiness of having a sibling will far outweigh that.

 

[waveforwellne]

I'm sure it will. It may take some adjustment but I'm pretty sure if he's excited now at least the probability of things being good is higher then in case he was showing aversion already now. Staying positive!