4 year old daughter has a 9 year old friend

[Sarah lo]

My 4 year old has made friends with the little girl who lives next door. Let's call her Katy. She's 9.

Because she's so much older, she goes out playing with other kids her own age down the road and my DD is too small to go with them. And because she can't go with them she doesn't want to play with my DD very often which is fair enough. She tends to blow DD off whenever she asks to play with her and only plays with her once in a while out of pity more than anything else I think.

The issue I have is that my DD is completely obsessed with her. All day long, every 5 minutes she's like "please can I go and play with Katy?" "please can Katy come for tea?" "Katy is my best friend" "please can I ask Katy to come for a sleepover?" it goes on and on like that and I don't know what to tell her. Sounds awful but I find it a bit embarrassing that she keeps knocking on next door asking for Katy and being blown off, (it's a bit like a clingy girlfriend throwing herself at a boy!) but when I try and stop her doing it she gets upset.

So firstly, is it normal for a 4/5 year old to idolise and obsess over an older kid like this? Yesterday when I took a photo of her instead of shouting "cheese!" she shouted "Katy!" no joke!

And secondly how do I explain to her that this older girl doesn't want to play with her all the time without hurting her feelings?

 

[CaptainMummy]

I think it is completely normal!
My daughter is in primary 1 and she absolutely adores some of the primary 7 girls. They just look up to them, I remember doing the same!

I would just tell her that Katy is older and likes to do different things and that although she does enjoy your daughters company, it's not always possible to play together.

 

[caz_hills]

I agree I think it's normal. My son loves playing with the kids next door to us - the son is nearly seven so two years older. He also idolises the year six kids who are 10-11 years old. But he understands that they are older and enjoy different things. He seems to get that.

I wouldn't worry about it - they also go through phases so maybe it's another phase?

 

[Sarah lo]

Oh good, thank you for the reassurance she's my oldest so I have nothing to compare her to

 

[OmarsMum]

My son had a friend who was 4 yrs older than him when he was 3-4 yrs old, now he adores my friend's daughters who are 8 & 10 and they love to play with him. It's normal although my boy doesn't have patience for children younger than him lol. He also plays with my mum's friend son who is 14 and it seems that they have mutual interests like football and playing the piano

 

[RaspberryK]

Totally normal, I probably wouldn't do anything about it xx

 

[tommyg]

Totally normal mine loves to play with the girls next door but they sort of brush him of if they have friends round. Although they do have moments when they like the big sister role.

I know there are other little kids in our estate but I have never really got to know the mums other than odd meetings at the park. But I'm hoping that will change when DS starts school.

 

[Rainbow82]

A little judgemental? Also I think the OP said that she doesn't let her four year old okay off down the road alone and that's one of the reasons why she can't play with the older girl.

I think it's normal for her to idolise the older girl but I would do what you can to stop her knocking for her and if you know her friends from school or nursery maybe try to organise some play dates with them or some other children that are her age if you can.

 

[tommyg]

you let a 4yr old play outside on there own

Why so judgemental?

I did let my 4 yo go to the park with older kids, its less than 25m way. Only once did they have an issue, one child stayed with him the other came for me.

Once you have a 4 year old you can feel free to comment what you think is right or wrong.

 

[Sarah lo]

you let a 4yr old play outside on there own

Sorry I've only just seen this.

I don't let her go out on her own, that's the problem. My 9 year old neighbour is the one who goes out on her own to play across the street but my 4 year old is not allowed to go with her because she's too small. That's why the 9 year old never wants to play with my daughter, because it means having to stay in the garden.

I hope that makes more sense than my original wording.

 

[weedle]

My son is the same, I just discourage if I see the older kids playing out together. One of the older girls has a little sister the same age as my ds so if they are all out on the front then I let him go play (before anyone gets judgemental I live in a quiet cul de sac and can see/hear him through the window at all times!)
I remember being the same at his age right up until I was probably 10/11

 

[tommyg]

Weedle sounds normal to me. But I'm also a huge believer in safety in numbers.
I wouldn't let mine go to the park alone but I will let him go with older kids.

Very much what happened with me as a child. In turn as I go bigger I took smaller kids to the park too.

 

[weedle]

I can understand people in city's not wanting their children out the front/out of sight but in the countryside it's actually very common. I guess it's where and how you were brought up. We picked our house specifically because the kids could play out happily and safely.

 

[Sarah lo]

No judgement at all here

I think whether or not to let them go out with older neighbours comes down to your own circumstances, as some of you have said you live in places where it's perfectly safe to let them out, I think that's fair enough.

We live on a busy road so I wouldn't want her crossing it by herself for a start. We get a lot of boy racers about and people who fly up and down it on motorbikes. Our cat got run over just a couple of weeks ago right outside the house And then when I say "over the road" It's not really just across the street, it's quite a distance away because our house is on a T junction and "over the road" is actually at the bottom of the road our house faces if that makes sense. Plus we've only lived here for a year and I don't know any of the families of the children she wants to play with.

If it was a quiet cul de sac and/or I knew the other kids, or if she had an older sibling I trusted to take care of her etc it wouldn't be such a big deal for me

 

[tommyg]

Sarah I wouldn't trust kids to cross a main road either.

 

[SarahBear]

Sounds normal to me. Violet has an older friend, but the difference isn't quite so big. Violet is 3.5 and her friend is 6. One major difference (besides not being obsessed) is that the relationship is reciprocal. I think the older friend mostly likes that she can walk to her house independently (two houses down and across the street) and that she can do things at our house that she can't do at her house (we have a mattress the kids are allowed to jump on and giant pillows that she likes to jump on). However, she does ask Violet to go to the park or to her house and things like that too. In terms of your situation, it's a bigger gap, not reciprocal, and there's a bit of an obsession. I'd talk to her about how there are things that big kids can do that little kids can't do and sometimes big kids want to do big kid things. Does this "friend" ever ask for your daughter to play? Are there other kids with whom you can encourage play? In terms of the older girl not wanting to be restricted to the garden, would it be possible for you to go with them on occasion?

 

[Bex84]

My 4 year old dd is friends with 10 year old, she seems to play with a few of older ones at school. Some of the kids in the class can be off with her as she has speech delay and older ones tend to be nicer. My DD best friend is in her class but I know in playground alot of older kids are very sweet and protective of her. To be honest I'm glad dd has those friends as they are not judgemental of any of sen and just like her for her

 

[_jellybean_]

Aw...I feel bad for your lo But I would definitely not let her knock for her anymore, even if it upsets her. Maybe have a chat with the girl/her mom and tell them that you lo loves to play with her, so if she ever wants to hang out, feel free to knock. Then I'd tell my lo that if she wants to play, she'll knock.

Maybe getting your lo some new outside toys to play with and having playdates with friends closer to her age would help?

 

[Sarah lo]

Thanks again for the replies on this.

I just wanted to give you a little update. Last weekend the 9 year old completely of her own accord knocked on the door asking for my DD to come and play. So my DD went next door to play in her garden. Since then they've called for each other a few times and played in each other's gardens. I feel lots better knowing that the girl next door genuinely wants to play with her and isn't just throwing my dd a bone now and again out of pity! We've also set rules that she can only call round for her friend on weekends, and provided that they haven't got their family visiting so as not to bother them knocking so much. And when she does go to play next door she has to be home again by 5pm.

She's also met one of the little girls from over the street who is 7 and they have all played next door. I still won't let her over the road to play but it's good to know that when she is big enough to play out she will have a slightly older friend to look out for her. It seems to be enough for my DD just to be included when they're around the garden. I think she feels quite grown up actually as she keeps putting on her princess shoes and clip-clopping around to next door to show her friend

 

[tommyg]

Happy days, I'm guessing the 9 yo does enjoy the big sister role.