4th loss in a row - now what?

[danijoanne]

You have every right to be in a funk. I couldn't bear to see anyone pregnant or with babies around me. I so wanted to be pregnant again and after last loss it took over a year and I was petrified that it would fail again but it didn't! I wish you all the luck in the world lovely xx

 

[LacePrincess]

Thanks dani. It's so nice to talk to people who really get it!

I have the unfortunate curse of constantly having pregnant neighbours. It's so hard to deal with. A few months ago a new family moved in next door and they're pregnant and due very soon and it's just SO HARD. I feel bitter and antisocial but I can't stand to be near her.

I don't even mind young kids so much or even babies but I can't stand to see pregnant women. It cuts like a knife.

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Lace-sorry You are feeling that way. I totally get it though! Over the past 2.5 years and 6 mc I have had 6 couple friends have babies and 3 of them are on their 2nd. I want to scream and cry. Lately I've just been thinking maybe I need to stop ttc and call it a day. I see reiki master and last week she asked me who am I if I'm not ttc. I said that's all I've been doing for the past 5 years (had my dd 3 yrs ago and tried for a year for her). I have avoided people and situations because of it, not done things in case I was pg and made some pretty big decisions based on having another child.
I've been working my ass of the past few months with the supplements, diet, Accupuncture and destressing and I feel resentful that I have to continue. So frustrating!
On another note Making Babies was the first ttc book I read when I was ttc my dd. I followed the program and got pg with her. I followed it again and had my first pg after a year of trying this time. It did end in a MMC after seeing a heartbeat but I think something else is happening in my body which is destroying these pregnancies. I seem to have hyper fertility as well or did until the last few months where we have been on a break. We had one month that Dh questioned how I got pg because we had only dtd once Within a 3 wk period. Another time we had dtd 7 days prior to ov and got pg. It was crazy!

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Hi All,

Hope you don't mind me joining in... I've been following some of these threads since having my second m/c in a row this week 😥

Right now I am trying to be positive and look at practical ways I might be able to improve things so thank you for the links. I think I am quite similar to Ready in that i would like to try natural options first so DH and I are booked in for acupuncture next week... I found a therapist who treats couples which I thought was interesting. I'm also trying a B vitamin complex as well as prenatals and copious amounts of raspberry leaf tea until OV! We have also been referred to a consultant for further investigations but that won't happen for several weeks yet. I never did any of this when I conceived with DS so must admit it's frustrating having to work so hard now for something other people seem to get easily! If anyone has got any other advice/tips on TTC I would really like to hear.

We have decided not to wait as it was an early m/c so we will be trying again this cycle... Is anyone else actively trying this month? I'm on CD 4 today but don't expect to OV til about CD 20.

We are back to ttc. I'm currently cd 9 so nearing ov time which is usually around cd 14/15.

 

[Serendipity13]

Thanks for that link Lace, it made for some interesting reading, although somewhat scary as it sounds quite final if that is the case... I can only hope that isn't our problem!!

And I totally get what you mean about other people having babies... A good friend of mine from my ante natal group with DS had her second baby this week and although I'm really happy for her I also feel so sad that I can't give my family the same 😢 At least Dani's story does show that there are happy endings tho so I shall try and hold onto that.

Sounds like a couple of us are TTC this month so it would be nice to swap stories... I tend to OV anywhere from CD 14 to 26 so it may be a while before you hear from me tho! I must admit I am really dreading the idea of all that OV testing again... It feels like such a step backwards! Hopefully the raspberry tea and acupuncture might speed it up a bit x

Ps where are you all based out of interest? I'm in the UK

 

[LacePrincess]

Ready - Thanks for commiserating! I always feel like such a horrible person being so jealous and cold when I already have kids. There's a huge amount of guilt that goes along with secondary IF, yk? It's like we don't have the right to complain since we already were blessed. And I appreciate and am thankful for my kids everyday, but it doesn't take away the pain of not being to conceive again.

Even my therapist asked me if having my boys mitigates the pain from the losses.....and maybe it's me, but no, not really. I love my kids and am so thankful we have them but it doesn't mean I don't hurt and yearn for more. Having kids already doesn't make the inability to have another any less - and I really don't think people who haven't experienced it get that, yk?

I'm really resentful too. And spiteful and jealous as hell. It's really hard when my kids want to go next door to play, and I don't want to let them but I usually force myself to let them, but then I avoid the pregnant mom like crazy. I'm sure she thinks I'm a nasty piece of work but I can't bear the pain right now.

The maddening thing for us is we're totally NOT superfertile. Like, at all. I've only ever conceived if we BD right through O and it still takes us many many cycles. It's our MFI being a big problem in that though. I truly think the Femara has balanced out my cycle and it's as good as it's going to get, but now there's something else going on that we can get the bfp and it just won't stick. Just ENOUGH problems already, yk? I'm so sick of it!

Oh and yeah, who am I when I'm not ttc? I don't know either. Well, I'm mom to my kids, but I don't want to be anything else and all my body and soul and mind want is another baby. Everything else pales by comparison, yk? Maybe it's an increasingly unhealthy obsession, but that's ALL I WANT and I don't want to find something else to replace it.


Serendipity - I'm from Canada. I'm kind of going against my RE here and taking Femara with the m/c bleed lol, I'm sure he wouldn't approve. But I can't do nothing either. So we'll see. I usually O on CD14-15 on Femara. I'm also doing a gazillion vits and castor oil packs and fertility massage and trying to eat like the Making Babies book says. Phew. Giving up dairy and sugar and coffee kind of sucks.

Speaking of this castor oil pack thing....have any of you ladies tried it? What do you think? All the claims are awful hard to believe but I'm willing to try anything that can't hurt at this point. Though I'm awfully skeptical that castor oil can unblock my tube!!

 

[mom2beoftwins]

I’m sorry for your losses.

Have you been tested for endometritis (it’s different than endometriosis, basically it’s a bacterial infection in the uterus)? It is associated with recurrent pregnancy loss and treatable through antibiotics, but not a lot of doctors test for it. You can read more about it by searching for the article: "Chronic endometritis due to common bacteria is prevalent in women with recurrent miscarriage as confirmed by improved pregnancy outcome after antibiotic treatment” (Sorry; I’d post a link, but this site won’t let me since I’m new to forums).

I had three miscarriages before the doctors finally tested me for endometritis. I then went on antibiotics for three weeks. I made a lot of other changes as well, such as adding acupuncture, changing my prenatal to Thorne Basic Prenatal to address my MTHFR mutation, and going on Clomid to increase the size of my eggs and delay my ovulation. My first cycle trying after treatment I became pregnant with twins and am currently in my third trimester of that pregnancy. I detail everything I did on my blog, but since I’m new to this forum the moderator won’t let me post links. If you google “recovering from miscarriage mumbo jumbo” it should bring it up, probably as the second site (it’s called “Overview: Recovering from Miscarriage” and is on WordPress). I know this is a weird thing to search for, but it’s the only way I can figure out how to search for it and I have some really good tips in there for other things to try.

I noticed that there has been some talk of morphology on this thread. My husband’s morphology was a little off and my eggs were considered a little “old”/pre-menopausal (I was 33 at the time), but these things didn’t end up being a problem in the end. I really think the problem was my endometritis and some hormonal things that were fixed through acupuncture and some changes in diet and my prenatal vitamins.

I hope that you and all of the other wonderful women who read this thread will go on to have healthy babies. Best of luck!

 

[LacePrincess]

No I haven't been tested for endo......but thanks for the suggestion. Without symptoms though the RE might not even want to since the only definitive test is a lap, right? I guess that's an option, I don't think he's going to want to do it but maybe I could ask about the antibiotics.

I'm already taking Thorne prenatals, baby aspirin, prog at bfp. But the endo angle is worth exploring though I really wouldn't want to have to do a lap to get the abx! Nothing has ever shown up odd looking on any scans or the saline sonos but I know that only an exploratory lap is definitive. I really REALLY don't want surgery ugh.

 

[mom2beoftwins]

I had no symptoms of endometritis (i.e. no fever, pain, etc.), but it turned out I had it. The test was relatively painful (they had to scrape a little tissue from my uterus to get it tested), but totally worth it. My doctor decided to test me for it only after the products of conception test from my third miscarriage came back as genetically normal. I would definitely recommend this test if you know that any of your babies were genetically normal and would probably get it done even if you aren’t sure.

 

[mom2beoftwins]

By the way, if your doctor is hesitant at all, definitely show him the chronic endometritis (CE) study I mentioned in my first posting. The study concludes, among other things, that "CE is frequent in women with recurrent miscarriages," and that "hysteroscopy should be a part of the diagnostic workup of infertile women complaining of unexplained recurrent miscarriage."

 

[mom2beoftwins]

Also, the test for endometritis was an in-office procedure, not a surgery. It was a little painful (though just for the few seconds when they took the sample), but straight forward. Maybe you are thinking of the test for endometriosis, which is a different condition and may require a surgery?

You mentioned the saline test: I had it done and everything looked normal then. Everything has also looked normal on all of my ultrasounds. Endometritis will not show up on those scans as it is a bacterial infection; I believe the only way to test for it is to get a tissue sample.

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Lace-I totally get all of those emotions in all of those situations. My level of frustration has fluctuated throughout this process where I'm now at the place where I want to call it quits so I can stop thinking about this. I have talked my with my therapist about this and I don't know how I can stop being Aware of my cycles and what every damn day means in my cycle. Unless we prevent pregnancy I will always be wondering if I'm pg come cd 26-28!
I have dinner plans with our friends that just found out they were pg and the day she took the test she sent a pic to me. People don't get my pain and like you think I need to be thankful for what I Have. I have 2 beautiful kids but my 3rd is still to come.

 

[LacePrincess]

mom2be - you're right, I did goof and was thinking of the wrong endo. Oops! I will ask my RE though I'm not holding my breath....he's not a big proponent of unconventional ideas. Can't hurt to check though.

Ready - I'm so sorry. Did your friend know you were ttc? If so that really really stinks.

We get all sorts of guilt inducing advice too. People don't understand that my dream family has 5 kids, and even with 3 we feel incomplete. I get told that I should enjoy the kids I have (I do!), find a job, find a hobby, go volunteer, etc etc. Everyone is well meaning but everything pales in comparison to what my heart really desires - another baby. I think it's always devastating when your body fails you in such a basic biological function, yk?

I struggle with feeling like I'm being greedy for wanting more too, like why can't three be enough, but I just can't let it go. I wish I could but I know now I'm in it until I hit menopause and even then there are donor eggs/embryos to consider!

 

[dan-o]

Lace I'm very sorry to learn of your losses. I wish I could offer you some comforting words. It's so, so hard.

I just wanted to mention, I lost 4 in a row (9 all together) before my 3rd rainbow came along.
I stopped my progesterone myself when I knew things weren't right with 2 of those (abnormal betas/scans with one and heartbeat randomly stopped at 10 weeks with another) Not a lot happened to be honest!

Don't feel greedy. If you can't let it go, then do not quit! Some people just want more children than others. There's no magic number and other people's (negative) opinions are meaningless, as no two families have the same circumstances!

I also have feelings of my family not quite being complete yet x

Sending hugs

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Lace-I struggle with feeling like I want more too. So many don't understand because they have never gone through it. I know a few friends that have had a miscarriage but then go on to have a baby with no complications. Having RPL it really decreases my hope that I will ever have another. At this point I'll be at least 39 having another.
It doesn't bother me until I say 39. I feel no different than when I had either of my kids.
As for my friend she is well aware of the losses and our struggles but is so self consumed she really doesn't consider the pain I'm in.

 

[LacePrincess]

dan-o -- thank you so much. It's really great to get support here. I'm very sorry about your losses too. {{{{{hugs}}}}} I know I'm not going to quit, I'm really stubborn that way, lol, and I'm just really thankful that DH is on board. I've read lots of stories of marriages in trouble when the husband just wants to get off this ride and I can't really blame them. So I'm really thankful my DH is just as willing to go through all the downs to hopefully get to our dream. It's just hard when we lose yet another and it feels like each time fewer people want to listen to me talk about it anymore, like they're all burnt out by my sob story. Sigh.


Ready - omg that is terrible. I'm so so sorry that your friend is so lacking in empathy. I hope you've given yourself permission to distance yourself from her, you don't need extra pain from such heartless behaviour!

I don't feel 'old' either....I'm 36 and honestly feel younger and healthier than in my twenties. I exercise regularly and eat really healthy which I didn't do at all when I was younger. I feel young and great and everyone thinks I'm a lot younger than I am. Which is great except I can't exactly de-age my ovaries! I also find it disheartening that if we ever manage to get a sticky bean we're most likely going to end up with a high stress high risk pregnancy which will need tonnes of monitoring and medical crap and that sucks. But even that seems really unattainable right now.

 

[OmarsMum]

https://guardianlv.com/2013/07/aspirin-in-early-pregnancy-triggers-miscarriage/

I came across this article, I was prescribed aspirin last year when I was pregnant, the sac was there on the ultrasound at 5w4d and every thing looked normal, I was given aspirin on that day, 2 days later I started spotting, when I went for a scan the sac was partially separated, I was advised to stop the aspirin, after few days the spotting stopped and the sac re-attached but unfortunately the sac is what continued to grow,

Anyways, I'm on the pill now to regulate my period before we try to conceive again, it was going well, until a friend who suffered from recurrent mc advised me to take baby aspirin few months before ttc as it worked for her, I started to spot 2 days back on CD18 2 days after going on baby aspirin, and the spotting increased today although I'm still on the pill.

I did all blood clotting tests as I mentioned before, and all came back normal.

I'm not sure if it's a coincidence or the aspirin that caused my 3rd mc, I have low progesterone but I was on Duphastone during that pregnancy. I honestly didn't think much about the aspirin I took during my last pregnancy until the spotting increased today.

As you mentioned that you take baby aspirin as soon as you get a BFP, I thought my experience with aspirin might help.

 

[LacePrincess]

OmarsMum - WHOA. Wow. I'm shocked, and not in a good way. I have goosebumps all over and panic attack now thinking that the aspirin I was taking to help the situation might have caused it?!?

Oh no. I hope not or my guilt will never end.......

Well I just ovulated yesterday, and I've been taking aspirin as I usually do starting after my bleeding stopped.....I guess with this new info I'd better quit the aspiring. I hope it's okay to cold turkey off of it.

Wow I'm really upset I might have caused the losses now.....but thanks for the article I'm glad to know.

 

[OmarsMum]

Aw Hun, please don't feel guilty , it could be something else that caused the mcs, but as you did all the blood tests for clotting and they were clear, I think it's best to stay away from Aspirin unless your dr advise you to take it.

I'm glad to know about it, as my dr mentioned putting me on Aspirin when I get pregnant, I changed 4 specialists so far, and each has a theory of his own. Now I feel that I should stay away from Aspirin & the progesterone (Duphastone) supplements. The Duphastone sticks the unhealthy pregnancies and it makes it difficult for my body to recognize the mc, and it seems that the aspirin promotes the shedding of my uterus lining and initiate bleeding in my case.

 

[LacePrincess]

Well I'm thinking the aspirin didn't cause my losses as I don't spot/bleed with the losses until after my hcg falls a tonne, and the loss in Dec was a mmc where my body didn't recognize it at all. So it couldn't have been the aspirin.

Still I guess it's not a bad idea to try a few cycles with no aspirin.

I'm on prog too at BFP but I seem to bleed when my hcg gets low enough, so the prog doesn't make a failing pregnancy stick at least.