5 year olds behaviour is making me Ill.

[Sarahcake]

Hey all,

This may turn into a long post so I apologise.

The long and short of it, my 5 year old son is a bully. I hate having to write that, I hate what that is and it's stressing me to no end.

Today I have picked my son up from school and have been told that as soon as he walked into school, he grabbed a little girl by the throat hard enough to leave claw marks on her. This was approximately 1 minute after he walked happily into school and told a teacher he was going to have a good day today.

It's this little girl that he keeps going for, he's punched her in the face on 3 seperate occasions and each time, it's unprovoked so I'm told. She is a meek little think bless her who wouldn't say boo to a ghost and I feel so so terrible that this is happening.

I contacted his health visitor that has done the ages and stages review twice now and there's no markers on there so he's been discharge from there recently, his school have him on a behaviour monitor but this still keeps happening.

I'm going to make an appointment with the school tommorrow to talk about this but I'm just beside myself right now. I don't know what else I can do. I'm 32 weeks pregnant, the stress is making me ill, I have ulcerative colitis which is going mad at me currently but most of all I just feel terrible for this poor little girl.

I'm under no illusions that my son, is a bully and I hate it. He's such a sweet, loving thing normally but he just does these horrid things that he offers no explanation for just "I don't know"

I'm so lost and I don't know what else to do. He's been shouted at, had his belongings taken away, educated, isolated etc. He just got put to bed after what has transpired today as I'm out of options, and he's deliberately booted me in my bump. 😭😭

Is there any suggestions you ladies and gents can make? It's getting me down and I want this sorting out now before the new baby comes.

At the very least, thank you for reading this great big tome of a read.

 

[hellohefalump]

No experience, but I wonder if he's acting out because you're having a baby soon?

It sounds a bit like he's feeling insecure, and maybe hurting the little girl is his way of gaining back some control? I think you should be consistent with punishment. You say you've tried all sorts of things, but maybe stick to one thing so as not to confuse him?

Kids grow mentally at different rates and he sounds quite 'young' for his age, maybe you could try to get him to verbalise his feelings? Like, prompt him - 'are you worried you won't be loved enough when the baby comes?' Etc

 

[SarahBear]

I think to get to the bottom of it, you need some idea of why he's doing it so that you can address the underlying root of things. I'd also work with the school to come up with a discipline strategy that creates continuity across settings and doesn't result in double punishment as might happen if he is disciplined both at school and at home without communication between home and school.

 

[Missbb2591]

Definitely speak to your sons school. I’ve been having issues with my 6 year old and school have been amazing at supporting me and her and allowing us to find out the root cause and begin to deal with that to help with everything else.

I sympathise completely with your situation, mine is similar but not completely the same and the stress is unbearable but speaking to school has given me an outlet and also given me an outsiders view. Hope you manage to get it sorted really soon.

 

[auger98]

Not fun, for sure. My son (who is age 8 now) went through a similar things around that age, and we determined that it was from what he was watching on TV when his older siblings were watching him...does your son watch action shows that can sometimes be violent? I hope that this phase ends soon for your sake, as well as his-and the new baby!

 

[daneuse27]

Does your son spend much time on technology? Videogames, TV, youtube, etc? I agree with others that maybe he is seeing some violent or inappropriate content, and at his age it is hard for them to distinguish between real vs. not real. I would limit his exposure to technology if you haven't already, and give him some things to do to foster his creativity - art work, clay, lego, etc.

I would also take him to his family doctor and just make sure you cover all grounds. Ensure he's getting the nutrition and sleep he needs, and ask your doctor what else she/he recommends. There must be supports in place, in the community or professionals you could see to help with the root causes of his behaviour.

I feel bad for the little girl not being able to feel safe at school, but also for you. I hope he improves.

 

[Natasha2605]

Is the behaviour only ever towards this one child and if so are the school taking steps to reduce the contact between the two to hopefully prevent any incidents?

I’m sorry he is behaving like this, much be so upsetting.

 

[Sarahcake]

Ladies im so sorry I never got back to you on this thread honestly I forgot I had posted it in the height of upset and I've had so much on that I've just totally forgotten about it.

Thank you all for your input it's greatly appreciated.

We actually thought that it may have been the TV that was doing it, whilst he doesn't actually have it very often, he had a pretty free reign over Netflix kids when he did. I looked back over a lot of the stuff he was watching and it was things like power rangers, transformers etc so nothing massively adult in theme but still stuff with a violent nature so we put the brakes on that and he doesn't have it half as much - even though he didn't have it much to begin with, but now if he does have it we know what it is he's watching.

The violence actually has resolved itself, I've had no reports of violence toward anybody let alone this little girl so that's progress.

I feel like I'm playing wack-a-mole now though... One problem gets quashed and then another raises itself, his inability to listen is a real issue.

We had to pull him from his swimming lessons yesterday as he just can't focus and listen to the point where he is misbehaving and he's causing dangerous situations. No matter how much we talk him through things, he still just ignores it all and when asked why? We get shrugged shoulders and "I dunno" it's driving us insane. It's also a problem in school too as I've been approached by his teachers about it.

It's his parents evening Wednesday so that's going to be a good opportunity to sit down and actually talk about this with his teachers. I feel like all I do is shout and tell him off and take things away etc. I don't want to be that mum, I love him more than anything in the world, he's everything to me but good god he is stressing me out.

I actually think his sister coming is a good thing for him as he is very prideful that he is going to be the older brother and he keeps saying he wants to teach her how to be good etc so I'm hoping that when she is here he will take that more seriously and do just that.

Sorry if that was all a bit ranty! Thank you all again for your input I really do appreciate it.

 

[whatwillbex]

Sorry I hadn’t red the post properly and red the last post. Baby brain at its best! hope it gets better soon for you x

 

[daneuse27]

I definitely think that the OP needs our support and positivity, and I'm glad you're doing that... but I don't think its right to tell her that her son's behaviour is "typical" or normal. Some of it is, but some of it is reason to be concerned. There's a good chance he may improve, but he might need some help/intervention to get there. If she's being approached by teachers, that is a reason to at least look into things.

Sarahcake- he is still young and I'm sure there is plenty of time and opportunity for him to improve. I would talk to his teachers to see if they have any suggestions for school or home. I would talk to his doctor to see if maybe there is help available in the community in case the behaviour doesn't improve and you want to find a route cause. Whatever it is affecting his behaviour, I hope it gets better. When his sister gets here, you can talk to him about being a good role model to her.

 

[Sarahcake]

Thank you both for your input again. It's so hard to know what is normal and what isn't. Made harder by the fact that when he was 1 month old, his dad caused a bleed on the brain that nearly killed him by shaking him. He is healthy and recovered perfectly, physically, from this but I was told that bad behaviour as a long term side effect could manifest itself between the ages of 4-5.

I wanted to guage really weather this behaviour was normal before I put that information in there as I didn't want it to complicate opinions. I apologise for holding that back but I'm so lost in what is normal and what isn't.

We have his parents evening tonight where we will be asking for meetings with them and the school nurses. I've been doctors with him before and all they would do is contact the health visitor for an ages and stages review. But as he's now 5, he's no longer under health visitor jurisdiction and is the school nurse instead.

 

[Sarahcake]

I shall update with what the school say later on thanks again.

 

[Flossie27]

Made harder by the fact that when he was 1 month old, his dad caused a bleed on the brain that nearly killed him by shaking him.

OMG your poor son! I'm so sorry.

 

[Sarahcake]

He's been through a lot bless his heart, I think that's why I am so protective over him and want answers and want to help any way that I can.

Had his parents evening today and academically he is doing amazingly. He's a very bright little boy and I couldn't be more proud of him. Behaviour wise, there is cause for concern in some areas so the school are going to facilitate a meeting with their senco officer and his teachers as soon as possible. It was actually a very positive meeting and I'm happy with how he is progressing outside of his behaviour. I'm excited to get to work with this senco officer to make some steps toward sorting this out.

 

[daneuse27]

So glad to hear that he is making academic progress! congrats.

I would say that tantrums, and occasional defiance, are normal for his age; but if his behaviour is going beyond that (it sounds like it is) then you're 100% doing the right thing. X

 

[Bevziibubble]

How scary that your L's dad shook him as a baby! I'm so sorry

It sounds like he is a very bright boy and doing well academically at school. Hopefully the behaviour issues will resolve in time.

 

[Bonnie11]

Oh I'm glad you have got the senco involved. I was going to suggest that. Possibly ADHD or similar will be looked into? If it is then you will get a ton of support. It's great that you are reaching out for help, sounds like you have a had a rough time of it. Especially hard with his dad not being around. Good luck xx

 

[babycrazy1706]

Hi. Did you meet with the senco ?
I'm having trouble with my son again. Curios as to what was discussed. My sons teacher said he doesn't listen and finds it hard to keep his hands to himself xx