50+ cycles with no BFP... time to give up?

[PiggieFarmer]

Hello all,

We just finished cycle #50 of TTC, and no BFP in all that time. This includes more tests and medications than I can count, along with two major surgeries and a few minor procedures. This is timed intercourse only, and does not include any ART (IUI, IVF, etc.) which we can't afford.

Nobody we talk to suggests giving up: friends, family, doctors, etc. However, common sense indicates that this many cycles (with treatment) without even a BFP means that something fundamental is broken that will simply never be fixed. On top of that, I am 39, which makes my chances of a BFP even lower. Technically we can keep trying, but it still costs money, energy, and time to keep going.

So is giving up the most sensible thing to do right now? Should I be looking at this differently somehow? I would love to hear from any of you that have reached this point now or in the past.

Thank you!

 

[Dylis]

Hi this is my dilemma too...If you give up there is the what if also how do you really give up? After so long you get to know all symptoms of O and where you are in your cycle.

Sorry that was no help at all.

 

[Katie Potatie]

Hi Piggy Farmer, I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles.
Have your tests indicated that there is nothing broken that they've tested for? Or you're being treated for anything that may have come up as an issue?

I know that I'm not in your shoes, but I hadn't gotten a BFP in the last four years since my daughter was born and I understand, at least, that part of your discouragement. Like, what is wrong? What is broken here that I haven't even gotten a whiff of a BFP in all of these years? And then, by some unknown miracle, I got a BFP, which unfortunately ended in an early loss.

But what I want to say as a word of encouragement, is you NEVER know when that BFP is going to be around the corner. And like Dylis said, even if you feel like you should, you can never really give up. You always know in the back of your mind when you are going to be fertile, and there's always a little bit of hope that resides, that this could be the month. We all get into our down times, but somehow you find a way to pick yourself back up and keep trying. I hope this is the case for you. Seriously, you never know when that unexpected BFP is going to turn up. I'm 36 and it took 51 months to get a BFP.

You hang in there girl!

 

[xMissxZoiex]

We have been TTC for over 6 years and been at this point many times, even bought a dog to try fill the hole. But no matter how I tried nothing could stop the pain!.

The only thing that worked to fill the pain was when I finally got pregnant we had IVF and it worked first time!. Unfortunately my baby boy didn't make it because he was born too soon, now I'm back at square one.

You can never give up, once you have wanted a baby and have tried for so long nothing could stop those feelings believe me I've tried just about everything. I'd recommend giving IVF ago.

All the best, remember your not alone.

 

[Ariannda]

While i dont know your particulars I too suggest not giving up. I suppose it depends on how much more you're willing to spend. We have decided not to do IVF but we discovered we can afford a few cycles of IUI, then we will skip some and see what happens.

 

[PiggieFarmer]

Thanks for all the replies! I asked something similar in the 1974 thread and also got a few replies there, if you are interested:

https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/trying-conceive-over-35/1001259-born-1974-a-72.html#post31867099

On the medical side, I should add that I am also on Femara (already tried Clomid), not "just" timed intercourse. I suspect the endometriosis is responsible for this, which can easily prevent conception even after treatment.

To explain my thinking a bit more: this is a really lousy investment of money, energy, and time. Earlier on, when there was a reasonable chance or the situation was not understood, it made more sense. After 50 cycles of nothing, and with ART out of the question, it seems really dumb to keep going. The money, energy, and time would be better spent doing almost anything else... right? Why run out the clock until menopause?

We are also thinking about embryo adoption, which does mean giving up on TTC for part of that... can't do both. The longer we try TTC, the more that gets put off. The same is sort of true for regular adoption: only so many hours in the day.

 

[popchick75]

I'm almost hesitant to give an opinion or advice on this....

I am in a similar boat....39 this year, 120+ cycles with no BFP, secondary unexplained infertility. After the last IUI with intralipids attempt, i said 'that's it...calling it quits, i've done everything i could and now i officially have closure and am done.'

And then when i was done being mad, my heart went back to wanting a baby again. Saying 'i have closure' and meaning 'i have closure' are two very different things.

I guess my only advice would be make sure you have ALL of your testing done if you decide on embryo adoption. I went through IVF without having the more rare genetic tests done and it turned out i had high nk cell levels (causes implantation failure....responsible for *many* cases of unexplained infertility). Many people assume that test is included with the basic genetic testing done with your specialist, but it isn't. It's a specialized test that is only processed in about 3 labs in the US. So unless you have had a timed blood test that had to be shipped overnight, you haven't had it. If you have high levels, the embryo adoption very well might not be successful. I wish i had known this before i went through IVF because that is probably why it failed.

 

[PiggieFarmer]

I guess my only advice would be make sure you have ALL of your testing done if you decide on embryo adoption. I went through IVF without having the more rare genetic tests done and it turned out i had high nk cell levels (causes implantation failure....responsible for *many* cases of unexplained infertility).

Interesting... I have not had that one done, but I also haven't tried IVF. Good to know, thanks!

 

[Roobe18]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. I can empathize. I've been married for nearly 11 years and was only on birth control for about 6 months. I haven't been actively trying to conceive all those years, but the hope was always there. Been actively trying off and on for about 5 yrs now.

I wish I had a good answer for you, heaven knows it's a very difficult issue. My therapist (yes, I'm a bit bonkers) says that the best thing to do is make a plan and stick to it. He says I need to sit down with my hubs and say "we're going to try to conceive naturally for xx more months. after that our next option will be XXX (either give up the idea children, start IVF, start adoption, look into foster care, etc). I think it does help to have guidelines set up for yourself. I put this into practice for myself by agreeing with my hubby that we were going to do 5 cycles of IUI, then 3 cylces of IVF. If after those things fail, we'll look into what options are next. It's nice cause it kind of takes out the guessing game of how much longer to go on.

One last thing I would say is that I hope you've looked into all of your options with IVF before immediately dismissing it as unobtainable. I did this a few years ago. I just told myself we couldn't afford it and didn't think much of it. My husband is self employed and we have a lot of debt related to that endeavor, so I just figured no one would give us a loan. Well, I've come to find out in the past few months that I was very wrong and that I likely could have gotten an IVF loan if I'd looked into it more. I obviously don't know your circumstances, but I'm just saying, make sure you don't discount the possibility too soon. Personally, I tend to assume the worst when it comes to this stuff (I'll never get preggo, I'll never be able to afford IVF, No one would let me adopt, etc) and I wonder if maybe I'm doing myself a big disservice by being so negative.

Good luck, I hope you can find some answers to give yourself some peace.

 

[PiggieFarmer]

My therapist (yes, I'm a bit bonkers) says that the best thing to do is make a plan and stick to it.

Not to worry, I also have a therapist, though not specifically for infertility issues.

One last thing I would say is that I hope you've looked into all of your options with IVF before immediately dismissing it as unobtainable.

The truth is that we are morally opposed to IVF (and IUI to a lesser extent), so it really is not an option. I find it easier to say that we can't afford it (which is also basically true) because it's hard to get sympathy for moral objections.

We are thinking about a schedule for this right now. I am not sure how it will end up, but I suspect we will give up TTC before the end of the year. Again, it's tough to reach that point when nobody is saying to give up.

 

[Roobe18]

We are thinking about a schedule for this right now. I am not sure how it will end up, but I suspect we will give up TTC before the end of the year. Again, it's tough to reach that point when nobody is saying to give up.

I think the most important part of this journey is just learning to listen to yourself. It's amazing that so many people can have such intense opinions about something so deeply personal.