7 year old step daughter, am I an evil step-mother.

[Shinning_Star]

OK, so I have inherited a 7 year old step daughter she's with us most of the time, and my son and her are continually bickering!

My son hits her, and she teases him. My son is four and a half. I'm not condoning his hitting in any way, but if she didn't tease him and irritate him so much he woudn't hit her. She knows how to tease, he asn't learnt that skill yet, however he's slowlypicking up skills from her!

Anyway tonight my df has gone to bed early not feeling very well, the two have been bickering all night and winding each other up, (so much fo a lovely family eve putting up crimbo tree.) Finally, my little boy hit her, I rollocked him as I am always doing, I've never told of sd, as I find it hard to. concerned I'm being bias.
Anyway so i took son out of the room, he went back in again I was washing up! So he went to hit her and she kicked him he's gone flying into the bed. I told her off, I told ds it was his own fault and then told them both I was sick and tired of them getting at each other all the time.
I told sd to stop making a fuss, he only has to tap her shoulder and he gets rollocked cos she whines, and you know doesn't really hurt cos she's laughing in the next instance. (When he does hurt her and he has once when we were on hols and he really thumped her in the stomach, whihc i told him off for, the whole day she was whining abt how son had hurt her, and how she was now feeling sick, and how she's completly innocent. Which I know she's not. )
Anyway so I told sd off saying you shld stop jumping at every chance to get him into trouble whining when he's barely touched you, then proceded to tell my son off for not leaving her alone. then said they were both to stay out of each others way, not being in the same room as one another.

I went into the kitchen to do finish the washing up and I hear son whining. I went in to see what was going on and there she was sitting bold as brass on the sofa. (she'd previously been in bedroom playing the computer, when I told her off.) I cldn't believe it, the outright defience. I told her, off again, asking why she had gone into there when she'd been happily in her bedroom. she mumbled something abt watching dvd, (which was dora, which she usually hates.) Then mumbled sorry and went to her room where she still is now hiding in her wardrobe.

It was the first time I've ever shouted at her in the six months we've lived with them, so I would of thought the first time would of been enough to put her off, and do as she was told. BUt she went and sat in the front room with son when I'd told her not too, I really didn't think she was that defient I don't know what she was thinking? Did she think I was joking? Did she honestly think she'd do it anyway? I don't understand.

Girls are a whole new ball game for me, I'll be first to admit and I'm finding it really hard to cope and find a role for myself re her.

Anyway she's hidden away, and I don't think I was out of order, but I'm second guessing myself, cos my son had his tears and is now over it. But then he's used to the way I deal with naughtiness. There was no shouting, raised voices yes, but no shouting and defo no smacking .

Anyway I don't know I just need to know this is normal, I honestly amd gobsmacked after telling her off she deliberately continued????

Advice, reassurance anything wld be gratfully recieved. AT mo I think I'm in shock and telling her off and her reaction?

 

[1st_baby]

You are not an evil step mother , YOU are the adult in the house and you and the house rules need to be respected no matter what , she needs to learn that when you say something it needs to be done and that your not joking ..

Trust me kids will test you to your limits lol I know i did it to my step mother for 5 years until she went mad ..but i feel bad now ..

Your son will always feel like you will beilive anything he says as your his real mother , kids do think this way trust me I got away with lots of things ..but its not fair to your step daughter also so what ever punishment needs to be done needs to be done equally ..have you tried the naughty chair or corner ? it really dose work ..oh how i hate chairs now lol but it worked on me ..

 

[Shinning_Star]

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. I never had step parents, one of lucky ones i guess! or not whihcever way you look at it.

If anything I come down harder on my son, cos I feel I can tell im off, I often let her get away with alot of stuff, just cos don't think my place to tell her off, but tonight had no choice.

She was fine though, i put son to bed and then we watched pirates of carribean togetehr, so think she ws fine, maybe just intially shocked.

I often feel my son gets raw end of deal, cos he gets told of by df as well, which is what we agreed, and he always saying tell sd off, but i've never felt able to.

 

[Serene123]

Jesus christ, you're a saint woman!

 

[princess_bump]

honey i think you are doing a great job. of course its going to be hard but i agree you have to tell her off, its going to be a learning curve for both of you, but you care and i no you're get through it. x

 

[TashaAndBump]

Hun, you're definitely not an evil step mother. Children need their boundaries. In fact they crave them... They love to know where they stand. You're only just getting started and you are both learning the boundaries because before now you have stepped back re: disciplining your sd. She was probably testing your boundaries by coming back downstairs when you had told her to stay clear... you did the right thing to send her back, now she knows you mean what you say. It doesn't matter that your son was all better - you had told her to stay away and she should have respected that, she tested the boundaries and you made them clear - well done! You did the right thing!

It's a good sign that she hasn't tried again - she probably gets the idea. Carry on like this and she will get the idea soon enough. I doubt the defiance will continue if you stick to your word.

Hope you feel more comfortable in your roles soon... Good luck

 

[dizzy65]

i dont think u are an evil step-mom

 

[elm]

you are a saint!!! I agree with TashaAndBump about the boundaries thing. Hope this is the start of a better relationship between you. Maybe she'll feel more part of your family if you're treating her the same as your son (i.e. telling her off more)?

xxx

 

[Shinning_Star]

THanks very much girls, I had such a pants day yesterday and this tipped me over the edge. I always worry I'm being bias, but in a way i prob over compensat and am doubly harsh on son.

But she's fine today, not probs at all. So we shall see how all goes. Thanks again really appreciate it!
xxxx

 

[princess_bump]

so glad todays been better honey, sounds like you're doing great x

 

[Uvlollypop]

hey im an evil step mum of a 6year old girl, they are little cows! very mean little creatures although they are super fun. it took us a looooong time ive been kicked bitten all sorts but its your house your rules shell respect you more in the long run for putting your foot down. dont be scared to tell her off if shes in the wrong shes in the wrong at the end of the day. ive told amy that we dont have to be friends but its alot nicer if we are