A difficult situation...

[Bun87]

On the 20th Dec, my best friend told me she was expecting baby #2. We both knew the other was trying for #2 so it wasn't a massive surprise. On the 26th Dec she told me she'd started bleeding on Christmas Eve and had definitely lost the baby. I was obviously gutted for her and told her I was there if she needed me. On the 28th Dec, I found out I was expecting #2. We deliberated over whether to tell her or not but decided that she'd work it out anyway as we were spending new years Eve with her and if I wasn't drinking she'd know straight away. Especially given that she knew we'd been trying. Since then, things have obviously been awkward. We've spoken about things but I think she finds it hard to open up to me about it, which isn't surprising given the circumstances. I've tried to keep in touch via text (we live 100 miles apart) and offer my support that way. I haven't heard from her for over a week and today was my 12 week scan. Am I being unreasonable to have expected a message wishing us luck? She knew my scan was today. I just feel a little upset about it but I'm not sure if I'm being insensitive! I try to think about being in her situation and I think that even if I was in her shoes, I'd have contacted my best friend to wish her luck and find out how things went. Sorry for such a long message, just feeling a little confused and obviously I'd usually talk to her about this! On a separate note, baby #2 is cooking well and looking good x

 

[Dill]

Glad to hear that #2 is doing well! Some people have a difficult time coping with loss, and it can be harder to be happy for a friend who is having a successful pregnancy when you've just lost yours. Cutting herself off from that source of stress, at least temporarily, may be helping her work through her grief. Try not to hold it against her. I am sure she is happy for you, but she likely needs to do what is best for her right now. Once she's gotten through the emotional rollercoaster she's riding right now, I'm sure she'll go back to being the good friend you know.

 

[Nisenitnyy]

I have been through a similar situation. I think some people need extra time and grace while dealing with this stuff. I hope she comes around. It might always be a tricky subject. For my specific situation, it was years before it seemed like we made a lot of progress.

 

[spunky84]

I don't think you're being insensitive, but her loss is still relatively recent and she may be really struggling with it. I don't think it's personal, but she's probably doing as much as she can, and if sh had it in her, she would have wished you luck.

I had 2 m/c before DD and they still affect me to this day. I struggle with pregnancies still. Not as much as I did, but I always tried my hardest to say and do what I could, but I had to back off with certain things to protect myself. I would always get out of baby showers because I couldn't handle it.

She'll probably need more time to heal. She may be doing this to protect herself. Especially if you're due around the time she would, she's probably thinking about all the milestones that she should have had but isn't having.

I don't think you're wrong or anything, but I just think she really needs some time. I know it hurts, but it's absolutely not personal. Not at all. Try not to be too harsh on her, especially up to the time leading to birth and sometime afterwards.

Sometimes it's just too hard. She may come around, and it may take awhile. Just let her know that you're there for her, even if she doesn't respond.

These are always delicate situations, and there really isn't a way to handle them other than to let the other person grieve and just offer support even if they don't reach out. Be happy and enjoy your pregnancy.

Thinking of you and glad everything is going well with #2

 

[Penguin20]

Congrats on number2

I think your friend might just be finding it difficult and some people take longer than others to grieve and I understand that you wanted a text but maybe she just finding it difficult and just staying away while she deals with her grief and then when she feeling better she can be there for you in the right way

 

[Christi85]

Ditto to what everyone else has said.
You're definitely not being insensitive. But if your friend lost her baby on Christmas Eve and you spent New Year's Eve with them, at which point you also told them about your own pregnancy, that's just a week apart. That's way too soon for her and her feelings were probably too raw still to be happy for you. Don't take it personally. I'm not saying you shouldn't have told her, because if you hadn't, it could have made things worse. Plus she would have guessed by your not drinking, like you said. It's one of those situations where all options suck. It just happened that she lost her baby at the exact same time at which you found out you were having yours, and now your pregnancy is progressing normally, which probably hurts her. Not because she hates you, but because of self-pity, most likely.
For now, you may want to try and share your pregnancy news/updates with other friends, as she may still need time to grieve for her own loss. Like, no need to let her know what dates you're having your scans etc. That sort of thing. Let her process things in her mind and hopefully she'll come back and be happy for you eventually.
Congrats for expecting #2!

 

[oneill614]

I agree with everyone else. It sucks for you because you deserve to have your best friend there for support, but she just can't do that right now. I would imagine it's kind of like if you lost your mother or father and then your best friend was going off on a vacation with her parents. It would just make you sad, even though you want to be happy for the other person

I am sure she is very happy for you inside, and wishes she could be there for you.

 

[Bun87]

I've tried to do everything I can to be there for her but it's just hard. She called me yesterday briefly and didnt mention one word about the fact that id had a scan. I guess I just thought that we were best friends and we'd help each other through whatever situation we were in. Oh well x

 

[cherrished]

I've been in similar situation with a close family member I was pregnant then she discovered she was pregnant then I lost mine New Years eve 2011 which did break me, I was hurt and emotional and not long after my cousin her had 12 week scan I did wish her luck as I was happy for her but I still was in a bad place myself with grief, I did start to distance myself from the group as it was nice knowing that baby was doing great and it was all exciting I just couldn't help that there was a couple of weeks between us, so when I see her with a bump and buying baby bits it did still hurt if I'm honest as the way I thought at the time is I should be doing that too, I should be going for a sex scan around same time, I should be having my baby around same time too all the feelings were just too much I couldn't cope, I did check in with her every now and then and she had a beautiful baby girl who is so adorable, and I was over the moon for her just my feelings and emotions were confusing in the early stages especially when the big dates came up like 12 week scan 20 week scan etc as we should of been doing them together and being excited together that's what I struggled with but in the end I got there, some people just need more time hun especially if that's her first (not saying that a 2nd loss ain't just as bad) I'm simply saying all these emotions are new to her she is probs more confused, I bet she is really happy for you hun, I just reckon she is still hurting, she will get there eventually the pain will be less she won't forget but she will find it easier to cope, I wouldn't take it too much to heart hun, I'm glad everything went okay at the scan congratulations xxx

 

[GetNmyBelly]

almost the same thing happened 2 me. me & my good friend used 2 talk every day & hang out often. shes 27 im 23 we're both married & she had been trying for her first baby for about 4-5 months when I became pregnant with my first. she didn't know so at first we went on talking like normal & then when I told her we talked a little more that day. I was about 5 weeks then. ever since that day she found out I was pregnant she wants absolutely nothing 2 do with me. she ignores my text messages, calls, & facebook messages. it really hurts because if it were her who was pregnant & I was trying I would most definitely be there 4 her. I think I would be a little upset that I wasn't pregnant but I would never turn my back on our long time friendship. im about 2 be 10 weeks now so its been a while since we've talked & im coming 2 terms with it. I have a few other good friends & a lot of family who r happy 4 me so that of course makes me feel better. good luck 2 u & ur friend.

 

[bunnyhop]

I've tried to do everything I can to be there for her but it's just hard. She called me yesterday briefly and didnt mention one word about the fact that id had a scan. I guess I just thought that we were best friends and we'd help each other through whatever situation we were in. Oh well x

I think the fact that you said she hadn't been in touch for a week and did call on the day of your scan means she does care, its just still very raw and difficult for her, she probably just couldn't bring herself to ask.

Its such a hard thing when you loose a baby, just give her time, im sure she loves you just as much but dealing with her own sadness too.

 

[spunky84]

I've tried to do everything I can to be there for her but it's just hard. She called me yesterday briefly and didnt mention one word about the fact that id had a scan. I guess I just thought that we were best friends and we'd help each other through whatever situation we were in. Oh well x

I'm not trying to offend or be mean or anything, but when you said that, doesn't that mean you should also try to be understanding of how she's feeling and what's she's gone through? You need to be there for HER, even if that's just giving her time to heal and not judging her for it.

Like I said, I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but it's a 2 way street. I completely understand why you're hurt by it, and yes, it's HARD. Absolutely. The situation just sucks. You have every right to be excited and happy about your pregnancy. People should be happy for you. Your friend most likely is happy for you, but she also has to take care of herself. Miscarriages can be a very lonely. The only people to really know how much pain you're in are those that have gone through it themselves (anytime I read about a loss on here, I feel absolutely gutted - it brings back the pain I felt with mine).

The fact that she called, to me, means that she cares, even if she didn't mention your scan. She's probably not ready to talk about it. Imagine if you were in her place and had to watch your best friend go through all the things you were supposed to be doing - yes, you're happy for them, but each new thing rips a new hole in your heart and you start hurting again.

It's truly hard to understand unless you've been in that position. I'm sure if I hadn't had mine, I would probably feel the same! But I have been in that position. I know that feeling of having my heart ripped open again and again. After my losses, I felt pregnancy was shoved in my face every time I turned around. I was a mess and could barely function at one point. I had to take a month of leave from work because I couldn't function. I lived on Xanax just to get through the day. Xanax put me into such a fog that it was the only way to keep going.

I cannot truly describe what it feels like to be in that position. You WANT to be there for the people you care about, but it's so bloody hard to do so without feeling like your world is shattering all over again. She's doing what she has to do to get out of bed each morning. She's doing what she has to do to keep moving forward so she can heal from this (and I'm not sure you ever fully heal).

This is a very delicate situation. You deserve to be happy and excited and to have people happy and excited for you, but she also deserves to be able to grieve and handle this in the way that she needs to without judgement.

I'm not trying to be harsh or bash you, but I've been where she's at and know how hard it is. It was one of the hardest things I've gone through. She's not doing this to hurt you or because she doesn't care, I promise. She probably cares a whole more than you think, but she also needs some TLC, too.

It may be awhile before she comes around, but give her the chance she needs. Her miscarriage wasn't that long ago.

 

[Bun87]

I've tried to do everything I can to be there for her but it's just hard. She called me yesterday briefly and didnt mention one word about the fact that id had a scan. I guess I just thought that we were best friends and we'd help each other through whatever situation we were in. Oh well x

I think the fact that you said she hadn't been in touch for a week and did call on the day of your scan means she does care, its just still very raw and difficult for her, she probably just couldn't bring herself to ask.

Its such a hard thing when you loose a baby, just give her time, im sure she loves you just as much but dealing with her own sadness too.

She didn't call me to have a chat - I called her by accident and she called back to see what I wanted. Asked her how she was and she said fine but didn't see how I was. Mil is calling me tonight as she had an early mc so hopefully speaking to her will help me understand a bit more. If I'm being honest, I feel like my friend is just being resentful and there isn't anything I can do to change this situation...

 

[kaths101]

Haven't had a chance to read your other replies but I have been in a similar situation. My friend and I pregnant at the same time. I lost mine and it was awful as you had a constant reminder of where you should have been at! Like she would have known your scan was coming up but then so should hers have been...this will carry on, of course the pain lessons but my friends little girl is now 4 and even though I now have 2 of my own I still look at her little girl on birthdays etc and think of mine.
You're not being insensitive but a loss of a baby even if Early is so hard to take - there are constant reminders and you will be one of them.
Just keep in touch so she knows you are there for her but don't be hurt if she wants to keep her distance..it's not you its just the emotions xx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I've tried to do everything I can to be there for her but it's just hard. She called me yesterday briefly and didnt mention one word about the fact that id had a scan. I guess I just thought that we were best friends and we'd help each other through whatever situation we were in. Oh well x

I think the fact that you said she hadn't been in touch for a week and did call on the day of your scan means she does care, its just still very raw and difficult for her, she probably just couldn't bring herself to ask.

Its such a hard thing when you loose a baby, just give her time, I'm sure she loves you just as much but dealing with her own sadness too.

She didn't call me to have a chat - I called her by accident and she called back to see what I wanted. Asked her how she was and she said fine but didn't see how I was. Mil is calling me tonight as she had an early mc so hopefully speaking to her will help me understand a bit more. If I'm being honest, I feel like my friend is just being resentful and there isn't anything I can do to change this situation...

Please believe me when I say she is not being resentful.. Her heart is literally broken in so many pieces.. The words I type here come from my heart.. I never ever understood why women just couldn't get over it, but after loosing Ava at 22 weeks and giving birth in my house I know why now.. Your just existing going on day after day trying to make sense out of something so senseless. Every hope every dream is just gone. I already had 3 boys 20, 19 and 12 and at 40 i got pregnant by accident and with a girl!! .Then I lost her, I couldn't even see a pregnant stranger without breaking into tears, my eyes were swollen shut from crying..I know it seems like she doesn't care or she is jealous, in a way she is jealous, i was, for over two years, peace comes to each of us and things start to get better , but it takes time.. You need to give her space and realize she loves you, but to see or hear anything baby, takes her back to SO much pain, please believe me..She is going to avoid you, I did the same until she feels safe to confront everything.. Please don't be offended . As far as grieving you grieve forever, it's been 4 yrs. and I cry on and off now ( Thank God) but it never ends, it's your child, how could it ever end?